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star girl
12-07-07, 13:55
This story is based on a dream I had when I was 8.. I slightly changed it, and created this non-TR fic out of it.. Hope you enjoy :)

“I dream of death”

I had companions, I was not alone: Not alone in the terrible world of hate and misery, not alone in this world of greed. The desert winds blew hard, sand going in my eyes – the veil simply falling off from the pressure, but my determination remained unharmed. I walked on. Whenever I stayed to rest, I thought of those monsters gaining over me, I had to run – I could not rest. Days and nights passed, we three women continuing on a journey to an unspecified location, away from civilization – as far as possible…

One night, when we camped under a sand dune, a small boy came up – dressed in shabby clothes and worn shoes. He was not more than 4 years old, clearly tall for his age, with a fair complexion, grayish black eyes, black hair and small nose and mouth. He was quite a pretty boy – what he was doing in the desert perplexed us. He gave a brilliant smile; my heart melted. “I’ve come to take you away – come with me!” he said innocently.

We followed him through the desert on a different route, stopping at different oases from time to time. The route on which the small boy was taking them was clearly better. The boy reminded me, of my son who died before birth…

Two days later, we arrived in a barren village – with houses made of mud and bricks, sadly looted, and broken. No one was there, so we decided to rest a while. The two women took another hut, while I chose to stay with the boy. Before sleeping, I told him a bedtime story, of slaves and genies, floating carpets and hope – evil being banished. For the first time, I fell in a peaceful sleep, holding the little boy close to me – in a motherly way.

Sounds of screaming awoke us abruptly. My companions, who were in the other hut threw the door open, and rushed inside, locking the doors with rusty metal.

“What’s going on?!” demanded the boy fiercely.

“There here! I saw them – they’ve followed our tracks up to here!” one of them cried devastatingly.

I looked out from the broken window; and cursed quietly: the bandits had found us. The boy looked up at me with pleading eyes; it was as if by magic I knew what he was wishing to do.

“No! You will NOT go outside there alone! Do you hear?” I scolded him – out of my lost love, I guess…

The boy didn’t say another word.

“There’s a backdoor here!” he said suddenly, with gleaming eyes – I felt like crying. He rushed towards the back area, and the child was proven correct, a small door lead towards the corner of the last house, then the open desert.

“If we hurry, I’m sure we can escape before they can get to us!” I said – adrenaline pumping at full speed through my veins.

We all quietly opened the wooden door, and moved quickly to the other corner. I held the little boy’s hand tightly, I found hope and peace in him, I would never let him go, I silently promised myself. Before I could pull the child with me safe behind the corner – I heard a rough voice say behind me: “Oi! You! Where do you think you’re going?!”

The boy let go of my hand, and I likewise – shock gripping me strongly. I heard the screeching of old wheels, and the child walked up to them – as a prisoner.

“I-” he began.

I heard a weird whipping sound – a solitary tear rolled down my cheek, yet I stood there; too numb to feel.

“You left us, eh? How would you feel if you were to leave life?” Continued the rough voice.

“I’m not scared of you, bad men!” yelled the boy, bravely.

“Not scared, eh? Well I’m gonna kill you, you impudent load of junk!”

I heard some struggling sounds, and began to shake uncontrollably from fear, rage and remorse. “Let me go!” screamed the boy, all in vain.

“I’m gonna finish you right here!”

I turned slightly, and looked around the corner at the boy’s face. They were putting him in one of those ominous killing mechanisms – to behead him. I started crying silently, wishing to save him – begging for mercy…

Those monsters grabbed him by the hands, forcing him down on his knees, as they fitted them in the holes provided for the hands and head. They locked it in firmly, and started to raise the blade, ready for innocent blood.

The last time I saw his face, he was crying; but a small smile lit his face. “Good bye,” he mouthed the words.

The blade fell. I heard a sickening crunch – and since that moment, I knew I was a living dead body.

A small thud and the severed head fell on the sand – staining it. I looked around the corner once again. The boy’s grayish eyes stared at me blankly, as his body fell behind the killing machine.
_________________________________________________

My companions dragged me away, and I traveled through the desert to a small city. I was able to get a small job in a toy factory – building the dreams of those who were sleeping dreamlessly in my mind – dead. My days were dull, but my nights were filled with dreams: Dreams of a rose in the desert land; dreams of a ray of hope in eternal darkness – dreams of holding the little boy close to me, who died in the sand, along with my soul…




:wve:

Dakaruch
12-07-07, 14:28
wow... this is very good!!! you have talent! :D
never considered to be a writer? ( don't know if you already are :p)

star girl
12-07-07, 15:15
Nope :) I've been told I should, but I dont really trust this ability to write that much that I'd start relying on it for my living... :)

But thanks for the encouraging review, Dakaruch :hug: I'm very very grateful :o

SparkleCroft07
12-07-07, 15:20
Brilliant!!! :D
Very sad that the boy died...:(

star girl
12-07-07, 15:29
/\ Thanks, and yeah I know - in my actual dream, instead of seeing a boy I saw my own childhood, because when I was three/four I had this boy-cut, and no one would believe that I was a girl .. Funnily enough, I myself thought I was a boy.... But anyway, I tried to describe this the best I could :o

Nico_Sorina
12-07-07, 15:48
very sad bout the boi:(

star girl
12-07-07, 15:49
/\ I know... :(

ashnar
12-07-07, 19:45
:(such a sad story. But I liked it. Very nicely done. Like they said, you've got immense talent. Don't let it slip

Dakaruch
12-07-07, 20:50
But thanks for the encouraging review, Dakaruch :hug: I'm very very grateful :o

well just said what i think... :p i like to read, and that actually made me feel something... :D and trust me i normally don't feel much thing when i read... only great books made me feel like that :wve:

star girl
12-07-07, 20:55
:(such a sad story. But I liked it. Very nicely done. Like they said, you've got immense talent. Don't let it slip

Thanks Ashnar :hug: Thanks for the lovely comment, :) :o And of course, I wont :) .. I do get a writer's block sometimes, but I've had the passion to write ever since I was 10, I'm not gonna let this slip away ... :)

well just said what i think... :p i like to read, and that actually made me feel something... :D and trust me i normally don't feel much thing when i read... only great books made me feel like that :wve:

Aww Dakaruch :o :o Thank you soo much! :hug: Really, thanks for that comment ... :) I really appreciate it, and am glad it could help you in some way :o

Nemo_91
12-07-07, 21:00
Wow! :tmb: So sad but loved it. You're very talented star! :)

maximum_123
12-07-07, 21:00
WoW! That had feeling, like a report. I thought it was true. You have an immense talent and the way you wrote that was so strong and deep, very well thought. Your dreams are incredible and imaginitive. I like the storyline (although it was a dream). I felt strong sad emotions inside me when I read that, Star Girl.

Very Well written, :tmb: I wish you best of luck in the future.

star girl
12-07-07, 21:19
Wow! :tmb: So sad but loved it. You're very talented star! :)

Thanks Nemo :hug: I'm happy you liked it :o

WoW! That had feeling, like a report. I thought it was true. You have an immense talent and the way you wrote that was so strong and deep, very well thought. Your dreams are incredible and imaginitive. I like the storyline (although it was a dream). I felt strong sad emotions inside me when I read that, Star Girl.

Very Well written, :tmb: I wish you best of luck in the future.

I woke up in tears back when I was 8, after this dream.. The thing is that it was soo vivid and it almost seemed like reality. And seriously, some time back, I felt all those feelings, I had during the dream, and after it when I woke up - somehow.. Not that anything happened or anything, but I just felt like I needed to vent myself from those feelings, and I just got down to writing this.. Thanks maximum, thanks so much for that lovely long review... :) And my prayers are with all of you :) :hug:

Dakaruch
12-07-07, 21:27
well you know perhaps i could talk with a person that is kind of in this area and i could then tell you what he thinks... just in case!
you might consider doing this a career and be world famous who knows! :p
:wve:

Angel_14
12-07-07, 21:28
Wonderful story. Sad, but beautiful :)

Now you are going to tell me, how do you create such masterpieces :p

star girl
12-07-07, 21:30
No, sorry.. but I dont think I'm ready to rely on my writing as a career yet... :o

But thanks for the offer though :) :wve:

Wonderful story. Sad, but beautiful :)

Now you are going to tell me, how do you create such masterpieces :p


Ohh.. thanks Adri! :hug: No really, I was just venting myself with some emo feelings! :D

Night_Heaven
12-07-07, 21:40
Someone here has a very good talent at this.Bravo girl:hug: I am your fan now.

star girl
12-07-07, 21:54
Someone here has a very good talent at this.Bravo girl:hug: I am your fan now.

Aww NH, thanksh soo much for that comment! :hug: Great, I'm a fan of your works, you're a fan of me now! :D Yippeee! :jmp: Let the fandom begin! :D

No seriously, thanks a lot! :hug:

bloodstormaoa
13-07-07, 01:00
Wow! Star thats brilliant :tmb:

It's so sad and actually illicited emotion from me (which is quite weird:o ).......so KUDOS:D

star girl
13-07-07, 12:22
/\ Thanks bloodstorm!! :hug: :hug:

EDIT = I just sent that story for a local magazine... So pray for me guys! :wve: :jmp:

extragirl
14-07-07, 10:44
Wow... This story is brilliant, beautiful

kryptonite23
14-07-07, 14:06
Wonderful Story!!:tmb::D

star girl
14-07-07, 14:14
Wow... This story is brilliant, beautiful


Thanks extra-girl! :hug: It means a lot to me :)

Wonderful Story!!:tmb::D

Thanks Kyle!! :hug: :o :hug:

bloodstormaoa
14-07-07, 23:06
/\ Thanks bloodstorm!! :hug: :hug:

EDIT = I just sent that story for a local magazine... So pray for me guys! :wve: :jmp:

:hug:

*Gets down on knees and prays to Allah! * :D

star girl
14-07-07, 23:36
:hug:

*Gets down on knees and prays to Allah! * :D

Aww - Thank you!!! :hug:

Well, they dont really reply to emails personally - so we'd have to wait in the Friday's issue for it.... :)

Thanks again :o

Greenkey2
15-07-07, 15:03
Sorry for not replying sooner :o


The story is a good start, though it still needs polishing. I think at the moment it's struggling to clearly state what its message is: are you simply turning a dream into a sequence of images and feelings (which is how it reads for me now), or is there an underlying message you can root out and build a stronger, more structured story around.

Coincidentally, I'm in the middle of reading American Gods by Niel Gaimen: at a point where he diverts from the main plot to tell a short story about a set of African twins who are sold into slavery. Throughout it all you are made to emphasise with the children as they are separated and follow their lives; but crucially the reader has no clue what will happen to them because they don't know (in the story) what will happen to them. It ends with the sister's perspective; where she is despairing at the way her protege is happy to learn the charms and spells of voodoo etc, but refuses to believe in the gods that grant them their power.

This makes me want to know about who is telling your story (the narrator). It's not enough to simply be walking in the desert, living from one moment to the next. There has to be some reason they are there and/or a goal that they are aiming for (you don't have to have both, but one or the other is essential). This would help us understand where the boy child comes in, why he is welcomed etc.

If your story is about the senseless cruelty of the murderers, fair enough. But why is it senseless? People, even strangers in the desert, don't kill without some reason. There is very little sense of identity at the moment for any of the characters, and that for me makes the story suffer. I could not really feel for the narrator, or even the boy very much (I'm cold-hearted I know :o), because I have no idea who any of them really are.

To improve it, I'd recommend you detach yourself from the dream-images that inspired the story. Dreams are great inspirational material, but that's all they are. A story needs much more because we (as readers) don't get the same memory-associations you get when you read it back to yourself. Don't be afraid of running your original material through the blender - the most worthwhile stuff will still shine through even the most drastic of editing sessions ;)

On a purely practical note however, you also need to double-check your punctuation. Commas are only to be used when there is a natural pause in the text; and dashes are really only for those very rare occasions when - like now - you need to insert a tiny note of text into a sentence. Your English as a whole is, however, extremely good indeed :tmb:


Please keep writing - you've a very fertile imagination - but always try and ask yourself questions as you write: why, how, what, who and when. This is because readers are constantly asking questions (and scouring for answers) as you unroll your story to them.

Hope that helps :hug:

star girl
15-07-07, 18:22
Sorry for not replying sooner :o


The story is a good start, though it still needs polishing. I think at the moment it's struggling to clearly state what its message is: are you simply turning a dream into a sequence of images and feelings (which is how it reads for me now), or is there an underlying message you can root out and build a stronger, more structured story around.

Coincidentally, I'm in the middle of reading American Gods by Niel Gaimen: at a point where he diverts from the main plot to tell a short story about a set of African twins who are sold into slavery. Throughout it all you are made to emphasise with the children as they are separated and follow their lives; but crucially the reader has no clue what will happen to them because they don't know (in the story) what will happen to them. It ends with the sister's perspective; where she is despairing at the way her protege is happy to learn the charms and spells of voodoo etc, but refuses to believe in the gods that grant them their power.

This makes me want to know about who is telling your story (the narrator). It's not enough to simply be walking in the desert, living from one moment to the next. There has to be some reason they are there and/or a goal that they are aiming for (you don't have to have both, but one or the other is essential). This would help us understand where the boy child comes in, why he is welcomed etc.

If your story is about the senseless cruelty of the murderers, fair enough. But why is it senseless? People, even strangers in the desert, don't kill without some reason. There is very little sense of identity at the moment for any of the characters, and that for me makes the story suffer. I could not really feel for the narrator, or even the boy very much (I'm cold-hearted I know :o), because I have no idea who any of them really are.

To improve it, I'd recommend you detach yourself from the dream-images that inspired the story. Dreams are great inspirational material, but that's all they are. A story needs much more because we (as readers) don't get the same memory-associations you get when you read it back to yourself. Don't be afraid of running your original material through the blender - the most worthwhile stuff will still shine through even the most drastic of editing sessions ;)

On a purely practical note however, you also need to double-check your punctuation. Commas are only to be used when there is a natural pause in the text; and dashes are really only for those very rare occasions when - like now - you need to insert a tiny note of text into a sentence. Your English as a whole is, however, extremely good indeed :tmb:


Please keep writing - you've a very fertile imagination - but always try and ask yourself questions as you write: why, how, what, who and when. This is because readers are constantly asking questions (and scouring for answers) as you unroll your story to them.

Hope that helps :hug:


:o

I ought to have mentioned it earlier (if I haven't done it yet) that I simply vented my feelings with this story.. I dont really know how I can explain this thing, but I made very, very minor changes in what I really saw, and what I wrote - the whole concept of this story/dream was based on the feelings. Well, I saw myself running away, dark shadows gaining on me, and this weird fear in mind (that is unusual because I'm naturally quite brave :)) that "I'll be captured" ... So like you mentioned above, I should have answered my questions like how, what, who etcetera but what I had in mind was to write something that was based around the feelings of the woman; her desperation, her fear. It's basically an angst short piece of writing just to show that (what I saw) was more about the feeling of loneliness and desperation. I was only 8 when I had this dream, so these feelings were new to me, that's why this holds a special place in my heart.

It really helped me a lot, honestly it did; but the thing was that I really just wrote what I saw, and left the rest to the reader's imagination. I never wanted to be too precise about this and I never really intended to fill in those details... :wve:

And no problem, this will (I'm sure) help me in some other fic :) Thanks once again for reading! :hug: :) :hug:

Greenkey2
15-07-07, 21:01
Hey, no worries. There's an exercise we sometimes do at writing group called stream of consciousness - literally writing down our thoughts as they occur for perhaps five, ten minutes. The results can be... interesting :pi: :cln:


But yes, as a streaming notion the current work is fine; it's just if you want to draw it out to make into a 'proper story' that some things would need addressing. Perhaps we should try that in the writers' group here on the forum one day? :wve:

star girl
16-07-07, 06:42
Hey, no worries. There's an exercise we sometimes do at writing group called stream of consciousness - literally writing down our thoughts as they occur for perhaps five, ten minutes. The results can be... interesting :pi: :cln:


It actually takes off a boatload of pressure from your mind. And I've seen that people do this thing really differently. Sometimes writing in their diary helps (I did that in my teens), or they explain their minds condition in a story, some write lyrics etc. It's a different thing for everyone, IMHO :)


But yes, as a streaming notion the current work is fine; it's just if you want to draw it out to make into a 'proper story' that some things would need addressing. Perhaps we should try that in the writers' group here on the forum one day? :wve:

Yup - we'll do that one day, and it'll prove to be a good thing, definitely :) Thanks for your help, Jen! :hug: