PDA

View Full Version : Marriage Jokes


RAID
29-09-07, 17:40
Marriage (Part I )


Typical macho man married typical good-looking lady, and after the wedding, he laid down the following rules:

"I'll be home when I want, if I want and at what time I want -- and I don't expect any hassle from you. I expect a great dinner to be on the table unless I tell you that I won't be home for dinner. I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing, and card-playing when I want with my old buddies, and don't you give me a hard time about it. Those are my rules.
Any comments?"

His new bride said:
"No, that's fine with me. Just understand that there will be sex here at seven o'clock every night...whether you're here or not."

(DARN SHE'S GOOD!)

************************************************


Marriage (Part II)



Husband and wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding anniversary!

The husband yells, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads, 'Here Lies My Wife -- Cold As Ever'!"

"Yeah?" she replies. "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads, 'Here Lies My Husband -- Stiff At Last'!"

(HE ASKED FOR IT!)


*********************************** ******

Marriage (Part III)



Husband (a doctor) and his wife are having a fight at the breakfast table.

Husband gets up in a rage and says, "And you are no good in bed either," and storms out of the house.

After some time he realizes he was nasty and decides to make amends and rings her up.

She comes to the phone after many rings, and the irritated husband says, "What took you so long to answer to the phone?"

She says, "I was in bed."

"In bed this early, doing what?"

"Getting a second opinion!"

(YEP, HE HAD THAT COMING, TOO!)

*****************************************


Marriage (Part IV)



A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement.

He is so proud of himself, that he starts calling his wife," Mother of Six" in spite of her objections.

One night, they go to a party. The man decides that it is time to go home and wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well. He shouts at the top of his voice, "Shall we go home Mother of Six?"

His wife, irritated by her husband's lack of discretion, shouts right back, "Any time you're ready, Father of Four."

(RIGHT ON, LADY!)

*****************************************


THE SILENT TREATMENT


A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment.

Suddenly the man realized that the next day he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight.

Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on piece of paper, "Please wake me at 5:00 AM." He left it where he knew she would find it.

The next morning the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight.

Furious, he was about to go to see why his wife hadn't wakened him when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed. The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM. Wake up."

Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.

Myreth
29-09-07, 18:04
The third and the last one were great :vlol:
But why do I think guys won't enjoy these jokes as much :whi:

Junebug
29-09-07, 18:11
:vlol: Those are funny!:D

Dakaruch
29-09-07, 18:15
great ones Raid! :tmb:
:vlol::vlol:

Jiji
29-09-07, 18:22
The last one is great! :D

Angelx14
29-09-07, 18:24
LMFAO! The first one and the last one were the best! :D

Junebug
29-09-07, 18:30
This joke dosn't have much to do with marriage, but it's sosooo funny!

Three men wind up in heaven one day, only to find that there's only one room left.

GOD: Alright all of you tell me how you died. And who ever had the worst death, will get let into Heaven.
So he takes one man aside and asked him how he died.

1st MAN. Well, I thought my wife was ceating on me so I came home early and found my wife in the shower. I looked everywhere for the guy, then finally, I found him hanging by is fingers on to 2nd story balcony. I hit and stamped on his fingers to try to make him let go, but he wouldn't budge! So I found a hammer near by and stater to hit his fingers with it. Finally he let go and fell. But he wasn't dead! So, I pushed the refrigderator over the balcony railing and... he died. Then I shot my self.

GOD: Wow, that's pretty rough.
Then God calls the second man over, and asked him how he died.

2nd MAN: Well, I was sitting on my balcony on the third floor, when I tipped my chair back. The chair was really old, and the leg broke off and I fell off the balcony. I managed to grab hold of the balcony below me, but when I tried to pull myself in, the person who lived on that floor came out, screaming, and stated to hit my hand s and make me let go. But I wouldn't so he started to use a hammer. I finally let go. I couldn't believe I was alive, with just some bones broken, but then the man came out with a refrigerator, and that's the last I remember.

God comforts the man who has started crying than calls the 3rd man over and asked him the same question.

3rd MAN: Okay, picture this: you're naked, hidding in a refrigderator.....

Leo Caprico
29-09-07, 18:35
Hmm....women.

Dez
29-09-07, 18:46
Great jokes!:vlol::vlol:
The only one I know to do with marriage:

St Peter meets 3 dead men at the Gates and tells them they'll have vehicles related to how they treated their wives.
The 1st man says he treated his wife OK but cheated on her 5 times. St Peter gives him a battered old Ford.
The 2nd man says he treated his wife well but cheated on her once. St Peter gives him a Peugeot.
The 3rd man says he treated his wife like a queen and was faithful. St Peter is pleased and gives him a flashy Rolls Royce.
Later, the other two men find the 3rd in his Rolls Royce crying and tells them sadly: I've just seen my wife here and she's on a skateboard!!

Junebug
29-09-07, 18:49
:vlol: That's great!lol

Beanz
29-09-07, 18:59
Great! :vlol:

Tomb Raider Master
29-09-07, 21:24
Thanks for posting. :D

Little-Lara
29-09-07, 22:30
:vlol: :vlol:

The other two are funny also. :D

Ward Dragon
29-09-07, 22:35
:vlol:

Earthcane
30-09-07, 00:04
Erm, those little blue smileys are just getting annoying now ;)

All of those joke Rock! The Marriage ones and the God ones. ROFL!

Am, anyone think of starting a general Jokes thread?

Maybe a thread entitled:

" Jokes and Jibes for the Juvenile Jester!" :D

Forever_Laras_56
30-09-07, 00:14
wow that was so funny thay all were! :vlol:i loved that last one!

Laurencarter
30-09-07, 05:51
Great jokes guys

danitiwa
30-09-07, 08:17
My fave was the father of four joke. :vlol:

Nannonxyay
30-09-07, 08:33
Here's some:

Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street bald and still think they are beautiful!

A man in his 40's bought a new BMW and was out on the interstate for a nice evening drive. The top was down, the breeze was blowing through what was left of his hair, and he decided to open her up. As the needle jumped up to 80 mph, he suddenly saw flashing red and blue lights behind him. "There's no way they can catch a BMW," he thought to himself and opened her up further. The needle hit 90, 100.... then the reality of the situation hit him. "What am I doing?" he thought and pulled over. The cop came up to him, took his license without a word, and examined it, and the car. "It's been a long day, this is the end of my shift, and it's Friday the 13th. I don't feel like more paperwork, so if you can give me an excuse for your driving, that I haven't heard before, you can go." The guy thinks for a second and says, "Last week, my wife ran off with a cop. I was afraid it was you and you were trying to give her back."

This woman at a party walked up to this man and told him, "If you were my husband I would poison your drink," and the man says, "If you were my wife I would drink it."

:vlol: Nice Jokes everyone!

RAID
30-09-07, 08:39
Am, anyone think of starting a general Jokes thread?



That wouldn't work, as it would require lots of bumping, which is against the forum rules.

Fish.
30-09-07, 08:52
LOL :vlol: Those were good! Spot on! :tmb:

Dark Lugia 2
30-09-07, 09:02
LMAO great ones! :vlol: I love the last and second to last :D

kryptonite23
30-09-07, 09:52
Those are nice jokes Raid!! :vlol:

Alex Fly
30-09-07, 09:57
Lol they are great ! :D