Starting to write a story, some constructive criticism required.

[Nausinous]

I've laid out my plot on paper and I've begun writing but something just doesn't fit. Could some of those more adept at writing possibly make a few suggestions?

Rome in the summer was sickly humid and dry by anyone’s standards. That’s why when Lara had arrived at the Café, instead of ordering something posh and fanciful she asked for a refreshing, tall, glass of cold water. Needles to say, Lara Croft would not have been willing to put up with such discomfort if something extremely important had not been at stake. Beneath Lara’s sulk was a spark of hope. Could this trip actually yield results? Was the journal really here? It was too much to hope for. After all it was just a myth she was chasing.
“Would madam like another glass of water?”
Lara removed her red tinted sun glasses that were as bright as rubies in the dazzling mid day sun and looked up at the gentlemen with the hoarse voice.
“No, a glass of water just doesn’t excite as much as the mention of a nice, thick musty journal.”
Lara said teasingly as she brushed away a strand of brown hair from her face with a gloved hand. The man smirked in response, took the steel seat from under the steel coffee table and sat parallel to Lara.
“Do you believe in fairy tales Miss Croft?”
Lara had been waiting long hours for this man to arrive and she had grown testy under the sweltering heat of the sun. His introduction was cliché and pointless. She retorted:
“Do you believe in the rumours of how quick I can kill a man?”
The man’s smile faded and his hand curled into a fist.
“Miss Croft it would serve you well to continue being pleasant or I may just withdraw my offer of information.”
Before Lara could reply, the whole air was suddenly filled with an explosion of red mist from the man’s chest. The crowd surrounding the small corner café roared into life as they scrambled from the scenes, several more gun sounds exploded from the other side of the piazza and shrill cries filled the air. The gentleman limply slid off his chair and onto the cobbled street. Lara’s experienced eyes darted from left to right as they scanned the surrounding area for what she assumed was an assassin. Lara spotted a shaved head from across the piazza and as the masses moved away, she spotted him concealing a gun in his jacket. Lara sprung from her seat and dived into the sea of people rushing to escape the scene. She would have been crushed if it had not been for her excellent skill of knocking people out of the way. Lara soon realised the crowd wasn’t moving fast enough, she span around dizzily as all the noises began to infiltrate her ears, she had to get to him but how? She thought. Then an opportunity that only Lara could spot presented itself in the middle of the piazza…

:(

[rowanlim]

Hi i hope i can help you out:

1. describe more. talk more about the weather, let us see more about the weather. your description about Rome in the summer was BRIEF

Rome in the summer was sickly humid and dry by anyone’s standards

you could add some details like : the cafe was cozy, yet stuffy with the summer heat blazing. she watched, as she did always, the people that walked on the streets, her eyes sharp & cool as she scanned the crowd.

2. you could re-write this Beneath Lara’s sulk was a spark of hope as : Yet despite her irritation with the weather & the waiting, there was excitement & the feeling of blooming hope.

(i doubt lara would sulk. thats not really in her nature, IMO)

3. spelling mistakes are a no-no: Needles & span

4. overall you did good by trying to inject suspense, but it was pretty superficial. write more, describe more, we cant know what you're seeing, what you want to project if you dont tell us in words.

good luck! :tmb:

[Nausinous]

Thank you :hug: I shall get right on it.

[rowanlim]

Thank you :hug: I shall get right on it.

oh no problem! :hug:

i'm writing an AOD fan fic too, just having a block now haha :D

if you need any help, i'd be happy to give it to you :tmb:

[jagged halo]

Cool, you write really well. I noticed, though, that when you write the character's dialogue, you don't use the correct punctuation. Just being picky lol.

“No, a glass of water just doesn’t excite as much as the mention of a nice, thick musty journal.”
Lara said teasingly as she brushed away a strand of brown hair from her face with a gloved hand.

Should be:

"No, a glass of water just doesn’t excite as much as the mention of a nice, thick musty journal," Lara said teasingly as she brushed away a strand of brown hair from her face with a gloved hand.

Then the bit about what the man said would usually make another paragraph.

Hope this helps a bit :D

[Nausinous]

Thanks JH! :hug: I'll promise I will come back with a better story! :jmp:

[Greenkey2]

Hi Nausinous,

I think part of the reason you're having problems with this is that you're trying too hard to follow the rules of writing, while not letting the story flow.

This is a very commonly-encountered problem and it can be summed up very briefly: you need to show, not tell.

Your description at the moment follows this pattern. For example:


Rome in the summer was sickly humid and dry by anyone’s standards. That’s why when Lara had arrived at the Café, instead of ordering something posh and fanciful she asked for a refreshing, tall, glass of cold water. Needles to say, Lara Croft would not have been willing to put up with such discomfort if something extremely important had not been at stake.

The central character is Lara. She's the one through whom we are being shown the story, so if you have description show it us through her experiences.

For example, you could say she wiped the sweat from her face and wondered if the air conditioning unit was broken (this would tell us that it's hot and humid, and that Lara is the type of person who asks questions when things go wrong, without having to tell us these facts). You can go on to say that maybe she was hoping for a glass of water, and that she felt relief as she pressed the cool glass to her forehead, or took a sip.

The bottom line is to use the characters' actions and thoughts to show us what is happening, rather than build a static picture that you have to change every few lines. It's the difference between watching a series of snapshots taken with a camera and studying them for minutes at a time, and sitting back to watch a movie.

Some more points:

Lara removed her red tinted sun glasses that were as bright as rubies in the dazzling mid day sun and looked up at the gentlemen with the hoarse voice.This implies that her sunglasses are not red when the sun goes in. Also, we don't know that the man with the hoarse voice is the one who has just spoken to her. "She looked up at the hoarse-voiced speaker" would work better.


Before Lara could reply, the whole air was suddenly filled with an explosion of red mist from the man’s chest. Sudden violence stops being sudden when you use long sentences. "But Lara did not have time to reply. The air filled with red mist as the man's chest exploded."

Actually you could go even further: "A red mist exploded in front of her. Lara gaped. The man slumped; a bloody hole in his chest."

See?

Also, small point, but watch your grammar:

The crowd surrounding the small corner café roared into life as they scrambled from the scenesThere's only one crowd, so better to say something like "as its members scrambled" or "as people scrambled".

Try reading it aloud to yourself, as if you were reading it in front of an audience or for an audio recording. Pause your speech whenever you come across a comma to see if they are placed in natural breaks in the sentences. If they aren't, arrange them accordingly.

Let the story flow. Resist the urge to tell us everything that happens, and instead show us more by skipping wherever you can and writing what the characters are doing/feeling/thinking. The reader will fill in the gaps with their own imaginations, if you don't cut out crucial things that we need to know.

Hope that helps. Sorry I have to be so brief, but doing a complete critique takes a lot longer than I have! :o :hug:

[Nausinous]

Greenkey that was more indepth than I could have ever hoped for, thank you so much Greenkey :hug:

I will begin writing again and try to follow your guidelines then post a new version, would you mind checking on that also?

[PirateRose]

my suggestion, read backwords, line by line, to catch mistakes. When you read each line foreward,your brain puts the right stuff in there because you already know what comes next.

needles=needless I presume? Watch spelling errors like that, being spell check on word does not catch them. It is spelt correctly, it's just spell check doesn't know that's not the word you want to use.



Yet despite her irritation with the weather & the waiting, there was excitement & the feeling of blooming hope.

Do not do this. There are too many ands in this sentence. Nothing drives me more crazy then seeing and's every where when someone is describing something. You'll have the tendecy to create a run on sentence of and's and it's like a child is speaking.

"And when I got to school and got on the playground we played ball and we played hopscotch and then the teacher came out and told us to come into class and we did."

The way I'd write that sentence is: "She was begining to lose her patience while waiting in this weather, but remained where she sat because of an eager spark of hope."


I agree that Lara wouldn't sulk. I also think Lara wouldn't mind the weather at all, but hey it's your interpitation of Lara. I've had my fan fics bashed by people because they see the characters another way. So if you think Lara would sulk, then make her sulk. That's my advice for writing fan fiction.


Also, we don't know that the man with the hoarse voice is the one who has just spoken to her. "She looked up at the hoarse-voiced speaker" would work better.


Instead of that, actually describe his voice right where he speaks. It's like naming him so the reader will know later, when ever you call him the man with the hoarse voice, it's the guy that asked if she wanted water.

so instead of adding speaker in that line, go back and put...
“Would madam like another glass of water?” came a man's hoarse voice. Lara removed her...

or something to that effect. Don't do that exactly, I think it could be worded better. You could even describe his voice before he speaks, that way the reader has an idea as he speaks, what it would sound like, instead of after.

A man's hoarse voice interrupted her hopeful thoughts.
“Would madam like another glass of water?”

Same with this, it could be worded better. It's really your work, I'm just giving you examples.

Also, the sunglasses could be described before, when you describe her sitting in a cafe. That way this sentence where she is simply taking her sunglasses off, isn't so long. Think of it as a second long task to take off your sunglasses. All that other wording isn't needed there.

[Greenkey2]

I will begin writing again and try to follow your guidelines then post a new version, would you mind checking on that also?

Sure :) No problem. Not sure if you've seen, but I wrote a tutorial (http://www.tombraiderforums.com/showthread.php?t=93506) back in April that you might find useful too :wve:

[Nausinous]

Sure :) No problem. Not sure if you've seen, but I wrote a tutorial (http://www.tombraiderforums.com/showthread.php?t=93506) back in April that you might find useful too :wve:

Tutorial?!?!? :eek: *deletes plot entirely and goes to follow tutorial*

[jagged halo]

You're not actually deleting your plot, are you? :eek: hehe

[Greenkey2]

Tutorial?!?!? :eek: *deletes plot entirely and goes to follow tutorial*

You're not actually deleting your plot, are you? :eek: hehe


Nooooooo! :eek:


It's there to help technique, not pour napalm on your ideas. For god's sake don't tear up what you have already!

[Nausinous]

You're not actually deleting your plot, are you? :eek: hehe

I've been a guest on this forum for so long and never noticed such a Legend as Greenkey! How could I have not, this tutorial is bloody brilliant :jmp:

Here's some of the recreation:

Lara grabbed the napkin from the table and wiped sweat from her face. It was humid and sickly dry, she wondered if the air conditioning in the café had broken. The heat coming from the scorching sun was enough to drive anyone crazy and she had hoped to find refuge from it under the umbrella of this café table but the pathetic patch of shade provided by the umbrella only added to her discomfort. Just as her thoughts escaped her mind a man in an engineer’s suit navigated through the sea of tables on the patio and into the interior of the café. She would have complained if she had not already endured longer and harder moments of discomfort than this. Lara smiled at the sky as the glare of the sun disappeared behind a wispy looking cloud, serenity would have washed over her if it had not been for the buzz of the crowds and the inconsistent purr of Fiat Punto’s as they circled the piazza’s round about.

As her eyes moved around the scene she spotted a waiter approaching with a glass of water, he placed it down on the metal table Lara was sat at. She thanked the waiter in Italian and the waiter looked up from the glass and his eyes met with Lara’s. The waiter gaped at Lara, the bottom of his strongly defined jaw hanging loose and his smooth, tan skin stretching over bone structure with a shocked expression.
“Is there a problem?”
Lara said as she removed her red tinted sun glasses. As the glasses fell onto the table they caught a stray beam of light and the red lenses became bright as rubies. The Italian boy felt as if Lara’s beauty was a really good red wine that his dad so eagerly described which he had become drunk on. Embarrassed, he scurried back into the café, with his scuffed black loafers clapping on the cobbles and his little apron swinging wildly behind him. Lara’s lips formed a smirk, she mused:
“I love it when that happens.”
She shifted awkwardly on her metal seat as her shorts became ever more uncomfortable. Where was the contact she had spoken to on the phone? She thought as she fanned her self with the menu card.

[jagged halo]

Cool, I like it. I especially like the metaphors/similies you have used.
However, I notice now that you are structuring your sentences in the wrong way. As Greenkey2 said:
"Pause your speech whenever you come across a comma to see if they are placed in natural breaks in the sentences. If they aren't, arrange them accordingly."

[Nausinous]

Cool, I like it. I especially like the metaphors/similies you have used.
However, I notice now that you are structuring your sentences in the wrong way. As Greenkey2 said:
"Pause your speech whenever you come across a comma to see if they are placed in natural breaks in the sentences. If they aren't, arrange them accordingly."

I'm not sure what you mean? Have a look at the totally revamped version and tell how I'm structuring and how they should be structured. I'm a bit blind to any problems. I should probably be more critical with my work :D

Lara grabbed the napkin from the table and wiped sweat from her face. It was humid and sickly dry, she wondered if the air conditioning in the café had broken. The heat coming from the scorching sun was enough to drive anyone crazy and she had hoped to find refuge from it under the umbrella of this café table but the pathetic patch of shade provided by the umbrella only added to her discomfort. Just as her thoughts escaped her mind a man in an engineer’s suit navigated through the sea of tables on the patio and into the interior of the café. She would have complained if she had not already endured longer and harder moments of discomfort than this. Lara smiled at the sky as the glare of the sun disappeared behind a wispy looking cloud, serenity would have washed over her if it had not been for the buzz of the crowds and the inconsistent purr of Fiat Punto’s as they circled the piazza’s round about.

As her eyes moved around the scene she spotted a waiter approaching with a glass of water, he placed it down on the metal table Lara was sat at. She thanked the waiter in Italian and the waiter looked up from the glass and his eyes met with Lara’s. The waiter gaped at Lara, the bottom of his strongly defined jaw hanging loose and his smooth, tan skin stretching over his boney facial features with a shocked expression.
“Is there a problem?”
Lara said as she removed her red tinted sun glasses, the lenses of which became like dazzling rubies in the light of the sun. The Italian boy felt as if Lara’s beauty was a really exquisite red wine, the kind of wine that his dad passionately described in the evenings at the vine yard, Lara was a gorgeous bottle of english red and she was so rich, you got drunk on a sip. His mouth closed and he smiled dreamily at Lara to which she coughed in response. The waiter woke from his little pubscent dream embarrassed so he scurried back into the café, with his scuffed black loafers clapping on the cobbles and his little apron swinging wildly behind him. Lara’s lips formed a smirk, she mused:
“I love it when that happens.”
She shifted awkwardly on her metal seat as her shorts became ever more uncomfortable. Where was the contact she had spoken to on the phone? She thought as she fanned her self with the menu card. Could the journal finally be here? She probed at the possibilities and decided it was all too much to hope for. Sighing, she rose from her chair when a hoarse voice came from behind.
“Going some where?”
She pun on the heels of her brown boots and looked at the hoarse speaker. A man was slouching in front of her; he looked like at any minute he was going to become a slave to exhaustion, drop to the cobbles and lay unconscious
“Is there something to keep me here? Say perhaps some information about a journal?”
The man sat down on one of the chairs at Lara’s small metal coffee table. A putrid smell of bodily fluids lingered in the air around him and Lara tried her best to smile, brushing away several strands of hair from her face as she sat down.
“Do you believe in fairy tales Miss Croft?”
Lara sighed and she rolled her to one side. This was a wasted journey she thought, I’ve met up with a complete and under stranger who wants to tell me a bedtime story, I should have accepted Winston’s offer of wearing a dress for an afternoon rather than enduring this.




She realised the man had been staring at her and he was a man much like a dog in that you didn’t want him staring at you in case he begun to think he could play with you. Lara looked coldly into the man’s eyes as she said:
“Have you heard the rumours of how quick I can kill a man?”
The man’s odd smile faded from his unshaven face, he slammed the table with both fists and snarled at Lara.
“It would do you well Miss Croft, to keep with the pleasantries, other wise the precious information about the journal and its location will not be shared…”
The man stopped speaking abruptly and Lara could have sworn he was going to bark from frustration as he saw her drumming her fingers on the table. She smiled at him playfully and replied to his thread.
“Believe me I have many more contacts, if you were to withdraw whatever little amount of information you hold in your tiny brain, I doubt it would affect the course of my life.”
The man lunged forward gripping Lara’s shoulders and put his face inches from hers.
“Alessio de Puertega is my name, remember it well Miss Croft as I’m you’ll find out soon enough that I-“
He raised his voice even higher and his tongue lashed around, spraying foam and spit everywhere.
“I was your last hope!”
An explosion of red mist filled the air and Alessio crumpled to the cobbles. The sound of the gunshot that pierced through every other sound, it sent the people filling the piazza into a flurry of panic. High pitched screams filled the air, children began to cry, cars had to sound their horns as one car had to manoeuvre out of the way of a pedestrian fleeing across from his picnic on the round about, chairs crashed to cobbles and cups of coffee as people fled café’s and restaurants that encompassed the square. Lara who was immune to the influence of a screaming crowd calmly looked through the scrambling crowds for what she presumed was an assassin. Then in the corner of her eye, the reflection of the engineer in her sun glasses; caught her eye just as he slipped something into his toolbox. She sprung from her chair, sending it and the table toppling over as she leapt on to seat and table to get to the engineer. Both doors where congested with people trying to exit the café and Lara had no option but dive through the glass window. Her body curled into a ball of human force as she came hurtling into the window with such energy that sent it shattering into a thousand pieces. Her body uncurled as she landed on the floor that was rained upon by shards of glass, rolling forwards, she sprung herself onto both feet so that she was standing right in front of the stunned engineer....

I hope it's good, I think I'm in need some of much neglected practice!

[jagged halo]

Cool revamped version. :)
What I meant was that, for example, where you wrote:
"This was a wasted journey she thought, I’ve met up with a complete and under stranger who wants to tell me a bedtime story, I should have accepted Winston’s offer of wearing a dress for an afternoon rather than enduring this."
It should be more like this:
"This was a wasted journey, she thought. I’ve met up with a complete and utter stranger who wants to tell me a bedtime story. I should have accepted Winston’s offer of wearing a dress for an afternoon rather than enduring this."
Even though the sentences start with "I", we still know that it is Lara's thoughts because of the previous sentence being her thoughts. If the commas are placed like where you put them, it makes the sentence really long and is incorrect anyway.
Like this sentence should be:
"It was humid and sickly dry. She wondered if the air conditioning in the café had broken."
So the comma has been removed from the sentence because they are 2 separate clauses which shouldn't be together. I'm not an expert so I don't exactly know why, but I have been taught that they shouldn't be joined by a comma.
Hope this helps :) lol

[Nausinous]

Cool revamped version. :)
What I meant was that, for example, where you wrote:
"This was a wasted journey she thought, I’ve met up with a complete and under stranger who wants to tell me a bedtime story, I should have accepted Winston’s offer of wearing a dress for an afternoon rather than enduring this."
It should be more like this:
"This was a wasted journey, she thought. I’ve met up with a complete and utter stranger who wants to tell me a bedtime story. I should have accepted Winston’s offer of wearing a dress for an afternoon rather than enduring this."
Even though the sentences start with "I", we still know that it is Lara's thoughts because of the previous sentence being her thoughts. If the commas are placed like where you put them, it makes the sentence really long and is incorrect anyway.
Like this sentence should be:
"It was humid and sickly dry. She wondered if the air conditioning in the café had broken."
So the comma has been removed from the sentence because they are 2 separate clauses which shouldn't be together. I'm not an expert so I don't exactly know why, but I have been taught that they shouldn't be joined by a comma.
Hope this helps :) lol

It is so confusing :( . I'm gonna really try to learn how to do it properly. I was very embarresed about the under stranger :o. I should have checked that!

[jagged halo]

lol, don't worry. I'm sure you will get it one day. I'm still learning. I'm doing English Language at the moment and I've had some help on the internet about story writing. Otherwise, I cannot complain about your writing. It's great!

[rowanlim]

hey nausinous i see loads of improvement! :tmb:

just wanted to point out some things:

1. language:

It was humid and sickly dry, she wondered if the air conditioning in the café had broken

air conditioning doesnt get "broken". you could try "she wondered if the air conditioning in the cafe was out." IMO :D

2. description

The waiter gaped at Lara, the bottom of his strongly defined jaw hanging loose and his smooth, tan skin stretching over his boney facial features with a shocked expression

-"the waiter gaped at Lara in shock, his bottom jaw hanging loose, & his smooth, tanned skin stretched over his bony facial features."

Lara said as she removed her red tinted sun glasses, the lenses of which became like dazzling rubies in the light of the sun

-"Lara said as she removed her red-tinted sunglasses, the lenses glinting like dazzling rubies in the sunlight."

The Italian boy felt as if Lara’s beauty was a really exquisite red wine, the kind of wine that his dad passionately described in the evenings at the vine yard, Lara was a gorgeous bottle of english red and she was so rich, you got drunk on a sip

-"the Italian boy thought of Lara's beauty as something akin to fine red wine; sultry & rich, as described passionately by his father during the evenings at the vineyard. Her beauty was compelling & he was drunk with one look."

The waiter woke from his little pubscent dream embarrassed so he scurried back into the café, with his scuffed black loafers clapping on the cobbles and his little apron swinging wildly behind him

-"The waiter snapped out from his fantasy, so embarrassed was he that he scurried back into the cafe, the sound of his scuffed black loafers thudding on the cobbles & his little apron flapping madly behind him brought a wry smile to Lara's lips."

not sure what else to say...hope it helps! :tmb:

[Nausinous]

I'm starting to think I'm really bad at this writing and I need to practice lots :eek:

[rowanlim]

I'm starting to think I'm really bad at this writing and I need to practice lots :eek:

oh no no no! don't be like that! you're getting better! really! :tmb: :D