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Carbonek_0051
17-01-08, 11:28
Today I thought alot about things from the past and my present.....I used to write poems all the time, But then I seemed to stop....I decided to write again today and I want you guys to read and let me know your opinions....I have entered it into a poetry contest too so I would love to hear honest opinions....

Please Don't copy this I put alot of my heart into this

Heartbreak, Misfortune, & Broken Homes
By Nathan aka Carbonek

I sit here heartbroken all alone

I weave tales of misfortune and broken homes

Love is not happy but a thorn in my side

So why do I fear, why do I hide

Love was once so beautiful and true

Until I saw the misery and pain it drew

To some it's lovely, to some it's a curse

I find myself stuck in the middle it deepens, grows worse

So do you feel what I feel and see

Or do believe love can be truly happy?

A question I have been asking for years

If love is wonderful why all these tears?

I've been through abuse and troubles so deep

I've lost so much hope and became so bleak

Can anyone hear my desperation and cries

Or will I sit and slowly fade away and die?

I have seen love fail through the eyes of a child

I've seen love torn apart so vicious and wild

So as I hope for no more sorrow

I sit and wait for my better tomorrow

Tell me the white lie all friends have to say

"I promise things will get better some day"

So as I sit and wait for the day I won't be alone

I'll sit here and write of heartbreaks and broken homes

myrmaad
17-01-08, 12:08
Today I thought alot about things from the past and my present.....I used to write poems all the time, But then I seemed to stop....I decided to write again today and I want you guys to read and let me know your opinions....

Please Don't copy this I put alot of my heart into this

Heartbreak, Misfortune, & Broken Homes
By Nathan aka Carbonek

I sit here heartbroken all alone

I weave tales of misfortune and broken homes

Love is not happy but a thorn in my side

So why do I fear, why do I hide

Love was once so beautiful and true

Until I saw the misery and pain it drew

To some it's lovely, to some it's a curse

I find myself stuck in the middle it deepens, grows worse

So do you feel what I feel and see

Or do believe love can be truly happy?

A question I have been askiing for years

If love is wonderful why all these tears?

I've been through abuse and troubles so deep

I've lost so much hope and became so bleak

Can anyone hear|e my desperation and cries

Or will I sit and slowly fade away and die?

I have seen love fail through the eyes of a child

I've seen love torn apart so vicious and wild

So as I hope for no more sorrow

I sit and wait for my better tommorrow

Tell me the white lie all friends have to say

"I promise things will get better some day"

So as I sit and wait for the day I won't be alone

I'll sit here and write of heartbreaks and broken homes


Very deep and soulful free verse. My advice is to join a poetry board, and have your work critiqued by other poets, and read and learn from your favorite poets, to learn some real poetic technique. They can offer you far better critique than I! Try mastering all the hard poetic forms, That will make you much better.

In my opinion, Free Verse works best in small bites. I believe your weakness is using imagery to create the mood you are trying to portray, instead you just tell me you're sad, but you're not actively showing me. You do that using descriptive words.

There are living masters among us. I've received wonderful critique on my own work from this lady, and I offer you a poem with a similar sentiment as yours. Keep working!

Obviously this work is copyright, Brenda Tate (www.brendatate.com (http://www.brendatate.com))

Twice Lost

Our wedding portrait in my secret drawer
calls me from sleep - you dead, and I passed on
into another picture. Since you’re gone,
I study ghosts, and wonder how much more
I’ve learned since then. Your faded shape, before
you chose my substitute, holds me till dawn.
I search for shadows. Now that She’s withdrawn
your body, what is left to reassure?

Unknown soft things are tunneling. A stark
earth blanket hides the eyeless grubs that crawl
toward your oaken box. My light footfall
cannot disturb them in their busy dark.
Your bones remain, and also my desire.

I wish she had consigned you to the fire.
http://www.brendatate.com/exes.html

I'll give you one of mine:
Goodbye to Grizz

excruciating goodbye.
the light in your eyes
lit the flame in my heart
can't even imagine a life apart
I trusted you with mine -
you put your faith in me.
and now from my soul
the song is stolen
interchanged: another stripe
of guilt and shame.
I'm mute with pain
our parting binds,
I cannot breathe
there is no innocence left in me
once again like the man hang-ed;
My trusted, my beloved friend,
my Grizzly - my love, is dead!
sorrow sinks me like a burden-stone;
farewell until my soul comes home.
Copyright � December 2003
my husband with Grizzly:
http://i26.photobucket.com/albums/c117/SeaBlossom/grizands_sm.jpg