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ShadyCroft
31-03-08, 14:23
Owing to the fact that many people have complained that the General Thread is getting more depressive and sad, here's a little humor I've found here and there and thought I'd share with you...

Top ten things you don't want to hear from your real estate agent when you go to settlement on your new home...
1. "I think unexplained crop circles add a unique flait to any home's garden."
2. "Actually, it's only the rear portion of the yard that overlaps the ancient indian burial ground."
3. "Yes,the last owner did donate the house to the Hell's Angels, but I'm told that the judge has ordered them not to come within 50 feet of it."
4. "One bleeding toilet doesnt necessairly mean its haunted."
5. "Your neighbour has assured me that, technically, they're not 'killer' bees."
6. "Even if there was a full-scale mudslide, it's unlikely that it would reach as far back as your property."
7. "Its quite common for roaches to grow that big even when not in the presence of radioactivity."
8. "Did you know that the band Grave Raper holds their practicesessions right next door ?"
9. "It's true that they died in the house, but the prosecutor was never actually able to prove it was murder."
10. "You can barely hear the sheet metal factory at night."


He said...She said...

He said...This coffee isn't fit for a pig!
She said...No problem, I'll get you some that is.

She said...What do you mean by coming home half drunk?
He said...It's not my fault...I ran out of money

He said...Why do you women always try to impress us with your looks, not with your brains ?
She said...Because there's a bigger chance that a man is a moron than he's blind.

He said...Let's go out and have some fun tonight.
She said...Okay, but if you get home before I do, leave the hallway light on.

zappo3000
31-03-08, 14:36
:vlol::vlol::vlol:

MrBear
31-03-08, 14:39
Not really the sort of humor that tickles my fancy, but I appreciate the idea behind it :tmb:

Drone
31-03-08, 14:41
nice thread :) stuff above wasn't so funny tho

ShadyCroft
31-03-08, 14:48
yeah, well, go ahead everyone! add yours. The person with the most hilarious joke gets a prize. a kiss from me muhahaha! :ton: j/k

Nannonxyay
31-03-08, 14:56
Here's one:

A young couple had recently got married, and the wife had just taken a shower on their honey moon. She steps out of the bathroom in a towel, her husband smiles at her.
"My wife, we are married now. You can take your towel off in front of me." He tells her. She agrees and takes her towel off. Her husband beams at her, "You are beautiful, I'm going to take a picture."

The wife asks why and the man replies: "So I can keep it and It will remind me how goregous you are."

The next day, the husband takes a shower and walks out the bathroom in a towel. The wife smiles at him and says: "My husband, we are married now, you can take off your towel in front of me." So he does. The woman grins, "Let me take a picture of you."

"Why?" Her husband smiles.

"So I can get it enlarged."

:vlol:

MrBear
31-03-08, 14:57
I'd love to, but a quick google search on 'syntactic jokes' didn't do much good.. semantic ones aren't easy to find either..

If only I could get access to my morphology seminar teacher's supply of comic strips... She always starts out a seminar by presenting a 3-box cartoon with either a semantic or syntactic joke and they're mostly above average :p

What's the name of that kid with his tiger? Calvus and ? or something? They're called Steen and Stoffer in Danish but I can't find their original names..

dream raider
31-03-08, 14:58
I've found some dumb blonde jokes! No offense to blondes, I have nothing personal with you!

--------------------------------------
The assistant asked the blonde if she would like her pizza cut into six pieces or twelve.

"Six please" she said, "I could never eat twelve!"
--------------------------------------

A blonde was walking down the road with a healthy looking pig under her arm. As she passed the bus stop, someone asked,

"Where did you get that?"

The pig replied,

"I won her in a raffle!"
--------------------------------------

Three blondes were walking through a field when they came across a set of tracks.

The first blonde looked down at the tracks and said,

"I think they could be bird tracks."

The second blonde went to look and said,

"No, I think these are deer tracks."

They stepped aside and the third blonde went over to the tracks. She looked down, then got run over by the train!
--------------------------------------

A blonde asked someone what time it was, and they told her it was 4:45. The blonde, with a puzzled look on her face replied,

"You know, it's the weirdest thing, I have been asking that question all day, and each time I get a different answer."
--------------------------------------

A blonde and a redhead went to the bar after work for a drink, and sat on stools watching the 6 O'clock news. A man was shown threatening to jump from the Brooklyn Bridge, and the blonde bet the redhead $50 that he wouldn't jump.

Sure enough, he jumped, so the blonde gave the redhead $50. The redhead said,

"I can't take this, you're my friend."

But the blonde insisted saying,

"No. A bet's a bet."

Then the redhead said

"Listen, I have to tell you that I saw this on the 5 O'clock news, so I can't take your money."

The blonde replied

"Well, so did I, but I didn't think he would jump again!"
--------------------------------------

Nannonxyay
31-03-08, 15:00
^ :vlol: Great blonde jokes. :D

MrBear
31-03-08, 15:22
I couldn't find my favourite Calvin & Hobbes strip (I know, the odds weren't great), but these two are still great :D

http://img215.imageshack.us/img215/7123/calvinandhobbes2ev7.th.gif (http://img215.imageshack.us/my.php?image=calvinandhobbes2ev7.gif)

http://img227.imageshack.us/img227/9273/calvinandhobbesmc1.th.gif (http://img227.imageshack.us/my.php?image=calvinandhobbesmc1.gif)

(I hope this works, what with the missing Edit button :-O)

myrmaad
31-03-08, 15:32
Calvin and Hobbes
http://i26.photobucket.com/albums/c117/SeaBlossom/comic3.jpg

Drone
31-03-08, 16:04
I have two very lame jokes but they're fun coz they're lame

1) Question: How to split a fart on 5 pieces?
Answer:Fart in Glove

2) One half of hippopotamus meets another half of hippopotamus
1st half: who are you?
2nd half: *farts*

MrBear
31-03-08, 16:11
^ I don't get the second one :-S

myrmaad: another great Calvin & Hobbes :D did you by any coincidence make use of, or know of, a place where you can search among all C&H strips? I'm looking for one that consists of Calvin discussing with himself how some nouns and adjectives are turned into verbs and stuff, and then in the end I think his words are: "Verbing dumbs people." I just think it's hilarious and would really like to find it :)

myrmaad
31-03-08, 16:18
Unfortunately no, I just googled for C&H images that fit the following criteria:
1) online, 2) large enough to read, and 3) appealed to my own sense of humor.

Drone
31-03-08, 16:20
^ I don't get the second one :-S


if one half of hippopotamus has head then logically other half has bum

MrBear
31-03-08, 16:21
if one half of hippopotamus has head then logically other half has bum

Yeah, I got the joke but I don't get why it's funny :p

myrmaad: okay, thanks anyway :)

Angel_14
31-03-08, 16:22
Oh, Calvin and Hobbes... It's my favourite comic strip. Pity that Bill Watterson stopped doing it :(

You can find EVERY Calvin and Hobbes strip HERE (http://www.transmogrifier.org/ch/strips/index)
*goes to read them*

Gianni Bartoli
31-03-08, 16:24
nice thread :) stuff above wasn't so funny tho

I thought it was hilarious! :jmp::cln::tea::ton::vlol::whi:

petujaymz
31-03-08, 16:27
Q - How many lesbians does it take to change a lightbulb?

A - 4.

I don't get it either...

:wve:

MrBear
31-03-08, 16:27
Oh, Calvin and Hobbes... It's my favourite comic strip. Pity that Bill Watterson stopped doing it :(

You can find EVERY Calvin and Hobbes strip HERE (http://www.transmogrifier.org/ch/strips/index)
*goes to read them*

Thank you!! :hug:

I found the one that always stuck with me! Enjoy :D

http://img85.imageshack.us/img85/3763/calvinandhobbes3ma5.gif

(I foresee spending ALOT of time on transmogrifier.org...)

VonCroy360
31-03-08, 16:36
This (http://kris-wilson.deviantart.com/) guy is my absolute favourite. :)

coolezpunk
31-03-08, 23:32
Ctrl+Alt+Del Comics! :D:tmb:
http://cad-comic.com/comics/20080109.jpg
http://cad-comic.com/comics/20060823.jpg
http://cad-comic.com/comics/20071112.jpg

thecentaur
31-03-08, 23:56
There are two muffins in an oven.

One muffin says to the other, "is it me, or is it getting really hot here?"

the second muffin replied, "ah! a talking muffin!"

:ton:

i know, not the best, but who cares?

Twilight
01-04-08, 00:15
this thread screams some Cyanide and Happiness comics :D


http://www.flashasylum.com/db/files/Comics/Rob/purple-exed.png (http://www.explosm.net/comics/1224/)
Cyanide & Happiness @ Explosm.net (http://www.explosm.net/)


http://www.flashasylum.com/db/files/Comics/Dave/comicnascar1.png (http://www.explosm.net/comics/1218/)
Cyanide & Happiness @ Explosm.net (http://www.explosm.net/)


http://www.flashasylum.com/db/files/Comics/Matt/again-this-took-entirely-too-long-to-draw.png (http://www.explosm.net/comics/1216/)
Cyanide & Happiness @ Explosm.net (http://www.explosm.net/)

older ones


http://www.flashasylum.com/db/files/Comics/ComicaziRob8(1).jpg (http://www.explosm.net/comics/40/)
Cyanide & Happiness @ Explosm.net (http://www.explosm.net/)


http://www.flashasylum.com/db/files/Comics/ComicaziRob14.jpg (http://www.explosm.net/comics/42/)
Cyanide & Happiness @ Explosm.net (http://www.explosm.net/)


http://www.flashasylum.com/db/files/Comics/r3panel.jpg (http://www.explosm.net/comics/47/)
Cyanide & Happiness @ Explosm.net (http://www.explosm.net/)


:D

TRexbait
01-04-08, 01:38
2. "Actually, it's only the rear portion of the yard that overlaps the ancient indian burial ground."

Favorite one of all. :D