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Draco
01-04-08, 09:50
I have always had a lot of friends, but few are ever close enough to know the real me. For the longest time in my life I kept people on the other side of my armor, I never let anyone in. It made me seem cold and emotionless, which only helped keep people at arm's length. But the consequence is that no matter how many people I had around me, I was ultimately alone.

I didn't want to be alone, but I didn't want to be vulnerable even more. So even my girlfriends and my family never really saw me, the one I keep bottled up. The only outlet I allowed myself was the Internet, mainly because of the anonymity inherent in it.

My armor wasn't perfect of course, mainly because of the Internet. So inevitably some people got through and my need to repel them took a backseat to my desire to actually know someone. One such individual is the one I lost as a friend. You see I actually met her here, and she helped me through a time when I was vulnerable (some of you may even know something about it), so we got relatively close.

At the time she was what passed for my best friend. She knows things about me I probably will never tell my fiancee. She lives on the other side of the world, but she got closer to me than most people I love. When she came to visit my country, she spent 5 days in my city. I didn't make even a little effort to see her. I could say I was working long hours the entire time she was here, but we both know it wasn't a reason not to see your best friend. After she left we pretty much stopped...that was a year and a half ago.

I felt bad about it, I wanted to try to fix it, but I never did...my armor was back up and my pride wouldn't let me bring it back down. Not to long after I got tired of what I was doing and started going out with my soon to be wife. I've gone out of my way to show her what is under the armor, to show her who I am. We love each other. I didn't want to push anyone else away.

But despite my best efforts and intentions I find myself looking at other women, debating with myself if I should do it all again. It is a constant war within me, a constant struggle.

The friend I lost wasn't more than a friend, but maybe had potential to be. Ill never know.

Thanks for reading.

disneyprincess20
01-04-08, 10:04
That's a very honest post Draco, you must feel better for getting that out of your system.

It's sad you've lost your friend, it always is when people grow apart. Did your friendship dwindle on account of you not seeing this girl when she came over to see you?

myrmaad
01-04-08, 10:10
But despite my best efforts and intentions I find myself looking at other women, debating with myself if I should do it all again. It is a constant war within me, a constant struggle.

You are smart enough to see where this is going.

Opening yourself to just one special person can make all the difference. Think about this, what would you choose, real happiness or misery?

Half the world will choose the latter. What about you?

Draco
01-04-08, 10:24
Did your friendship dwindle on account of you not seeing this girl when she came over to see you?

While that didn't help, I think it was more how I handled it afterward.

Myrmaad, I make that choice everyday and sofar I have choden not to screw things up with my fiancee...the war rages on however.

myrmaad
01-04-08, 10:32
You say she's your fiancée.. have you talked with her about this? The day you make the wrong choice will begin the most painful time of her life, especially if it's after you walk down the aisle.

Openness and honesty, i.e. true, real transparency is your greatest protection, and you've already said, "She knows things about me I probably will never tell my fiancee", which gives me grave misgivings.

andromeda_eats
01-04-08, 10:41
First of all, don't you think she would have rather appreciated receiving this by email, regardless of how belated it is?

Second of all, if you let go a little, you and your fiance will find that as well. You got engaged too early because you were scared you'd let her go like you have done before, that doesn't mean you don't adore her and she isn't the right person for you. You got engaged to the right person for the wrong reasons. Its heal-able. Your first real relationship and BAM you are engaged. Honey, any man would be having a freak out session right now. Don't beat yourself up, you are so young. Just tell her you need to slow it down a bit, by the sounds of it, she will probably be glad.

Draco
01-04-08, 10:44
I didn't mean that in the sense that I keep secrets from her, but I just don't see myself going over my entire history with her. It may happen, but as of right now it hasn't come up. None of it is stuff I wouldn't tell her, but some things are just better left buried.

andromeda_eats
01-04-08, 10:52
That is a cop out.

Draco
01-04-08, 10:57
First of all, don't you think she would have rather appreciated receiving this by email, regardless of how belated it is?

Perhaps, but she might have just seen it as an elaborate and long winded apology or an excuse train...she really is a perceptive lass. This way its out there and I can't take it back.


As for my fiancee, we have been together a year and a half now. There is no doubt in my mind or my heart, but my old habit isn't going to die overnight or quietly. Ill never cheat on my love, but I the temptation is there.

Draco
01-04-08, 11:02
That is a cop out.

That is one interpretation, I'll probably tell her everything...when Im ready for her to know. It takes time to know someone enough to spend the rest of your life with them.

rowanlim
01-04-08, 11:03
1. About losing your friend: It's not the end. You can always try to contact her again & re-establish that friendship if both of you are willing.

2. About your fiancee: I suppose if you're going to marry someone, she has to be able to carry your secrets. Not telling her certain aspects of yourself shows lack of trust or fear, & you're cheating her by not truly showing her the REAL YOU. If you love her & she you, you should be able to share with her everything you've got. Keeping things from her is a bad sign.

Draco
01-04-08, 11:15
You are right of course, I still have a way to go despite how far Ive come. I just wish I hadn't of had to lose a Friend to find out how ****ed up Ive been all my life.

rowanlim
01-04-08, 13:29
You are right of course, I still have a way to go despite how far Ive come. I just wish I hadn't of had to lose a Friend to find out how ****ed up Ive been all my life.

Are you sure you lost your friend? Would it be impossible to reach out to her again?

Drone
01-04-08, 13:36
until you're both alive nothings lost. It will be damn hard maybe even impossible to bring it back but you can try. To lose friend is horrible but losing yourself is worst

Draco
01-04-08, 15:39
Are you sure you lost your friend? Would it be impossible to reach out to her again?

Quite sure.

Larapink
01-04-08, 15:41
I am sorry to hear about what happend, I just hope that you feel better everything will be okay. :hug:

rowanlim
01-04-08, 15:50
Quite sure.

Well. I guess you can only learn from this to improve yourself. You've got to let go if you won't/can't do anything about this :hug:

Capt. Murphy
01-04-08, 16:53
To a degree I can empathize...

It might be a hard decision, but if this person is your friend and if they know you're engaged... would they also be aware of the deepness of your feelings towards them? Maybe not "feelings" - but the level of personal intimacy you've had with them that -apparently- you haven't had with your fiancee...? If this person is your friend you should make known to them the conflict you're having, and of course be apologetic if you feel you have hurt their feelings for having "blown them off".

One can only wonder that if you had met this person face-to-face... Would anything greater (or worse) have happened? Any man (or woman) in the same situation would ask the same thing. It's good to have a conscience.

Maybe you can count this is a learning experience. If you give too much (of a part) of yourself to someone -- then give another part of yourself to someone else... You will be torn.

You're like me in a way (probably). Keeping most people at an emotional distance - while letting a select few get close, or, as you said it "letting them in". But anyone of us can have friends, and then there are people we would say we Love. We can share parts of our heart with friends... But with Love we give all of our heart.

I'm not sure what else I could say here. I know you're man enough to know what to do. But doing it is always the hardest part.

Find the balance.

--------
I could've asked you to pray to have God show you what is right, but seeing as you don't believe in God... :( nvrmd

Draco
01-04-08, 17:01
Thanks Cap'n.

andromeda_eats
01-04-08, 20:55
Perhaps, but she might have just seen it as an elaborate and long winded apology or an excuse train...she really is a perceptive lass. This way its out there and I can't take it back.

Well, you walked around and ended up right back where you started. It might not have been a successful journey, but it sure was eventful.

Draco
01-04-08, 22:10
Where you start and where you finish doesn't matter so much as how you got from one to the other.

Legends
01-04-08, 22:24
Are you struggling because you might never know if she could've been the one? Whatever relationship you were having with this woman, it sounds like you really cared about her, and if no one else really has gotten under your skin like that, maybe the real problem is that you and your fiancée don't have that connection. It sounds to me like you're searching for something more, someone who can make you feel complete (in more than just one way), or someone you truly can fall for. Finding love is the most difficult thing is the world, but if you have the feeling that you're not with the right person, I think that's your answer. There is nothing lonelier than being alone, except being with the wrong person. And it is all worth it if you find your love.

Draco
01-04-08, 22:51
No, I'm pretty sure we weren't headed for a relationship like that, I wouldn't say it would never happen.

As for my fiancee, she is the one, I'm just fighting myself about my old tendencies to push people away and just be distant and unavailable aka...safe.

Neteru
01-04-08, 22:56
There's not much I want to say really. Except you 'simply' need to address the deeper issues that made you that way in the first place. Nothing else will do. But I'm quite sure you're intelligent enough to know that anyway.

Legends
01-04-08, 23:08
Then you need to let your fiancee into your heart, that's the only way. Protecting yourself from love is what most people do, afraid to get hurt, but a very few of them are with the right person. So, if you know that you are, you shouldn't be afraid.