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View Full Version : The lunacy of this forum's "Three Word Story"


Scottlee
26-05-04, 13:41
I thought it would be humerous to gather up some of the material used in the "Three word story" thread (pages 1 to 20 to be exact) and see what it looked like in proper paragraph form. Unfortunately though, I doubt the story is ever going to be snapped up for a motion picture. It's full of incoherant plot-lines and nonsensical imagary, best illustrated by this little beauty......

“This frightened the multi-coloured camal that which also got PMT so Lara grabbed her new tennis shoes and went to the Antartic to find UFO’s under the fire that burned her on her behind when she moved over”

????????

Given lines like that, I'm surprised it took forum member Sarah 600 17 pages to gingerly ask...

“(Does this story have a point anymore?)”

Just as funny are some of the more casual forum member interludes, which appear more and more as the story goes on. Anyway, enjoy. Eat your heart out Stephen King.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Last Tuesday I killed a lumberjack but forgot to hide the evidence, but now the man’s dog is humping my leg. A warm sensation came over me and without warning I realised that the sensation was reminding me that the Artic is chilly. I went over there to see sugar coated icebergs so I took a sharp knife and put it deep into the neck of Willard and he looks up at me and says “What the? Look out!” Suddenly an ugly beast came out and wound in Willard’s bed and said “How dare you? You ugly minger! I thought you were my hooker, not my doctor”. So then he falls asleep again. He dreamt about a beautiful forest with naked people eating blue coloured cupcakes with a sharp pointy object. Then my cellmate shook me awake and told me to look outside to see the clear blue sky with giant flying pink elephants in baby blue tutu’s acting wacker with a hobo on.

The Disneyland train eating fried rice with tomato sauce. I spotted a midget chewing on a baby’s teething ring and holding a large pair of purple chopsticks in one hand whilst spitting out rice. I turned back to check if he was choking, but he was dead. Slowly I understood I forgot my purpose in life, which was to play Tomb Raider, get new shoes, and a big log house built inside a gross, giant rotting pumpkin with an odd front door which opens into a world without Tomb Raider. Then he cried, cry even more. Then his head began to spin and turned into a golf ball. I took my golf club and swung it at his legs because they looked like they needed to be shaved again, and puss was oozing out over the lumberjack I saw last Tuesday, so I rubbed my crystal ball against his head and saw something very strange looking. Please don’t ruin one of the best threads on the boards – Elen. You scare me. I am lost in the forest. Thankyou Elen. Perhaps we should start a new story? This one has gotten sort of lost. What do you guys think?

Yes, if we begin anew like this. She set out late at night on a journey where the damned Atlantean centaur wouldn’t let her pass so she took a really big chainsaw and proceeded to swallow it. As expected it slit her throat, but she managed to dodge it, but with a little bit of blood trailing her miniskirt which apparantly had ripped when she fell from the cliff. I gave her a tasty banana and she begged for some medical attention which she only wanted for a slight headache. She had forgot to swing on the rope after she jumped from the speeding train so she fell into a pit full of spiders, and she said “Where the hell are my nuts?”, but she realised that a monkey and a bird were gliding over a freshly cut hole in a crystal – encrusted cavern which the spiders held their annual family reunion in.

The special cavern her nuts were hard and round except when they got squished because a boulder dropped from high upon…Excuse me, don’t mean to sound *****y but I wish people would read prior posts before adding..a mountain top. Lived there was a cave monster, big and glowing with hideous breath, but beautiful eyes of emerald green, but the nose had an enormous eyeball stuck out, covered in blood, which dripped down on to a baked potato. It tasted nice but it looked truly awful, so Lara decided to go to the cinema with me, and guess what we saw sitting in front of us – was a enchanting elf, but he was throwing popcorn and milkbuds at AJ onscreen WITH WATCHING OWN. Making no sense. “So what?” I decided to try touch my toe by my nose. Aaaaaaaaaaaaaa.

So, one day after a long nap in purple thorn bush I suddenly awoke by the sound of a speeding pineapple on wheels. It smelt like my dog’s poop. Then I went next door to make my dad a garden shed that will kill secret ninja monkeys that are attacking Lara as she searches for secrets.deep under water, when without warning a full stop appeared. Damn you to keep my money, but my monkey that had one tiny hairy ball started running to a strange shadow, because it thought ‘This is crazy’, and had to eat their feet, but when it reached the shadow it floated around like a dead goldfish in a dark pool of thick black oil, with the midnight moon shining on its bloated face.

Suddenly, the shadow screamed as if giant mutant dogs were tearing my fragile little pink, thick, long, hair, which I plucked out with a red hot chilli pepper and screamed like a banshee with PMT. This frightened the multi-coloured camal that which also got PMT so Lara grabbed her new tennis shoes and went to the Antartic to find UFO’s under the fire that burned her on her behind when she moved over. Grab a long mysterious sword that had a weird face carved on the blade above an undecipherable enscription, which looked like something from a long time ago when goddesses ruled and unicorns walked. She looked closer and discovered that holding his big gun to attack anyone stupid enough to think they could control the menacing, evil looking sword of vengance, which dripped with slimy green mucus and started to glow and vibrate. The sword started singing a tune from the movie. Post edited. Keep it tasteful! Admin. Oi. That was more than three words, tlr. That I saw with Frodo last time we were running from a giant red scorpian through London town, a most ginormous scorpian, for its tail alone was as long as a large pink, slightly weathered looking canal boat. It carried a stinger that looked like something to me.

I vaguely remembered from my past that Lucky had never seen before and will probably never have to never see again. It stung me. I started seeing strange looking objects in the air, brightly coloured and slightly incandescent the halucinagenic toxin. (I like the flower, Elen). Lara whipped out her supply of empty Lucozade bottles and realized that (thank you, Annacia) Lucozade made her repeatedly say “no”. She then threw the only thing she found handy, a smelly sock, soooooo smelly it attracted lots of FLIES, and they started eating small pieces of slimy green particles from out of the sting wound, which was swelling up with weird consequences for Lara, as she began to run, eating well, chewing on the remains of a big mac she had bought several weeks before that was stuffed with maggots and basilosaurus pepper steak, washed down with warm Dr Pepper (Oh, this is just gross), which was mixed, shake not stirred with a poisonous South American frog dart toxin.

Then she died, but no-one day is it? Signed the guestbook (sorry bout the last one) because in fact she was dreaming of Kurtis Trent and Cilla Black. (That one was a bit of a story killer, Scottlee!) dressed as a San Diego Lightfoot Sue, and was also dancing the tango with the guy who ate spaghetti and large meatballs with yummy yeast, beer, which a frog lost a fly while trying to juggle golf balls, which wasn’t easy because of the (calm down girls) buzzing chainsaw blade. He was jumping (all’s cool Tabsbad. Welcome to the playground) on one leg (Usually I was too short to reach the monkey bars) but soon decided after 400 posts to take a flying leap over a nearby trashcan but missed and (Does this story have a point anymore?) caught doggie poo (it means we’ve all still got three words we haven’t used before. I’m not going back 16 pages to find out).

It felt very warm and squishy. The End. Period. And realised that Kurtis whipped out a war hammer made of licorice and therefore floppy as well as just sweet as candy can be. Therefore he took careful aim at the green wad of hum on the bottom the big table across the street one afternoon in a long forgotten small Canadian café, whose amazingly great food (I know it’s four words, but..) with waving tentacles (sorry about my dark culinary jokes) was very fresh and lovin it. It was Tuesday when surprisingly the toilet wouldn’t flush because of the rusty jiggly handle. So she decided to use a discarded tuna can because she was thinking something fishy might lure the unsuspecting small menace which was cute yet nasty away from the stupid old fool who put the bottle next to the alcoholic baby who wanted Jack Daniels formula which was hidden in the small crevice on the backside of the high shelf in the ship’s galley moored on the…(hehe good one)…musty end at Pittsburg Park Wharf, where strange things were flying in dark shadowy clouds.

Then AA guns sounded from far – “Oh my god! It’s from Cananda”. Time out. Oh please, like Canada has guns. The West Edmonton Mall has more submarines than the can. Navy (true fact!). Ok, time in…not from over the other side of the empty deep, dark ocean. They killed Kenny! Again Kenny rises because he wanted to leave a mark in South Park for the next who will visit yelling out HIDEEEHOOO. When Kenny finished returning to life someone appeared and (I just realized that my previous post didn’t make sense after Raider’s post. I’m sorry) asked Kenny for a way out because he was tired of looking like a corpse with nobody to hold his hand or even to talk to. Maybe joining the form would be interesting, if only he had a computer and could type like Yasser Arafat using only his seldom used small… (Not going there, thought of a few lines and I’m not using any of them)

[ 26. May 2004, 14:51: Message edited by: Scottlee ]

Joseph
26-05-04, 14:52
Hey Scotlee, i am working on it as well, from the point where Deano stopped in his summary.

summary of Deano (http://www.tombraiderforums.com/cgi-bin/ultimatebb.cgi?ubb=get_topic;f=9;t=002699#000000)

...of fake drops of diet Coke into the eyes of the tornado that was rapidly eating all the strange red vegetation and makes it run like a scared little chicken to the safety that he has...
Meanwhile back at the big Farm I gently toasted the marshmellows on a boiling hot very strange looking fire.
Meanwhile, back at the site... the intoxicated gnomes told stories about the days when things were a bit more hopefull and life had more meaning... and there was a moonshine still over big moose in the north of Lucitania country courthouse where the defendant claimed he had never seen the size of a McDonalds Value Meal and that he didn't touch any or sniff any or even attempt to kick any drips from the leaky green balloon that hung precariously from Ronald's big big signpost on the turnpikes verge where the road diverged in the ominous Black Forest of the midget knife wielding horrors of the Iguanophanockomopus... a 6.5 legged potato sack race running in opposite was causing too...
Yeah, What ?????????? ... they all asked...
What's going on??????????
Then suddenly a bolt of lightning caused the entire sky to fizz with the sound of Music! Just as the bell fell on the Iguanaphanockomopus tribesman of New Trepawavey Island ... which was off to the south of Peter Pan's magical pixie lagoon where the elephant was drunk of cheap wine spritzers... suddenly he stumbled and fell onto a purple fairy who had once told a bedtime horror story about a wooden nosed half mad woodpecker who would streak naked through the front lawn of the sheiks harem...where seldom seen scantily clad nymphs that danced merrily upon the carpet of squashed bananas.
Sometimes they like to do Flashdance on the tiled rooftops overlooking the local rubbish tip where the great heaps of forgotten treasures rested in ... amongst potato skins and withered noses...fading petals fall on forgotten letters...Loves words lost... that once were coded directions to the magical land where sheep gazed in loves heart and bleeted blah...was deafening to the ear of...of the monstrum... which was stuttering "where is my giant rubber turkey?"
The starcrossed lovers...entwined in embrace...realized that they couldn't be without ice cold Coke served with mushrooms, wine and candles in Amsterdam...where tulips grow surrounded by frogs darkly croaking at a privet hedge whose densely entwined poison purple leaves they chewed for toxins so they could morph into purple people eaters with fluffy slippers and terry cloth bathrobes in green that won't close because of the heavy binging that keeps the dragon from enjoying his favorite meal of bananas and pickeled knights (without armor)...which causes terrible belching and f***ing heartburn of the right upper ventricle which was vigorously pumping copious quantities of A+ blood of acid base Neurotoxins that gave them a total squash-like effect much like butternut... which was so nauseating that hyena's poor appendix burst and caused a tidal wave that relieved the heartburn...of the dragon from the bitter peach pit which was named Fred and had green moss on his moss on his double posted reply...because the forumite had ten chickenfingers...eight of which were deep fried...the other two were unfortunately very extreme andidisestablishmentarianists who always mis-constued what was to become a rather undecided...something like honey mutant bees made on the night-shift at the bee-factory above carnivorous grass...partial to a cow every now'n then that would snap up a snapdragon with candied blossoms... and shed tears of pure joy over what was a quite enjoyable cup of coffee...and jelly filled pan fried doughnuts called Krispy Kremes...

As the tears where held back... slowly flowed down the pain, withheld... was finally unleashed...all the sorrows that had been stored inside firecrackers that bursted with...whose explosive capability was greatly overrated and a disappointment to behold in the wild July barmitzva on the mountain side meddow... where purple fairies danced happily with the rosey coralbells who were nodding their heads like they were high on marshmallow juice...they started singing about canadian weather... which was the most boring song ever to be sung on the lower right motherboard...whose twinking lights put Sol in the Valley-Of-Shadows...which was eaten by a fifty story mutant goldfish (...pound yellow turtle...) who was walking through downtown Caïro...whistling a showtune about wet tar from the Pirates on high wheeze...whose stickyness adhered to system backup...whose insurance rates...which lasted forever and a day...were abnormally high and then low like a crumpet full of butter melted into each nook and cranny...and ran over onto the deep 70's shag carpet of electric blue...which ate people if they stepped into the shag's irritable mid-section...now you could buffett his nose while he is sleeping, but only if it was under heavy anaesthetic...that he slept the sleep of the disturbed chinchilla whose rotating eyes and sneaky smile were reminiscent of howling mad Murdock from beyond Thunderdome of red gravel and shifting dimensions...the gecko morphed into a lilac pterodactyl which ate amoeba with minty chocolate and a burning Frisian liquor...while the horses rabidly attacked the meat-eating dandelions...whose hot breath sulph'rously melted Earth...till all that remained was a neon green smoke-ring... swerling complex ethers into other dimensions...

Meanwhile, the dandelions, having no meat, regrouped for a declaration of the giant space octopus...
...the martians declared "Possums are illegal!" ...so the blackmarket started selling possums for one thousand Martian Globular Squidgees of the lesser sense per cubic Martiametre of possum...
meanwhile the possum revolt...which caused political unrest in the communist dictatorship in the stratosphere ...and general havoc when the carnivorous dandelions reappeared again...then grew 10 ft. tall when they were severed by low flying cactuses which had thorns of mystical Klabwoogdazzakan'd'dye'herrt'o seeds that had power to temporarily kill any passing torndinko which snikken'fflwaith'rim'd past...when really hungover on interstellar honeydew nectar of green 3000 tonna amoeba fluid by I.V or other means not spoken of by the Martians lost in space in search of kyrptonite, a lot!

Someone figured out about the revolting squidgy sludge below whose terrible stench knock out a refridgerator at 10000 paces (...giant hairy snuffleupagus...) in the LoghtyfremmlopllikSwamp... whose very large Loghtyfremmlopllik trees would (...incredibly prehensile toes...) tend to sway to and fro in time to the Martian pipes which sounded uncanningly like 127 squalling cats all in chorus and incredibly off key...
The cats stampeded out the bagpipes and into the nearby waiting teleportation module which sent them hacking and coughing to Earth Two... up huge hairballs whose green colour in the stratosphere was caused by out of control colourful vegetarian phoenixes... whose strange call was like AM-radio-waves floating in space, scrambling hyperspace communication...To such a degree that Spock's ears began wildly flapping and his eyes crossed. His final signal rocked the ether in UV rays with tremendous force...then he disapparated into tiny little pieces 'cause he'd never learned how vulcan-human integration worked to style hair...poor, poor Vulcan who needed food, victim of human puzzles like psychology and his Vulcan brain which rapidly shrivelled, the absurdities of life...which were absurdly absurd...which by far, outdid the drama of entropy...which left sadness in the heart of darkness that raged like Hades' loo for total forgiveness from the Smurfs...whose blue bodies went wiggling into Aldwych subway train...where they were promptly consumed by another bl**dy T-rex which burped loudly into the ear of the flibbertygibbet... down behind the boulder with the green extremely fuzzy teeth that inflicted an awful bloody gash from head to feet...and then she promptly threw up 439 Big Macs an AOD chocbar and half a dozen shotguned velociraptor steaks...which smelled like Pierre's sweaty boxers...

Kurtis Trent is the hottest character... when he burns... his wifes dinner will burn too... and Lara will get her guns and shoot the dinner...the end. Or something very similar might perhaps magically turn this into yet another random load of nonesense...which consisted mainly of on-going rapid-fire burps and other bodily noises... whose noisome odour was unearthly like a dragons scaly tail ...upon which a lemming sat reading Crime and Punishment because hibernating sucks like sour lemons eaten in small-town Germany...
...a bear who was snacking upon forrest-dwelling survivalists who didn't run ...because he was under analogue control on a PS2!!!! ... which was gummed up, mammoothes getting mired or wired on fluffy bunnies...whose razor-sharp teeth were ravenous eating the dandelion-fluff after which... was rosy pink bedroom slippers with little blue bells which were attached to a chain of rubberhands tied together...whose extremely painful recoil was like venomous fangs of a snake infected with pon-farr...whose antidote was extinct just like the Dodo ... and homo erctus homosexuals ran nakey through the dewey meadows...while screaming at large mutant turnips whose rampaging greens with tops flailing marched across the squidgy mushroom fields... and strangled Kurtis whose zero posts get him shot and sent to an insane asylum where shock therapy (...while helping failed miserably...) ...to calm the (...Hydra's raging inner battle ...)raging beast within its single cycloptic eyeball... all red and bloodshot... regarded you cunningly whilst scratching its itchy left bollock considering if you drink Stella-Artois accordingly, gobbling down flayed episiarch...lightly fried in rare brimstone oil... tastes rather like orange gummi bears and battery acid but smelt worse than t-rex dung that had been coated in luminescent fermented squid guts ... which attracted cats and many wierdo's from New Zealand ...who promptly kicked a dead mongoose along the banks of the rivers of Hell...that expelled blood at Lara Croft who didn't duck because she had a leg cramp and a broken pistol holster that dropped in the long Venice canal which homed pirranah's and Aldebaran mud-slitherythingies along with gators and cufflinks...mixing a ****tail of unmentionable consistency.

The sofa then decided to galopp off to Severnaya because it was cold in fridge with Winston...and got lost in his underwear...where it shrivelled like a cabbage leaf in molten lava...that flowed out his "dickie" bookbag that was brown...and smelled like an old sock of Bill Clintons'.
Also George Bush ... who stupidly sat next to Sadaam... thinking it was Tony Blair with a comical moustache...just like Cherie's underarm hair which resembled Orangatang...singing: "I'm the king of the swingers"...whilst eating three giant purple bananas from Donkey Kong Country, which exploded...nitro had been set off by a flammable fart...burning his butt-hairs and singe-ing the midgie song to Star Spangled Banner... a Rhinestone Cowboy with no brains just french fries with ketchup and deep brown gravy...and lumps of small snot balls...
1500 are doen with great respect and great thanks, flattering and fluttering during the night ...on wings of glittering gold coins that were heavy, but the purse exploded quite violently because of the sun hitting it with a wet fish...
Hmmmm, I...............nevermind!
What was THAT...that was smelly all by itself...and going off very rapidly and...Then a large alligator with sharp teeth that pierced slices of toast...liberally bedecked with necklaces of pearls...toasted side up and golden white...and looking like something that had survived nuclear war ...to regenerate again into a slivery reconstructed super highway...littered with intricate speed cameras but the purple people drove their cars into big ditches...where they just sat quietly until I flew by singing a song about lotus blossoms and ketchup stains and chubby people in tin cans and alien abductions!!
I was abducted by ugly aliens who wore bikini's and played marbles all day long untill bed time...when they just got it on in the old time-honored blissful fashion with hot wax and chilled champagne and bondage gear... and then they both saw something tall and grey like a shadow of Lara Croft in tight red socks and short pants she sayed
"hello there Kurtis"...
and he screamed girlishly... and he ran up a tree quivering with fear...and mumbling to himself insanely whilst Lara prodded him...did the can-can with some squirrels and a giraffe with four left feet ...which is rather dangerous to use her guns and kill all...
The monkeys with bad breath...who all needed Smints...and fat midgets... and stinking feet...
Something squealed like a piglet...
It was Kurtis...eating all the little truffles and drinking all the fresh, iced Irn-Bru...the lukewarm sherry that makes you all dizzy and feel really sick and just awfully cold and looking for trouble with an Uzi and three shotguns full of slugs that splat everywhere in a shower!
The toiletmonster appeared...toiletmonster ~ "Kurtis Trent".
"I'll eat you!"

Last night Lara phoned Kurtis and said Alex is S E X I E R.
Kurtis was annoyed.

Kurtis met mr. Pimms.

What has happened? It's all gone...

The next bit of the story...
Kurtis and mr. Pimms planned to kill Lara! Lara escaped to America and met Alex West!...Pete Tog...and told Lara ...enter Pop Idol...
the idiot savant is making a mockery of everything sacred and purely good... cup of cocca with piping hot and sugary bits...and Lara died from sugar poisoning...which caused bonions and big fat hairy boils to grow on Kurtis...who also died...which left only Alex who wept big wet tears...and he drowned in melted chocolate...then along came the easter bunny to eat all white sugar mice...but fortunatley its...it's very nice and extremely tasty...and his toes were covered with fat toad warts which he stole from the hairy yeti, which looked kinda tired, but all he needed some sleep... so pulled the duvet over his head....thinking happy thoughts of chomping on the bed stead...it tasted like McDonalds french fries mixed with old dirty sweat socks that turned green and were as disgusting as the moldy boxes of the AOD controls...but, t'was fine...because of the radioactive violently coloured multi coloured swapshop on a Saturday disgusting discovery channel...although, it was very educational on...filling up a spare few minutes in the universal Steve Irwin Channel...the croc ate him...except his little you know what?
Much to his surprise it floated amazement, he could really? while floating?
Then it sank like a stone, Mick Jagger, to full and floppy and some "Satisfaction"...with huge lips made in Hong Kong by pink martians drinking Red Bull mixed with some "girders" from Scotland...a rare treat that'll make you... Lara: ...I'm coming tombs... to world's end in molten turmoil... like luscious treacle in a backpack made of cotton from the south of Milton Keynes west of t'smoke...
During a peasouper she stumbled into the world of the unliving...all smelly and creapy and gray like dead Lara... awaiting Kurt to bring her back!
Prince in disguise was Von Croy...who brought back the main players...using eye of toad tongue of newt into the melting-pot...when it boiled the concoction was so poisonous it it killed them woke up Lara...the reversable power and the immortality pill...which was a placebo
But then Lara regurgitated the poison...and proved immune and didn't die...the pill, also regurgitated proved abnormally high, for a placebo, in anti-toxins, therefore..(...and burned an...)...the fiendish plot...(...enormous flaming hole...)...of FuNiel Manchu...which killed everyone.

Lara awoke from the evil clutches of Dr. ChristifIknowanythingaboutmedicine...
i give up she said, desperate...and fell over... her drawn Uzi's began to fire into the crowd of evil people...
suddenly, without warning ...one of them began to pull her very long hair plait around... so she grabbed him by the neck and threw him over her and said...
pie and ice cream
...and killed her in her dreams.
When she awoke Neil was dead.
She was crying..."What have i done to him"
Leaning over Neil... he opened his eyes and blinked...Lara said: didn't i killed you??
"I kill you?"
..."no you didn't"...
oh...said Lara...wipeing away her tears and looking at his face that WAS bleeding...
"Don't worry I'm not going to blame you for what you have done to me/my
..."done, it's not"...
...in the past... i was a
this is really confusing...
... little bit confused so i sold in a devlish fit of pique all my guns!
...mis-fired, shooting the overhead cable holding the grand piano above her head above the pool...where he swam like a rock...fell into the Egyptian sandpit and drowned unmerciflly...with a scarab beetle on him...pulling him out of the sandpit... looking like a mummy entombed too long...but suddenly something glittered in t'sand like a shining...like a shiney thing...and popped to the surface...it was a face covered in sand and grit.
It opened its 10 eyes, and said
i am a bit scared OMG, it's the terror from somewhere in Surrey or Sussex?...

...big fluffy duvet started to fly away into the starry night sky... like a butterfly on the wing of an adventure as it should be ...quite alot of action has taken place here, and it's become weird...
very weird indeed...with mindless killing and sneaky plans to decimate t'population and to be foiled at t'last-minute... by none other than the dead mutants and people (...Red Welsh Dragon...) that killed a... a moment in time...including everything else on the island of the terrible Attila the Hun and Bon Jovi...who do terrible to make matters worse for everyone who held hands with the enormous troll from t'cave of vampire bats... and sat in a pile of guano...before realizing that the sticky mess could never be dainty with its awful stench and mouldy looks, but worst of all...it made you kill Lara and...and take her (think, not again...) to Voodoo Doctor... Who couldn't resurrect anyone else except Lara, who leaped up from the big fat pig...screaming, "I'm free" ...
Lara then walked down the hall...whistling happy tunes...thinking happy thoughts...and dropped dead in front of t'same Voodoo Doctor...the doctor quickly used a medipack from her backpack.
...got up and silenced her revolver... and turned around... and she shot the mass murderer ...whose name was Osama Bin Laden...she shot again...her gun jammed... she was happy that her job was over for today.
That night she slept deeply...woke thinking of the dream she had about an ancient, handsome warrior she met in the hall of...'twas wonderous place...
They met when Lara was in the dole queue...

"Is that all?" ... I want more than the average dearranged killer Neil... who tried to get the medipacks for peaceful purpose but couldn't reach her heart's desire... so instead, she bought a new...a golden letter...
The letter was from Von Croy...instructing Lara to search for the tomb of the Sleeping mummies, she said "Hurrah", a satisfying day's work ahead of me for an extra bottle of wine...
but Lara disdained to drink it for a little...because she had a terrible headache brought on by too much wine.

But suddenly rats attacked her, so she was very quickly leapt to the bar above her in an athletic feat of ingenuity...and swung like a trapeze artist with graceful ease over the hoard of starving beasts and fell through a time warp into Imperial Persia! ...Ah, Agha Khan...
The rats also time-warped, but Lara drew her (twin)pistols in apocalyptic glee and shot them without hesitation. She then ran to the save crystal that told her to go the hidden passage... which looked like the spider's parlour... huge webs everywhere...and a few nasty big spiders had captured her from behind, and quickly devoured her stale tuna sandwich and packet of... ...which went well with lara's body which it consumed in a passionate and deliberate manner...slowly digesting her body with acids from its stomach...which was totally useless due to her clever use of a small Remegel, which covered her entire body with protective liquid that prevented acid killing Lara, and moved onto quieter and more reflective pass through mode...like an apparation slipped up behind and said "Boo".
Lara screamed and turned around to succesfully castrate Kurtis...
Kurtis collapsed in horror and pain and died horribly but not before he killed Lara by blasting her in the stomach...but then someone came and did a life saving procedure which enabled life to continue...
But then a...Cousin It appeared...and killed her
but was she...
by vapourisation, which destroyed any trace of the cheese and ham toastie which nullified the

Have any of you people read this page?? It makes no sense at all even for the thread!!!
Who cares she's got to die...
O no she hasn't...she's totally immune to absolutely everything...to cheese ham and toasties...lets end here...
But come back as always happens.... she grinned defiantly and fell to her death, splat, but landed on a fluffy matress...the foam saved her as it had magical qualities...exploded into eclairs deep inside her tummy fully sated....and she liked what she saw ...in the reflection ...really scared her...her dead body! But the reflection was not true... as it distorted of time, making everything the opposite.
So she lives on VERY healthy in a nice, VERY safe place... far away from "t'fiendish numbered one" for another year...but he will lurk in t'background like sulpher smell... but the antidote will make her very immune to all diseases...so she takes very special precautions...guards t'only vial of the antidote for all eternity...

In the beginning Him upstairs said ...let there be lots of cats who would set with there main to eliminate Lara...
But the plotting...which they succeeded... machinations of a tortured mind allowed the world to change into a better place for Lara to live it up exploring sunny holiday resorts in the Caribbean...but then neil was nailed to 4 oatmeal cookies with currents too...too strong for her to swim...
and she drowned. (no she didn't)
...with natural bouyancy... she stayed afloat cos she's invincible and unsinkable with an amazing ability to revive herself.
She took a big yellow bathtowel and wrapped it round and round the nearby flagpole...shimmied up t'pole with a paintcan leaving her tag...and fell to her death almost, but she managed to hold onto the towel... breaking her fall ...again on t'ground...she arose, walking towards t 'spinning vortex of magical power and said.......eggnog!!!!
She had banged a part of the vortex, causing a displacement in time and space...which took her to an unknown yet oddly familiar setting... The city of the dead ...a.k.a. Los Angeles...where she ended up in a nice healthy body with Snake Pilsken.
But then she played soulcalibur II...until she nearly got past t'first level where she got KO'd by a box of kleenex tissues, tumbling arse over tit...
when she saw The Golden Arm... gleaming like a... like the sun in a way... much like a cheese and ham toastie with extra sweetcorn...that left her feeling rather greasy like a teenager without clearasil. Oh, if only i had a sponge and remembered my two trusty pistols...so i could give everybody a good blasting of toasted marshmellow puffs dripping with honey...accompanied by a fat woman singing off-key and off-balance... and concealing a cheesey grin, spreading her open arms...and in each passing second, holding all the love...a womans heart holds the key to open the Box of Hope.
To open the hidden door, once she leapt the Cradle of filth. Ugh, she cried.. I need water and body wash...
Off she went to t'valeting service where she got an all over temporary tiger tattoo! She felt exuberant as she climbed the winding hill that leads to a ramshackle hut wherein lives the hermit, Kermit Smurfit... an expert in ju jitsu, kung fu, arm wrestling and blindfold origami.
Dressed elegantly in the latest from Vera Wang Bridal...and her posy was blue and white with a small daisy in t'middle...which cleverly conceiled the timed bomb set to destroy the numbered one's computer & monitor...which had a magic screensaver... spinning, spiraling vortex...which suddenly stopped!
She was thrown into oblivion ... where she met Elen & tlr online...and they grabbed each other, tightly...as they were there from the beginning when they first concocted the fiendish but very clever catdog of tihocan!
A crazy affair begun so innocently...but soon developed amidst the ruin of Angkor Wat! It then died...due to an enlarged finger tumor which prevented the increasingly frustrated Lara from shooting a gun. Then she decided that perhaps it was good because she was sick of being thwarted in picking her juicy red apple from a plum tree...from which hangs an alpine apple of danish origin frozen to t'core of its being. Yet still sweet enough to bite into her wallet where the picture of her bagel sat calmly resting beside her favourite chocolate cookie dough flavored lip gloss...which had melted all over the ground where she had noticed a scrunched up note reading the words...
... she was shocked...
Lara, help me... said the shadow that apparently floated above the note that simply read "ouch, my head"...
The voice called: Do y'hear me at the back?!
Surprised by this very strange development she quickly turned around and saw a 40-foot-high toastie of sanded cracker jack rabbit, hopping mad as hell! Like a burned yet polished doorknob...
Slowly, she turned the polished knob open, into the great, empty void...
.........cut!
hehehe...
(sighs) Shall we try that again...?
The laughing director...(...aaaarrrgghhh!...)
... who wasn't laughing but really choking to a confused yet patient audience ...who'd payed money! not to see in t'VCI Headquarters to see this poor parody of great literature in a comic style...
Lara got out her magnificent chest and flashed photographers who were shocked...and covered their thoughts with a hint of embarrassment...but then quickly began to disperse... revealing a terrible pool of perspiration that drowned all living people and nearby insects, including the great, big guardian of Semerkhet!
On earth are sufficient quantities of extra people and every very wierd beans on toast ...that was very hot and tasty but unknown to filling, but still cheap as chips!
Getting back on...
"Can flys fart?"
Lara looked puzzled...because there was a rather large...a large puzzle...lot of nonsense flying about the fly beside her clicky clicky clicky...which she flattened with a well-shot foot, in a matter of minutes, leaving her free to reveal her handbag contents.
"Goodness"...spluttered Von Croy..."OOOOH CHASE ME"
Why should I?
Why should you.
We hate you!
..."a tiresome bore"..."so get knotted!"
"You two queers?"
Meanwhile, Lara smiled...
Let's just ignore all the brainless people? who try...
The interlude over...
What interludes that?
Your intermission is...

Having destroyed blerty...then order prevailed for me to go on holiday! Never trust a pirate!
Pirates are great and say odd things at times like "me hearties"...they blurt jolities and buckle t'swash... but without effect...'cos it was blunt from the buttocks...
I've told her and told him "avast me hearties.." like true maties with smooth sailing although occasionally turbulent...

Lara hoisted t'sail... singing "Life on the ocean wave"...checked the compass...gave the crew the right to drink rum anytime...heave to, sots!...not landlubbers now! Trim that main...hoist that sail!...and off we jolly well go! ... A new adventure beckoned from t'east... as it followed an ancient lure... became known as "Captain Cook's gold buried on Oak Island" ... Where is the map??? Hidden as well in t'peg leg of the parrot that once stood proudly on t'deck of the "Beagle"... The raging wind.....but was lost in the rain forest of the Amazon...not far from pirhana infested waters where Lara had hidden her guns...now they wet... with the rainwater clogging the barrels and soggying the explosive stuff... ...meaning it wouldn't...so Lara would have to dive into the TNT causing the explosion that killed her exploding her body into millions of bits that were too small to put back together. Fortunately, a cloning-genius had forseen this possibility and Lara was whole as Mark II.
So she swam all the way to the shadow guardians in the giant squid's lair where she had heard tell of...buried her Uzis...a spell to inhance all pies in the cabin aft of t'galley...

... was the liferaft...
(where are you?)

...but swimming in't was a'great white lara eating shark...but she had g'white protective armour in t'form off a bigger white shark that ate the lost parrot...which had somehow got lost. Then without warning a giant squid rose from beneath with its tentacles reaching towards Lara's backpack...
"ARGHHHHH...oops, sorry" ...said the squid which had touched Lara, and stained Lara's freshly washed silk shirt.
"YOU ANNOYING PEST! i'll make you pay for the dry-cleaning which you will need to do before Saturday, because it is too late"...
I've ran out of meaningful ideas for cloning Lara so i'll have to adventure more into obliteration forever...and then you start all over harmoniously and peacefully 'till the guns on the roof kill her deadliest enemy she killed yet again, when she had just finished AOD and was thinking much about nothing when...
...a light shone from up above...signalling the arrival of a dark angel determined to tell Lara t'sad news of the succesfull fight to t'death that she had in t'great struggle of t'wild boar against the canary (who was particularly ferocious) with the millet...began to clobber... but Lara said
"ahha, me hearties...this here'millet's mighty-tasty...but best eaten like a pretzel with a'friend like Long John Silver...with his wooden leg left behind on the mantle-piece where it belongs...waiting for t'fire to rekindle t'spark to a flame of passionate desire ... like the movies of the 50's...Bogie & Bacall...and they said...
Lets All Dance!!!
...they joined hands while smacking each Lara and Kurtis...while laughing out loud, Lara drew her gun to the tune of Sound of Music...when suddenly there...
But Julie's vocal-chords were off key...not unlike a popsong...

page 107

[ 26. May 2004, 20:12: Message edited by: joseph ]

larasfrend
26-05-04, 18:35
OMG! We should send this to Paramount and see what they think! :D

ELEN
26-05-04, 18:39
Originally posted by larasfrend:
OMG! We should send this to Paramount and see what they think! :D LOL!! :D

At some points though, it doesn't make sense. But it was a nice try!!

Joseph
26-05-04, 19:05
Originally posted by ELEN:

At some points though, it doesn't make sense. But it was a nice try!!You mean mine or Scottlee"s? :D

What ya mean: "nice try"? This part i took was actually in the early period (before i ever contributed myself)... amazing how many people don't read back before they post, or their spelling is soo bad or multiple people posting at the same time and then don't edit afterwards their own post to restore the coherence of the sentences........... :rolleyes: Or people trying to sabotage and break the rules on purpose! http://www.tombraiderforums.com/images/smilies/mischievous.gif -some of them really irritating and / or blunt.

I really like your version, the way you selected readables out of it Scottlee! http://www.tombraiderforums.com/images/smilies/thumb.gif

ELEN
26-05-04, 19:50
nice try = that you copied\ pasted all these replies http://www.tombraiderforums.com/images/smilies/tongue.gif

Joseph
26-05-04, 20:01
Ohhh, misunderstood, sorry. http://www.tombraiderforums.com/images/smilies/hug.gif http://www.tombraiderforums.com/images/smilies/thumb.gif

Actually it was you Elen who inspired me, where you replied to Deano that (quote:) "You know, you could make some paragraphs"...

Simulation
26-05-04, 21:40
I'm not sure whether ScottLee and Joseph should be congratulated or committed to a mental institution http://www.tombraiderforums.com/images/smilies/whistle.gif

What the hell. Keep up the good work http://www.tombraiderforums.com/images/smilies/thumb.gif

ELEN
26-05-04, 21:45
Originally posted by joseph:
"You know, you could make some paragraphs"...What I really don't like are long posts without paragraphs. I get confused while reading. That's why I said you did a great job http://www.tombraiderforums.com/images/smilies/wave.gif

boazboy
26-05-04, 22:07
Um, Elen, do you mean that when you read THIS text in paragraphs, you DON'T get confused? http://www.tombraiderforums.com/images/smilies/yikes.gif http://www.tombraiderforums.com/images/smilies/jumper.gif

Great job, guys! Always wondered what all those Three, Four etc. Word Stories would read like if one had the patience to turn them into formatted text. http://www.tombraiderforums.com/images/smilies/tongue.gif

BB http://www.tombraiderforums.com/images/smilies/wave.gif

Joseph
26-05-04, 22:11
Thanks Sim! :D http://www.tombraiderforums.com/images/smilies/clown.gif

Thankyouverymuch ELEN! :D

Joseph
26-05-04, 22:27
and http://www.tombraiderforums.com/images/smilies/wave.gif BB: keep contributing, from the most unexpected angles ! :D

swimfanc42tr
26-05-04, 22:29
http://www.tombraiderforums.com/images/smilies/yikes.gif Wow. Patience is a virtue http://www.tombraiderforums.com/images/smilies/tongue.gif

boazboy
26-05-04, 22:31
Thanks, joseph... http://www.tombraiderforums.com/images/smilies/thumb.gif With great pleasure!

These never-ending threads seem to wake up the surrealist in me. http://www.tombraiderforums.com/images/smilies/clown.gif http://www.tombraiderforums.com/images/smilies/mischievous.gif

BB http://www.tombraiderforums.com/images/smilies/wave.gif

natalie13_au
26-05-04, 23:15
Wow someone was bored.

But good stuff, I'll read it in a minute hehe :D

janny_c.
27-05-04, 05:15
I'll read it maybe.......some day! http://www.tombraiderforums.com/images/smilies/whistle.gif http://www.tombraiderforums.com/images/smilies/jumper.gif http://www.tombraiderforums.com/images/smilies/silent.gif :D

Neteru
27-05-04, 11:21
Originally posted by joseph:
Thankyouverymuch ELEN! :D hehe That's exactly what I would have written. :D