View Full Version : Need some feedback!

02-04-04, 03:52
I'm going to submit a poem for Pegasus (our annual literary publication), but I can't decide between these two.

Is the Grass Truly Greener?

Drugs, suicide, alcoholism,
Unemployment; terrorism

Look around and ask
What has happened here?
Turn on CNN and wonder,
Will we ever find peace?

Where is the silver lining?
Are the clouds too dark
And the sun greatly obscured?

Poverty, corruption, abuse.
A world full of

AIDS. War. Racism.
The world cries out.
Do we hear
Or merely walk away?

The grass is brown at the bottom
Of this steep hill.
Will it truly be greener
Once on the other side?

Obviously that's my social commentary poem. lol Here's one that appeals more towards imagery, but there is still an underlying commentary.

View from the Midnight Window

Under the harvest moon of brilliant gold,
with wind whispering through the trees
and water lightly lapping at the shore,
the night was at its brightest,
but soon that came to a swift end.

The ominous thunderheads looming up above
overtook the radiant midnight golden treasure,
and the whispering winds turned to deafening shouts.
the shore pounded mercilessly by the crashing waves,
then for but a brief moment the sky lit up
and everything seemed perfect again.
but soon the crash of thunder filled the air
As the sky

began to cry.
It started as gentle weeping
but quickly turned violent,
as the howling wind stirred
the water into frenzy.
The sky was in turmoil, rage, confusion,
as if it were a person gone mad.
Any vessel not in its safe harbor
Was ne’er seen again.

This enraged tempest went on through the night
carrying its destruction, yet leaving no trace.
as this storm is of a mysterious kind,
coming with no warning, leaving no sign.
Vanishing as quickly as it had materialized.

The winds returned to their murmured whisperings
and the waters answering in sweet reply,
the autumn scenery undisturbed through the wild storm
then, the faint melodies of a lark
wafted through the serene forest by the sea
Like the song and beauty of a harp.

The harvest moon once again
Shone down upon that kingdom by the sea.
The leaves of robust harvest-time colors
Shining, glistening from the fallen rain.
As the night drifted on,
One single crimson leaf silently fell to the ground.

And any critique-ing of the first one is greatly appreciated! ;)

02-04-04, 12:26
Are these going to be published somewhere? Publishers seldom, if ever, use texts that has already been published (in this case "posted") in a public space.
You might want to remove them so that they aren't "disqualified". It would be a shameful waste of two very good poems!


02-04-04, 20:32
It's just something that my school does. It's for the student body to buy, nothing that will be published in a book of poetry. http://www.tombraiderforums.com/images/smilies/tongue.gif

I talked with some people though, and ended up going with "View". http://www.tombraiderforums.com/images/smilies/smile.gif