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View Full Version : The Queen of Manipulation (AKA My Wicked Mother) Strikes Again!


AmericanAssassin
04-03-09, 01:25
As many of you know, I've had to deal with a horrible excuse of mother for all 18 years of my life. A woman who threatens to kick me out of the house at every turn. A woman who mentally and physically abused (assaulted now that I'm legally an adult) me on Christmas day. I'd say, over all else, the mental abuse she's provided me with has been the worst. She's even gotten others (my step-dad, brothers, aunts, and uncles) to play in her little games. She's contantly manipulating situations with her tears and lies, and getting everybody on her side. This leaves me completely alone. I have nothing that truly matters to me anymore. In the past, I even considered committing suicide. I never want to be at that point again, but I'm stuck and heading that way. I really don't know what to do... :(

EDIT: What makes the situation even worse is the fact that she's even began manipulating me. I'm constantly blaming myself for things. I've been going to therapy (without my mother's knowledge) and it's brought out a lot of events that I didn't even recall beforehand. Somehow, I always seem to defend her actions. Why? I hate myself because of it, but I can't help it. :mad:

EDIT: Here's a minor example (that occured about an hour ago) for you. We got into a very very very minor argument about money and my car. She started prancing around, talking about how wonderful she is, and how she's given me everything I could ever want. I ignore her. Doing so apparently conveys to her that I'm ungreatful for what she has given me. That sets me off, so we start to argue. Then, to get my step-dad on her side, she says, "He (me) never even said thank you for the car." Not only did she straight up lie to make me seem ungreatful, she said something that had nothing to do with the current situation. I don't know how to react to that, but it helps out her case. I'm always stuck...

EDIT: I'd like to thank everybody who actually read through this thread, and those who commented and shared advice. ;)

amiro1989
04-03-09, 01:35
OMG! Don't do this... Don't hurt yourself, please. :(
Is she your mother or your step-mother? I think the best thing to do is to try to get away from her... The best way possible. You need to get away from her claws. You need to help everyone realize that she's a "*****".

And that you guys need to get rid of her, without hurting her of course.

spikejones
04-03-09, 01:37
umm... not to sound mean or anything, I understand you are upset about the situation and want to talk about it - but... I'm not sure what you are looking for?

Lenochka
04-03-09, 01:38
Hmm, I suggest now that you are 18 you should try to find a place to go besides where she is living... maybe find a roomate and try to get an apartment and cut ties with anyone who is backing her up or falling into her lies and manipulation, atleast until they back off or realize they could very well be losing you as a close family member. I don't know what else besides that tbh since living with her seems to be the cause of the problem. (she would never be able to hang the 'kick you out!' threat above your head)

Jo269976
04-03-09, 01:39
This is the first I've heard of this, mostly due to the fact I lurked for a very long time before becoming active again.

I can't really relate to the situation but all I could really offer as some advice is to never back down, in the way that you have to keep strong and stand your ground, it could be a territorial type thing. Finding people to talk to is always useful, there will be more people in the same situation than you would think.

The most important thing, and I'll bold this to stand out is, don't blame yourself. If you know you are in the right and have done nothing wrong. Do any other members of your family feel the same, or do they see your point, remember that blood is thicker than water.

Stay strong :hug:

AmericanAssassin
04-03-09, 01:42
OMG! Don't do this... Don't hurt yourself, please. :(

I'm no longer at that point, but I'm afraid that if my life doesn't change, I might consider again some day. :(

Is she your mother or your step-mother?

She's my mother. She had me at age 17, so she's a young mother... (Not that her age matters.)

I think the best thing to do is to try to get away from her...

I have no way. I might be going into the military, but for the time being, I don't know what to do.

You need to help everyone realize that she's a "*****".

Everybody has already chosen sides it seems. It wasn't mine. :(

umm... not to sound mean or anything, I understand you are upset about the situation and want to talk about it - but... I'm not sure what you are looking for?

Comments, advice, anything... Believe me, I'm as lost as you are in this topic...

Hmm, I suggest now that you are 18 you should try to find a place to go besides where she is living... maybe find a roomate and try to get an apartment and cut ties with anyone who is backing her up or falling into her lies and manipulation, atleast until they back off or realize they could very well be losing you as a close family member. I don't know what else besides that tbh since living with her seems to be the cause of the problem. (she would never be able to hang the 'kick you out!' threat above your head)

I can try after school, but for the moment I'm stuck. I can try to stay at friends and get away from home, but all she'll do is tell everybody how horrible I am and how ungreatful I am and how I never spend any time with her. If I tell her why, she just gets mad and threatens me. I could always move up north with my dad (far from here) in the summer, when I've graduated. Maybe...

I can't really relate to the situation but all I could really offer as some advice is to never back down, in the way that you have to keep strong and stand your ground, it could be a territorial type thing. Finding people to talk to is always useful, there will be more people in the same situation than you would think.

Therapy has helped a little bit, but I still always blame myself. I can't help it. She's wired me to think that way. :(

The most important thing, and I'll bold this to stand out is, don't blame yourself. If you know you are in the right and have done nothing wrong.

I really can't help it. Somehow, my brain always manages to turn everything on me.

Do any other members of your family feel the same, or do they see your point, remember that blood is thicker than water.

I'm alone. Completely. 100%. Everybody agrees with her modified stories. Everybody calls me the liar. I'm not. I never am. :(

amiro1989
04-03-09, 01:50
Can I ask you what are the usual things that she makes, that makes her a *****? I need to get a good idea of what she is.

spikejones
04-03-09, 01:50
you are 18 at least right?
do you work?
do you have friends?
perhaps move in with them?

rather than getting the feeling that "there is nothing I can do about it" - why not look at what things you can do? The fact that you are here talking about it tells me that you don't want to go on living in that type situation - so why not seek out different arrangements for yourself? You don't have to go and spread dirt in her name by telling other people (that know her) that she is a manipulative ***** - they will see that for themselves eventually. You just need to keep your own side of the street clean and seek out a more suitable environment if the current one is not stable.

AmericanAssassin
04-03-09, 02:00
Can I ask you what are the usual things that she makes, that makes her a *****? I need to get a good idea of what she is.

I'll edit in a moment on that... ;)

you are 18 at least right? do you work? do you have friends? perhaps move in with them?

Yes, to all but the last... My friends families have their own problems. I don't want to add to it. One of my best friends, actually just moved in with her youth pastors to get away, but I'm afraid they have no more room.

rather than getting the feeling that "there is nothing I can do about it" - why not look at what things you can do?

I tend to think of the glass as half empty. Negative by nature, you could say...

You don't have to go and spread dirt in her name by telling other people (that know her) that she is a manipulative *****.

I don't ever see that happening. She has my whole family wrapped around her little finger. :(

IceColdLaraCroft
04-03-09, 02:12
Go away to college. Cut her completely out of your life and never look back.

amiro1989
04-03-09, 02:13
I don't think you should go in the army btw... Seems like you just want flee from her, not engage yourself in something you may not know too much about.

spikejones
04-03-09, 02:25
Yes, to all but the last... My friends families have their own problems. I don't want to add to it. One of my best friends, actually just moved in with her youth pastors to get away, but I'm afraid they have no more room.

so how is this for an idea... you and your friend that moved in with the youth pastor - go in together on an apartment. (S)He can cosign for you, if I am not mistaken.

I tend to think of the glass as half empty. Negative by nature, you could say...

if you always look at things that way, you will never resolve a situation.

I don't ever see that happening. She has my whole family wrapped around her little finger. :(
Hence why I said to disregard trying to do that ;)

Now... I am not trying to make it sound as though it is all your fault.. not at all. But perhaps.. perhaps.. there may be something you have done which has provoked her? Everyone will at times think that they are being treated unfairly (and this may well be the case overall here) but fail to look at what their own part in it was.

For instance:
I had a resentment at my parents for a long time for not providing for me like they do my sister. This affected: my self esteem, pride, emotional security, pocketbook, ambitions, and personal relations (with them). However, I take a deeper look at things and where I was to blame. The reason why they did this was because I was a ****head for a child. I took things for granted. I broke the rules all the time. Even though I thought the rules were unfair - I still was supposed to follow them. By law I was bound to follow their orders, regardless of how unfair they may have been. But I did not follow their rules and instead acted out in anger by breaking things, skipping school, doing drugs, and ultimately ruining their trust in me. I despised them for a long time for them having done what they did (and still continue to do) without having looked at my own part in it. I was selfish, self seeking, and inconsiderate in my behavior.

in the interest of brevity, I will simply state that this is just one thing on a long list of resentments I have held over the years. But I have put them all down on paper and found my own flaws. I have sought diligently to work on my defects of character - as well as make amends to those whom I have harmed. By doing so, I have built better relationships with those people. I try to continually do the right thing and if I am wrong, and I know it - I immediately apologize.

at any rate, if you value the love of your mother - and you love her as well - try to see where you may have offended her in some way or another. If it is not clear, talk civilly with her. See if you can arrive at some sort of agreement. Even if that agreement is that "these are the rules while you live here - and you must abide by them" after all.. it is "her house - her rules". This is something that even I at 24 years old am experiencing. I have a bed time coming up in 30 minutes - and I have to be up at 8 am and out of the house at 10 am to look for a job. This may seem unfair treatment towards an adult, but if I wish to stay in their good graces and continue to live here - I must be willing to accept whatever comes down the pike.

Nefertiti_89
04-03-09, 02:38
Sounds like our mothers should go out for lunch they would be best of friends.

My mother does the exact same thing all the time. She purposely sets me off so she can have an excuse to make me look like an ungrateful **** and a terrible child. Then theres also the times when she purposely upsets me by bringing up conversation topics she knows I dont want to talk about, and then laughs at how upset I get. This has often resulted in my throwing many objects at her, including plates, vases, tv remotes, books, my fists, a brick, and on one occasion a knife.

I deal with this now by simply ignoring her. I just walk away from her while she's talking to me, get in my car, and just drive away for a few hours, or to a friends house, because I do believe I really could kill her if I was upset enough, and my fuse is shorter than Danny Devito so its very possible. If I could move out of home I would but I simply can afford it.

I suggest that maybe you just do the same, just get out for a while, crash on a mates couch if you have to. Just dont say a word and leave. Dont give her the satisfaction of letting her know you're upset, or angry. I usually give the look of utter disappointment, shake my head, and leave.

Does it work? I dont know, but its better than fighting her when I know I cant win.

the hooliganz
04-03-09, 02:46
I suggest you just ignore her, thats why I do when either of my parents ****es me off.

I dont think joining the military is something u really want 2 do, just rent an apartment, and move out of her place, and try not to feel guilty about it.

tranniversary119
04-03-09, 02:52
I'm happy I have my parents. Although in my case my parents dont understand how hard it is to live with an actual disease which I like to call...DEPRESSION. Your mom is obviously either suffering mental issues, look for a job something are find a friend that maybe would rent an apartment with you.

silver_wolf
04-03-09, 02:55
Don't do anything to yourself. No matter how bad things seem they can and will get better. It's her problem, not yours. What you need to do is assert yourself, let someone in your life who can help know what's going on, and become independent from her :hug:

Tombcool
04-03-09, 02:56
You have to remember she is your mother.

Just think of how much she has sacrificed for you. Just think about how much pain and suffering she went through to give birth to you, and raise you.

Try to sit down with her and reason with her. Talk to her in a respectable manner, and most importantly, as a loving son. :)

Despite her being so unjust and disrespectful to you, just go up to her and ask for her forgiveness for anything you said or did wrong to her. Then sympathize with her and hug her.

I think if you do this, it is really going to show to your mother, even through out all the trouble she has caused, you still love her. Then I think she will apologize to you for disrespecting you.

Fighting with your mother will get you no where.

Ignoring your mother will get you no where. What happens if you ignore her for many years and then she passes away? I will guarantee you will feel so much guilt since you left on bad terms.

Remember: The strongest person is the one who swallows his or her anger. :):hug:

spikejones
04-03-09, 02:58
Your mom is obviously either suffering mental issues,
or?

The thought of her perhaps suffering mental issues had crossed my mind, in which case it would be futile to try and talk logic with a sick person - unless they were medicated. But to be perfectly honest, none of us here is in any position to diagnose a mental illness based simply upon a third party description of an event as view from one person's perspective. Lets not jump to conclusions without evidential support okay? I would personally be extremely ****ed off if you were to have said that about my perfectly healthy mother. :mis:

what we should be looking at instead is the person who is seeking out help - what their mental health status is, and what they can do to help resolve the issue.

by the way AA - no offense was intended to you in any way by that last statement.

AmericanAssassin
04-03-09, 03:13
Go away to college. Cut her completely out of your life and never look back.

I could never cut out my baby brothers, though. They're the two most important people in my life. I can't keep them and cut my mom out.

I don't think you should go in the army btw... Seems like you just want flee from her, not engage yourself in something you may not know too much about.

I should have explained that more. The primary reason for me considering the military is the fact that they could help me pay for schooling. I'd like to be educated in English, and have less debt. The Army (or Marines preferably) could help me with that bit. Sorry I didn't explain...

so how is this for an idea... you and your friend that moved in with the youth pastor - go in together on an apartment. (S)He can cosign for you, if I am not mistaken.

I considered it at one point, but she's heading off to college this August, so it would almost be pointless.

Now... I am not trying to make it sound as though it is all your fault.. not at all. But perhaps.. perhaps.. there may be something you have done which has provoked her? Everyone will at times think that they are being treated unfairly (and this may well be the case overall here) but fail to look at what their own part in it was.

This is an ongoing situation that has hurt me and one of my younger brothers. It wouldn't be an exaggeration to say that I've been punished because my mom was bored. She looks for little things, blows them way out of proportion, and then edits the story as she sees fit. She's the master of manipulation.

For instance:
I had a resentment at my parents for a long time for not providing for me like they do my sister. This affected: my self esteem, pride, emotional security, pocketbook, ambitions, and personal relations (with them). However, I take a deeper look at things and where I was to blame. The reason why they did this was because I was a ****head for a child. I took things for granted. I broke the rules all the time. Even though I thought the rules were unfair - I still was supposed to follow them. By law I was bound to follow their orders, regardless of how unfair they may have been. But I did not follow their rules and instead acted out in anger by breaking things, skipping school, doing drugs, and ultimately ruining their trust in me. I despised them for a long time for them having done what they did (and still continue to do) without having looked at my own part in it. I was selfish, self seeking, and inconsiderate in my behavior.

We are not in the same situation. I understand the rules, agree with them, and obey them. I've never drank, smoked, or gotten in any trouble with the law. I always go to school. I've kept a job (for 9 months now). I always put my family (especially my baby brothers) first. I'm baffled every single day by her. I do nothing wrong. She can't even prove her own point without manipulating the entire situation. At that point, I have nothing else to say, and I give up. My behavior is not the cause of anything.

in the interest of brevity, I will simply state that this is just one thing on a long list of resentments I have held over the years. But I have put them all down on paper and found my own flaws. I have sought diligently to work on my defects of character - as well as make amends to those whom I have harmed. By doing so, I have built better relationships with those people. I try to continually do the right thing and if I am wrong, and I know it - I immediately apologize.

You have no need to apologize, as I feel that all questions are welcome. I'm literally like an open book. I know that I have my flaws. My negative nature is one of them, but I've never been anything but greatful for the good things in my life. I need to work on that, I know. However, I'm afraid I may have gotten that horrible trait from my mother. That scares me to death. I don't want to be like that to my future kids. :(

at any rate, if you value the love of your mother - and you love her as well - try to see where you may have offended her in some way or another. If it is not clear, talk civilly with her. See if you can arrive at some sort of agreement. Even if that agreement is that "these are the rules while you live here - and you must abide by them" after all.. it is "her house - her rules"

I don't know where the issue is, though. I've honestly considered the possibility of her having multiple personalities or being severely bipolar.

Sounds like our mothers should go out for lunch they would be best of friends.

Hahaha! :p At least I'm not alone...

My mother does the exact same thing all the time. She purposely sets me off so she can have an excuse to make me look like an ungrateful **** and a terrible child.

Yup. To be honest, I'd rather not get anything. It's better than hearing about how "ungreatful" I am. I feel like she wants me to kiss her feet.

Then theres also the times when she purposely upsets me by bringing up conversation topics she knows I dont want to talk about, and then laughs at how upset I get.

Exactly. It appears that we're in a VERY similar situation. She'll talk about bad times and call me names, just to see my reaction. Then, she'll act as if I had no right to be angry about her. Screw that ****.

This has often resulted in my throwing many objects at her, including plates, vases, tv remotes, books, my fists, a brick, and on one occasion a knife.

I've never done this, though. :p

I deal with this now by simply ignoring her. I just walk away from her while she's talking to me, get in my car, and just drive away for a few hours, or to a friends house, because I do believe I really could kill her if I was upset enough, and my fuse is shorter than Danny Devito so its very possible. If I could move out of home I would but I simply can afford it.

Exactly. It's a horrible thing to say, but I think she has desensitized me enough that I could be violent some day. Hopefully my therapy sessions will help with that.

I suggest that maybe you just do the same, just get out for a while, crash on a mates couch if you have to. Just dont say a word and leave. Dont give her the satisfaction of letting her know you're upset, or angry. I usually give the look of utter disappointment, shake my head, and leave.

There's another dilema. I try to get out, but then she'll complain about how I'm not with her enough. Then, she'll threaten to take things away. :(

LaraLuvrrr
04-03-09, 03:20
If you're 18 then move away! Seriously dude if your mom is ruining your life and wellbeing and making you want to kill yourself then leave her and give her the finger. It may be hard but u can do it. Get a job and find a place to live. Or go to college and get a loan.

AmericanAssassin
04-03-09, 03:21
I suggest you just ignore her, thats why I do when either of my parents ****es me off.

With my family, that's way easier said than done, unfortunately...

I'm happy I have my parents. Although in my case my parents dont understand how hard it is to live with an actual disease which I like to call...DEPRESSION.

I actually told my mom that I thought I was suffering from depression once, and she laughed at me...

Don't do anything to yourself. No matter how bad things seem they can and will get better. It's her problem, not yours. What you need to do is assert yourself, let someone in your life who can help know what's going on, and become independent from her :hug:

My therapy sessions help a little. Maybe I just need to dig a little deeper.

You have to remember she is your mother.

Just think of how much she has sacrificed for you. Just think about how much pain and suffering she went through to give birth to you, and raise you.

I have never -- for a single second -- forgotten any of that.

Try to sit down with her and reason with her. Talk to her in a respectable manner, and most importantly, as a loving son. :)

Despite her being so unjust and disrespectful to you, just go up to her and ask for her forgiveness for anything you said or did wrong to her. Then sympathize with her and hug her.

I think if you do this, it is really going to show to your mother, even through out all the trouble she has caused, you still love her. Then I think she will apologize to you for disrespecting you.

My mom doesn't care what I think really. I think she just wants to hear herself speak sometimes. She wants to make life as dramatic as a tv show. She would never apologize. Not really. Once, she called the cops on me. They though she was being ridiculous and didn't take me in. She cried and apologized to me then. When they left, she said she wasn't really sorry. That she is always right and I am always wrong.

If you're 18 then move away! Seriously dude if your mom is ruining your life and wellbeing and making you want to kill yourself then leave her and give her the finger. It may be hard but u can do it. Get a job and find a place to live. Or go to college and get a loan.

I have job. A sucky job. At Walmart. Moving out is, as I've stated above, easier said than done. Maybe leaving town to live with my father would be an option... Even so, I still have three months of torture to endure. :(

On a seperate note, if I don't answer a specific question, it's because I've already answered it somewhere in this thread... ;)

spikejones
04-03-09, 03:30
well now that you have posted more in-depth information, and assuming that you are honest in your accounting - I see clearer the situation now. It was not so clear the way you originally put it and came across as the whining of yet another child who feels they have been horribly mistreated - but are simply being punished. (again, no offense). If you suspect she may be mentally ill, have you considered having a doctor see her? I know it would upset her if you were to just outright say it to her "lets go see a doctor" - but perhaps if you do some networking, you may know someone who knows someone who knows a psychiatrist that would be willing to check up on her for little or no money. Perhaps through the church your friend attends this may be possible? But - if you can put yourself above it and not let it affect you, perhaps you could just be bold about it with her. Whatever approach you think would work best. Or.. have the pastor speak with her in the even she is not sick, but simply a mean person. She may have latent issues of "never being good enough" herself as she grew up and is in turn projecting that on others around her. I can't profess to know the full workings of another person's mind, let alone even the slightest bit of a person I've not met. But it strikes me ass odd that if she were in fact mentally ill - would it not have been caught sooner? What do her own parents think of her and the way she behaves?

Whatever you do... don't give up hope on either of you. Keep your head up and stay strong.

Nefertiti_89
04-03-09, 03:31
There's another dilema. I try to get out, but then she'll complain about how I'm not with her enough. Then, she'll threaten to take things away. :(

What kind of things? Are they really worth your sanity? My mother can take all the stuff she wants, I keep most of the important things locked in a box in a locked cupboard in my also locked room or in my car, and she can try take things like internet privileges away from me but even she knows thats hopeless because I can just go to uni to use the internet.

AmericanAssassin
04-03-09, 03:39
If you suspect she may be mentally ill, have you considered having a doctor see her? I know it would upset her if you were to just outright say it to her "lets go see a doctor" - but perhaps if you do some networking, you may know someone who knows someone who knows a psychiatrist that would be willing to check up on her for little or no money. Perhaps through the church your friend attends this may be possible? But - if you can put yourself above it and not let it affect you, perhaps you could just be bold about it with her.

If only that was possible. I have no faith in her, to be honest. I know how she would react. She would probably attack me in some way. She physically attacked me (along with my step-dad) on Christmas day (2008). She then came up with a story to tell the police if I reported her. I had bruises on my face, but that wouldn't be enough against her, my step-dad, and my brothers, who she manipulated into her side.

But it strikes me ass odd that if she were in fact mentally ill - would it not have been caught sooner? What do her own parents think of her and the way she behaves?

I don't know about the mental illness. Like I said, I've considered it. However, I think I may have figured some things out. She got pregnant with me at age 16 and gave birth to me pre-maturely (33 days) at 17. She graduated high school, but never attended college. She had a tough life for years. I think that maybe she blames me in a way. I know deep down that it's not my fault. After all, it was her that got knocked up. But she always says she regrets her past. I think she wishes I was never born. Maybe she blames me for the fact that she never got to live the life she wanted... :(

What kind of things? Are they really worth your sanity? My mother can take all the stuff she wants, I keep most of the important things locked in a box in a locked cupboard in my also locked room or in my car, and she can try take things like internet privileges away from me but even she knows thats hopeless because I can just go to uni to use the internet.

She threatens to take away things that I've bought myself. If she takes my tv or something else she bought, that's fine-ish. When she tries to take something (like my DVDs -- about 220 of them) I will freak. They're everything to me. Movies are my escape away from reality. Not just a possession... She'll do it for NO reason. It's not like she should have the right to do so because it's her house. When I've done nothing wrong, I should NOT be punished...

Nefertiti_89
04-03-09, 03:46
She threatens to take away things that I've bought myself. If she takes my tv or something else she bought, that's fine-ish. When she tries to take something (like my DVDs -- about 220 of them) I will freak. They're everything to me. Movies are my escape away from reality. Not just a possession...

I see, do you have anywhere else safe you could keep them?

I don't know about the mental illness. Like I said, I've considered it. However, I think I may have figured some things out. She got pregnant with me at age 16 and gave birth to me pre-maturely (33 days) at 17. She graduated high school, but never attended college. She had a tough life for years. I think that maybe she blames me in a way. I know deep down that it's not my fault. After all, it was her that got knocked up. But she always says she regrets her past. I think she wishes I was never born. Maybe she blames me for the fact that she never got to live the life she wanted...

Unfortunately I think that could be plausible :( Resentment can be a very powerful, destructive thing. Like you said though its not your fault.

tranniversary119
04-03-09, 03:51
She threatens to take away things that I've bought myself. If she takes my tv or something else she bought, that's fine-ish. When she tries to take something (like my DVDs -- about 220 of them) I will freak. They're everything to me. Movies are my escape away from reality. Not just a possession... She'll do it for NO reason. It's not like she should have the right to do so because it's her house. When I've done nothing wrong, I should NOT be punished...
Sounds like my dad :whi: has an obsession with taking things from me constatly. God forbid you made a mistake..

spikejones
04-03-09, 04:03
If only that was possible. I have no faith in her, to be honest. I know how she would react. She would probably attack me in some way. She physically attacked me (along with my step-dad) on Christmas day (2008). She then came up with a story to tell the police if I reported her. I had bruises on my face, but that wouldn't be enough against her, my step-dad, and my brothers, who she manipulated into her side.

What about your father, the other one that was attacked? He would have your side no doubt right? Perhaps your father has seen this in her and that is the reason he broke up with her in the first place? I dunno....

I don't know about the mental illness. Like I said, I've considered it. However, I think I may have figured some things out. She got pregnant with me at age 16 and gave birth to me pre-maturely (33 days) at 17. She graduated high school, but never attended college. She had a tough life for years. I think that maybe she blames me in a way. I know deep down that it's not my fault. After all, it was her that got knocked up. But she always says she regrets her past. I think she wishes I was never born. Maybe she blames me for the fact that she never got to live the life she wanted... :(

This is a terrible thing if true. But it still points to a fundamental flaw in her thinking. My own mother got pregnant at about 18 with my oldest sister - and did not behave in this manner, despite having experienced many of the same things you have described yourself. But enough of that. The mechanism in unfortunate, but the flaw is still there.

It seems to me you have a fear of the unknown, or rather a fear of a perceived outcome of events. You must be determined to find a working solution. There is always something that can be done - you just have to take action and not let the fear of uncertain doom hold you back. With that being said, I present this thought for you:

you can:
A) move out of the house and live with a friend or your Dad - put the hostile environment behind you and begin life anew.
B) seek to help the person you love with their own issues, and heal the home in which you live.

scenario A is sometimes the best if the environment is overly hostile - other times it is merely an act of selfishness, whereas scenario B takes the emphasis off of yourself and places another before you.

It goes without saying that any type of dysfunction of any one member in a family or other group will inevitably affect the entire group. It may be alcoholism or drug addiction or bipolar disease. whatever it is - it is a family disease. everyone must go through a healing process, but if the root cause is not healed - it may be best to remove it (or oneself) from the group, in order for healing to come to fruition.

I know that deep down in your heart of hearts that you love your mother - and when you love someone you want to see the best for them, do you not? Even though at times it may seem like you hate someone, you love them still the same. It is not possible to hate without love, because to hate someone or the way that they treat you - means that you hold them in high regards and care very much for them.... you love them.

with all of that said... you have some thinking to do, a decision to make, and action to take.

amiro1989
04-03-09, 05:04
Wow, the more I read your replies the more I think she should go to an asylum. She's one crazy woman.

Goose
04-03-09, 07:29
I should have explained that more. The primary reason for me considering the military is the fact that they could help me pay for schooling. I'd like to be educated in English, and have less debt. The Army (or Marines preferably) could help me with that bit. Sorry I didn't explain...


To be honest, if you join a combat arm your life will be so different from what it is now, education will be far from on your mind, so joining the 'few the proud' (even though theres 130,000 of them) isnt a good move for education. But the military is a great idea, puts things into perspective, like domestic arguments wont effect you that much, as they have no bearing on your basic needs and comfort, you'll get them every other day in barrack accommodation anyway, then 5 minutes later your fast asleep in the next bed to the guy you were having the heated argument with.

Join pretty much any trade in the Air force or Navy, and you'll be payed to do a job that qualifies you for being a civilian later, same with traded jobs in the Army. Then with those qualifications you can leave and get more in college. Infantry, Armored Corp, Artillery wont give you much, and its certainly an educated choice that would lead you to those jobs, unlike the 'Iraq veterans against the war' try to make you believe.

Lara Croft!
04-03-09, 11:11
Sounds like your mum is one of those crazy people that are so crazy, that say everything to manipulate others, and even though you wonder how others believe them, they achieve their goals.

Therapy is a good solution and what you should do since you are now an adult and have your own car, is to work twice as hard to make money and get the hell away from your mother.

When that good day comes and you're gone from the house, I believe you should confront her and tell her all about your feelings towards her during those horrible years. If you don't she'll become a skeleton in your closet you shouldn't leave inside.

Not all people are fit to be parents and I imagine that it's very unlucky to be parented by one, but you are only given one life. Even if your childhood didn't go as you would wish, you still got many years ahead of you and you should live them in a good way with people that love you.

Good luck!

Nausinous
04-03-09, 11:36
I haven't read much of the thread aside from your post and I can honestly say that I know exactly what your going through. I'm 19 and have the same problem, fortunately I managed to move out into my boyfriends apartment. What I strongly suggest is finding out about alternate accommodation, if your 18 then getting a job and renting a place of your own or shared would be ideal. If that won't work you need to contact youth assistance in your area and ask them if they know of any places you can stay in return for something like volunteer work. If those two options conflict with school then unfortunately you need to stay at home. School is incredibly important, if you can get good grades, you can get a good life away from your mother, it may be hard to study with her in your life but remember she's simply angry at you because your young and have your whole live to live. I reckon she probably wants to destroy that for you because she had her youth taken away from her when she became pregnant.

Lavinder
04-03-09, 11:43
My mother is nearly exactly the same, and she does not have a job so she is constantly in the house - my only suggestion would be to move out, which is what I'm going to do as soon as I finish college. She will miss you, and give you much more respect when you visit her. I spend weeks up Jamie's and when I come back she is nice to me for a few days, then the comments start.

Although the last time I came home from Jamie's she started up again straight away by saying that I was starting to look like a potato, whereas most of Jamie's family tell me I'm skinny. I put this down to sheer jealously because Jamie had bought me quite a lot for valentines, and some things from his trip to New York.

mizuno_suisei
04-03-09, 12:49
Hmm, we are in a similar situation. But, its not a case of my mum ****ing me off, its more of her constantly dissapointing me. She's been an addict for as long as I can remember, its always "Im going to rehab", "Im leaving rehab, im hanging for a cone". Constant dissapointment. I even have reason to believe she broke into our neighbours house on the weekend and stole $2000 in notes, and $1000 worth of goods. Its not just a case of Oh,its my mum, ofcourse she did it. I seriously have ligitimate reason to think she did it because she rang that morning asking for money to get a 'hit' , We declined, then we went out shopping during the day. We get back, our gate was open (We had closed it before we left) and next thing, our neighbour comes down and tells me what happened. I know I shouldnt really jump to a conclusion, but it makes so much sence.

da tomb raider!
04-03-09, 13:33
If you ask me, your mother is an absolute creep. Doesn't sound like she knows how to treat anyone, let alone her own child. I think the best thing to do is to move out as soon as possible. That way, you won't have to deal with her as much, you'll be keeping all of your stuff at your place so she can't take it away, plus if you give it time, she might start to miss you, and start respecting you some more. And even if you move out, I don't see why you can't see your brothers. You could visit them, or, even better, perhaps bring them to your place, hence avoiding your mother.

Since that's easier said than done, as you've pointed out yourself, perhaps you could try ignoring her in the meantime, whenever she's nasty towards you. If she's nice, act like you normally would. If, on the other hand, she starts saying that you're ungrateful or some crap like that, ignore her. I imagine it must be very hard and annoying, listening to her meaningless complaints and not confronting her, but it's probably better than getting into another argument with her, and replying isn't going to do any good, either. Remember that whatever she claims, it's not true and she's just making it up. If she thinks you're ungrateful then let her. You know you aren't and that's what matters.

If she takes your things away sometimes, is it possible for you to lock your room, so she can't get in? If not, maybe you could store your most important things at a friends' place? Try that and see if it works.

Remember to take it easy. Things might be rough during your childhood, but hang in there for a little longer and you'll be able to say goodbye to your mother for good. You've the rest of your life ahead of you.

violentblossom
04-03-09, 13:37
Why do you still allow her to be a part of your life?

If she's treating you this way and neither feels remorseful nor responsible for the way that you feels towards her, then i'm sorry, but maybe cutting her out of your life is what you really need.

The fact that she gave birth to you can only go so far. It is apparent that you are her scapegoat, and so by no means is your relationship with her healthy.

Remove yourself from this situation soon, please. One day, maybe, you and she can talk things out and get past all the resentment and betrayals, but it doesn't seem evident at all right now that she's going to eiether change soon or recognize her behaviour towards you as harmful.

Don't feel like this is your fault, eiether. This is not the first instance where i've seen this happen.. my mother was like this to me for a long time.. only until i got older and out on my own did the situation remedy itself, and only because i stayed away from her for a while. My mom still doesn't admit that she was so unkind to me, but now she's my best friend, so i'm grateful that things worked out how they did later on.

Don't expect an apology, but sometimes actions speak louder than words, so if you find that she's actually tring to make amends, then you should definately give her the due credit, as that can be a difficult thing to do.

Mr.Bouncer
04-03-09, 14:00
Well this is not a good thing to hear ... but have you ever tried making more like a dinner invitation where she and all your relatives are there n start talking about the problems or you just talk to them alone or with her alone ... why don't you see a psychiatrist too ? i don't mean humiliation to u nor her but such doctor can help alot at least with advices ... and btw ... can u afford living in ur own apartment ? or College-Residency ? but in spite of errythin' she's ur mother after all ... and ur toleration for her actions is good deeds for u ...

ShadyCroft
04-03-09, 14:47
Well, she is your mother after all, so you shouldn't hate her. Don't commit suicide either, don't even consider it for a second...a split second anyway.
It's not right for you. I've seen your posts around here and you sound like a nice person and it's not for you.

I know I said you shouldn't hate her, but she sounds abusive and this thing cannot go on forever. It's hurting you.
Now that you're 18, I think a good solution would be to find a place of your own and start there. Try to get yourself together, as intimidating and frightening being independent might seem, and stand up straight and take charge of your life.
Try to get help from close friends. Let them help you for a while until you manage to stand on your own feet.

The best of luck for you.

Assassino
04-03-09, 15:14
Can you afford to move out???

Trinity34
05-03-09, 02:40
Its a simple solution.... talk to your father about it and ask him to help you move out, and get out asap... no matter what it takes.

Benguitar
05-03-09, 02:45
Go away to college. Cut her completely out of your life and never look back.

Exactly what I suggest and I will be doing that in my life as well. :whi:

Tony9595
05-03-09, 05:07
sometimes Iīve felt like that, not precisely with my mother, but I know the feeling...

you should know that everybody has a different life, so donīt let anyone (not even your mother) change your own life, if someone gives you an advice, take it if it changes your life for something good...

but if itīs something that upsets you, or only will make the things worse, ignore it, and as many other users have said, try to get away from the one that is hurting you.

Itīs a sad truth that sometimes the person that you most love is the one that doesnīt even care about you, so if thatīs the case, thereīs no reason for you to be there, I donīt know at detail how is your situation at this moment, so I canīt tell you to try to get out of your house immediately, but I can suggest you to find some other things that keep your mind distracted, and not fall on the toughts of that you have made something wrong or that you motherīs problems are your fault, NEVER THINK ABOUT IT!

and about commiting suicide, please no :(, remember, youīll only live once, and you shouldnīt sacrifice the only chance you have to enjoy your life because of someone else, think about the people that appreciate you, in this case I suppose that you have friends that will be with you no matter what :hug:

Youīre something valious on this world, keep this in mind.