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janny_c.
01-10-04, 07:28
-Mature Audiences please-

The Smiths had no children, since Mr. Smith couldn't get it up, so they decided to use a proxy father to start their family.

On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife and said, "I'm off. The man should be here soon. Good luck!"

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer rang the doorbell, hoping to make a sale.

"Good morning madam. You don't know me, but I've come to...."

"Oh, no need to explain. I've been expecting you," Mrs. Smith cut in.

"Really?" the photographer asked. "Well, good! I've made a specialty of babies."

"That's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat.

Just where do we start?" asked Mrs. Smith, blushing.

"Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch and perhaps a couple on the bed. Sometimes the living room floor is fun too; you can really spread out."

"Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work for Harry and me."

"Well, madam, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results."

"I hope we can get this over with quickly," gasped Mrs. Smith.

"Madam, in my line of work, a man must take his time. I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but you'd be disappointed with that, I'm sure."

"Don't I know!!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed.

The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures.

"This was done on the top of a bus in downtown London."

"Oh my God!!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed, tugging at her handkerchief.

"And these twins turned out exceptionally well when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with." The photographer handed Mrs. Smith the picture.

"She was difficult?" asked Mrs. Smith.

"Yes, I'm afraid so I finally had to take her to Central Park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep, pushing to get a good look."

"Four and five deep?" asked Mrs. Smith, eyes widened in amazement.

"Yes," the photographer said. "And for more than three hours too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling. I could hardly concentrate.

Then darkness approached and I began to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment I just packed it all in."

Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "You mean they actually chewed on your, er..,um.., ah.... equipment?"

"That's right. Well madam, if you're ready, I'll set up my tripod so that we can get to work."

"Tripod??" Mrs. Smith looked extremely worried now.

"Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big for me to hold while I'm getting ready for action. Madam? Madam? Good Lord, she's fainted!"
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kangaxx
01-10-04, 09:57
Hihihihi....Hilarious!! http://www.tombraiderforums.com/images/smilies/jumper.gif http://www.tombraiderforums.com/images/smilies/jumper.gif http://www.tombraiderforums.com/images/smilies/clown.gif http://www.tombraiderforums.com/images/smilies/thumb.gif

LARAMANIAC
01-10-04, 15:02
Love it!!! http://www.tombraiderforums.com/images/smilies/thumb.gif http://www.tombraiderforums.com/images/smilies/clown.gif

one of mine to add to the fun :-

A couple was going out for the evening. They'd gotten ready, all dolled up, dog put out, etc. The taxi arrives, and as the couple start out, the dog shoots back in the house. They don't want the dog shut in the house, so the wife goes out to the taxi while the husband goes upstairs to chase the dog out.

The wife, not wanting it known that the house will be empty explains to the taxi driver: "My husband is just going upstairs to say good-bye to my mother." A few minutes later, the husband gets into the cab. "Sorry I took so long" he says. "Stupid cow was hiding under the bed and I had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out! Then I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching and biting me as I hauled her ass downstairs and tossed her in the back yard! She better not sh*t in the vegetable garden again!"

;)

TheEveningStar
01-10-04, 15:11
Love it janny_c. http://www.tombraiderforums.com/images/smilies/jumper.gif , yours is a good one too LARAMANIAC... http://www.tombraiderforums.com/images/smilies/wave.gif

Suzan
01-10-04, 15:52
LMAO!!! http://www.tombraiderforums.com/images/smilies/jumper.gif http://www.tombraiderforums.com/images/smilies/clown.gif http://www.tombraiderforums.com/images/smilies/silent.gif

Draco
01-10-04, 16:43
Hehe http://www.tombraiderforums.com/images/smilies/smile.gif

Duchezz_06289_4976
01-10-04, 16:43
HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! That was classic, oh man, I would put both on my xanga except I don't think they are very PG. Great though, they are hilarious! http://www.tombraiderforums.com/images/smilies/jumper.gif http://www.tombraiderforums.com/images/smilies/jumper.gif http://www.tombraiderforums.com/images/smilies/silent.gif

larasfrend
01-10-04, 17:46
LMBFAO! More!!!!This is hilarious! :D

IvAngelOfDarknessvI
01-10-04, 20:52
hehe I have one..
This is R rated I would say..

Cinderella is getting ready for the ball. Her step mom and sisters already left, so it was her and her fairy godmother.
"Cinderella, you must be home by 11:00 PM on the dot, or your V*GI*A will turn into a pumpkin!"
"I know I know." She replied, knowing fully well what would happen if she was late. So, she leaves, extremely excited. It comes to 11:00..She's not back. 12:00 She's still not back. Finally, it is 3:00 AM and she walks in, quite happy. Her fairy godmother is furious.
"Cinderella..Where in God's name WERE YOU?" Cinderella giggles...
"Ah. I met a really nice guy! His name is Peter Peter Pumpkin eater!"

[ 01. October 2004, 21:58: Message edited by: IvAngelOfDarknessvI ]

IvAngelOfDarknessvI
01-10-04, 20:54
lol and this small one..I dunno I found it humorous....

Q: Why did Dairy queen get pregnant?
A: Because Burger King Forgot to wrap his whopper.

kangaxx
01-10-04, 20:57
Hehehhe...Good ones :D

LARAMANIAC
01-10-04, 21:25
http://www.tombraiderforums.com/images/smilies/jumper.gif LMAO IvyAngelofDarknessv1 the Cinderella joke is excellent!!! http://www.tombraiderforums.com/images/smilies/thumb.gif http://www.tombraiderforums.com/images/smilies/whistle.gif

janny_c.
02-10-04, 02:30
LMAO! Luv the taxi one. Reminds me of a personal experience http://www.tombraiderforums.com/images/smilies/whistle.gif http://www.tombraiderforums.com/images/smilies/clown.gif http://www.tombraiderforums.com/images/smilies/jumper.gif http://www.tombraiderforums.com/images/smilies/jumper.gif

LARAMANIAC
02-10-04, 21:39
A traditional mother-in-law joke this time :-

THE PASSION

A man goes to see Mel Gibson's movie, "The Passion", and is inspired to take his family to Israel to see the places where Jesus lived and died. While on vacation his mother-in-law dies. An undertaker in Tel-Aviv explains that they can ship the body home to Wisconsin at a cost of $10,000, or the mother-in-law could be buried in Israel for US $500. The man says, "We'll ship her home." The undertaker asks, "Are you sure? That's an awfully big expense and we can do a very nice burial here." The man says, "Look, 2000 years ago they buried a guy here and three days later he rose from the dead. I just can't take that chance......

http://www.tombraiderforums.com/images/smilies/jumper.gif http://www.tombraiderforums.com/images/smilies/whistle.gif http://www.tombraiderforums.com/images/smilies/jumper.gif

[ 02. October 2004, 23:26: Message edited by: LARAMANIAC ]

Lonely Istari
02-10-04, 22:36
hehehehe hahahahhah hohohohoho

whew! *wipes tear*

Those jokes are hilarious! I love that mother in-law one LARAMANIAC!!
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Thorn
02-10-04, 23:41
"and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results."

http://www.tombraiderforums.com/images/smilies/yikes.gif http://www.tombraiderforums.com/images/smilies/yikes.gif LMAO!