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AODdigger
20-09-09, 07:47
I found out what Dam. Rice's very very commercial song meant when I was finally ready to understand it. And since I have nobody to share this with at this time, I decided to get over myself and post it on a forum. This is a personal thread about myself so if you don't want to read any further, then don't.

I went to this city Plovdiv in Bulgaria to listen a very commercial rock/garage band and go on tour with them since I thought me and the vocalist had something... simply because we made out everytime they had a concert here... thus my confusion that he was actually interested, but screw that - I quit the tour after the first night and went to the country's capital - Sofia where a very PERFECT man was waiting for me. The plan was to call him before I decided to come to the city but I had lost his number and both my phones' batteries (: Very fun, so there I was, waiting at the bus station for 6 and a half hours before I could reach him, after which I waited another 4 in the Metro Station for him to come. I hadn't seen him in about three months so it was like falling for him all over again. .I felt I had some very miserable chance so I decided to play stupid and not hold the feelings inside... So when he came home from work (he'd given me the key to his place and directed me) I'd showered and I felt ready to have a good night... So then he goes all nice and I freak out. The guy cooked -.- Then we smoked very sweet cigars... we practically had 20 chances to kiss each other- like I had when we first met on an open-air party... we like sat around that fire for hours and warmed each other up.

So what happens? Yeah, I say "Wanna watch "The Way We Were"?" And he's all "sure.." and the moment I'd been waiting for my whole day just slipped under my pillow, litterally. I fell asleep as I hadn't done so in 48 hours and he watched it alone anyway. If I hadn't he would still have found out why I wanted to watch it with him, not that he didn't from the very start of my mail to him, saying I'm coming to town, but hey!

That's the one thing that may have caused my sudden invisibility the day after (yesterday). And I was planning to go to Haskovo for the last gig so that the ****-of-a-vocalist, Viktor didn't get away with embarrassing me publicly. Yeah after I missed my trains and busses and found out my wallet was missing, Martin (the very sweet very perfect guy I'm madly into...) goes out saying "well, you know our plan for the three of us (I don't know who the thrid party was) to go to a club? Well, yeah.. um I already told him we'd be just the two of us", which knocks me out of my feet and in a total silent treatment for the next hours. We didn't talk on the long way home neither when we got there. I just lay there, waiting for him to just GO so I can cry to Hell. Yes, I did so and I hadn't cried that much since .. oh my, I just remembered that around this date in 2007 I broke up with the first love of my life. Damnit, so yeah - I cried for an hour and a half on the phone to my best friend and in the end we all got very drunk (my best friend and our other friends at her place in Ruse and I in Martin's apartment.)
My best guess to why I hadn't cried in over a year at all and like this on over two? PEOPLE, never hold up your emotions for anything. Dance it out, box, tell the truth, smile, be angry just don't hold it in. You always break eventually..


Oh that's not all, please - he said right before he left:
I'm going to come home 'round 6 or 7 AM, I may not be alone *shrugs*

Which couldn't mean more to me as I was already holding in an ocean... So...I fell asleep .. around 3 I think, yeah, I woke up around 6 it was dark in the room, he'd obviously come home. I heard dreadful head-to-bedboard action so my heart started racing and I don't know how I fell asleep again.


So now there's only one pair of shoes in the hall but I'm not so sure it's just one pair of confused and angry people in the apartment.

Yeah, I probably simply needed to vent, but please do give me advice - do I tell him how I feel or do I chicken out and leave cause I've packed my bags.

Oh and P. S. - Damien Rice meant that it's so hard to make a decission in a realationship so complicated that you want to shoot yourself, or the other but cannot pull the trigger. You can never take the band-aid off without anestesia...

sheepydee
20-09-09, 08:20
:S what do you mean Advice?? i dont get what you mean, sorry :o

AODdigger
20-09-09, 08:28
I mean should I cowerd off , going back home or to this other friend to whome I haven't any feelings or should I face him when he/they wake up and tell him what's up. Either way if I pretend yesterday I didn't take the major IGNORE system so strongly, we'll PROBABLY be watching a movie and having dinner just the two of us tonight and I could make my move but I'm afraid I'll chicken out again... -.-

sheepydee
20-09-09, 08:33
I mean should I cowerd off , going back home or to this other friend to whome I haven't any feelings or should I face him when he/they wake up and tell him what's up. Either way if I pretend yesterday I didn't take the major IGNORE system so strongly, we'll PROBABLY be watching a movie and having dinner just the two of us tonight and I could make my move but I'm afraid I'll chicken out again... -.-
Oh right i seeee... well...theres not much that we can do i dont think :S but... Maybe....you should go and face him...and yes just tell him whats up.. just dont be affraid ;) ano thats easier said than done , but try :) if you can

AODdigger
20-09-09, 08:37
Chyah, very easy to be said but I will do it eventually cause he's only in the country for a year more and I can't let this go, I've had a major thing for him since the BSR Industrial party on the twentieth of june this year... and I sure know I'll be listening to a lot of Duran Duran till he wakes up...

I also have this pathetic theory of him not wanting me right now because he doesn't want me to be just a rebound guy.

sheepydee
20-09-09, 08:40
Chyah, very easy to said but I will do it eventually cause he's only in the country for a year more and I can't let this go, I've had a major thing for him since the BSR Industrial party on the twentieth of june this year... and I sure know I'll be listening to a lot of Duran Duran till he wakes up...

I also have this pathetic theory of him not wanting me right now because he doesn't want me to be just a rebound guy.
well if he's only here for another year , get to it! :) i know how you feel about the whole "him not wanting me" its dreadful i know but you can overcome it :):) i bid you good luck ;)

AODdigger
20-09-09, 08:51
Thanks I needed a neutral point of view. There are other problems attatched to it but I wouldn't care because I'd have him. And if we just stay friends I'm happy and proud to have such a great friend by my side

PS He did want me at a certain time I think, I just don't know if it was my venting all night about Viktor or the fact that I'm a messy slob and he's perfect or the rebound thing, but I feel ready to be with him, I'd change. And with my ego - that's a lot to say.

sheepydee
20-09-09, 08:58
Thanks I needed a neutral point of view. There are other problems attatched to it but I wouldn't care because I'd have him. And if we just stay friends I'm happy and proud to have such a great friend by my side

PS He did want me at a certain time I think, I just don't know if it was my venting all night about Viktor or the fact that I'm a messy slob and he's perfect or the rebound thing, but I feel ready to be with him, I'd change. And with my ego - that's a lot to say.
Well.... its not worth changing everything if you feel your ready to be with him.. because.. what if it doesnt work out :( then you'll be left feeling even worse than before.. perhaps work out a stratagey first hm?:)

AODdigger
20-09-09, 08:59
Yeah, a good plan but since all my friends are like two hundred miles from here it isn't very easy.

sheepydee
20-09-09, 09:00
Yeah, a good plan but since all my friends are like two hundred miles from here it isn't very easy.
Is there no other way you can contact your friends??

AODdigger
20-09-09, 09:03
Yeah I can but I'll handle it just a little nag :p I'm like that. Thanks for the support, man :) Appreciated. Very much. You can add me on MySpace or Facebook if you want I don't usually do that with members of this forum but you kinda earned it :hug: :o :p :wve:

PS: Thread can be closed 24 hours from now if it doesn't get any attention :wve:

sheepydee
20-09-09, 09:06
Yeah I can but I'll handle it just a little nag :p I'm like that. Thanks for the support, man :) Appreciated. Very much. You can add me on MySpace or Facebook if you want I don't usually do that with members of this forum but you kinda earned it :hug: :o :p :wve:

PS: Thread can be closed 24 hours from now if it doesn't get any attention :wve:
Its alright ;) , Sorry :( i dont have facebook or anyfin , ive only got Msn, but feel free to add me there if you wish ;)

AODdigger
20-09-09, 09:13
I don't get on there much but I will sometime ;) Thanks one more time... It's stupid, I know, I hadn't asked for help on a forum for three years.. But I'm so freaked out right now and I get hyperventilation every once in a while.. I simply needed an opinion to my situation come with

sheepydee
20-09-09, 09:14
I don't get on there much but I will sometime ;) Thanks one more time... It's stupid, I know, I hadn't asked for help on a forum for three years.. But I'm so freaked out right now and I get hyperventilation every once in a while.. I simply needed an opinion to my situation come with
Its ok :) we all have our days when we need some kind of help , dont worry about it :hug:

AODdigger
21-09-09, 09:27
I told him. He didn't feel a thing it seems, but I really feel relief. And I told him I'd left an alternative letter for him to read once I'm gone. I hope he at least understands how important it is for me to stay friends because he's... simply amazing in every freaking aspect. So yeah, thanks for the support, I really feel relieved. I'm just waiting for him to get up now so I can catch my train in time :vlol:

No more trips to Grafton Str., no more going there no more sitting up all night waiting for any word.

PS: What's that saying? Why do I keep hitting myself with a hammer? Because it feels soooo good when I stop. It's time I stopped and really REALLY start living in reality again. This vacation exhausted me. And my dignity

Mokono
21-09-09, 09:35
do I tell him how I feel or do I chicken out and leave cause I've packed my bags.

If you already packed, then telling him how you feel won't make you lose anything... My advice is: Be completely honest to whoever you need to and specially yourself.

AODdigger
21-09-09, 10:08
That's the thing. I was tired of lying to myself with flings and stupid vocalists.... I've been looking for something real for a lot of time and when I'm so close to it... it's unattainable. That's also why I'm so sure that it's so real. But Now to BE real - it's not only unattainable, it's impossible in every alternative universe possible.

And I really value him.. and I will continue to, provided he doesn't cheat on our agreement - not to talk about it ever EVER again