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DragonSlayer
15-05-10, 21:13
Did a search and couldn't find one, if one exists already please provide a link so this topic can be closed

I did find an old joke thread but couldn't fine a new one
http://www.tombraiderforums.com/showthread.php?t=160225&highlight=jokes

Dead Gran Walking:

A boss calls one of employees into his office .

Do you believe in life after death? the boss asks.

Yes sir replies the worker a bit confused.

Good the boss goes on because after you left early yesterday to go to her funeral, she stopped in to see you.

A funeral service is being held for a woman who's just passed away. as the pallbearers carry the casket out of the church they bump into a wall.

At this point, they hear a faint moan coming from inside the casket. They open it and find that the woman is still alive! She goes on to live for 15 more years, then dies again.

Another funeral is arranged, this time as the pallbearers lift up the coffin to carry it out, the woman's husband yells in fear, watch that wall.

Is it too early for jokes about the volcano in iceland or should we wait for the dust to settle first? :p

knightgames
15-05-10, 23:23
Excerpts from a Dog's Diary.....

8:00 am - Dog food! My favorite thing!
9:30 am - A car ride! My favorite thing!
9:40 am - A walk in the park! My favorite thing!
10:30 am - Got rubbed and petted! My favorite thing!
12:00 pm - Lunch! My favorite thing!
1:00 pm - Played in the yard! My favorite thing!
3:00 pm - Wagged my tail! My favorite thing!
5:00 pm - Milk Bones! My favorite thing!
7:00 pm - Got to play ball! My favorite thing!
8:00 pm - Wow! Watched TV with the people! My favorite thing!
11:00 pm - Sleeping on the bed! My favorite thing!


Excerpts from a Cat's Daily Diary...

Day 983 of my captivity...

My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects.
They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets.

Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up my strength.

The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape. In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on the carpet.

Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet. I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates what I am capable of.
However, they merely made condescending comments about what a 'good little hunter' I am. Those idiots.

There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event.
However, I could hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard that my confinement was due to the power of 'allergies.'
I must learn what this means and how to use it to my advantage.

Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking.
I must try this again tomorrow -- but at the top of the stairs.

I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches. The dog receives special privileges.
He is regularly released - and seems to be more than willing to return. He is obviously retarded.

The bird has got to be an informant. I observe him communicating with the guards regularly. I am certain that he reports my every move.
My captors have arranged protective custody for him in an elevated cell, so he is safe. For now...............

DgoOdz94
15-05-10, 23:33
NMR37Uz5FOE
(there is some explicit content in here so just be careful....)

:whi:

WCookie
15-05-10, 23:50
NMR37Uz5FOE
(there is some explicit content in here so just be careful....)

:whi:

LMFAO at the bull**** one :vlol:

xcrushterx
16-05-10, 00:25
A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

This made me giggle.

Lara_Fan_33
16-05-10, 02:51
NMR37Uz5FOE
(there is some explicit content in here so just be careful....)

:whi:

:vlol: :vlol:

PoseidonsDeath
16-05-10, 03:29
lol. The dog / cat diaries one was hilarious. The first one needs punctuation. Very confusing...

Quasimodo
16-05-10, 03:43
Here's a few captions I made for a contest on Eidos forums:

http://i42.************/8wmu8i.gif

http://i40.************/2ecnotk.jpg

http://i42.************/16ieao3.jpg

Lara_Fan_33
16-05-10, 05:38
^ lol
:vlol: i love this video :D
18LZD6D0Bf8

TombOfRaiders
16-05-10, 09:41
PF6HI7TvzQU

Liara
16-05-10, 11:08
Who's up for a nerdy joke?

Q: What did Zelda say to Link when he couldn't open the door?
A: Triforce!

A dyslexic man walks into a bra.
This is just brilliant! :vlol:

TombOfRaiders
18-05-10, 19:23
Keyboard not found. Press F1 to continue.

Lara Fan 4Life
18-05-10, 19:33
^ Ewww!!! :/

Capt. Murphy
18-05-10, 20:37
Here's a few captions I made for a contest on Eidos forums:
http://i40.************/2ecnotk.jpg


I don't get this one. :confused:

A dyslexic man walks into a bra.


That reminded me of this...

A dyslexic atheist doesn't believe in Dog. :pi:

DragonSlayer
26-06-10, 21:02
Saw this comic strip in a newspaper it was about a guy whose will is being read to his family.

And i Leonard Sturvetti being of sound mind and staunch believer in reincarnation leave everything to myself.

One of my favourites the mother-in-law jokes.

Since my dear old mother-in-law went senile, all she does is stare through the window, bless her maybe one day, if it gets really cold i'll let her in.

A football themed joke

A burglary was recently committed at manchester city's home ground and the entire contents of the trophy room were stolen police are looking for a man with a pale blue carpet.

And the best video game joke ever.

Pyramid head walks into a bar the barman says why the long face?, there were no survivors

Johnnay
26-06-10, 22:03
PF6HI7TvzQU

What is your name

Errrrr what

:vlol:

Gladous
26-06-10, 22:05
So then, the duck says,"Why don't you put it on... my bill?" AHAHAHA! :vlol:

Lara Fan 4Life
26-06-10, 22:19
^ Yeah, that was a ... real quacker! :tmb:

Knock, knock
Who's there?
Boo...
Boo who?
Boo hoo, why are you crying?
BECAUSE I HATE YOU, YOU ANNOYING, UNFUNNY, BETCH!!!

:D

DragonSlayer
26-07-10, 09:57
1
Since my dear old mother-in-law went senile, all she does is stare through the window, bless her maybe one day if it gets really cold I’ll let her in.

2
My girlfriend said she wanted a Brazilian “downstairs”. KaKa is now sleeping on the couch.

3
An 80-year-old is given a jar to provide to provide a sperm sample, but turns up to the clinic two days later empty handed.

Why’s there no sample? The nurse asks.

Sorry he says I tried my right and left hand. Then my wife tried with both hands and her mouth – with and without her teeth in.

We even got Betty from next door to try but it was no good, no matter what we did we just couldn’t get the jar open.

4
I got in a fight with my wife last night. She asked me what was on the TV I said: dust.

5
A GARDA recruit was asked during the exam: what would you do if you had to arrest your own mother? He answered call for backup.

6
The missus just found out I replaced our bed with a trampoline. She hit the roof.

7
Me and my pals are in a band called Duvet. We’re a cover band.

8
Pyramid Head walks into a bar the barman says why the long face, there were no survivors.

9
What do you call a zombie that can’t decide whether or not to eat his victim?
A Hesitant Evil

10
Where do sheep get their hair cuts?
A At the Baa Baas

11
What do cannibals play at parties?
A Swallow my leader

12
What did the beaver say to the tree?
A Nice gnawing you

13
What do you get if you cross a skeleton and a detective?
A Sherlock Bones

14
A woman brings eight-year-old Johnny home from school and angrily tells his mother that he was caught playing doctors and nurses with her daughter Sarah in the playground.

Well let’s not be too harsh on them Johnny’s mother says. They’re bound to be curious about sex at that age.

Curious about sex? Replies Sarah’s mother he’s taken her flippin appendix out.

15
Two friends are sitting in a pub having a drink, one says to the other my wife drives me to drink, your lucky says the other mine makes me walk.

16
A blind man walks into a store with his guide dog.

All of a sudden, he picks up the leash and begins swinging the dog over his head.

The exasperated manager runs up to the man and asks what are you doing?.

The blind man replies, just looking around

17
I hated my job as an origami teacher, there was too much paperwork

jarekhanzelka
26-07-10, 10:01
evq8wnvTC3M

just about every joke Robin says in that video (watch all parts!!!!!!!!!) is like my favourite.:D

LaraLuvrrr
26-07-10, 10:08
A man found out that he was about to die and wanted to escape death.

So in order to hide from death he dressed up as a woman to be unrecognizable.

He went to the usual bar he frequents and death walked in looking for the man.

Death looked around but just couldn't find the man he was looking for. He kept searching and searching but the man could not be found. As death got closer to the man in drag the man suddenly noticed death was near him.

Death said "Oh well I can't find the guy I'm supposed to kill so I guess I'll just take this chick."

tidusffxwakka
26-07-10, 10:18
Excerpts from a Cat's Daily Diary...

Day 983 of my captivity...

My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects.
They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets.

Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up my strength.

The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape. In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on the carpet.

Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet. I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates what I am capable of.
However, they merely made condescending comments about what a 'good little hunter' I am. Those idiots.

There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event.
However, I could hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard that my confinement was due to the power of 'allergies.'
I must learn what this means and how to use it to my advantage.

Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking.
I must try this again tomorrow -- but at the top of the stairs.

I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches. The dog receives special privileges.
He is regularly released - and seems to be more than willing to return. He is obviously retarded.

The bird has got to be an informant. I observe him communicating with the guards regularly. I am certain that he reports my every move.
My captors have arranged protective custody for him in an elevated cell, so he is safe. For now...............

excellent best in the thread imo

Tombraider95
26-07-10, 13:31
:D

3 Nuns get killed in a car crash and they go up to heaven and peters at the gate and he says "Im afriad your going to have to answer a question before you can come in" So he says to the first one "Dont worry the questions are very easy" "What was the name of the first woman?" and the nun replies "Eve" and he goes "Yup your in". He then says to the second one, "where did eve live?" and she replies "The garden of eden" and he goes "Yup your in" and he says to the last nun who was the mother superier, "Im afriad the question is going to be a bit more harder" and he says "What did eve say when she first saw adam" and she goes "Oh, thats a hard one" and he goes "yup your in!" :vlol:

Shark_Blade
26-07-10, 14:06
1
Since my dear old mother-in-law went senile, all she does is stare through the window, bless her maybe one day if it gets really cold I’ll let her in.

3
An 80-year-old is given a jar to provide to provide a sperm sample, but turns up to the clinic two days later empty handed.

Why’s there no sample? The nurse asks.

Sorry he says I tried my right and left hand. Then my wife tried with both hands and her mouth – with and without her teeth in.

We even got Betty from next door to try but it was no good, no matter what we did we just couldn’t get the jar open.


5
A GARDA recruit was asked during the exam: what would you do if you had to arrest your own mother? He answered call for backup.

6
The missus just found out I replaced our bed with a trampoline. She hit the roof.

8
Pyramid Head walks into a bar the barman says why the long face, there were no survivors.

17
I hated my job as an origami teacher, there was too much paperworkI LOL'ed. :vlol:

And I love that cat diary!:D

DragonSlayer
18-08-10, 09:25
I've just got a job where i have 600 people below me. I work in a cemetry.

DragonSlayer
01-09-10, 12:05
Sorry for double post

I've just got my son a piece of cardboard for christmas. Although what he wants with an ex-box i'll never know.

the ancient
01-09-10, 13:04
:D

3 Nuns get killed in a car crash and they go up to heaven and peters at the gate and he says "Im afriad your going to have to answer a question before you can come in" So he says to the first one "Dont worry the questions are very easy" "What was the name of the first woman?" and the nun replies "Eve" and he goes "Yup your in". He then says to the second one, "where did eve live?" and she replies "The garden of eden" and he goes "Yup your in" and he says to the last nun who was the mother superier, "Im afriad the question is going to be a bit more harder" and he says "What did eve say when she first saw adam" and she goes "Oh, thats a hard one" and he goes "yup your in!" :vlol:

:vlol: oh God

Avalon SARL
01-09-10, 13:15
:D

3 Nuns get killed in a car crash and they go up to heaven and peters at the gate and he says "Im afriad your going to have to answer a question before you can come in" So he says to the first one "Dont worry the questions are very easy" "What was the name of the first woman?" and the nun replies "Eve" and he goes "Yup your in". He then says to the second one, "where did eve live?" and she replies "The garden of eden" and he goes "Yup your in" and he says to the last nun who was the mother superier, "Im afriad the question is going to be a bit more harder" and he says "What did eve say when she first saw adam" and she goes "Oh, thats a hard one" and he goes "yup your in!" :vlol:

OMG :vlol: :vlol:

digitizedboy
01-09-10, 15:20
OXO are releasing new stock cubes, they're going to put the St George's flag on the packet with the England team displayed on top it. They're going to call their new brand the Laughing Stock.

A blonde girl walks into PC world looking for a pair of new curtains for her PC. The assistant says, "You don't need curtains for a PC." Blonde girl replies, "Helloooo, I've got windows!!"

:}hello friend
01-09-10, 18:00
WHY DO MIGETS NOT LIKE ACCOUNTING?

- Because they always come up short

TombOfRaiders
01-09-10, 23:16
A guy shows up late for work. The boss yells "You should have been here at 8:30!" he replies: "Why? What happened at 8:30?"

---

A guy is sitting at home when he hears a knock at the door. He opens the door and sees a snail on the porch. He picks up the snail and throws it as far as he can. Three years later, there’s a knock on the door. He opens it and sees the same snail. The snail says "What the hell was that all about?"

DragonSlayer
19-12-10, 21:55
A guy is sitting at home when he hears a knock at the door. He opens the door and sees a snail on the porch. He picks up the snail and throws it as far as he can. Three years later, there’s a knock on the door. He opens it and sees the same snail. The snail says "What the hell was that all about?"

:vlol:

A guy starts his new job as a taxi driver after 25 years in his previous job a passenger gets into his taxi and the driver takes him to where he wants to go after a few minutes the passenger reaches forward and taps him on the shoulder, the driver freaks out and drives onto the pavement and after nearly running over some pedestrians comes to a stop, after a minute the driver turns to the passenger and says sorry mate this is my first day on the job after 25 years driving a hearse.

DragonSlayer
21-01-11, 21:05
Sorry for double post.

My neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30 this morning. Can you believe that? Luckily for him i was still up playing my drums.

cezy rockeru
22-01-11, 10:59
-rkHPo4laPU
:vlol::vlol:

Jester Head
22-01-11, 14:28
Bah, I'm not leaving any here, most of the ones I find funny are black comedy and/or racist/sexist/paedophile/offensive in any other way, and TRF sometimes is too serious

Phlip
22-01-11, 14:51
This is extremely offensive:

They say there's safety in numbers. Try saying that to 6million Jews.

aidanmalone
22-01-11, 14:57
2 nuns were confronted by a flasher, 1 had a stroke the other one couldn't reach :vlol: :o

JDSmith260792
22-01-11, 16:46
LOVE the cat diary lmao!!

heres a silly one: what do you call a woman in the distance? dot.

StefanJ94
22-01-11, 17:08
Lame Blonde joke ^_^

What did a Blonde do when she discovered that 80% of the accidents occur at home?

She moved! :pi:

xXhayleyroxXx
22-01-11, 17:11
Lmao, I love these :vlol: <3

trlestew
22-01-11, 18:28
I'm going to do a really lame one that I made up.

There was this criminal, but he fails at trying to be defensive, Once, he was accused of theft, and tried to cover the evidence. Didn't work. To make matters worse, his name was Robin Steele.

He got arrested shortly after. He has no clue why.

SexyToaster
22-01-11, 22:19
Whats Beethoven's favorite fruit ?


Answer: Ba-Na-Na-Na

Enjoy my lame joke ;)

JDSmith260792
22-01-11, 23:24
really lame one right here lmao

three guys go to a fair and come across a "magic slide" one of the guys asks the ride attendent "why is it called a magic slide?" ride attendent says "if you say something whilst on it, you fall into it on the way down". so the guy decides to go on it and shouts "money!" and he falls in money. second decides to go on it and shouts "gold!" and falls in gold. the third guy seeing this, gets all excited and goes on it but as he does, he goes down really fast and shouts out "CRAAAAAAP!!!!" and falls in crap............ :ton:

Spong
23-01-11, 02:47
Q: How do you get a Pikachu on to a bus?
A: Pokemon.

larafan25
23-01-11, 02:51
Q: How do you get a Pikachu on to a bus?
A: Pokemon.

What's a Pokemon?:confused:


JK Funny joke.

TombOfRaiders
23-01-11, 02:54
Buy a Mac

I was just having a conversation with someone who is about to buy a Mac.

I was against it and an argument started.

I said there were too few people supporting the Mac.

He responded, "When was the last time you heard of a virus on a Mac?"

And I said "See, even people who write viruses don't support Macs."

Laras Boyfr.
23-01-11, 07:37
^hehe nice one

There was once a soldier called Timmy.While he was on duty his mother died abruptly while he didnt know it. his best friend knew it but he feared to tell that him personally. So he asked the army general to tell that to Timmy,but very careful as it would be a shock for him. Next day as the soldiers were standing in a row next to each other. The general shouts out : everyone whos mother is alive take a step forward!
While Timmy took a step forward the general screamed at him : Whatcha doing idiot??! **** off and go back !

Lara_Fan_33
23-01-11, 07:52
Was your daddy a farmer?
cuz i loooooove those melons. :pi:..

Raider4Ever96
23-01-11, 08:40
Here goes nothing:p

A young man goes to live with his grandparents to work on their farm. One morning, he decides to surprise them with fresh milk from their cow. When the grandparents wake up they find him sitting in the kitchen eating cereal with a big bottle of milk next to him and he tells them what he's done.

"It took a lot of tugging to get milk from your cow gramps!" says the young man.

Then his grandpa replies........"Son, we have a bull."

:mis:

!Lara Croft!
23-01-11, 09:07
/\ :vlol:

JDSmith260792
23-01-11, 20:52
Here goes nothing:p

A young man goes to live with his grandparents to work on their farm. One morning, he decides to surprise them with fresh milk from their cow. When the grandparents wake up they find him sitting in the kitchen eating cereal with a big bottle of milk next to him and he tells them what he's done.

"It took a lot of tugging to get milk from your cow gramps!" says the young man.

Then his grandpa replies........"Son, we have a bull."

:mis:

lol!!! blerrrggghhhh!!!!!!!! *throws up*

robm_2007
23-01-11, 21:36
Here goes nothing:p

A young man goes to live with his grandparents to work on their farm. One morning, he decides to surprise them with fresh milk from their cow. When the grandparents wake up they find him sitting in the kitchen eating cereal with a big bottle of milk next to him and he tells them what he's done.

"It took a lot of tugging to get milk from your cow gramps!" says the young man.

Then his grandpa replies........"Son, we have a bull."

:mis:

*Vomits*

What kind of dumb ******* cant distinguish Semen from Milk? Or udders from a penis?

TRLegendLuver
24-01-11, 02:23
Here goes nothing:p

A young man goes to live with his grandparents to work on their farm. One morning, he decides to surprise them with fresh milk from their cow. When the grandparents wake up they find him sitting in the kitchen eating cereal with a big bottle of milk next to him and he tells them what he's done.

"It took a lot of tugging to get milk from your cow gramps!" says the young man.

Then his grandpa replies........"Son, we have a bull."

:mis:


Oh that's ****ing disgusting. Eww.

_Awestruck_
24-01-11, 03:49
An old man in the nursing home got a bottle of wine for his birthday. He talked the old lady in the next room into sharing it with him.

After they were both totally bombed, he started groping the old lady and pulling at her clothes. He managed to get her blouse and bra off before she stopped him.

She said, "I can't do this, I have acute angina".

The old guy says "God, I hope so, you've got the ugliest tits I've ever seen."

ozzman
24-01-11, 03:51
How many Episodes does it Take Goku to Change a Lightbulb

ans. A Whole Season

robm_2007
24-01-11, 03:52
An old man in the nursing home got a bottle of wine for his birthday. He talked the old lady in the next room into sharing it with him.

After they were both totally bombed, he started groping the old lady and pulling at her clothes. He managed to get her blouse and bra off before she stopped him.

She said, "I can't do this, I have acute angina".

The old guy says "God, I hope so, you've got the ugliest tits I've ever seen."

Eldery Humor!!!

Oh wow! That was actually really funny.

MattTR
24-01-11, 03:59
I made this for James, it speaks for itself:

http://oi55.************/2i1mwaw.jpg

Love you buddy! :hug: :D

Tombraiderx08
24-01-11, 04:03
Brings me joy and peace and all other forms of pleasantness! <3

jjbennett
24-01-11, 04:05
I often say to myself, "I can't believe that cloning machine worked!"

TRLegendLuver
24-01-11, 04:12
^ Lol.

jjbennett
24-01-11, 04:18
I will stop at nothing to avoid using negative numbers.

tampi
24-01-11, 10:17
A group of old ladies go into a hair salon.
The hairdresser tells one of the ladies:
"Lady, you have only three hairs. What do I do?"
"Do not worry, you can get me a braid."
The hairdresser starts to make the braid but it drops one of the three hairs.
"Oh, sorry lady, it has fallen one of the hairs."
"Don't worry. Then made me a line in the middle, and get one hair to one side and one to the other."
The hairdresser makes this new hairstyle but one of the two hairs falls.
"Oh, sorry lady, it has fallen one of the hairs, again."
"Don't worry. Make me one with the hair combed back."

ryan91
24-01-11, 13:18
change your name on your friends phone to something like god, or jesus, or whatever. call him at 5:00 am. listen him pass away.

Phlip
24-01-11, 14:30
I Met a woman called Damaris.
I said, "That's an interesting name; you don't hear that every day".
She replied, "Actually I do".

Laras Boyfr.
24-01-11, 14:36
change your name on your friends phone to something like god, or jesus, or whatever. call him at 5:00 am. listen him pass away.

damn Thats so awesome :vlol:
I need to try that :pi:

cezy rockeru
24-01-11, 14:37
I Met a woman called Damaris.
I said, "That's an interesting name; you don't hear that every day".
She replied, "Actually I do".

:vlol:

nick styger
24-01-11, 15:15
What did the worm say to the human?
I come in peas.

Underworld2008
24-01-11, 15:58
What did the 0 say to the 8?

Nice belt.

TombOfRaiders
26-01-11, 00:27
How do you make your Mac go faster?

Drop it from a higher window.

Spong
26-01-11, 01:57
Q: What do a chicken and a banana have in common?
A: They're both yellow. Except for the chicken.

TRLegendLuver
26-01-11, 04:01
Q: What do a chicken and a banana have in common?
A: They're both yellow. Except for the chicken.

I don't get it... :confused:

Spong
26-01-11, 05:20
I don't get it... :confused:

You're not the only one. I once told that joke during an open-mic session at a comedy club. It was a *tumbleweed* moment. I laughed my arse off though :vlol:

The joke is; it's not a joke at all.

scremanie
26-01-11, 05:37
Like;

Q: Why did the plane crash?
A: Because the pilot was a loaf of bread.

AmericanAssassin
26-01-11, 05:49
Q: What do a chicken and a banana have in common?
A: They're both yellow. Except for the chicken.
LMFAOOOOO!!! :vlol:

MyRaider4Life
26-01-11, 06:04
Like;

Q: Why did the plane crash?
A: Because the pilot was a loaf of bread.

Right...

AmericanAssassin
26-01-11, 06:07
Your reaction had me laughing out loud just now. :vlol:

scremanie
26-01-11, 06:17
Right...

Oh stfu.

It's funny because it's not.

Spong
26-01-11, 06:32
Q: What's white and wears a tartan scarf?
A: Rupert the Fridge.

MyRaider4Life
26-01-11, 06:35
Your reaction had me laughing out loud just now. :vlol:

Why thank you! :D

Oh stfu.

It's funny because it's not.

No, it's just not funny at all. I feel sorry for people who laugh...

scremanie
26-01-11, 06:39
Q: What's bland, simple and impudent?
A: MyRaider4Life.

MyRaider4Life
26-01-11, 06:43
Q: Who think he's always funny?
A: scremanie.

:pi:

scremanie
26-01-11, 06:52
1) Knock knock..
2) Who's there?
1) Orange.
2) Orange who?
1) Orange you glad that I'm not trying to be funny?

*backhands Anthony* NOW STFU!

Spong
26-01-11, 06:54
Q: Why did the golfer wear two pairs of trousers?
A: Because he was a bit weird like that.

MyRaider4Life
26-01-11, 06:58
1) Knock knock..
2) Who's there?
1) Orange.
2) Orange who?
1) Orange you glad that I'm not trying to be funny?

*backhands Anthony* NOW STFU!

Stop embarrassing yourself...

You're not the only one. I once told that joke during an open-mic session at a comedy club. It was a *tumbleweed* moment. I laughed my arse off though :vlol:

The joke is; it's not a joke at all.

The funniest thing is, that's the funniest one that you posted. :p

scremanie
26-01-11, 07:05
Q: Why did the golfer wear two pairs of trousers?
A: Because he was a bit weird like that.

:vlol:

Jokes that aren't meant to be funny make me chortle.

nick styger
26-01-11, 12:20
knock knock
who's there?
Wendy
Wendy who?
Wendy last time you took a bath?

Soul
26-01-11, 12:24
Q: What do a chicken and a banana have in common?
A: They're both yellow. Except for the chicken.

GENIOUS! :vlol:

tampi
26-01-11, 13:14
knock knock
who's there?
Wendy
Wendy who?
Wendy last time you took a bath?

:DI like this


-------------------------
EDITED:

-Joseph, what do you want the baby. A boy or a girl?
-Miiiine...:(:rolleyes:

It's great that children resemble their parents. But specially they must resemble to the husband.

scremanie
26-01-11, 13:16
lol what? :p

dizzydoil
26-01-11, 13:52
Q: What's bland, simple and impudent?
A: MyRaider4Life.
:D

cezy rockeru
26-01-11, 13:53
Q: Who think he's always funny?
A: scremanie.

:pi:

And he's not?

scremanie
26-01-11, 15:00
And he's not?

You tell 'em! :ohn:

MyRaider4Life
30-01-11, 11:06
:D

Who... ah, screw it.
(shut up dale) :pi:

And he's not?

He's not what? :pi:

You tell 'em! :ohn:

not. funny.

cezy rockeru
30-01-11, 11:07
He's not what? :pi:


Funny.

MyRaider4Life
30-01-11, 11:08
Funny.

die. :pi:

cezy rockeru
30-01-11, 11:11
die. :pi:

You wish:rolleyes:
I think you're both funny:D

MyRaider4Life
30-01-11, 11:12
You wish:rolleyes:
I think you're both funny:D

You wish Shaun would die. :mad:

:pi:

TombOfRaiders
03-02-11, 01:09
Yo mama's like a bubble gum machine, 5 cents a blow. :p

larafan25
03-02-11, 01:20
Yo mama's like a bubble gum machine, 5 cents a blow. :p

LOL

What does that mean?:p



awkward situation becomes...

VictorXD
03-02-11, 01:20
:vlol:

TombOfRaiders
03-02-11, 01:22
LOL

What does that mean?:p



awkward situation becomes...

Blow...




...job. :p

Understand now? :p

larafan25
03-02-11, 01:22
I......still dunno.

Chocola teapot
03-02-11, 01:25
Maternal Slander.

http://i56.************/2rz6wcj.gif

Makes for some fantastic jokes.

...

http://i52.************/k4im40.png

TombOfRaiders
03-02-11, 01:25
I......still dunno.

Err...how do I put this?

Okay, you put your 5 cents in a BG Machine, you get gum to "blow". The joke is comparing it to "Yo mama" saying that it's 5 cents and she gives a blow. It's kinda awkward to explain. :p

larafan25
03-02-11, 01:27
Err...how do I put this?

Okay, you put your 5 cents in a BG Machine, you get gum to "blow". The joke is comparing it to "Yo mama" saying that it's 5 cents and she gives a blow. It's kinda awkward to explain. :p

Yes, but what is a blow?

still awkward.

TombOfRaiders
03-02-11, 01:28
Yes, but what is a blow?

still awkward.

http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=blow%20job ;)

larafan25
03-02-11, 01:30
http://i52.************/k4im40.png

TombOfRaiders
03-02-11, 01:31
http://i52.************/k4im40.png

Yes. Now, do you understand the joke? :p

larafan25
03-02-11, 01:32
Yes. Now, do you understand the joke? :p

I already understood the joke.

Chocola teapot
03-02-11, 01:33
Dylan dun goof'd.

larafan25
03-02-11, 01:37
This whole series of posts is one big joke, and the best of them all.:mis:

TombOfRaiders
03-02-11, 01:37
Hot damn. Fell into it again. Note to self: "Never go on forums at night-time."

a_pok
03-02-11, 17:16
these two jokes are the funniest i've ever heard, and both told to me by my friend:

1- a doctor who works at a psychiatric facility left his office for a cup of Coffey he passes a room filled with patients screaming out loud "15...15...15...15..." he ignored it and went to the cafeteria. on his way back, he heard them screaming "19...19...19...19..." his curiosity started to itch and he decided to look through the key hole. when he did that, a rusty nail hit him in the eye. just then the people inside started screaming "20...20...20...20..."


2- heaven is getting really crowded, so a guard was put on the gate to make sure only those who suffer on their last day could enter. three guys arrive at the gate at the same time. the fist one approaches the guard and says, "i was told that my wife was cheating on me, so i raced home to find her under the sheets with clothes all over the room, i start searching for the guy wanting to kill him. at last i find him hanging on the balcony so i grab my shuffle and hit his hands. after he fell, i saw he was still alive so i went to the kitchen, grabbed the fridge and threw it on him. sadly the wire was wrapped around my leg and dragged me after it." the guard let him in.
the second guy said, "i was on the balcony ironing my clothes when i tripped and fell to my neighbor's balcony railing, he was so mad he grabbed a shovel and started hitting me with it, i fell but i was still alive. and then he grabbed his fridge and threw it on me!" the guard let him in.
the third guy said, "imagine ourself naked, hiding in a fridge..."
the guard cut him off saying "say no more, go in"


EDIT just remembered this one:

"being bipolar is hard, its awesome!"

Encore
03-02-11, 17:47
1- a doctor who works at a psychiatric facility left his office for a cup of Coffey he passes a room filled with patients screaming out loud "15...15...15...15..." he ignored it and went to the cafeteria. on his way back, he heard them screaming "19...19...19...19..." his curiosity started to itch and he decided to look through the key hole. when he did that, a rusty nail hit him in the eye. just then the people inside started screaming "20...20...20...20..."

Hahahah :vlol:

Spong
03-02-11, 17:58
Two fish in a tank. One turns to the other and says, "How d'you drive this thing?"

nick styger
03-02-11, 18:28
Two fish in a tank. One turns to the other and says, "How d'you drive this thing?"

Now THAT'S funny:jmp:

cezy rockeru
03-02-11, 18:40
I......still dunno.

Err...how do I put this?

Okay, you put your 5 cents in a BG Machine, you get gum to "blow". The joke is comparing it to "Yo mama" saying that it's 5 cents and she gives a blow. It's kinda awkward to explain. :p

Yes, but what is a blow?

still awkward.

http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=blow%20job ;)

Erm... o_o
The internet is sick x_x

mepsipax
03-02-11, 18:48
What does Stevie Wonders wife do when she is angry with him?

... Rearrange the furniture. :D

How mean. ><

nick styger
03-02-11, 18:54
it took me a full ten seconds to get that one. LOL:D

Lara's home
03-02-11, 18:58
Erm... o_o
The internet is sick x_x

Wait what? You think blow job is a internet-invented word?

Spong
03-02-11, 19:02
Some maybe surprised to hear that I'm against fox hunting. I like to sabotage any hunts by going out the night before and shooting the fox myself.

----

"I want to learn how to do the splits," the man said.
"Okay," the gym instructor replied, "How flexible are you?"
"I can't make Tuesdays," the man answered.

----

I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.

----

I went to the doctor, "I can't stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home."
"That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome," the doctor said.
"Is that common?" I asked.
"It's not unusual."

Apathetic
03-02-11, 20:07
"I want to learn how to do the splits," the man said.
"Okay," the gym instructor replied, "How flexible are you?"
"I can't make Tuesdays," the man answered.



I don't get it. :p

Edit: Oh. :o

herothing
03-02-11, 20:50
My Ultimate Joke -

A man walks into a bar..........







ouch. :)

TombOfRaiders
04-02-11, 23:33
How do you recognize a Mac user at a computer store?


He's asking the salesperson how much it would cost him to upgrade to a 33.6 Kbps transfer speed--and then realize he's referring to the hard drive.

Spong
04-02-11, 23:34
^Quality :vlol:

TombOfRaiders
04-02-11, 23:53
What's a sure-fire way to **** off the new neighbors?

Eject a floppy from a Mac 1,000 times. ZZerzzit! Zzerzzzit! Zzzerzzzit!...

Spong
06-02-11, 16:56
They say a woman's work is never done. Maybe that's why they get paid less.

:pi::whi:

tigertiger
07-02-11, 18:24
Have you heard that if you buy one of the new Fiat 500's, you can avoid paying any vehicle tax and road tax?

It's because if you use the seat belt it counts as a back pack...!

DragonSlayer
07-02-11, 19:41
I saw this on my day by day calendar this morning.

I am going to call my children Ctrl, Alt and Delete. Then if they mess up i will just hit them all at once. :D (it's not meant to be a joke but i couldn't help but laugh at it).

Tear
07-02-11, 20:07
Worst joke I've ever heard was in the Power Ranger's movie.

Gargoyle: Hurry up, you weak-backs!
Pig: I had a weak back, about a week back!

:vlol: Worst line of all time?;)

DragonSlayer
07-02-11, 21:02
Worst joke I've ever heard was in the Power Ranger's movie.

Gargoyle: Hurry up, you weak-backs!
Pig: I had a weak back, about a week back!

:vlol: Worst line of all time?;)

That's the best bad joke i've ever heard, what ranger was it from i've only seen the first one.

2 guys are sitting in a bar having a drink
One guy says my wife drives me to drink,
Your lucky says the other mine makes me walk.

Phlip
26-02-11, 23:04
"Dirty slut."

"WHAT?!"

"I said I love your haircut. :)"

________________


Has Michael Jackson been melted into a PS3 yet so kids can turn him on?

DragonSlayer
13-04-11, 19:22
Did ye hear what happened the paper shop up town?
It blew away.

"who's the leader of the hankies?
the hankerchief"

Did you hear about the dyslexic cultist ?
He sold his soul to Santa

did ya hear about the red sauce chasing the brown sauce?
it couldn't ketchup

why did the one armed man cross the road
to get to the second hand shop

What do you call a sheep with no legs?
A cloud

What do you call a deaf man?
Anything you want, he can't hear you

Where do you find a dog with no legs?
Right where you left him

How do dinosaurs pay their bills?
With Tyrannosaurus checks.

Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?
He was dead.

Why did the second monkey fall out of the tree?
He was tied to the first monkey.

Why did the third monkey fall out of the tree?
He thought it was a game.

Why did the rhinocerous fall out of the tree?
He thought he was a monkey.

This electrician arrived home at 3am
The wife says "wire you insulate?"

What's the difference between a girlfriend and a terrorist?
You can negotiate with a terrorist...

did any of ye ever see stevie wonders wife??

NO??

Well neither Did he!!

How do you know a blondes been on the computer???
Theres tipp-ex on the screen.

How do you know shes been on it again???
She's left cheese for the mouse!!!

A blonde and a brunette are watching the nine o'clock news. There is a man on the edge of a bridge preparing to comit suicide. The brunette says "I bet you €5 he's going to jump", The blonde replies "youre on!". The man jumps. The brunette says "don't give me the money, I cheated, I saw this report earlier." the blonde replies "no, take it, I saw the report earlier too, I just didn't think he'd do the same thing twice!"

And one-liners, i love one-liners

I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

I used to have a handle on life...but it broke off

Save your breath...You'll need it to blow up your date.

"My father had a profound influence on me, he was a lunatic."

"Are you going to come quietly, or do I have to use earplugs?"

I don't mind dying. I just don't want to be there when it happens

When I played in the sandbox the cat kept covering me up.

I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet.

When I was born .... the doctor came out to the waiting room and said to my father .... I'm very sorry. We did everything we could ...but he pulled through.

My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday.

I wanted to be a milkman, but my plans turned sour.

A crab went out to the disco. He danced all night and then he pulled a muscle.

I don't approve of political jokes. I've seen too many of them get elected.

Shark_Blade
14-04-11, 03:46
http://img204.imageshack.us/img204/2140/17683652ai8.png (http://imageshack.us)


http://img101.imageshack.us/img101/5148/26312367vx5.png (http://imageshack.us)


http://img165.imageshack.us/img165/1734/56831791qu9.png (http://imageshack.us)


http://img176.imageshack.us/img176/9741/19978558dy1.png (http://imageshack.us)

Spong
14-04-11, 09:45
LOL @ the hazardous materials :vlol:

TombOfRaiders
14-04-11, 22:22
Oh! And it looks like England have won the Ashes!

shebj
25-08-11, 10:06
the hazardious one is funny ; and the one from the mall :) :D it's so true ; my boyfriend never wants to go shopping with me; it takes too long :)

My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We'll see about that

A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: “My friend is dead! What can I do?”
The operator, in a calm soothing voice says: “Just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead.”
There is a silence, then a shot is heard.
The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says: “OK, now what?“

Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson go on a camping trip. After a good dinner and a bottle of wine, they retire for the night, and go to sleep.
Some hours later, Holmes wakes up and nudges his faithful friend. “Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see.”
“I see millions and millions of stars, Holmes” replies Watson.
“And what do you deduce from that?”
Watson ponders for a minute. “Well,
Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets.
Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo.
Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three.
Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.
Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful, and that we are a small and insignificant part of the universe.
But what does it tell you, Holmes?”
Holmes is silent for a moment.
“Watson, you idiot!” he says. “Someone has stolen our tent!”

A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer.
His friend says: “Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man.”
The man then replies: “Yeah, well we were married 35 years.”

Two guys are sitting on a bar stool. One starts to insult the other one. He screams, “I slept with your mother!” The bar gets quiet as everyone listens to see what the other weasel will do. The first again yells, “I SLEPT WITH YOUR MOTHER!”
The other says, “Go home dad you’re drunk.”

A scientist and a philosopher were being chased by a hungry lion. The scientist made some quick calculations, he said “it's no good trying to outrun it, its catching up”.
The philosopher kept a little ahead and replied “I am not trying to outrun the lion, I am trying to outrun you !”

moodydog
25-08-11, 10:15
Have you heard of the dyslexic insomniac?
He stayed up all night wondering if there really was a dog.

DragonSlayer
05-11-11, 17:59
Have you heard of the dyslexic insomniac?
He stayed up all night wondering if there really was a dog.

:vlol:

My neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30 this morning. Can you believe that? Luckily for him i was still up playing my drums.

Saudi Arabia do not sell Flintstone DVD's

but Abu Dhabi do

A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer.
His friend says: “Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man.”
The man then replies: “Yeah, well we were married 35 years.”

I was at an ATM and this old lady asked me to help check her balance. So I pushed her over.

Did you hear about the fruit and veg delivery man who died? I hear there was a large turnip at his funeral.

''Knock Knock''

''Whos there?''

''Doorbell Repair Man''

sierra xb
05-11-11, 18:10
Redneck computer terms

BACKUP - What you do when you run across a skunk in the woods

BAR CODE - Them's the fight'n rules down at the local tavern

BUG - The reason you give for calling in sick

BYTE - What your pit bull dun to cusin Jethro

CACHE - Needed when you run out of food stamps

CHIP - Pasture muffins that you try not to step in

TERMINAL - Time to call the undertaker

CRASH - When you go to Junior's party uninvited

DIGITAL - The art of counting on your fingers

DISKETTE - Female Disco dancer

FAX - What you lie about to the IRS

HACKER - Uncle Leroy after 32 years of smoking

HARDCOPY - Picture looked at when selecting tattoos

INTERNET - Where cafeteria workers put their hair

KEYBOARD - Where you hang the keys to the John Deere

MAC - Big Bubba's favorite fast food

MEGAHERTZ - How your head feels after 17 beers

MODEM - What ya did when the grass and weeds got too tall

MOUSE PAD - Where Mickey and Minnie live

NETWORK - Scoop'n up a big fish before it breaks the line

ONLINE - Where to stay when taking the sobriety test

ROM - Where the pope lives

SCREEN - Helps keep the skeeters off the porch

SERIAL PORT - A red wine you drink with breakfast

SUPERCONDUCTOR - Amtrak's Employee of the year

SCSI - What you call your week-old underwear

Saman
05-11-11, 18:21
@Sierra

OMFG! :vlol:

It's made me smile for 5m :)

sierra xb
05-11-11, 18:26
@Sierra

OMFG! :vlol:

It's made me smile for 5m :)

:) glad you liked them..here's another one

Redneck Driver's Application
Plez compleet this paper, best ya can.

Last name: ________________

First name:
[_] Billy-Bob [_] Bobby-Sue
[_] Billy-Joe [_] Bobby-Jo
[_] Billy-Ray [_] Bobby-Ann
[_] Billy-Sue [_] Bobby-Lee
[_] Billy-Mae [_] Bobby-Ellen
[_] Billy-Jack [_] Bobby-Beth Ann Sue

Age: ____ (if unsure, guess)
Sex: [_]M [_]F [_]None
Shoe Size: ____ Left ____ Right
Occupation:
[_] Farmer [_] Mechanic
[_] Hair Dresser [_] Waitress
[_] Un-employed [_] Dirty Politician

Spouse's Name: __________________________
2nd Spouse's Name: __________________________
3rd Spouse's Name: __________________________
Lover's Name: __________________________
2nd Lover's Name: __________________________

Relationship with spouse:
[_] Sister [_] Aunt
[_] Brother [_] Uncle
[_] Mother [_] Son
[_] Father [_] Daughter
[_] Cousin [_] Pet

Number of children living in household: ___
Number of children living in shed: ___
Number of children that are yours: ___

Mother's Name: _______________________
Father's Name: _______________________

Education: 1 2 3 4 (Circle highest grade completed)
If you obtained a higher education what was your
major?
[_] 5th grade [_] 6th grade

Do you [_] own or [_] rent your mobile home?

Vehicles you own and where you keep them:
___ Total number of vehicles you own
___ Number of vehicles that still crank
___ Number of vehicles in front yard
___ Number of vehicles in back yard
___ Number of vehicles on cement blocks

Age you started drivin ______ (If over 10 are you
are still slow lerrnin ? [_] Yes [_] No)

Firearms you own and where you keep them:
____ truck ____ kitchen
____ bedroom ____ bathroom/outhouse
____ shed ____ pawnshop

Model and year of your pickup: _________ 194_

Do you have a gun rack?
[_] Yes [_] No; If no, please explain:

Newspapers/magazines you subscribe to:
[_] The National Enquirer [_] The Globe
[_] TV Guide [_] Soap Opera Digest
[_] Rifle and Shotgun [_] Bassmasters

___ Number of times you've seen a UFO
___ Number of times you've seen Elvis
___ Number of times you've seen Elvis in a UFO

How often do you bathe:
[_] Weekly
[_] Monthly
[_] Not Applicable

How many teeth in YOUR mouth? ___
Color of teeth:
[_] Yellow [_] Brownish-Yellow
[_] Brown [_] Black
[_] N/A

Brand of chewing tobacco you prefer:
[_] Red-Man [_] Skoal

How far is your home from a paved road?
[_] 1 mile
[_] 2 miles
[_] don't know

DragonSlayer
06-11-11, 15:02
One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift...
The next year, I didn't buy her a gift.
When she asked me why, I replied,
"Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"
And that's how the fight started.....

My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed.
I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have Sex?'
'No,' she answered. I then said,
'Is that your final answer?'
She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes..'
So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."
And that's when the fight started...

I took my wife to a restaurant.
The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.
"I'll have the rump steak, rare, please."
He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"
"Nah, she can order for herself."
And that's when the fight started.....

My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion, and she
kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.
I asked her, "Do you know him?"
"Yes", she sighed,
"He's my old boyfriend.... I understand he took to drinking right after we
split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn't been sober since."
"My God!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"
And then the fight started...

My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels.
She asked, "What's on TV?"
I said, "Dust."
And then the fight started...

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds."
I bought her a bathroom scale.
And then the fight started......

trlestew
06-11-11, 16:22
The Literal Nuisance

"Hey, what's up?"
-"The sky."
No, I meant how are you feeling?"
-"Cold."
"No, I meant how do you feel? Is something keeping you down?"
-"Gravity."
"No! Is there something on your mind?"
-"Membranes."
"Ugh...I give up!"
-"What are you giving to me?'"
*Facepalms*
-"Is there something upsetting you?"
"You're driving me mad!"
-We're not in a car. Mad isn't even a place I believe..."
"AGH!!!!!"

shebj
07-11-11, 14:58
husband to wife ; let's have a nice weekend
wife to husband : oh that's a great idea!
husband to wife ; all right ; I'll see you on Monday again then.



1970 vs 2011

http://a6.sphotos.ak.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ak-ash4/374018_242772395777324_100001336972668_629021_9151 805_n.jpg