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CiaKonwerski
27-05-11, 01:54
Hey everyone how are all of you this evening? I am in need of a bit of advice on this crush I have. Let me first start off by saying that I believe I am transgendered. I have felt this way for an incredibly long time. I am attracted to straight men so it kind of makes it difficult for me to express my feelings toward a crush I may develop. Anyway, this person I have a crush on I know fairly well. I consider him a friend and I really really care for him. I am not sure if maybe that is all it is, just caring, or if it is something more. He told me a few things about his past and these things may have had an impact on his health at this moment. He has really high blood pressure and some sort of heart problems. I do not know if what I feel is just infatuation or if it is something more. From what he did tell me it made me really really care for him and admire him as a person. But I don't know what sort of feelings I have for him really, I mean I cannot stop thinking about him. But anyway, because I am not physically a female, I doubt he is attracted to me, like that anyway. I really want to tell him I like him, perhaps after graduation but I do not want the friendship to change or him to think differently of me. However I know him well enough to see he is not a judging person. I feel really stuck and confused. I wish it were as simple as saying, Hey I like you but it isn't. So, what should I do about this situation? Also, do any of you have any advice for me if this is to happen in the future? I feel as if I am going to be alone because of this and it sucks. :/ I do not want to sound all emotional or anything because it is not THAT big of a deal to me (the transgendered issue) but it does get in the way. :/

Tombraiderx08
27-05-11, 02:44
Hmm. I'd suggest, giving it time, making sure you're certain of your feelings. After you know what it is you feel for him, if what you feel is real, try telling him, if he's not very judging, then things should go pretty well :)
:hug: I hope you get everything sorted out!

Chocola teapot
27-05-11, 02:56
To be honest hun, It seems a very complex situation, and I'm no expert.

But as I understand it, he's not a judgmental kind of guy and if he doesn't accept you for the way you really are, he isn't worth your time.

:hug:

yourtea
27-05-11, 09:55
I can relate to this situation. I do not 'believe I am transgendered' but I am gay and I told one of my best friends that I was in love with him not too long ago. But he was not that accepting and things have become messy. If the boy you know is not judging or discriminative against people, if he's open-minded and you have a lot of respect for him, then show it. I don't think you should be impulsive and label how you feel by calling it 'like', 'love' or even 'infatuation' yet. Just wait and see. Wait for say, a fortnight, and if the feelings are still there then try again with putting a label on it and then tell him at the right time. Everything will turn out OK.

All the best!

CiaKonwerski
27-05-11, 10:36
Another thing is is that I have never been in a relationship, never even wanted one before this. I have never felt this way about another person before, the feelings are intense. I think I will wait it out a bit, I was trying to get some advice from my close friends as well and they said maybe to do it after graduation as well, considering hopefully I will be moving away you know. It is terrible but I just cannot see myself with anyone but someone either like him or just him all together haha. And yes, from what I have heard about him and talked to him on my own he does not seem judging, he is so kind and everything. Very complex situation indeed, I hope you all are right about everything being okay. I guess we'll see, I just needed to rant.

Shark_Blade
27-05-11, 10:40
Love is like fart.

You can't keep it inside, you gotta let it out loud. Express yourself.



Basic step: Tell him how you feel. I know it's scary, but it's better than you just suffering the pain of keeping it inside you.

jajay119
27-05-11, 11:13
Ok there's three main point's I'd like to tackle about your post :)

1/ If you feel you are transgendered then obviously that is going to have a big impact on your love life as it is going to be an incredible barrier to any relationship, especially with your liking for straight men, you will not get very far in a male body. This needs incredible consideration on where you are emotionally and how it affects your life. You need to put this aspect above all else in my opinion :)

2/ Have you considered that you may be confusing feelings of being in love or infatuation with simple love of a very close friend? Many of us have done it before and it can become very easy to happen when you share close relationships with a good friend, being their confident etc, especially when there are other emotionally destabilising aspects of your life going on at the same time. It can be confusing because you don't know how you really feel.

and Finally, even if it is love or infatuation, then you have to consider the reality. Are you good friends? and is there even a chance you could be together? If there isn't then it's something that you may just have to ride out, but if there is you have to decide whether you would risk this ruining the great friendship you have now, or whether things are best left as they are.


Consider these aspects and how they relate to your situation, if it is just a crush, then there is nothing anyone but you can do for you. A crush is a chemical reaction withing your body, only time can help and you may just have to ride it out, it's hell, but it's generally the only way. In the meantime, have a hug :hug:

Good luck :)

nick styger
27-05-11, 11:17
This is tricky. I'm a straight guy and recently I found out that a male friend of mine had a crush on me when we were teenagers. We liked each other as friends and I enjoyed being with him...but I think if he have told me I would have been a little freaked. I think I would've always felt a bit uncomfortable after that knowing that I couldn't respond in kind. Although I have occasionally been attracted to an effeminate man...I certainly wasn't attracted to having a relationship with a man. It just wouldn't've worked. Dunno if this helps.

Another Lara
27-05-11, 12:11
Ok there's three main point's I'd like to tackle about your post :)

1/ If you feel you are transgendered then obviously that is going to have a big impact on your love life as it is going to be an incredible barrier to any relationship, especially with your liking for straight men, you will not get very far in a male body. This needs incredible consideration on where you are emotionally and how it affects your life. You need to put this aspect above all else in my opinion :)

2/ Have you considered that you may be confusing feelings of being in love or infatuation with simple love of a very close friend? Many of us have done it before and it can become very easy to happen when you share close relationships with a good friend, being their confident etc, especially when there are other emotionally destabilising aspects of your life going on at the same time. It can be confusing because you don't know how you really feel.

and Finally, even if it is love or infatuation, then you have to consider the reality. Are you good friends? and is there even a chance you could be together? If there isn't then it's something that you may just have to ride out, but if there is you have to decide whether you would risk this ruining the great friendship you have now, or whether things are best left as they are.


Consider these aspects and how they relate to your situation, if it is just a crush, then there is nothing anyone but you can do for you. A crush is a chemical reaction withing your body, only time can help and you may just have to ride it out, it's hell, but it's generally the only way. In the meantime, have a hug :hug:

Good luck :)

I totally agree with this! :tmb:

This is tricky. I'm a straight guy and recently I found out that a male friend of mine had a crush on me when we were teenagers. We liked each other as friends and I enjoyed being with him...but I think if he have told me I would have been a little freaked. I think I would've always felt a bit uncomfortable after that knowing that I couldn't respond in kind. Although I have occasionally been attracted to an effeminate man...I certainly wasn't attracted to having a relationship with a man. It just wouldn't've worked. Dunno if this helps.

It's good to have an example from the other perspective as well, how would the friend feel if he was told something like this... it's something you'd really have to consider as it could mean the death of a very good friendship if not handled properly...

Good luck anyways! :hug:

larafan25
27-05-11, 14:16
This is tricky. I'm a straight guy and recently I found out that a male friend of mine had a crush on me when we were teenagers. We liked each other as friends and I enjoyed being with him...but I think if he have told me I would have been a little freaked. I think I would've always felt a bit uncomfortable after that knowing that I couldn't respond in kind. Although I have occasionally been attracted to an effeminate man...I certainly wasn't attracted to having a relationship with a man. It just wouldn't've worked. Dunno if this helps.

That's really interesting.:)

This is an interesting situation. I think regardless of his health issues or your male body, the issue lies with what we shrug off as infatuation or accept as love.

I certainly can't tell the difference. A trick (perhaps) would be (this may be terrible advice) to convince yourself you are playing hard to get, try to stay away as much as you can (which would be hard if you are friends).

Chances are if it is an infatuation it will die down the more you are away and focused on other things. However then again, maybe love can fade.:pi:

yourtea
27-05-11, 14:31
It's good to have an example from the other perspective as well, how would the friend feel if he was told something like this... it's something you'd really have to consider as it could mean the death of a very good friendship if not handled properly...

This is what happened to me. The friendship was ruined because I became jealous a lot.

ryan91
27-05-11, 14:57
i'm sorry but if he is straight and if you tell him that you kinda love him, he is not going to look at you the same way anymore. no matter how hardcore bff's you are :D. well i hope things will work out.

larafan25
27-05-11, 15:06
i'm sorry but if he is straight and if you tell him that you kinda love him, he is not going to look at you the same way anymore. no matter how hardcore bff's you are :D. well i hope things will work out.

I've had friends who are girls who had crushes on me. We are still friends. :/

CiaKonwerski
27-05-11, 19:54
Thank you guys so much for some real decent advice. I am still unsure of what I will do but I just hope it all works out. I may tell him before I move which will hopefully be in fourth months or so. Once I move on with my life I can tell him to get some closure. I honestly think he would be okay with it, maybe. :/

Lara Croft!
28-05-11, 11:21
But as I understand it, he's not a judgmental kind of guy and if he doesn't accept you for the way you really are, he isn't worth your time.

:hug:

This, really. Give it some time to sort out your feelings, if it's a crush, it'll fade away in time.

Capt. Murphy
29-05-11, 02:57
I can't think of a way that you could tell this person the way you feel about them without it having some sort of potential backlash.... But if you do find a way to tell him - also let him know that you know he may not feel the same way, and you should be able to accept that. Forcing or expecting someone else to have the same feelings for you as you do for them... That's not really 'Love'. That has to be mutual. Yet, I'm sure, in a way your friend would care for you - on a certan level, like a close friend. But Love and Friendship are different branches on the same tree (in a manner of speaking). There are times you just can't make that jump... And if you try you might either land hard, or end up breaking a few branches.

Emotions/feelings aren't always wrong - they just are. The hard part is finding a way to change them if you see it would be beneficial for yourself or any relationships/friendships you have.

The way I changed my mind about someone I had deep feelings for was to realize... to make myself believe they didn't have the same feelings for me as I did for them. I knew they Loved someone else... But that still didn't mean they didn't care for me. And if they were happy - I was happy for them. When I had this revelation :D it really felt as if a weight I had been carrying for a long time had been lifted off my shoulders.


I will say this... You might have a weight taken off your shoulders, but it might leave a sense of emptiness as well. When something/one has been in your heart and mind for a long time, and then they're gone... (ha) you can still have that impression/imprint -as it were- where they once were. The key is to fill it with something else to replace it.


I guess it really sounds like I'm telling you to not do this... To reveal your feelings to this person for fear of offending them or just making your relationship with them really awkward, and having them ending up NOT your friend anymore.

But I can't help but to think that if they truly are your friend they should understand. If they end up breaking off any ties to you for how you feel - then they're probably a (bit of a) jerk anyway. :(

Perhaps if you had a mutual friend you could reveal it to, then when you're in the presence of this person have them make a small joke about it, but you don't deny it... Maybe they'll catch on. I hope that makes sense.

Not that I condone this, but keeping feelings in can be hard on a person. Take it from me, I know.

CiaKonwerski
29-05-11, 15:12
I can't think of a way that you could tell this person the way you feel about them without it having some sort of potential backlash.... But if you do find a way to tell him - also let him know that you know he may not feel the same way, and you should be able to accept that. Forcing or expecting someone else to have the same feelings for you as you do for them... That's not really 'Love'. That has to be mutual. Yet, I'm sure, in a way your friend would care for you - on a certan level, like a close friend. But Love and Friendship are different branches on the same tree (in a manner of speaking). There are times you just can't make that jump... And if you try you might either land hard, or end up breaking a few branches.

Emotions/feelings aren't always wrong - they just are. The hard part is finding a way to change them if you see it would be beneficial for yourself or any relationships/friendships you have.

The way I changed my mind about someone I had deep feelings for was to realize... to make myself believe they didn't have the same feelings for me as I did for them. I knew they Loved someone else... But that still didn't mean they didn't care for me. And if they were happy - I was happy for them. When I had this revelation :D it really felt as if a weight I had been carrying for a long time had been lifted off my shoulders.


I will say this... You might have a weight taken off your shoulders, but it might leave a sense of emptiness as well. When something/one has been in your heart and mind for a long time, and then they're gone... (ha) you can still have that impression/imprint -as it were- where they once were. The key is to fill it with something else to replace it.


I guess it really sounds like I'm telling you to not do this... To reveal your feelings to this person for fear of offending them or just making your relationship with them really awkward, and having them ending up NOT your friend anymore.

But I can't help but to think that if they truly are your friend they should understand. If they end up breaking off any ties to you for how you feel - then they're probably a (bit of a) jerk anyway. :(

Perhaps if you had a mutual friend you could reveal it to, then when you're in the presence of this person have them make a small joke about it, but you don't deny it... Maybe they'll catch on. I hope that makes sense.

Not that I condone this, but keeping feelings in can be hard on a person. Take it from me, I know.

The weird thing is is that I have only known this person for a year, and these feelings just came out of nowhere. I wanted so hard to just call it a crush but I am starting to think it is more. I would call this person just simply a friend for now, nothing close or anything, I just fell so close to him and I care deeply for him. I do realize that nothing will ever happen, ever. I have come to terms with that. And as you said about being happy for your person, I am also happy for mine. I wish him nothing but the best, I just wish I could be there to share those future endeavors. I think I have finally decided not to tell him. I just feel as if he is always there in my life, being a friend on FB etc. I will always see him and always have those feelings, unless I completely erase him and other parts out of my life before I move. I really do not want to do that but sometimes I feel as if it is the only way. I have told a few people how I feel about him, very close friends. We do joke about it every now and then but I do not think he hears haha, or maybe he is not as observant as my friend, she guessed I liked him on the first try when I told her I had something to tell her haha. I think I may just leave this one up to fate. Whatever happens happens.

larafan25
29-05-11, 15:40
You can't think inside, you have to think outside.

Because it swallows you and convinces you that it's "real" or genuine. Which it is a genuine feeling....however not love.

Not that I kno what love is or that anyone has ever successfully convinced me love is any different than an infatuation. :/