View Full Version : Rodney Dangerfields Best One Liners!!

11-12-03, 08:56
Now.....I'm not a big fan of Rodney Dangerfield. But these are funny!!
Enjoy http://www.tombraiderforums.com/images/smilies/smile.gif .

1. A girl phoned me the other day and said, "Come on over, nobody's home." I went over. Nobody was home.
2. One day I came home early from work and I saw a guy jogging naked. I said to the guy, "Hey buddy. Why are you doing that?" He said, "Because you came home early."
3. It's been a rough day. I got up this morning, put a shirt on and the button fell off. I picked up my briefcase and the handle came off. I'm afraid to go to the bathroom!!
4. I was an ugly kid. When I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me up.
5. I could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and radio.
6. I was such an ugly baby. My mother never breast fed me. She told me she only liked me as a friend.
7. When I was born, the doctor came into the waiting room and said to my father, "I'm sorry. We did everything we could, but he pulled through.
8. I'm so ugly, my father carries around a picture of the kid that came with the wallet.
9. I'm so ugly, my mother had morning sickness....................AFTER I was born.
10. I was so poor growing up, if I wasn't a boy, I'd have nothing to play with.
11. I'm so ugly.....I worked in a pet shop and people kept asking how big I'd get.
12. During sex, my girlfriend always wants to talk to me. Just the other night she called me from a hotel.
13. I went to see my doctor. "Doctor, every morning when I get up and I go look in the mirror, I feel like throwing up. What's wrong with me?" He said, "I don't know but your eyesights perfect."
14. I went to the doctor because I swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills. My doctor told me to have a few drinks and get some rest.
15. With my old man I get no respect. I asked him, "How can I get my kite in the air?" He told me to run off a cliff.
16. Some dog I got. We call him Egypt because in every room he leaves a pyramid. His favorite bone is my arm. Last night he wet on the paper four times. Three of those times I was reading it.
17. I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.
18. Once when I was lost, I saw a policeman and asked him to help me find my parents. I said to him, "Do you think we'll ever find them?" He said, "I don't know kid. There's so many places they can hide."
19. My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday.
20. One year they wanted to make me a poster boy....................for birth control.
21. My uncles dying wish was to have me sitting in his lap. He was in the electric chair at the time.