View Full Version : Jokes II
Werner Von Croy
It`s been too long since we`ve had some jokes on so here i go again
Four men went golfing one day.
Three of them headed to the first tee and the fourth went into the club
house to take care of the bill. The three men started talking and bragging about
The first man told the others, "My son is a home builder, and he is so
successful that he gave a friend a new home for free."
The second man said, "My son was a car salesman, and now he owns a
multi-line dealership. He's so successful that he gave a friend a new Mercedes,
The third man, not wanting to be outdone, bragged, "My son is a stockbroker, and he's doing so well that he gave his friend an entire portfolio."
The fourth man j! joined them on the tee after a few minutes of taking care of business.
The first man mentioned, "We are just talking about our sons.
How is yours doing?"
The fourth man replied, "Well, my son is gay and go-go dances in a gay bar."
The other three men grew silent as he continued, "I'm not totally cool
about the dancing job, but he must be doing well. His last three boyfriends gave
him a house, a brand new Mercedes, and a stock portfolio."
This apparently was a real memo sent out by a computer
company to its employees in all seriousness. It went to all field
engineers about a computer peripheral problem. The author of this memo
was quite genuine. The engineers rolled on the floor! Especially note the
last couple of sentences.
Re: Replacement of Mouse Balls.
If a mouse fails to operate or should it perform erratically, it may
need a ball replacement. Mouse balls are now available as FRU (Field
Replacement Units). Because of the delicate nature of this procedure,
replacement of mouse balls should only be attempted by properly trained
personnel. Before proceeding, determine the type of mouse balls by
examining the underside of the mouse. Domestic balls will be larger and
harder than foreign balls.
Ball removal procedures differ depending upon the manufacturer of the
mouse. Foreign balls can be replaced using the pop off method. Domestic
balls are replaced by using the twist off method. Mouse balls are not
usually static sensitive. However, excessive handling can result in
sudden discharge. Upon completion of ball replacement, the mouse may be
used immediately. It is recommended that each person have a pair of
spare balls for maintaining optimum customer satisfaction.
Any customer missing his balls should contact the local personnel in
charge of removing and replacing these necessary items. Please keep in
mind that a customer without properly working balls is an unhappy
John J. Bakie
ROFLMAO!! :D :D
But one question..... how do I find out if my mouse has a foreign ball or domestic ball? :D
hehehe... :D The first one was really good!!!
Those made me laugh so hard I had tears.
::chanting crowd:: encore! encore!
Ok, I have to give credit to FHM magazine for this one...
Little Jimmy goes to school one day where his form teacher confronts him with an angry look on her face.
"Jimmy!! Where were you yesterday, playing truent?"
"No miss. Please don't be angry miss. It was my daddy. He got burnt"
On hearing this, the teacher changes her tone of voice to one of great worry.
"Oh! I'm sorry to hear that! Was he badly burnt?"
To which Jimmy replies...
"Well they don't f.uck about at the crematorium miss"
How do you keep a blonde busy? (see below)
How do you keep a blonde busy? (see above)
Werner Von Croy
lol @ Trinity34
that will keep them busy. :D
I`ve just located the Bush-Blair "endless love "Mpeg V.funny :D ;)
Here ya go Werner, one just for you....
Men & Women Of Chemistry
Element Name: MAN
Atomic Weight: (180 +/- 50)
Physical properties: Solid at room temperature, but gets bent out of shape easily. Fairly dense and sometimes flaky. Difficult to find a pure sample. Due to rust, aging samples are unable to conduct electricity as easily as young samples.
Chemical properties: Attempts to bond with WO any chance it can get. Also tends to form strong bonds with itself. Becomes explosive when mixed with Kd (Element: Child) for prolonged period of time. Neutralize by dousing with alcohol.
Usage: None known. Possibly good methane source. Good samples are able to produce large quantities on command.
Caution: In the absence of WO, this element rapidly decomposes and begins to smell.
Element Name: WOMAN
Atomic Weight: (don't even go there!)
Physical properties: Generally round in form. Boils at nothing and may freeze any time. Melts whenever treated properly. Very bitter if not used well.
Chemical properties: Very active. Often unstable. Possesses strong affinity for gold, silver, platinum, and precious stones. Violent when left alone. Able to absorb great amounts of exotic food. Turns slightly green when placed next to a better specimen.
Usage: Highly ornamental. An extremely good catalyst for dispersion of wealth. Probably the most powerful income reducing agent known.
Caution: Highly explosive in inexperienced hands.
Werner Von Croy
Hehe!! Did you have anyone in mind? :D
I should have some more soon ;)
Werner Von Croy
I`m back again,just found this one.
Q. What should you do if you see your ex-husband rolling around in pain on
A. Shoot him again.
Q. How can you tell when a man is well-hung?
A. When you can just barely slip your finger in between his neck and the
Q. Why do little boys whine?
A. Because they're practicing to be men.
Q. How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A. One - he just holds it up there and waits for the world to revolve
around him. OR
Three - one to screw in the bulb, and two to listen to him brag about the
Q. What do you call a handcuffed man?
Q. What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and
calling your name?
A. You didn't hold the pillow down long enough.
Q. Why does it take 100,000,000 sperm to fertilize one egg?
A. Because not one ! will stop and ask directions.
Q. Why do female black widow spiders kill their males after mating?
A. To stop the snoring before it starts.
Q: Why do men whistle when they're sitting on the toilet?
A: Because it helps them remember which end they need to wipe.
Q: What is the difference between men and women...
A: A woman wants one man to satisfy her every need. A man wants every
woman to satisfy his one need.
Q: How does a man keep his youth?
A: By giving her money, furs and diamonds.
Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
A: Rename the mail folder to "instruction manuals"
Send this to five bright, funny women you know and make their day!!
And send this to five bright men who have the sense of humor to find this
Ok, at least finding 5 bright women is possible
the croft woman!
lol :D theyre soo funny!!!
:D Just too funny, thanks!
O.K., so your in this office after hours. How do you know which computer the blond uses??
It will be the one with white out all over the screen!
Scientists at NASA have developed a gun built specifically to launch dead chickens at the windshields of airliners, military jets and the space shuttle, all traveling at maximum velocity.
The idea is to simulate the frequent incidents of collisions with airborne fowl to test the strength of the windshields.
British engineers heard about the gun and were eager to test it on the windshield of their new high speed trains. Arrangements were made. But when the gun was fired, the engineers stood shocked as the chicken hurtled out of the barrel, crashed into the shatterproof shield, smashed it to smithereens, crashed through the control console, snapped the engineer's backrest in two and embedded itself in the back wall of the cabin.
Horrified Britons sent NASA the disastrous results of the experiment, along with the designs of the windshield, and begged the U.S. scientists for suggestions.
NASA's response was just three words, "Thaw the chicken."
the 13 biggest lies 13 the check is in the mail 12 you get this one ill pay next time 11 you look great 10 of course i love you 9 its not the money its the principle of the thing 8 but we can still be good friends 7 she means nothing to me 6dont worry i can go another 20 miles on empty 5 dont worry hes never bitten anyone 4 ill call you later 3 ive never done anything like this before 2im from your goverment and i am here to help u 1 i do
A passenger in a taxi tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him something. The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb and stopped just inches from a large plate glass window. For a few moments everything was silent in the cab, then the driver said, "Please, don't ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me." The passenger, who was also frightened, apologized
and said he didn't realize that a tap on the shoulder could frighten him so much, to which the driver replied, "I'm sorry, it's really not your
fault at all. Today is my first day driving a cab. I have been driving a hearse for the last 25 years.
A psychologist held a seminar for parents on early childhood behavior.
Afterwards he asked a mother: "Did my recommendations help you to relate to your children better?"
"No, not really," she replied "but they work just great on my husband!"
Werner Von Croy
Little Nora comes home from first grade and tells her father that they
learned about the history of Valentine's Day.
"Since Valentine's Day is for a Christian saint and we're Jewish," she
asks, "will God get mad at me for giving someone a valentine?"
Nora's father thinks a bit, then says "No, I don't think God would get
mad. Who do you want to give a valentine to?"
"Osama Bin Laden," she says.
"Why Osama Bin Laden?" her father asks in shock.
"Well," she says, "I thought that if a little American Jewish girl could
have enough love to give Osama a valentine, he might start to think that
maybe we're not all bad, and maybe start loving people a little bit. And
if other kids saw what I did and sent valentines to Osama, he'd love
everyone a lot.
And then he'd start going all over the place to tell everyone how much he
loved them and how he didn't hate anyone anymore."
Her father's heart swells and he looks at his daughter with new found pride.
"Nora, that's the most wonderful thing I've ever heard."
"I know," Nora says, "and once that gets him out in the open, the Marines could blow the **** out of him."
ROFLMAO!! I like that one. :D
A man walking along a California beach was deep in prayer. All of a sudden, he said out loud, "Lord grant me one wish."
Suddenly the sky clouded above his head and in a booming voice the Lord said, "Because you have TRIED to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish."
The man said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over anytime I want."
The Lord said, "Your request is very materialistic. Think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking. The supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific! The concrete and steel it would take. I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of another wish, a wish you think would honour and glorify me."
The man thought about it for a long time. Finally he said, "Lord, I wish that I could understand women. I want to know how they feel inside, what they are thinking when they give me the silent treatment, why they cry, what they mean when they say'nothing', and how I can make a woman truly happy."
God replied, "You want two lanes or four lanes on that bridge?" :D
Some good Jokes
PRICE OF GAS
You Think A Gallon Of Gas Is Expensive?
Makes one think, and puts things in perspective. Compare the "price per
gallon" of the following products:
Diet Snapple 16 oz $1.29 ........... $ 10.32 per gallon
Lipton Ice Tea 16 oz $1.19 ........ $ 9.52 per gallon
Gatorade 20 oz $1.59 ................ $ 10.17 per gallon
Ocean Spray 16 oz $1.25 .......... $ 10.00 per gallon
Brake Fluid 12 oz $3.15 ............ $ 33.60 per gallon
Vick's Nyquil 6 oz $8.35 ........... $178.13 per gallon
Pepto Bismol 4 oz $3.85 .......... $ 123.20 per gallon
Whiteout 7 oz $1.39 .................. $ 25.42 per gallon
Scope 1.5 oz $0.99 ................... $ 84.48 per gallon
and this is the REAL KICKER......
Evian water 9 oz for $1.49 ........ $21.19 per gallon.
$21.19 FOR WATER! ....and the buyers don't even know the source. Yes,
the name Evian, is Naive turned around, and the Canadians are selling it
the millions of gallons to the US.
So, the next time you're at the pump, be glad your car doesn't run on
water, Scope, or Whiteout, or God forbid, PEPTO BISMOL or NYQUIL!!!!
Just a little humor (?) to help ease the pain of your next trip to the
Daddy's Little Girl
A father watched his daughter playing in the garden.
He smiled as he reflected on how sweet and innocent
his little girl was. Suddenly she just stopped and stared
at the ground. He went over to her and noticed she
was looking at two spiders mating.
"Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?" she asked.
"What do you call the spider on top, Daddy?" she asked.
"That's a Daddy Longlegs." Her father answered.
"So, the other one is a Mommy Longlegs?" the little girl asked.
No," her father replied. "Both of them are Daddy Longlegs."
The little girl thought for a moment, then took her foot
and stomped them flat.
Well, we're not having any of that sh*t in our garden."
Every parent that has raised children can relate to this!!!!
Did you hear about the teacher who was helping one of her kindergarten
students put on his boots? He asked for help and she could see why.
With her pulling and him pushing, the boots still didn't want to go on.
When the second boot was on, she had worked up a sweat. She almost
whimpered when the little boy said, "Teacher, they're on the wrong
She looked and sure enough, they were. It wasn't any easier pulling the
boots off than it was putting them on. She managed to keep her cool as
together they worked to get the boots back on -- this time on the right
He then announced, "These aren't my boots." She bit her tongue rather
get right in his face and scream, "Why didn't you say so?" like she
Once again she struggled to help him pull the ill-fitting boots off. He
then said, "They're my brother's boots. My Mom made me wear them."
She didn't know if she should laugh or cry. She mustered up the grace
courage she had left to wrestle the boots on his feet again.
She said, "Now, where are your mittens?" He said, "I stuffed them in the
toes of my boots..."
Her trial starts next week.
A little joke for you.
A couple lived near the ocean and used to
walk the beach a lot.
One summer they noticed a girl who was at the
beach pretty much every day.
She wasn't unusual, nor was the travel bag
she carried, except for one thing;
she would approach people who were
sitting on the beach, glance around furtively,
then speak to them.
Generally the people would respond
negatively and she would wander off,
but occasionally someone would nod and
there would be a quick exchange
of money and something she carried in her
The couple assumed she was selling drugs,
and debated calling the cops,
but since they didn't know for sure they
just continued to watch her.
After a couple of weeks the wife said,
"Honey, have you ever noticed that she only
goes up to people with boom boxes and other
electronic devices?" He hadn't, and said so.
Then she said, "Tomorrow I want you to
get a towel and our big radio and go lie
out on the beach. Then we
can find out what she's really doing."
Well, the plan went off without a hitch
and the wife was almost hopping
up and down with anticipation when she saw
the girl talk to her husband and then leave.
The man walked up the beach and met his
wife at the road.
"Well, Is she selling drugs?" she asked
excitedly. "No, she's not," he said,
enjoying this probably more than he
"Well, What is it, then? What does she
do?" his wife fairly shrieked.
The man grinned and said, "She's a battery
"Batteries?" cried the wife. "Yes," he replied.
(Now this is going to kill you. . . .)
SCROLL DOWN ....
She sells C cells down by the seashore.
A man walked into a Louisiana Circle-K, put a $20 bill on the counter and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun and asked
> >for all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled, leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got from the drawer? $15. (If someone points a gun at you and gives you money, was a crime committed?)
A thief burst into a Florida bank one day wearing a ski mask and carrying a gun. Aiming his gun at the guard, the thief yelled, "FREEZE, MOTHER-STICKERS, THIS IS A ****-UP!" For a moment, everyone was silent. Then the snickers started. The guard completely lost it and doubled over laughing. It probably saved his life, because he'd been about to draw his gun. He couldn't have drawn and fired
before the thief got him. The thief ran away and is still at large. In memory of the event, the banker later put a plaque on the wall engraved "Freeze, mother-stickers, this is a ****-up!"
Seems this Arkansas guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that he'd just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head at the window. The cinder block bounced back and hit the would-be thief on the head, knocking him unconscious. Seems the liquor store window was made of Plexi-Glass. The whole event was caught on video tape. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
As a female shopper exited a New York convenience store, a man grabbed her purse and ran. The clerk called 911 immediately and the woman was able to give them a detailed description of the snatcher. Within minutes, the police apprehended the snatcher. They put him in the car and drove back to the store. The thief was then taken out of the car and told to stand there for a positive ID. To which he replied "Yes Officer, that's her. That's the lady I stole the purse from."
The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a Burger King in Ypsilanti, Michigan at 5am, flashed a gun and demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn't open the cash register without a food order. When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk said they weren't available for breakfast. The man, frustrated, walked away.
Two men tried to pull the front off a cash machine by running a chain from the machine to the bumper of their pickup truck. Instead of pulling the front panel off
> >the machine, though, they pulled the bumper off their truck! Scared, they left the scene and drove home......with the chain still attached to the machine.......with their bumper still attached to the chain...... WITH their vehicle's license plate
still attached to the bumper. They were quickly arrested.
#7 and 5-STAR STUPIDITY AWARD WINNER!!
When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor home parked on a
Seattle street, he got much more than he bargained for. Police arrived at the scene to find an ill man curled up next to a motorhome near spilled sewage. A police spokesman said that the man admitted to trying to steal gasoline and plugged his siphon hose into the motor home's sewage tank by mistake. The owner of the vehicle declined to press charges, saying that it was the best laugh he'd ever had.
Men And Women:
God made men and women to complement each other with the
unique traits each were given:
Women have strengths that amaze men. They carry
children, they carry hardships, they carry burdens, but
they hold happiness, love and joy.
They smile when they want to scream. They sing when they
want to cry.
They cry when they are happy, and laugh when they are
Women wait by the phone for a "safe at home call" from a
friend, after a snowy drive home. They are child care
workers, executives, attorneys, stay-at-home moms,
biker babes, and your neighbors.
They wear suits,jeans, and they wear uniforms. They
fight for what they believe in.
They stand up against injustice. They go to the doctor
with a frightened friend. Women are honest, loyal, and
They are smart-they know that knowledge is power.
But they still know how to use their softer side to make
Women want to be the best for their family, their
friends, and themselves. Their hearts break when a
friend dies. They have sorrow at the loss of a family
member, yet they are strong when they think there is no
A woman can make a romantic evening unforgettable.
Women come in all sizes, in all colors and shapes. They
live in houses, apartments and cabins. They drive, fly,
walk, run or e-mail you to show how much they care about
The heart of a woman is what makes the world spin.
Women do more than just give birth. They bring joy and
hope. They give compassion and ideals. They give moral
support to their family and friends. And all they
want in return is a hug, a smile, and for you to do the
same for people you come in contact with.
Men are good at lifting heavy sh*t and killing spiders.
Little Melissa comes home from first grade and tells her father that
they learned about the history of Valentine's Day. "Since Valentine's
Day is for a Christian saint and we're Jewish," she asks, "will God
get mad at me for giving someone a valentine?"
Melissa's father thinks a bit, then says "No, I don't think God would
get mad. Who do you want to give a valentine to?"
"Osama Bin Laden," she says.
"Why Osama Bin Laden," her father asks in shock.
"Well," she says,
"I thought that if a little American Jewish girl could have enough love to
give Osama a valentine, he might start to think that maybe we're not
all bad, and maybe start loving people a little bit. And if other kids saw
what I did and sent valentines to Osama, he'd love everyone a lot. And then
he'd start going all over the place to tell everyone how much he loved them
and how he didn't hate anyone anymore."
Her father's heart swells and he looks at his daughter with newfound pride.
"Melissa, that's the most wonderful thing I've ever heard."
"I know," Melissa says, "and once that gets him out in the open, Our Marines
could blow the sh*t out of him."
A lady approaches her priest and tells him "Father, I have a problem. I
two female talking parrots, but they only know how to say one thing."
"What do they say?" the priest inquired.
"They only know how to say, 'Hi, we're prostitutes. Want to have some
"That's terrible!" the priest exclaimed, "but I have a solution to your
problem. Bring your two female parrots over to my house and I will put
with my two male talking parrots whom I taught to pray and read the bible.
My parrots will teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible phrase and
your female parrots will learn the joys of praise and worship."
"Thank you!" the woman responded.
The next day the woman brings her female parrots to the priest's house.
two male parrots are holding the rosary beads and praying in their cage.
lady puts her two female parrots in with the male parrots and the female
parrots say "Hi we're prostitutes, want to have some fun?"
One male parrot looks over at the other male parrot and exclaims, "Put the
beads away, brother. Our prayers have been answered!"
A couple is lying in bed. The man says, "I
am going to make you the happiest
woman in the world."
The woman says, "I'll miss you."
"It's just too hot to wear clothes today,"
Jack says as he stepped
out of the shower,
"honey, what do you think the neighbors
would think if I mowed the lawn like this?"
"Probably that I married you for your
money," she replied.
He said - Since I first laid eyes on you,
I've wanted to make love to you
She said - Well, you succeeded.
He said - Shall we try swapping positions
She said - That's a good idea...you stand by
the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart.
He said - What have you been doing with all
the grocery money I gave you?
She said - Turn sideways and look in the
Q: What do you call an intelligent, good
looking, sensitive man?
A: A rumor
One day my housework-challenged husband
decided to wash his sweatshirt.
Seconds after he stepped into the laundry
room, he shouted to me,
"What setting do I use on the washing machine?"
"It depends," I replied. "What does it say
on your shirt?"
He yelled back, " Texas A&M ."
And they say blondes are dumb....
A blonde was walking on the opposite side of the river from a brunette.
The brunette yells across to the blonde, "Hey, how do I get to the other
The blonde hesitates, looks back and replies, "You ARE on the other side!"
Don\t step on a duck
Three women die together in an accident and go to heaven. When they get
there, St. Peter says, "We only have one rule here in heaven...don't step on
the ducks!" So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over
the place.? It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they
try their best
to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one. Along comes St.
Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw. St. Peter chains them together and
says "Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to
this ugly man!" The next day, the second woman steps accidentally on a duck,
and along comes St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing, and with him is another
extremely ugly man. He chains them together with the same admonishment as
for the first woman. The third woman has observed all this and, not wanting
to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where
she steps. She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one
day St. Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid
eyes on ... very tall, long eye-lashes, muscular, and thin.
St. Peter chains them together without saying a word.? The woman
remarks, "I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of
eternity?" The guy says, "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck!"
ONLY IN NEW YORK
REASON FOR THE NEED TO LISTEN CAREFULLY:
Bill and Hillary were at the Yankee's home opener, sitting in the
first row, with the Secret Service people directly behind them.
One of the Secret Service guys leaned forward and said
something to Bill.
Bill stared at the guy, looked at Hillary, looked back at the
and shrugged his shoulders. Then he picked up Hillary by the
coat collar and the seat of her pants, and dropped her right over
the wall into the field.
She's kicking and swearing and screaming, and the crowd goes wild.
They're cheering, applauding, and high-fiving. Bill is bowing and
smiling, when the agent leans forward and says:
"I said, they want you to throw out the first PITCH!"
GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT LIFE THAT LITTLE CHILDREN HAVE LEARNED:
1) No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats.
2) When your Mom is mad at your Dad, don't let her brush your hair.
3) If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the
4) Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato.
5) You can't trust dogs to watch your food.
6) Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.
7) Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time.
8) You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
9) Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.
10) The best place to be when you're sad is Grandpa's lap.
GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT LIFE THAT ADULTS HAVE LEARNED:
1) Raising teenagers is like nailing Jell-O to a tree.
2) Wrinkles don't hurt.
3) Families are like fudge . . .mostly sweet, with a few nuts.
4) Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground.
5) Laughing is good exercise. It's like jogging on the inside.
6) Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the
GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT GROWING OLD:
1) Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional.
2) Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get.
3) When you fall down, you wonder what else you can do while
you're down there.
4) You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a
rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster.
5) It's frustrating when you know all the answers, but nobody
bothers to ask you the questions.
6) Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician.
7) Wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age comes alone.
THE FOUR STAGES OF LIFE:
1) You believe in Santa Claus.
2) You don't believe in Santa Claus.
3) You are Santa Claus.
4) You look like Santa Claus.
At age 4 success is . . . . not peeing in your pants.
At age 12 success is . . . having friends.
At age 16 success is . . . having a drivers license.
At age 20 success is . . . having sex.
At age 35 success is . . . having money.
At age 50 success is . . . having money.
At age 60 success is . . . having sex.
At age 70 success is . . . having a drivers license.
At age 75 success is . . . having friends.
At age 80 success is . . . not peeing in your pants.
Road Side Stop
Leaving Montreal for Quebec, I decided to make a stop at one of those
rest areas on the side of the road. I went in the washroom. The first stall
taken so I went in the second stall.
Just as I sat down I heard a voice from the next stall.
"Hi there, how is it going?"
Ok I am not the type to strike conversations with strangers in washrooms
on the side of the road. I didn't know what to do, so finally I said:
Then the voice said:
"So, what are you doing?"
I was starting to find that a bit weird, but I said:
"Well, I'm going back east..."
Then I heard the person say, all flustered:
"Look, I'll call you back -- every time I ask you a question - this
idiot in the next stall keeps answering me!"
YOU KNOW YOU ARE FROM CENTRAL ILLINOIS WHEN...........
1. You've never met a celebrity.
2. Your idea of a traffic jam is ten cars waiting to pass a tractor on the highway.
3. "Vacation" means going to Six Flags.
4. You think of Chicago as not part of Illinois.
5. You measure distance in minutes.
6. You know several people who have hit a deer.
7. Your school classes were canceled because of cold.
8. Your school classes were canceled because of heat.
9. You have had to switch from "heat" to "A/C" on the same day.
10. You know what's knee-high by the Fourth of July.
11. Stores don't have bags; they have sacks.
12. You see a car running in the parking lot at the store with no one in it, no matter what time of the year.
13. You end your sentences with an unnecessary preposition. For example:
"Where's my coat at?" or "If you go to town I wanna go with."
14. All the festivals across the state are named after a fruit, vegetable, grain, flower or an animal.
15. You install security lights on your house and garage and leave both unlocked.
16. You think of the major four food groups as beef, pork, sodie and Jell-O salad with marshmallows.
17. You carry jumper cables in your car.
18. You don't pronounce the "S" in Illinois like the rest of the world.
19. You design your kid's Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit.
20. Driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled with snow.
21. You think everyone from a bigger city has an accent.
22. The local paper covers national and international headlines on one page but requires 6 pages for sports.
23. You think that deer season is a national holiday.
24. You know which leaves make a good toilet paper.
25. You find -20 degrees F "a little chilly."
26. You know all 4 seasons: Almost Winter, Winter, Still Winter, and Construction.
27. You know if another Illinoisan is from southern, central, or northern Illinois and especially Chicago, as soon as they open their mouth.
28. There is a Dairy Queen in every town with a population of 1000 of more.
29. Whenever anyone mentions going out for steak, the first place you think of is Ponderosa.
30. You know more than one person with a septic tank.
31. You pronounce the invisible" R" in the word wash.
32. You actually understand these jokes and forward them to all your friends from Illinois.
Three men, one German, one Japanese
and a West Virginian were sitting naked in a sauna.
Suddenly there was a beeping sound.
The German pressed his forearm and the beep
stopped. The others looked at him questioningly.
"That was my pager,"he said, "I have a
microchip under the skin of my arm."
A few minutes later a phone rang.
The Japanese fellow lifted his palm to his ear.
When he finished he explained,"That was my
mobile phone. I have a microchip in my
The West Virginian felt decidedly low tech, but not
to be outdone he decided he had to do
something just as impressive. He stepped out of the
sauna and went to the bathroom. He returned with a
piece of toilet paper hanging from his
The others raised their eyebrows and stared
at him. The West Virginian finally said-------
"Well, will you look at that, I'm getting a
Once upon a time,
in a land far away
a beautiful, independent,
happened upon a frog as she sat,
contemplating ecological issues
on the shores of an unpolluted pond
in a verdant meadow near her castle.
The frog hopped into the princess's lap
and said: Elegant Lady,
I was once a handsome prince,
until an evil witch cast a spell upon me.
One kiss from you, however,
and I will turn back
into the dapper, young prince that I am
and then, my sweet, we can marry
and setup housekeeping in your castle
with my mother,
where you can prepare my meals,
clean my clothes, bear my children,
feel grateful and happy doing so.
as the princess dined sumptuously
on a repast of lightly sauteed frog legs
seasoned in a white wine
and onion cream sauce,
she chuckled and thought to herself:
I don't ****** think so.
Special Anti-terrorist activity
As we all know, the Taliban considers it a sin for a man to see a naked
woman who is not his wife.
So, this Saturday at 2:00 PM Pacific time, all North American women are
asked to walk out of their house completely naked to help weed out any
neighborhood terrorists. Circling the block for one hour is recommended for
this antiterrorist effort.
All men are to position themselves in lawn chairs in front of their house to
prove that they are not Taliban and they think it's okay to see other
women nude and to show support for their fellow sisters.
And since the Taliban also does not approve of alcohol, a cold six-pack at
your side is further proof of your anti-Taliban sentiment.
The United States of America appreciates your efforts to root out terrorists
and applauds your participation!
GOD BLESS AMERICA!!!!
Young King Arthur
Young King Arthur was ambushed and imprisoned by the monarch of a
neighboring kingdom. The monarch could have killed him, but was moved by
Arthur's youth and ideals. So the monarch offered him freedom, as long as he
could answer a very difficult question. Arthur would have a year to figure
out the answer; if, after a year, he still had no answer, he would be put to
The question: What do women really want? Such a question would perplex even
the most knowledgeable man, and, to young Arthur, it seemed an impossible
query. But, since it was better than death, he accepted the monarch's
proposition to have an answer by year's end!.
He returned to his kingdom and began to poll everybody: the princess, the
prostitutes, the priests, the wise men, and the court jester. He spoke with
everyone, but no one could give him a satisfactory answer. Many people
advised him to consult the old witch-only she would know the answer.
The price would be high; the witch was famous throughout the kingdom for the
exorbitant prices she charged.
The last day of the year arrived and Arthur had no alternative but to talk
to the witch. She agreed to answer his question, but he'd have to accept her
price first: The old witch wanted to marry Gawain, the most noble of the
Knights of the Round Table and Arthur's closest friend.
Young Arthur was horrified: She was hunchbacked and hideous, had only one
tooth, smelled like sewage, made obscene noises . etc. He had never
encountered such a repugnant creature. He refused to force his friend to
marry her and have to endure such a burden.
Gawain, upon learning of the proposal, spoke with Arthur. He told him that
nothing was too big a sacrifice compared to Arthur's life and the
preservation of the Round Table.
Hence, their wedding was proclaimed, and the witch answered Arthur's
What a woman really wants is to be in charge of her own life.
Everyone instantly knew that the witch had uttered a great truth and that
Arthur's life would be spared. And so it was. The neighboring monarch
granted Arthur total freedom. What a wedding Gawain and the witch had.
Arthur was torn between relief and anguish. Gawain was proper as always,
gentle and courteous. The old witch put her worst manners on display, and
generally made everyone very uncomfortable.
The honeymoon hour approached. Gawain, steeling himself for a horrific
experience, entered the bedroom. But what a sight awaited him. The most
beautiful woman he'd ever seen lay before him. The astounded Gawain asked
what had happened.
The beauty replied that since he had been so kind to her when she'd appeared
as a witch, she would henceforth be her horrible, deformed self half the
time, and the other half, she would be her beautiful maiden self.
Which would he want her to be during the day, and which during the night?
What a cruel question. Gawain pondered his predicament. During the day, a
beautiful woman to show off to his friends, but at night, in the privacy of
his home, an old witch.
Or would he prefer having by day a hideous witch, but by night a beautiful
woman with whom to enjoy many intimate moments.
What would you do? What Gawain chose follows below, but don't read until
you've made your own choice.
Noble Gawain replied that he would let her choose for herself.
Upon hearing this, she announced that she would be beautiful all the time,
because he had respected her enough to let her be in charge of her own life.
What is the moral of this story? The moral is:
If a woman doesn't get her own way, things are going to get ugly...really
VARNING: Nor Dakota Computir Virus. Ve haf just sent you da "NORVEGIAN
Since ve do not haf any programming experience and do not know how to
actually damage your computer, dis Virus verks on da honor system.
Please forward dis Virus to eferyvone on your mailing list and den
manually delete all of da files on your hard drive. Tank you for your
cooperation. Sven and Ole
Two old ladies were outside their nursing home, having a smoke when it
started to rain. One of the ladies pulled out a condom, cut off the end,
put it over her cigarette, and continued smoking.
Lady 1: What's that?
Lady 2: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.
Lady 1: Where did you get it?
Lady 2: You can get them at any drugstore.
The next day, Lady 1 hobbles herself into the local drugstore and
announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms. The guy,
obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely. She is, after
all, over 90 years of age, but very delicately asks what brand she
Lady 1: Doesn't matter son, as long as it fits a Camel.
The pharmacist fainted.
Pretty tasteless but funny
Two gay guys are in a San Francisco bathroom using the urinals. One of the
guys looks at the other guy's p*nis and notices there's a Nicoderm patch on
He turns to the other guy and says, "I believe you're supposed to put that
patch on your arm or shoulder, not your p*nis."
The other guy replies, "It's working just fine. I'm down to 2 butts a day
There was a man who had worked all of his life and had saved all of his
money and was a real miser when it came to his money. He loved
money more than just about anything. Just before he died, he said to his
wife, "Now listen. When I die, I want you to take all my money and put it in
the casket with me. I want to take my money to the afterlife with me. He
made her promise with all her heart that when he died, she would put all of
the money in the casket with him.
Well, he died. He was stretched out in the casket, his wife was sitting
there in black, and her friend was sitting next to her. When they finished
the ceremony, just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the
wife said, "Wait just a minute!' She had a box with her, she came over with
the box and put it in the casket. Then the undertakers locked the casket
down, and they rolled it away.
So her friend said, "Girl, I know you weren't fool enough to put all that
money in there with your husband!"
She said, "Listen, I'm a Christian. I can't go back on my word. I promised
him that I was gonna put that money in that casket with him.
You mean to tell me you really put that money in the casket with him!!!!?
I sure did," said the wife. "I wrote him a check."
Never Underestimate The Intelligence of a Woman
ALL K-MART AND WAL-MART STORES IN IRAQ WILL BE CLOSING SOON.
THEY WILL REOPEN AS . . .
A young woman ...............
A young woman who had been married for several years was
growing more and more frustrated at her husband's lack of
interest in sex.
She wondered about ways to add some pizzazz to their sexual
relationship, and finally decided to purchase some Crotchless
underwear she had seen in a novelty shop.
One evening when she was feeling particularly desirous and he
was, as usual, watching television, she took a shower,
freshened up, and donned her crotchless undies and a slinky
negligee. She then strolled between her husband and the television
and suggestively tossed one leg up on his chair arm. "Want some
of this?" she purred.
"Are you kidding?", he replied, "Look what it did to your
[ 14 March 2003, 22:42: Message edited by: Lucky ]
This is NOT a true story (well, if it is, it didn't happen to me!!!)
I was happy. My girlfriend and I were dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. My parents helped us in every way, my friends encouraged me, and my girlfriend? She was a dream! There was only one thing bothering me, quite much indeed, and that was my mother-in-law to be.
She was a career woman, smart, but most of all beautiful and sexy, who sometimes flirted me, which made me feel uncomfortable. One day she called me and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. So I went.
She was alone, and when I arrived, she whispered to me, that soon I was to be married, and she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome. So before I got married and committed my life to her daughter, she wanted to make love to me just once.
What could I say? I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word.
So, she said, "I'll go to the bedroom, and if you are up for it, just come and get me."
I stood there for a moment, and then turned around and went to the front door. I opened it, and stepped out of the house.
Her husband was standing outside, and with tears in his eyes, hugged me and said, "We are very happy and pleased, you have passed our little test. We couldn't have asked for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family."
Moral of the story:
Always keep your condoms in your car!
Why do jokes about blondes tend to be so short?
This way even males understand them.
(Sorry guys, but there has been such a fashion to joke about the utter stupidity of blonde women here. What about your countries?)
Werner Von Croy
On the first day God created the cow.
God said, "You must go to field with the farmer all day and suffer under
the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer. I will give you
a life span of sixty years." The cow said, "That's a kind of a tough life
you want me to live for sixty years. Let me have twenty years and I'll
give back the other forty."
And God agreed.
On the second day, God created the dog. God said, "Sit all day by the door
of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. I will give
you a life span of twenty years." The dog said, "That's too long to be
barking. Give me ten years and I'll give back the other ten."
So God agreed (sigh).
On the third day God created the monkey. God said, entertain people, do
monkey tricks, make them laugh. I'll give you a twenty year life span."
Monkey said, "How boring, monkey tricks for twenty years? I don't think
Dog gave you back ten, so that's what I'll do too, okay?"
And God agreed again.
On the fourth day God created man. God said, "Eat, sleep, play, have sex,
enjoy. Do nothing, just enjoy, enjoy.
I'll give you twenty years." Man said, "What? Only twenty years? No way
man. Tell you what, I'll take my twenty, and the forty cow gave back, and
the ten dog gave back and the ten monkey gave back. That makes eighty,
"Okay," said God. "You've got a deal."
So that is why for the first twenty years we eat, sleep, play, have sex,
enjoy, and do nothing; for the next forty years we slave in the sun to
support our family; the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain
our grandchildren; and for the last ten years we sit in front of the house
and bark at everybody.
Life has now been explained. http://www.tombraiderforums.com/images/smilies/tongue.gif
That was a good one, Werner!
(This one's not as good, but short enough to type during the scarce time on the library computer)
How do you make a German bark?
"They're handing out free beers over there!"
I told this joke to one of my customers today who is a priest. He says he may use it this weekend.
Three guys from West Virginia die and go to Heaven.
St. Peter tells them if they can explain the meaning of Easter they can get through the Pearly Gates.
The first man says "Easter is easy, you put a tree in the corner and Santa brings you presents!"
St. Peter tells him he's not getting in.
The second man says "Easter is when you make a turkey, eat pumpkin pie and watch football."
St. Peter tells him he's not getting in.
The third man says "A man named Jesus died on the cross for man's sins. After he died he was buried in a tomb and a huge rock was placed in front of it."
"You're close" St. Peter says, "but what is the true meaning of Easter?"
"Well" the third man says, "on the third day, Jesus came back to life, rolled the huge rock away from the tomb entrance, walked outside, saw his shadow and we got six more weeks of winter!
[ 18 April 2003, 01:21: Message edited by: Tabsdad ]
Werner Von Croy
Subject: FW: FW: Two soldiers....
There are two soldiers who have been lost in the desert for weeks, and
they're at death's door. As they stumble on, hoping for salvation in the
form of an oasis or something similar, they suddenly spy, through the heat
haze, a tree off in the distance. As they get closer, they can see that
the tree is draped with rasher upon rasher of bacon. There's smoked bacon,
crispy bacon, life-giving juicy nearly-raw bacon, all sorts.
"Woohoo!" says the first bloke. "It's a bacon tree!!! We're saved!!!"
"You're right!" says the second. So he goes on ahead and runs up to the tree
salivating at the prospect of food. But as he gets to within five feet of
the tree, there's the sound of machine gun fire, and he is shot down in a hail of bullets.
His friend quickly drops down on the sand, and calls across to the dying
soldier. "What on earth happened?" With his dying breath the other calls
out "Ugh, run, run!! It's not a Bacon Tree . . .
It's a Ham Bush"
The Lone Ranger and Tonto ride into town and ride up to a saloon. They walk in and the bartnder tells Tonto that he won't be served.
The Lone Ranger tells Tonto it will be OK, he'll have one drink and be right out.
Tonto get tired of waiting for the now-drunk Ranger and starts running laps around Silver.
Another man rides up to the saloon, ties his horse and looks a Tonto. He shakes his head and goes inside.
He sees the Lone Ranger and asks if that his horse outside.
The drunken Ranger replies "Yeah that's my Horse. What's your problem, buddy?"
The man says "You left your injun running!"
[ 24 April 2003, 23:56: Message edited by: Tabsdad ]
Werner Von Croy
I was sent this so the sentiments at the end aren`t mine http://www.tombraiderforums.com/images/smilies/smile.gif
TWO TOUGH QUESTIONS
If you knew a woman who was pregnant, who had 8 kids already, three who
were deaf, two who were blind, one mentally retarded, and she had syphilis,would
you recommend that she have an abortion?
Read the next question before looking at the answer for this one.
It is time to elect a new world leader, and only your vote counts. Here are
the facts about the three leading candidates.
Candidate A -
Associates with crooked politicians, and consults with astrologists. He's
had two Mistresses. He also chain smokes and drinks 8 to 10 martinis a
Candidate B -
He was kicked out of office twice, sleeps until noon,used opium in college
and drinks a quart of whiskey every evening.
Candidate C -
He is a decorated war hero. He's a vegetarian, doesn't smoke, drinks an
occasional beer and never cheated on his wife.
Which of these candidates would be your choice?
Decide first, no peeking, then scroll down for the answer.
Candidate A is Franklin D. Roosevelt.
Candidate B is Winston Churchill.
Candidate C is Adolph Hitler.
And, by the way, the answer to the abortion question:
If you said yes, you just killed Beethoven.
Remember: Amateurs built the ark. Professionals built the Titanic.
Can you imagine working for a company that has a little more than 500
employees and has the following statistics:
* 29 have been accused of spousal abuse
* 7 have been arrested for fraud
* 19 have been accused of writing bad cheques
* 117 have directly or indirectly bankrupted at least 2 businesses
* 3 have done time for assault
* 71 cannot get a credit card due to bad credit
* 14 have been arrested on drug-related charges
* 8 have been arrested for shoplifting
* 21 are currently defendants in lawsuits
* 84 have been arrested for drunk driving in the last year
Can you guess which organization this is?
Give up yet?...
It's the 535 members of the United States Congress.
The same group of idiots that crank out hundreds of new laws each year
designed to keep the Americans in line.
Dig it...that's some heavy s@#t.
Wonder who this was :D
The other night I was invited out for a night
with "the girls." I told my husband that I would be home by midnight, "I promise!" Well, the hours passed and the champagne was going down way too easy. Around 3 a.m., drunk as a skunk, I headed for home. Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed 3 times. Quickly, realizing he'd probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9 times. I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution (even when smashed), in order to escape a possible conflict with him. The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, and I told him 12:00. He didn't seem disturbed at all. Whew! Got away with that one. Then he said, "We need a new cuckoo clock." When I asked him why, he said,
"Well, last night our clock cuckooed three
times, then said, "oh ****," cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat,
cuckooed another 3 times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the cat and farted.
Two Cowboys from Montana walk into a roadhouse to wash the trail dust
from their throats. They stand at the bar, talking quietly about beef
Suddenly a woman at a table behind them, who has been eating a
sandwich, begins to cough. After a minute or so it becomes apparent that she is
in real distress, and the cowboys turn to look at her. "Kin ya swaller?"
asks one of the cowboys
"No", signals the woman, desperately shaking her head.
"Kin ya breathe?" asks the other.
The woman, beginning to turn a bit blue, shakes her head "No" again.
The first cowboy walks over to her, lifts her skirt and slowly runs
his tongue up and down her left butt cheek. This shocks the woman to a
violent spasm, the obstruction flies out of her mouth and she begins to
The cowboy walks back to the bar and proudly takes a sip of his beer.
His partner says in admiration.... "Ya know, I'd heard of that there
Hind Lick Maneuver, but I ain't never seed nobody do it."
Werner Von Croy
This is a classic saddam does eminem
Werner Von Croy
Bush got a coded message from Saddam.
It read: 370HSSV-0773H
Bush was stumped and sent for the CIA. The CIA was stumped too, so it went to the NSA.
The NSA couldn't solve it either, so they asked Bill Clinton.
He suggested turning it upside down ...
Subject: FW: New Iraqi Towns
Now that American Aircraft and Military have reorganized Iraq landscape,
US intelligence has discovered that they have renamed some of their towns.
These new names include:
Werner Von Croy
So this dog walks into the bakers with a basket in his mouth. In the basket is a shopping list, some money and a note from the owner asking the
assistant to put the food in the basket and take the money.
The assistant does as the note instructs and the dog leaves the shop with the basket
full of food. The next week the same thing happens, the dog comes in, gets the
basket filled and leaves.
The same thing goes on every week for another
three weeks and the assistant is dying from curiosity, so one afternoon decides to follow the dog.
Having filled the basket as usual, the
assistant waits for the dog to leave, grabs her coat and follows the animal from a
The dog crosses the railway line, goes a couple of blocks into a local estate, round a corner and up to the door of a house. Then he
lifts up a paw to ring the bell.
A couple of minutes later this guy comes
to the door, grabs the basket and boots the dog right across the yard, slamming the door behind him.
The assistant is outraged at this behaviour and decides to act. She goes up to the door and when the man answers, demands an explanation for such cruelty.
"Look lady," the man responds, "it's quite simple. This bloody dog has got to learn, that's the second time this month he's forgotten his keys!"
Werner Von Croy
Last one for now, i promise!!
Thank God for church ladies with typewriters. These sentences
actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced in church services:
1. Bertha Belch, a missionary from Africa, will be speaking tonight
at Calvary Methodist. Come hear Bertha Belch all the way from Africa.
2. Announcement in a church bulletin for a national PRAYER & FASTING Conference: The cost for attending the Fasting and Prayer conference includes meals.
3. The sermon this morning: Jesus Walks on the Water. The sermon tonight: Searching for Jesus.
4. Our youth basketball team is back in action Wednesday at 8 PM in
the recreation hall. Come out and watch us kill Christ the King.
5. Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of
those things not worth keeping around the house. Don't forget your
6. The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been cancelled due
7. Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community.
8. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say hell to someone who
doesn't care much about you.
9. Don't let worry kill you - let the Church help.
10. Miss Charlene Mason sang I will not pass this way again, giving
obvious pleasure to the congregation.
11. For those of you who have children and donít know it, we have a
12. Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all
the help they can get.
13. Barbara remains in the hospital and needs blood donors for more transfusions. She is also having trouble sleeping and requests tapes of Pastor Jackís sermons.
14. During the absence of our Pastor, we enjoyed the rare privilege of hearing a good sermon when J.F. Stubbs supplied our pulpit.
15. The Rector will preach his farewell message after which the choir
will sing Break Forth into Joy.
16. Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the
church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
17. A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.
18. At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What is
Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.
19. Eight new choir robes are currently needed, due to the addition
of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
20. Scouts are saving aluminium cans, bottles, and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
21. The Lutheran men's group will meet at 6 P.M. Steak, mashed potatoes, green beans, bread and dessert will be served for a nominal feel.
22. Please place your donation in the envelope along with the
deceased person you want remembered.
23. Attend and you will hear an excellent speaker and heave a healthy lunch.
24. The church will host an evening of fine dining, superb entertainment, and gracious hostility.
25. Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 P.M. - prayer and medication to follow.
26. The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind.
They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
27. This evening at 7 P.M. there will be a hymn sing in the park
across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
28. Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10. All
ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B.S. is done.
29. Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.
30. The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the
Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The Congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
31. Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian
Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance
32. Mrs. Johnson will be entering the hospital this week for testes.
33. The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.
34. The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday: I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours.
35. Our next song is Angels We Have Heard Get High.
Q: What's the difference between Men and ET??
A: ET called home!
Old one, I know, but it's still funny! :D
Only sharing this cuz my chap and my colleague are both dyslexic, and my colleague told me the joke!
Two dyslexic bank robbers go into a bank and say
'air in the hands you motherstickers this is a f**k up!'
Teacher is in class with her 10 year olds..
"Now Children, who can give me a sentance with the word "Contagious" in it?"
Little Mary at the front says "My little brother has Chicken Pox and the Doctor says that it's contagious"
"Very good Mary, anyone else?" replies the teacher.
Little Fanny at the front says "My little sister has the Measles and the Doctor says it's highly contagious"
"Good" says teacher "lets have one more"
Little Johhny at the back says "The other day, I went for a walk with my dad, and we saw our next door neighbour who my dad doesnt like. He painting his garage door with a tiny little brush and my dad said it would take that c*nt ages"
Werner Von Croy
This isn`t a joke as such but proves that chemists have a sense of humour
[ 04. June 2003, 19:57: Message edited by: Werner Von Croy ]
As I seem to be deemed as Mr Unpopular at the moment (my rating has gone down and people ignore my posts) I'm trying to redeem myself here..... So listen to this one.....
Why did the Chicken cross the football field???? :confused: Because the referee blew for a foul!!! :D
Three tomatoes are running across the desert, which ones the cowboy???? :confused: None of 'em there all red skins!!! :D
In Greek mythology who was half animal and half man???? :confused: Buffalo Bill!!!! :D
Gee, I wasn't aware of you're unpopularity! Last I remember you were bring reinforcements to the war effort. Don't see how that could make you unpopular (except maybe with TRLE!) :D
Werner Von Croy
Got a couple more for ya
...why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?
...why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed?
...why you don't ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?
...why "abbreviated" is such a long word?
...why doctors call what they do "practice"?
why you have to click on "Start" to stop Windows 98?
why lemon juice is made with artificial flavor, while dishwashing liquid is made with real lemons?
...why the man who invests all your money is called a broker?
...why there isn't mouse-flavored cat food?
who tastes dog food when it has a "new & improved" flavor?
...why Noah didn't swat those two mosquitoes?
...why they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
...why they don't make the whole plane out of the material used for the indestructible black box ?
...why sheep don't shrink when it rains?
...why they are called apartments when they are all stuck together?
...if con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
...why they call the airport "the terminal" if flying is so safe?
In case you need further proof that the human race is doomed because of stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods.
On a Myer hairdryer: Do not use while sleeping. (darn, and that's the only time I have to work on my hair).
On a bag of Chips: You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside. (the shoplifter special?)
On a bar of Palmolive soap: "Directions: Use like regular soap." (and that would be how???....)
On some frozen dinners: "Serving suggestion: Defrost." (but, it's "just" a suggestion).
On Nanna's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom): "Do not turn upside down." (well...duh, a bit late, huh)!
On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding: "Product will be hot after heating." (...and you thought????...)
On packaging for a K-Mart iron: "Do not iron clothes on body." (but wouldn't this save me more time?)
On Boot's Children Cough Medicine:"Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication." (We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5-year-olds with head-colds off those forklifts.)
On Nytol Sleep Aid: "Warning: May cause drowsiness." (and...I'm taking this because???....)
On most brands of Christmas lights: "For indoor or outdoor use only." (as opposed to...what?)
On a Japanese food processor: "Not to be used for the other use." (now, somebody out there, help me on this. I'm a bit curious.)
On Nobby's peanuts: "Warning: contains nuts." (talk about a news flash!)
On an American Airlines packet of nuts: "Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts." (Step 3: maybe, uh...fly Delta?)
I don't blame the company. I blame the parents for this one: On a child's superman costume: "Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly."
On a Swedish chainsaw: "Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals."
(...was there a lot of this happening somewhere?)
Werner Von Croy
Sharp retort #1
A stewardess was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets. As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket, and he opened his coat and flashed her. Without missing a beat she said, "Sir, I need to see your ticket, not your stub."
Sharp retort #2
A lady was picking through the frozen chickens at the supermarket, but
couldn't find one big enough for her family.
She asked the shelf stacker, "Do these chickens get any bigger?"
He replied, "No madam, they're dead."
Sharp Retort #3
The policeman got out of his car and the lad who was stopped for speeding
rolled down his window. "I've been waiting for you all day," the policeman said.
The lad replied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could." When the
policeman finally stopped laughing, he sent the lad on his way without a
Sharp Retort #4
A lorry driver was driving along. A sign comes up that reads "low bridge
ahead." Before he knows it the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets
stuck under the bridge. Cars are backed up for miles. Finally, a police
car arrives. The policeman gets out of his car and walks around to the
lorry driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, "Got stuck?"
The lorry driver says, "No mate, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of petrol."
Sharp Retort #5
A university lecturer reminds her students of tomorrow's final exam. "Now, I
won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider
a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury or illness, or a death in your
immediate family but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever are acceptable!"
A smarty-pants bloke in the back of the room raised his hand and asks, "What
would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter
sexual exhaustion?" The entire class does its best to stifle their laughter.
When silence is restored, the lecturer smiles sympathetically at the
student, shakes her head, and sweetly says, "Well, I suppose you'd have to write the exam with your other hand."
Werner Von Croy
This is the last one ,good for all those of you who have had trouble with a bank.
i have another one where a trickster conned the tannoy at Heathrow airport into reading out fictitious names which sounded like something else then recorded the messages.Maybe another time! http://www.tombraiderforums.com/images/smilies/mischievous.gif
Below is an actual letter sent to a Bank. The Bank Manager thought it
amusing enough to have it published in the Guardian Newspaper:
I am writing to thank you for bouncing my cheque with which I endeavoured
to pay my plumber last month. By my calculations some three nanoseconds
must have elapsed between his presenting the cheque and the arrival in my
account of the funds needed to honour it. I refer, of course, to the
automatic monthly deposit of my entire salary, an arrangement which, I
admit, has only been in place for eight years. You are to be commended for
seizing that brief window of opportunity, and also for debiting my account
£50 by way of penalty for the inconvenience I caused to your bank. My
thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has caused me
to rethink my errant financial ways. You have set me on the path of fiscal
righteousness. No more will our relationship be blighted by these
unpleasant incidents, for I am restructuring my affairs in 2003, taking as
my model the procedures, attitudes and conduct of your very bank. I can
think of no greater compliment and I know you will be excited and proud to
hear it. To this end, please be advised about the following changes:
I have noticed that whereas I personally attend to your telephone calls
and letters, when I try to contact you, I am confronted by the impersonal,
ever-changing, pre-recorded, faceless entity which your bank has become.
From now on I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh-and-blood
person. My mortgage and loan repayments will, therefore and hereafter, no
longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank, by cheque, addressed
personally and confidentially to an employee at your branch whom you must
nominate. You will be aware that it is an offence under the Postal Act for
any other person to open such an envelope. Please find attached an
Application Contact Status which I require your chosen employee to
complete. I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that I know as
much about him or her as your bank knows about me, there is no
alternative. Please note that all copies of his or her medical history
must be countersigned by a Notary Public, and the mandatory details of
his/her financial situation (income, debts, assets and liabilities) must
be accompanied by documented proof. In due course I will issue your
employee with a PIN number which he/she must quote in dealings with me. I
regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have
modelled it on the number of button presses required to access my account
balance on your phone bank service. As they say, imitation is the
sincerest form of flattery.
Let me level the playing field even further by introducing you to my new
telephone system, which you will notice, is very much like yours. My
Authorised Contact at your bank, the only person with whom I will have any
dealings, may call me at any time and will be answered by an automated
voice service: Press buttons as follows:
1. To make an appointment to see me.
2. To query a missing payment.
3. To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there.
4. To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping.
5. To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature.
6. To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home.
7. To leave a message on my computer, a password to access my computer is
required. Password will be communicated at a later date to the Authorised
8. To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1 through 9.
9. To make a general complaint or inquiry.
The contact will then be put on hold, pending the attention of my
automated answering service. While this may on occasion involve a lengthy
wait, uplifting music will play for the duration of the call. This month
I've chosen a refrain from "The Best of Woodie Guthrie:
Oh, the banks are made of marble,
With a guard at every door,
And the vaults are filled with silver,
That the miners sweated for."
On a more serious note, we come to the matter of cost. As your bank has
often pointed out, the ongoing drive for greater efficiency comes at a
cost which you have always been quick to pass on to me. Let me repay your
kindness by passing some costs back. First, there is a matter of
advertising material you send me. This I will read for a fee of £20 per
page. Inquiries from the Authorised Contact will be billed at £5 per
minute of my time spent in response. Any debits to my account, as, for
example, in the matter of the penalty for the dishonoured cheque, will be
passed back to you. My new phone service runs at 75p a minute. You will be
well advised to keep your inquiries brief and to the point. Regrettably,
but again following your example, I must also levy an establishment fee to
cover the setting up of this new arrangement. May I wish you a happy, if
ever-so-slightly less prosperous, New Year?
Your Humble Client, (Name Withheld)
Werner Von Croy --> I think a woman actually castrated her husband because he cheated on her(!) For her defence she claimed: "I was only trying to stop the chain..." *go figure...*
Think it was about five years ago...
Can you say "Ouch"?????? :rolleyes:
Werner Von Croy
The Pig Drawing Personality Test
The best part about this is that you can forward it round your office and then laugh at everyones **** drawings. We are thinking about setting up a small pig art gallery in the corner of the office here.
Don't cheat by reading the whole thing first. It is hysterical if you do it right!
Get a blank piece of paper , draw a picture of a whole pig on it, not just the head , just a basic drawing though , don't spend too long on it .
DRAW THE PIG BEFORE YOU GO ON.
IF YOU DON'T THE TEST WILL NOT WORK!!
DRAW THE PIG FIRST
HAVE YOU DONE THE DRAWING??
IF NOT, DO IT NOW
IT IS REALLY FUNNY IF YOU DO IT RIGHT!
OK' NOW TO THE INTERESTING STUFF.........
The pig serves as a useful test of the personality traits
of the drawer.
∑ If the pig is drawn to the top of the paper , you are positive and optimistic.
Toward the middle , you are realistic.
Toward the bottom, you are pessimistic , and have a tendency to behave negatively .
∑ Facing left, you believe in tradition, are friendly, and remember dates(birthdays, etc.)
Facing right , you are innovative and active , but don't have a strong sense of family , nor do you always remember dates .
Facing front (looking at you ), you are direct, enjoy playing devil's advocate and neither fear nor avoid discussions .
∑ With lots of details , you are analytical, cautious , and distrustful.
With few details, you are emotional and naive , you care little for details and are a risk taker .
∑ With less than 4 legs showing , you are insecure or are living through a period of major change .
With 4 legs showing , you are secure, stubborn, and stick to your ideals
If you have drawn more than 4 legs , you are stupid .
∑ The size of the ears indicates how good a listener you are. The bigger the better.
∑ The length of the tail indicates the quality of your s*x life, and once again the longer ,the better.
Ok, who didn't draw a tail?
Say the word COW before each word.
1 - Cows
2 - About
3 - Talking
4 - Idiot
5 - This
6 - Got
7 - I
8 - Long
9 - How
10 - Look
Now say the word COW After each word
1 - Cows
2 - About
3 - Talking
4 - Idiot
5 - This
6 - Got
7 - I
8 - Long
9 - How
10 - Look
Now say the word COW before AND after each word.
1 - Cows
2 - About
3 - Talking
4 - Idiot
5 - This
6 - Got
7 - I
8 - Long
9 - How
10 - Look
Now read just the words upwards from the bottom.
1 - Cows
2 - About
3 - Talking
4 - Idiot
5 - This
6 - Got
7 - I
8 - Long
9 - How
[ 16. June 2003, 21:07: Message edited by: Werner Von Croy ]
Werner Von Croy
I`m giving you my best stuff here but read the one about the railway gauge and the space shuttle!
Who said women were daft !!!!!
Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?
Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.
Woman: Oh, I see.
Officer: Can I see your license please?
Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.
Officer: Don't have one?
Woman: Lost it 4 times for drunk driving.
Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.
Woman: I can't do that.
Officer: Why not?
Woman: I stole this car.
Officer: Stole it?
Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.
Officer: You what?
Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see.
The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the woman and a senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.
Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please!
Woman: Is there a problem sir?
Officer 2: The officer told me that you stole this car and murdered the owner.
Woman: Murdered the owner?
Officer 2: Yes, could you open the trunk of your car, please.
The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.
Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?
Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers.
The officer is quite stunned.
Officer 2: The officer claims that you do not have a driver's license.
The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer. The officer snaps open the clutch purse and examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.
Officer 2: I must admit, ma'am, that I'm confused; the officer told me you didn''t have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered the owner.
Woman: I suppose the lying b*stard told you I was speeding, too.
Does the statement, "We've always done it that way" ring any bells...? The US standard railroad gauge (distance between the rails) is 4 feet, 8.5 inches. That's an exceedingly odd number. Why was that gauge used?
Because that's the way they built them in Britain, and British expatriates built the US Railroads. Why did the British build them like that?
Because the first rail lines were built by the same people who built the pre-railroad tramways, and that's the gauge they used. Why did "they" use that gauge then?
Because the people who built the tramways used the same jigs and tools that they used for building wagons, which used that wheel spacing. Okay! Why did the wagons have that particular odd wheel spacing?
Well, if they tried to use any other spacing, the wagon wheels would break on some of the old, long distance roads in Britain, because that's the spacing of the wheel ruts. So who built those old rutted roads?
Imperial Rome built the first long distance roads in Europe for their legions. The roads have been used ever since. And the ruts in the roads?
Roman war chariots formed the initial ruts, which everyone else had to match for fear of destroying their wagon wheels. Since the chariots were made for Imperial Rome, they were all alike in the matter of wheel spacing. The United States standard railroad gauge of 4 feet, 8.5 inches is derived from the original specifications for an Imperial Roman war chariot. And bureaucracies live forever. So the next time you are handed a spec and told we have always done it that way and wonder what horse's ass came up with that, you may be exactly right, because the Imperial Roman war chariots were made just wide enough to accommodate the back ends of two war horses.
Now the twist to the story.
When you see a Space Shuttle sitting on its launch pad, there are two booster rockets attached to the sides of the main fuel tank. These are solid rocket boosters, or SRBs. The SRBs are made by Thiokol at their factory in Utah. The engineers who designed the SRBs would have preferred to make them a bit fatter, but the SRBs had to be shipped by train from the factory to the launch site. The railroad line from the factory happens to run through a tunnel in the mountains. The SRBs had to fit through that tunnel. The tunnel is slightly wider than the railroad track, and the railroad track, as you now know, is about as wide as two horses' behinds. So, a major Space Shuttle design feature of what is arguably the world's most advanced transportation system was determined over two thousand years ago by the width of a horse's ass.
And you thought being a horse's ass wasn't important!
Werner Von Croy
This one really makes you think. http://www.tombraiderforums.com/images/smilies/privateeye.gif
An interesting turn of fate:
At the 1994 annual awards dinner given for Forensic Science, AAFS President Dr Don Harper Mills astounded his audience with the legal complications of a bizarre death. Here is the story.
On March 23, 1994 the medical examiner viewed the body of Ronald Opus and concluded that he died from a shotgun wound to the head. Mr Opus had jumped from the top of a ten-storey building intending to commit suicide. He left a note to the effect indicating his despondency. As he fell past the ninth floor his life was interrupted by a shotgun blast passing through a window, which killed him instantly. Neither the shooter nor the deceased was aware that a safety net had been installed just below the eighth floor level to protect some building workers and that
Ronald Opus would not have been able to complete his suicide the way he had planned.
"Ordinarily," Dr Mills continued, "A person who sets out to commit suicide and ultimately succeeds, even though the mechanism might not be what he intended, is still defined as committing suicide." That Mr Opus was shot on the way to certain death, but probably would not have been successful because of the safety net, caused the medical examiner to feel that he had a
homicide on his hands.
The room on the ninth floor, where the shotgun blast emanated, was occupied by an elderly man and his wife. They were arguing vigorously and he was threatening her with a shotgun. The man was so upset that when he pulled the trigger he completely missed his wife and the pellets went through the window striking Mr Opus. When one intends to kill subject "A" but kills subject "B" in the attempt, one is guilty of the murder of subject "B." When confronted with the murder charge the old man and his wife were both adamant and both said that they thought the shotgun was unloaded. The old man said it was a long-standing habit to threaten his wife with the unloaded shotgun. He had no intention to murder her. Therefore the killing of Mr Opus appeared to be an
accident; that is, if the gun had been accidentally loaded. The continuing investigation turned up a witness who saw the old couple's son loading the shotgun about six weeks prior to the fatal accident. It transpired that the old lady had cut off her son's financial support and the son, knowing the propensity of his father to use the shotgun threateningly, loaded the gun with the expectation that his father would shoot his mother. Since the loader of the gun was aware of this, he was guilty of the murder even though he didn't actually pull the trigger. The case now
becomes one of murder on the part of the son for the death of Ronald Opus.
Now comes the exquisite twist. Further investigation revealed that the son was, in fact, Ronald Opus. He had become increasingly despondent over the failure of his attempt to engineer his mother's murder. This led him to jump off the ten storey building on March 23rd, only to be killed by a shotgun blast passing through the ninth storey window. The son had actually murdered
himself so the medical examiner closed the case as a suicide.
(A true story from Associated Press, Reported by Kurt Westervelt)
http://www.tombraiderforums.com/images/smilies/jumper.gif http://www.tombraiderforums.com/images/smilies/jumper.gif http://www.tombraiderforums.com/images/smilies/jumper.gif
[ 16. June 2003, 21:17: Message edited by: Werner Von Croy ]
Three squirrels decided that they were missing somthing in their lives so they thought that they would each try three of the main christian churches to see who could become the most fulfilled.
The first one became a baptist and never missed a service. He memorized the bible word for word and spread around his new beliefs to everyone he met. He even became a missionary.
The second squirrel became a mormon. He quit smoking, drinking, even caffeine. He became the head of the youth department and would spend his free time talking to children about the church and forgiveness.
The third squirrel became a catholic and can only be seen in church at Christmas and Easter.
I was raised catholic so it's ok. http://www.tombraiderforums.com/images/smilies/tongue.gif
Good one, Isabella http://www.tombraiderforums.com/images/smilies/jumper.gif
Werner Von Croy
Catholic girls http://www.tombraiderforums.com/images/smilies/wave.gif http://www.tombraiderforums.com/images/smilies/whistle.gif
The following are all replies that women have put on British Child Support Agency forms in the section for listing father's details:
These are genuine excerpts from the forms (names removed).
1. Regarding the identity of the father of my twins, child A was fathered by [name removed]. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of child B, but I believe that he was conceived on the same night.
2. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of my child as I was being sick out of a window when taken unexpectedly from behind. I can provide you with a list of names of men that I think were at the party if this helps.
3. I do not know the name of the father of my little girl. She was conceived at a party [address and date given] where I had unprotected sex with a man I met that night. I do remember that the sex was so good that I fainted. If you do manage to track down the father can you send me his phone number? Thanks.
4. I don't know the identity of the father of my daughter. He drives a BMW that now has a hole made by my stiletto in one of the door panels. Perhaps you can contact BMW service stations in this area and see if he's had it replaced.
5. I have never had sex with a man. I am awaiting a letter from the Pope confirming that my son's conception was immaculate and that he is Christ risen again.
6. I cannot tell you the name of child A's dad as he informs me that to do so would blow his cover and that would have cataclysmic implications for the British economy. I am torn between doing right
by you and right by the country. Please advise.
7. I do not know who the father of my child was as all squaddies look the same to me. I can confirm that he was a Royal Green Jacket.
8. [name given] is the father of child A. If you do catch up with him can you ask him what he did with my AC/DC CDs?
9. From the dates it seems that my daughter was conceived at EuroDisney maybe it really is the Magic Kingdom.
10. So much about that night is a blur. The only thing that I remember for sure is Delia Smith did a programme about eggs earlier in the evening. If I'd have stayed in and watched more TV rather than going to the party at [address given], mine might have remained unfertilised.
Two catholic priets were vacationing in the Carribean.
They wanted to blend in with the rest of the tourists so they bought some regular clothes at a local sporting goods store.
While they were on the beach a beautiful topless blonde walked by and said "hello fathers".The two priests couldn't believe it. They couldn't figure out how she knew they were priests. So they bought more clothes at the store.
Day two. They were relaxing in the sun and the same beautiful topless blonde walked by and again said "hello fathers". Finally they asked her how she knew they were priests. She smiled and said "don't know recognize me? It's me sister Margaret".
What do you get when you drop a piano on an army base?
A flat major
[ 23. June 2003, 03:58: Message edited by: Isabella ]
Went to lunch with a friend today to a new chicken place. We asked how they prepare their chickens.
The answer was, "We just tell them they're going to die."
Two musicans were walking down the street when one asks "Who was that piccolo I saw you with last night"?
The other replied "That was no piccolo, that was my fife".
Four fonts walk into a bar.
The bartender looks up and says "Hey, we don't want your type in here"!
Dyslexic man walks into a bra
http://www.tombraiderforums.com/images/smilies/wave.gif Hi Trinity
What do you get when you cross a Jehovah's Witness with an atheist?
Someone who knocks on your door for no reason at all! http://www.tombraiderforums.com/images/smilies/jumper.gif
Werner Von Croy
From a strictly mathematical viewpoint it goes like this:
What makes 100%?
What does it mean to give MORE than 100%?
Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%?
We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%.
How about achieving 103%?
Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these
What makes up 100%?
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z
can be represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26
Then it follows that:
H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K is 8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%
and K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E is 11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%
But, A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E is 1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%
And, B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T is 21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%
AND, look how far ass kissing will take you:
A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G is 1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%
So, one can then conclude with mathematical certainty that:
While Hard work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get
you there, Bull**** and Ass Kissing will put you over the top.
http://www.tombraiderforums.com/images/smilies/privateeye.gif http://www.tombraiderforums.com/images/smilies/jumper.gif http://www.tombraiderforums.com/images/smilies/pillow.gif
By the way checkout www.talibanreunited.com (http://www.talibanreunited.com)
lmao. that's so true :eek: http://www.tombraiderforums.com/images/smilies/bash.gif http://www.tombraiderforums.com/images/smilies/jumper.gif
[ 24. June 2003, 23:04: Message edited by: laracroft8290 ]
A bloke goes upto a woman in a club, he says "Hi, my name's Bond"
"Don't tell me", she replies, "James Bond?"
"No, UniBond I am here to fill your crack".
Two female friends who had a little bit too much to drink were on their way home when they were caught short. They happened to be near a graveyard so one of them suggested that they go behind a headstone or something. Since they had no paper, one of them thought she would use her underwear and then throw them away. The other woman had some expensive underwear and she didn't want to get rid of them. Instead she used a large ribbon from a wreath on one of the headstones.
They then made their way back home. The next day one woman's husband phoned the other husband and said "We had better keep an eye on our wives you know, mine came home last night without her underwear". "That's nothing" said the other "Mine came back with a card stuck between her http://www.tombraiderforums.com/images/smilies/silent.gif that said "From all the guys at the Firestation. We'll never forget you".
OMG Isabella! ROTFLMAO! :D :D :D
Three nuns die and go to heaven where they are met at the gates by Saint Peter. He says "Sisters, you have all led such good lives that I am going to allow all of you to return to Earth for 6 months as anyone you want to be."
The first nun says "I want to be Sophia Loren;"
and *poof* she is gone.
The second nun says "I want to be Madonna;" and *poof* she is gone.
The third nun says "I want to be Sara Pipalini."
St. Peter looks perplexed, "Who?" he says.
"Sara Pipalini." replies the nun.
The nun takes a newspaper out of her habit and hands it to St. Peter.
He reads the paper and starts laughing. He hands it back to her and says...
"No sister, the paper says it was the 'Sahara Pipeline that was laid by 1,400 men in six monthes."
This one's unbearably punny.
A Russian scientist and a Czechoslovakian scientist had spent their lives studying the grizzly bear. Each year they petitioned their respective governments to allow them to go to Yellowstone to study the bears.
Finally their request was granted, and they immediately flew to NY and on west to Yellowstone. They reported to the ranger station and were told that it was the grizzly mating season and it was too dangerous to go out and study the animals. They pleaded that this was their only chance, and finally the ranger relented. The Russian and the Czech were given portable phones and told to report in every day. For several days they called in, and then nothing was heard from the two scientists.
The rangers mounted a search party and found the camp completely ravaged, with no sign of the missing men. They followed the trail of a male and a female bear. They found the female and decided they must kill the animal to find out if she had eaten the scientists because they feared an international incident. They killed the female animal and opened the stomach to find the remains of the Russian. One ranger turned to the other and said,
"You know what this means, don't you?"
The other ranger responded, "Of course..."
"The Czech is in the male."
Another bear joke...
A Polar Bear goes into a restaurant and says, "Can I have a hamburger and .................................................. .................................................. .................................................. .............................. .................................................. .................................................. .................................................. .............................. .................................................. .................................................. .................................................. .............................. .................................................. .................................................. .......................fries, please?"
The barman serves him and says, "Why the large pause?"
Polar Bear says, "Don't know, I've always had them"
http://www.tombraiderforums.com/images/smilies/clown.gif lol http://www.tombraiderforums.com/images/smilies/clown.gif
Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina. One went to Hollywood and became a famous actor. The other stayed behind in the cotton fields and never amounted to much. The second one, naturally, became known as the lesser of two weevils.
Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused his dentist's Novocaine during root canal work? He wanted to transcend dental medication. http://www.tombraiderforums.com/images/smilies/yikes.gif
A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Amal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his mom. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responds, "But they are twins - if you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal." :rolleyes:
A litte boy goes up to his dad and asks "What is Politics?"
His dad says "Well son, let me try and explain it this way: I'm the head of the family, so call me the President. Your mother is the administrator of the money, so we call her the Government. We're here to take care of all your needs, so we'll call you the People. The nanny, we'll consider her the Working Class and your baby brother, we'll call him the Future. Now think about that and see if it makes sense."
So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what his dad had said. Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper. So the little boy goes to his parents' room and finds his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her up, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed.
The next morning, the little boy says to his father "Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now."
The father says, "Good, son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about."
The little boy replies "The President is screwing the Working Class. While the Government is sound asleep. The People are being ignored and the Future is in deep http://www.tombraiderforums.com/images/smilies/silent.gif ."
That about sums it up! :D
Werner Von Croy
A man was sick and tired of going to work every day while his wife stayed home. He wanted her to see what he went through so he prayed:
I go to work every day and put in 8 hours while my wife merely stays at home I want her to know what I go through, so please allow her body to switch with mine for a day. Amen.
God, in His infinite wisdom, granted the man's wish.
The next morning, sure enough, the man awoke as a woman. He arose, cooked breakfast for his mate, awakened the kids, set our their school clothes, fed them breakfast, packed their lunches, drove them to school, came home and picked up the dry cleaning, took it to the cleaners and stopped at the bank to make a deposit, went grocery shopping, then drove home to put away the groceries, pay! the bills and balance the check book. He cleaned the cat's litter box and bathed the dog.
Then it was already 1.00 pm and he hurried to make the beds, do the laundry, vacuum, dust, and sweep and mop the kitchen floor. Ran to the school to pick up the kids and got into an argument with them on the way home.
Set out cookies and milk and got the kids organized to do their homework, then set up the ironing board and watched TV while he did the ironing. At 4.30pm he began peeling potatoes and washing vegetables for salad, breaded the pork chops and snapped fresh beans for supper. After supper he cleaned the kitchen, ran the dishwasher, folded laundry, bathed the kids, and put them to bed. At 9.00pm he was exhausted and, though his daily chores weren't finished, he went to bed where he was expected to make love which he managed to get through without complaint.
The next morning he awoke and immediately knelt by the bed and said, "Lord, I don't know what I was thinking. I was so wrong to envy my wife's being able to stay home all day. Please, oh please, let us trade back."
The Lord, in His infinite wisdom, replied, "My son, I feel you have learned your lesson and I will be happy to change things to the way they were.
You'll just have to wait nine months, though. You got pregnant last night."
Voted Women's favourite Email of the Year.
Commenting on a complaint from a Mr. Arthur
Purdey about a large gas bill,a spokesman for NorthWest Gas said
"We agree it was rather high for the time of year.
It's possible Mr. Purdey has been charged for the gas used up during the explosion that destroyed his house."
(The Daily Telegraph)
Irish police are being handicapped in a search
for a stolen van, because they cannot issue a description.
It's a special branch vehicle and they don't want the public to know what it looks like.
Two Videos are for sale - Which to Buy? The one about the Titanic or The
TITANIC VIDEO and the CLINTON VIDEO both are 9.99 on Internet
Both are three hours long......
TITANIC VIDEO: The story of Jack and Rose, their
forbidden love, and subsequent catastrophe.
CLINTON VIDEO: The story of Bill and Monica, their
forbidden love, and subsequent catastrophe.
TITANIC VIDEO: Jack is a starving artist
CLINTON VIDEO: Bill is a bullsh*t artist
TITANIC VIDEO: In one scene, Jack enjoys a good cigar
CLINTON VIDEO: So does Bill
TITANIC VIDEO: During ordeal, Rose's dress gets ruined
CLINTON VIDEO: And Monica's does too.
TITANIC VIDEO: Jack teaches Rose to spit
CLINTON VIDEO: Let's not go there
TITANIC VIDEO: Rose gets to keep her jewellery
CLINTON VIDEO: Monica's forced to return her gifts
TITANIC VIDEO: Rose remembers Jack for the rest of her life
CLINTON VIDEO: Clinton doesn't remember Jack
TITANIC VIDEO: Rose goes down on a vessel full of seamen
CLINTON VIDEO: Monica...uh, never mind
TITANIC VIDEO: Jack surrenders to an icy death
CLINTON VIDEO: Bill goes home to Hillary ...basically the same thing
Mosquito repellents don't repel. They hide you. The spray blocks the
mosquito's sensors so they don't know you're there.
Dentists have recommended that a toothbrush be kept at least 6 feet
away from a toilet to avoid airborne particles resulting from the
The liquid inside young coconuts can be used as substitute for blood
No piece of paper can be folded in half more than 7 times.
Donkeys kill more people annually than plane crashes.
You burn more calories sleeping than you do watching television.
Oak trees do not produce acorns until they are fifty years of age or
The first product to have a bar code was Wrigley's gum.
The king of hearts is the only king without a moustache.
A Boeing 747s wingspan is longer than the Wright brother's first
American Airlines saved $40,000 in 1987 by eliminating 1 olive from
each salad served in first-class.
Venus is the only planet that rotates clockwise.
Apples, not caffeine, are more efficient at waking you up in the
The plastic things on the end of shoelaces are called aglets.
Most dust particles in your house are made from dead skin.
The first owner of the Marlboro Company died of lung cancer.
Michael Jordan makes more money from Nike annually than all of the Nike
factory workers in Malaysia combined.
Marilyn Monroe had six toes.
All US Presidents have worn glasses. Some just didn't like being seen
wearing them in public.
Walt Disney was afraid of mice.
Pearls melt in vinegar.
Thirty-five percent of the people who use personal ads for dating are
The three most valuable brand names on earth: Marlboro, Coca-Cola, and
Budweiser, in that order.
It is possible to lead a cow upstairs...but not downstairs.
A duck's quack doesn't echo, and no one knows why.
The reason firehouses have circular stairways is from the days when the
engines were pulled by horses. The horses were stabled on the ground
floor and figured out how to walk up straight staircases.
Richard Millhouse Nixon was the first US president whose name contains
all the letters from the word `criminal.`
The second was William Jefferson Clinton.
Turtles can breathe through their butts.
Butterflies taste with their feet.
In 10 minutes, a hurricane releases more energy than all of the world's
nuclear weapons combined.
On average, 100 people choke to death on ball-point pens every year.
On average people fear spiders more than death.
Ninety percent of New York City cabbies are recently arrived
Elephants are the only animals that can't jump.
Only one person in two billion will live to be 116 or older.
Women blink nearly twice as much as men.
It's physically impossible for you to lick your elbow.
The Main Library at Indiana University sinks over an inch every year
because when it was built, engineers failed to take into account the
weight of all the books that would occupy the building.
A snail can sleep for three years.
No word in the English language rhymes with `MONTH.`
Average life span of a major league baseball: 7 pitches.
Our eyes are always the same size from birth, but our nose and ears
never stop growing. SCARY!!!
The electric chair was invented by a dentist.
All polar bears are left handed.
In ancient Egypt, priests plucked EVERY hair from their bodies,
including their eyebrows and eyelashes.
An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
TYPEWRITER is the longest word that can be made using the letters only
on one row of the keyboard.
Go,` is the shortest complete sentence in the English language.
A crocodile cannot stick its tongue out.
The cigarette lighter was invented before the match.
Americans on average eat 18 acres of pizza every day.
Almost everyone who reads this will try to lick their elbow.
Originally posted by Werner Von Croy:
Apples, not caffeine, are more efficient at waking you up in the morning.Maybe all you caffeine addicts need to eat apples in the morning. :D
Here's another joke..
A Blonde Goes to the Library?
Once a blonde went to the library to get a book. A few days later, she returns and says to librarian at the counter, "This book was very boring. It had too many characters and too many numbers, so i would like to return it."
The librarian says to the other librarian, "So here is the person who took our phone book!"
Blonde in Disguise
There was a blonde who was tired of all the blonde jokes going around and decided to dye her hair brown. She then went for a drive in the country and came upon a shepherd herding his sheep across the road.
"Hey, shepherd! If I guess how many sheep there are here, can I keep one?" The shepherd is puzzled but agrees. Out of the blue, she blurts out "352!" He is stunned but keeps his word and allows her to pick out a sheep. She picks out the cutest one.
He looks at her and says "If I guess what color your hair really is, can I have my dog back?"
a mans driving down a motor way, and he sees a TOLL both approaching, unforntuanatly he does not stop in time and knocks the booth over, it smashes to the ground, oh dear he says, i better call motorway maintenance, half hour later a guy turns up, and pulls from his pocket a small tube of white paste, and covers the shattered remains of the booth with it........Suddenly the shattered booth flys back to geather, and is once again perfect condition, the Driver asks the maintenace man what the amazing stuff he used was, and he say 'Oh, its just Collgate BOOTH paste' :D
:rolleyes: http://www.tombraiderforums.com/images/smilies/bash.gif http://www.tombraiderforums.com/images/smilies/tongue.gif
Not quite a joke, but worthy of a post.
This is no way to fly!!!
I'm not inclined to sent off all the little bits I get, but this one rose above the pack and I hope you laugh out loud like I did.
All too rarely, airline attendants make an effort to make the in-flight safety lecture" and their other announcements a bit more entertaining. Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported: (they saved the best for last so read them all!!)
On a Continental Flight with a very"senior" flight attendant crew, the pilot said, "Ladies and gentlemen, we've reached cruising altitude and will be turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and to enhance the appearance of your flight attendants."
On landing the stewardess said,"Please be sure to take all your belongings. If you're going to leave anything, please make sure it's something we'd like to have."
"There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane."
"Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."
As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Washington National, a lone voice came over the loudspeaker: Whoa, big fella. WHOA!"
After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced, "Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as hell everything has shifted."
"In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with more than one small child... pick your favorite."
"Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but we'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines."
And from the pilot during his welcome message: "Delta Airlines is pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry. Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight!"
Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in Salt Lake City: The flight attendant came on the intercom and said, "That was quite a bump, and I know what y'all are thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight attendant's fault . . . it was the asphalt!"
Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing:
"We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the
Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement:"We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of U.S. Airways."
A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom, Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293, nonstop from NewYork to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now, sit back and relax - OH, MY GOD!" Silence followed and after a few minutes, the captain came back on the intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier; but, while Iwas talking, the flight attendant brought me a cup of coffee and spilled the hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!"
A passenger in Coach said,
"That's nothing. He should see the back of mine!"
Werner Von Croy
NEW COMPANY POLICY:-
This is our new IT strategy; all laptops will be disposed of by October 2003 and all desktops computers by Xmas 2003 as a part of the ongoing cost-cutting around the company.
Instead, everyone will be provided with an Etch-A-Sketch. There are many sound reasons for doing this :
1. No boot-up problems
2. No technical glitches keeping work from being done.
3. No more wasted time reading and writing emails.
4. No more worries about power cuts.
5. Budget savings on Upgrades unparalleled
Frequently Asked Questions from the Etch-A-Sketch Help Desk:
Q: My Etch-A-Sketch has all of these funny little lines all over the screen.
A: Pick it up and shake it.
Q: How do I turn my Etch-A-Sketch off?
A: Pick it up and shake it.
Q: What's the shortcut for Undo?
A: Pick it up and shake it.
Q: How do I create a New Document window?
A: Pick it up and shake it.
Q: How do I set the background and foreground to the same colour?
A: Pick it up and shake it.
Q: What is the proper procedure for rebooting my Etch-A-Sketch?
A: Pick it up and shake it.
Q: How do I delete a document on my Etch-A Sketch?
A: Pick it up and shake it.
Q: How do I save my Etch-A-Sketch document?
A: Don't shake it
If you have any further queries, please feel free to contact the IT department.
Q: Queries??? http://www.tombraiderforums.com/images/smilies/yikes.gif
A: Pick it up and shake it. :D
Werner Von Croy
Werner Von Croy
Hi Elen http://www.tombraiderforums.com/images/smilies/hug.gif
It`s been busy round here lately http://www.tombraiderforums.com/images/smilies/bash.gif
Thanks God we have you here. You really cheer us up with your posts :D
Werner Von Croy
I`ll try to keep them coming. http://www.tombraiderforums.com/images/smilies/clown.gif
The mods and admins do a great job,we`re just going through a bad patch at the moment. :(
Busy day tomorrow so i`ll need to go.You take care of yourself http://www.tombraiderforums.com/images/smilies/cutie.gif try not to let it get you down.
nite nite http://www.tombraiderforums.com/images/smilies/wave.gif
Bad patch indeed... http://www.tombraiderforums.com/images/smilies/privateeye.gif
Werner Von Croy
Werner Von Croy
Here`s a quick one to bump this back up.
Werner Von Croy
Sorry about that, seems i forgot the joke.
The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his
house and laying up supplies for the winter. The grasshopper thinks he's a fool
and laughs and dances and plays the summer away.
Come winter, the ant is warm and well fed. The grasshopper has no food
or shelter so he dies out in the cold.
MORAL OF THE STORY: Be responsible for yourself!
The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his
house and laying up supplies for the winter. The grasshopper thinks he's a fool
and laughs and dances and plays the summer away.
Come winter, the shivering grasshopper calls a press conference and demands to know why the ant should be allowed to be warm and well fed while others are cold and starving.
CBS, NBC, and ABC show up to provide pictures of the shivering grasshopper next
to a video of the ant in his comfortable home with a table filled with food.
America is stunned by the sharp contrast.
How can this be, that in a country of such wealth, this poor grasshopper is allowed to suffer so?
Kermit the Frog appears on Oprah with the grasshopper, and everybody cries when they sing
"It's Not Easy Being Green."
Jesse Jackson stages a demonstration in front of the ant's house where the news stations film the group singing "We shall overcome". Jesse then has the group kneel down to pray to God for the grasshopper's sake.
Tom Daschle / Walter Mondale exclaim in an interview with Peter Jennings that the ant has gotten rich off the back of the grasshopper, and both call for an immediate tax hike on the ant to make him pay his "fair share".
Finally, the EEOC drafts the "Economic Equity and Anti-Grasshopper Act", retroactive to the beginning of the summer. The ant is fined for failing to hire a proportionate number of green bugs and, having nothing left to pay
his retroactive taxes, his home is confiscated by the government.
Hillary gets her old law firm to represent the grasshopper in a defamation suit against the ant, and the case is tried before a panel of federal judges that Bill appointed from a list of single-parent welfare recipients. The ant
loses the case.
The story ends as we see the grasshopper finishing up the last bits of the ant's food while the government house he is in, which just happens to be the ant's old house, crumbles around him because he doesn't maintain it.
The ant has disappeared in the snow.
The grasshopper is found dead in a drug related incident and the house, now abandoned, is taken over by a gang of spiders who terrorize the once peaceful neighborhood.
MORAL OF THE STORY: Vote Republican
Werner Von Croy
Some deep and meaningful thoughts to ponder this week :-
1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me for the path is narrow. In fact, just **** off and leave me alone.
2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a flat tyre.
3. The darkest hour is just before dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbour's milk, that's the time to do it.
4. S@x is like air. It's not important unless you aren't getting any.
5. Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
6. No one is listening until you fart.
7. Always remember you're unique. Just like everyone else.
8. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
9. If you think nobody cares whether you're alive or dead, try missing a couple of mortgage repayments.
10. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.
11. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
12. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
13. If you lend someone £20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.
14. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.
15. Some days you are the bug; some days you are the windscreen.
16. Don't worry; it only seems kinky the first time.
17. Good judgment comes from bad experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.
18. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.
19. A closed mouth gathers no foot.
20. Duct tape is like the Force. It has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together.
21. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.
22. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving.
23. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
24. Never miss a good chance to shut up.
Are you tired of all those mushy "friendship" poems that always sound good but never actually come close to reality? Well, here is a "friendship" poem that really speaks to true friendship and truth itself!
When you are sad... I will get you drunk and help you plot revenge against the sorry b****** who made you sad.
When you are blue... I'll try to dislodge whatever is choking you.
When you smile... I'll know you finally got a s***.
When you are scared... I will take the p*** every
chance I get.
When you are worried... I will tell you horrible
stories about how much worse it could be and to shut up.
When you are confused... I will use little words to explain it to you.
When you are sick... stay away from me until you're well again. I don't want to catch it.
When you fall... I will point and laugh at you.
This is my oath... I pledge till the end.
Why you may ask? Because you're my friend!
Send this poem to five of your friends or else you will get depressed because you realize you only have two friends, and one of them is not speaking to you right now anyway.
PS. A friend will help you move house. A really good friend will help you move a body.
Werner Von Croy
The SAS, the Parachute Regiment and the Police decide to go on a survival weekend together to see who comes out on top. After some basic exercises the trainer tells them that their next objective is to go down into the woods and catch a rabbit for their supper, returning with it ready to skin and cook.
First up - the SAS. They don infrared goggles, drop to the ground and crawl into the woods in formation. Absolute silence for 5 minutes, followed by the unmistakable muffled "phut-phut" of their trademark silenced "double-tap". They emerge with a large rabbit shot cleanly between the eyes. "Excellent!" remarks the trainer.
Next up - the Para's. They finish their cans of lager, smear themselves with camouflage cream, fix bayonets and charge down into the woods, screaming at the top of their lungs. For the next hour the woods ring with the sound of rifle and machine-gun fire, hand grenades, mortar bombs and blood curdling war cries. Eventually they emerge, carrying the charred remains of a rabbit. "A bit messy, but you achieved the aim; well done", says the trainer.
Lastly, in go the coppers, walking slowly, hands behind backs whistling Dixon of Dock Green. For the next few hours, the silence is only broken by the occasional crackle of a walkie-talkie "Sierra Lima Whisky Tango Fanta One, suspect headed straight for you..." etc.
After what seems an eternity, they emerge escorting a squirrel in handcuffs.
"What the hell do you think you are doing?" asks the incredulous trainer, "Take this squirrel back and get me a rabbit like I asked you five hours ago!".
So back they go. Minutes pass. Minutes turn to hours, night drags on and turns to day.
The next morning, the trainer and the other teams are awakened by the police, holding the handcuffed squirrel, now covered in bruises, one eye nearly shut. "Are you taking the p***!!??" asks the now seriously irate trainer. The police team leader nudges the squirrel, who squeaks:
"Alright, Alright, I'm a f****** rabbit!"
I think this was posted before but came across it again..
Dear Tech Support:
Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a slow down in the overall performance, particularly in the flower and jewellery applications that had operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0. In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5, but installed undesirable programs such as NFL 5.0 and NBA 3.0. and now Conversation 8.0 no longer runs and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system. I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail. What can I do?
First keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an entertainment package,while Husband 1.0 is an operating system. Try to enter the command: C:/I THOUGH! T YOU LOVED ME and download Tears 6.2 to install Guilt 3.0.If all works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewellery 2.0 and Flowers 3.5. But remember, overuse can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0, or Beer 6.1. Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will create Snoring Loudly. WAV files. Whatever you do, DO NOT install Mother-in-law 1.0 or reinstall another Boyfriend program.
These are not supported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.
In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have a limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. I personally recommend Hot Food 3.0 and Lingerie 7.7.
Werner Von Croy
ROFLMAO http://www.tombraiderforums.com/images/smilies/jumper.gif http://www.tombraiderforums.com/images/smilies/jumper.gif http://www.tombraiderforums.com/images/smilies/jumper.gif
Werner Von Croy
Aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at an Elingsh uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer
in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoetnt tihng is
taht the frist and lsat ltteer is at the rghit pclae. The rset can be a
toatl mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae we
do not raed ervey lteter by it slef but the wrod as a wlohe.
Werner Von Croy
I was sent this by the boys in blue,and i thought they just ate donuts all day http://www.tombraiderforums.com/images/smilies/whistle.gif
Here's a story about Liverpool....
A young woman in Liverpool was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the Mersey. She went down to the docks and was about to leap into the freezing water when a handsome young sailor saw her tottering on the edge of the pier, crying.
He took pity on her and said, "Look, you have so much to live for. l'm off to America in the morning, and if you like, I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take good care of you and bring you food every day." Moving closer, he slipped his arm round her shoulder and added, I'll keep you happy, and you'll keep me happy."
The girl nodded Yes, After all, what did she have to lose? Perhaps a fresh start in America would give her life new meaning. That night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a lifeboat. From then on, every night he brought her three sandwiches and a piece of fruit, and they made passionate love until dawn.
Two weeks later, during a routine inspection, she was discovered by the captain. "What are you doing here?" the captain asked.
"I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she explained. "I get food and a trip to America, and he's screwing me."
"He certainly is," the captain said.
This is the Birkenhead Ferry."
Werner Von Croy
Two hunters were in a lodge, making small talk.
One of them asked the other, "So, what do you hunt?"
He answered, "I hunt unicorns."
The first hunter was startled, but said,
"Really? How do you do that?"
The other answered "I find a virgin and hire her to help me.
The virgin sits around in the woods until a unicorn comes to her. When it does, it sets off a snare."
The first hunter said "Boy, they must be hard to find. I've heard of them, but I've never seen one."
The second hunter said "Yeah, and there aren't many unicorns around, either!"
" What a boring party that was yesterday -
if I had found my pants, I would have left much earlier!"
Werner Von Croy
On the enviromentalist front
This is an actual letter sent to a man named Ryan DeVries by the Michigan Department of Environmental Quality, State of Michigan. This guy's response is hilarious, but read the State's letter before you get to the response letter.
SUBJECT: DEQ File No.97-59-0023; T11N; R10W, Sec. 20; Montcalm County
Dear Mr. DeVries:
It has come to the attention of the Department of Environmental Quality that there has been recent unauthorized activity on the above referenced parcel of property. You have been certified as the legal landowner and/or contractor who did the following unauthorized activity:
Construction and maintenance of two wood debris dams across the outlet stream of Spring Pond. A permit must be issued prior to the start of this type of activity. A review of the Department's files shows that no permits have been issued. Therefore, the Department has determined that this activity is in violation of Part 301, Inland Lakes and Streams, of the Natural Resource and Environmental Protection Act, Act 451 of the Public Acts of 1994, being sections 324.30101 to 324.30113 of the Michigan
Compiled Laws, annotated.
The Department has been informed that one or both of the dams partially failed during a recent rain event, causing debris and flooding at downstream locations. We find that dams of this nature are inherently hazardous and cannot be permitted. The Department therefore orders you to cease and desist all activities at this location, and to restore the stream to a free-flow condition by removing all wood and brush forming the dams from the stream channel. All restoration work shall be completed no later than January 31, 2003. Please notify this office when the restoration has been completed so that a follow-up site inspection may be scheduled by our staff. Failure to comply with this request or any further unauthorized activity on the site may result in this case being referred for elevated enforcement action. We anticipate and would appreciate your full cooperation in this matter. Please feel free to contact me at this office if you have any questions.
David L. Price,
District Representative and Water Management Division
** Here is the actual response sent back by Mr. DeVries: **
Re: DEQ File No. 97-59-0023; T11N; R10W, Sec. 20; Montcalm County.
Dear Mr. Price,
Your certified letter dated 12/17/02 has been handed to me to respond to. I am the legal landowner but not the Contractor at 2088 Dagget, Pierson, Michigan. A couple of beavers are in the (State unauthorized) process of constructing and maintaining two wood "debris" dams across the outlet stream of my Spring Pond. While I did not pay for, authorize, nor supervise their dam project, I think they would be highly offended that you call their skillful use of natures building materials "debris." I would like to challenge your department to attempt to emulate their dam project any time and/or any place you choose. I believe I can safely state there is no way you could ever match their dam skills, their dam resourcefulness, their dam ingenuity, their dam persistence, their dam determination and/or their dam work ethic.
As to your request, I do not think the beavers are aware that they must first fill out a dam permit prior to the start of this type of dam activity. My first dam question to you is:
(1) Are you trying to discriminate against my Spring Pond Beavers, or
(2) do you require all beavers throughout this State to conform to said dam request? If you are not discriminating against these particular beavers, through the Freedom of Information Act, I request completed copies of all those other applicable beaver dam permits that have been issued. Perhaps we will see if there really is a dam violation of Part 301, Inland Lakes and Streams, of the Natural Resource and Environmental Protection Act, Act 451 of the Public Acts of 1994, being sections 324.30101 to 324.30113 of the Michigan Compiled Laws, annotated.
I have several concerns. My first concern is; aren't the beavers entitled to legal representation? The Spring Pond Beavers are financially destitute and are unable to pay for said representation -- so the State will have to provide them with a dam lawyer. The Department's dam concern that either one or both of the dams failed during a recent rain event, causing flooding, is proof that this is a natural occurrence, which the Department is required to protect. In other words, we should leave the Spring Pond Beavers alone rather than harassing them and calling their dam names. If you want the stream "restored" to a dam free-flow condition please contact the beavers -- but if you are going to arrest them, they obviously did not pay any attention to your dam letter, they being unable to read English.
In my humble opinion, the Spring Pond Beavers have a right to build their unauthorized dams as long as the sky is blue, the grass is green and water flows downstream. They have more dam rights than I do to live and enjoy Spring Pond. If the Department of Natural Resources and Environmental Protection lives up to its name, it should protect the natural resources (Beavers) and the environment (Beavers' Dams).
So, as far as the beavers and I are concerned, this dam case can be referred for more elevated enforcement action right now. Why wait until 1/31/2003? The Spring Pond Beavers may be under the dam ice then and there will be no way for you or your dam staff to contact/harass them then.
In conclusion, I would like to bring to your attention to a real environmental quality (health) problem in the area. It is the bears! Bears are actually defecating in our woods. I definitely believe you should be persecuting the defecating bears and leave the beavers alone. If you are going to investigate the beaver dam, watch your step! (The bears are not careful where they dump!)
Being unable to comply with your dam request, and being unable to contact you on your dam answering machine, I am sending this response to your dam office.
RYAN DEVRIES & THE DAM BEAVERS
I love that response wish i could do something like.
A seniors moment
An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house and, after
>eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen. The two elderly
>gentlemen were talking, and one says: "Last night we went out to a new
>restaurant, and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly."
> > The other man says: "What's the name of the restaurant?"
> > The first man knits his brow in obvious concentration, and finally says
>to his companion: "Aahh, what is the name of that red flower you give to
>someone you love?"
> > His friend replies: "A carnation?" "No, no. The other one," the man
>His friend offers another suggestion: "The poppy?" "Nahhhh," growls the
> > > "You know - the one that is red and has thorns."
> > His friend says: "Do you mean a rose?"
> > "Yes! Thank you!" the first man says. He then turns toward the kitchen
> > "Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?"
As said by Andrea Corr in Ireland's Sunday Newspaper recently (I would pay to see her say it! I think it is really funny!)
"Big Chief suffers from constipation," she begins, "and he says to the doctor: 'Big Chief no fart.' The doctor says: 'Don't worry. Take these tablets and you'll be fine. Call me in a week.' A week goes by, and the chief was looking purple. 'Big Chief no fart.'
"Doctor says, 'Take this bucketful of tablets.' Two weeks later he hobbles into the room--bloated: 'Big Chief still no fart.' Doctor gives him a lorryful of tablets. And a month goes by, and the doctor is wondering how the chief is. The little woman comes into the surgery one day and she says: 'Big fart--no chief!'"
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