PDA

View Full Version : i really hope u read this story


tombfan91
21-10-05, 04:43
hey guys hope u like this story it'skinda sad but please tell me if my story is good o it's ok to say if u hateit and please express what u feel about it i won't get sad lol

Have u ever felt like u weren't normal.Do u feel like there is nothing u can do about it? I have and it a living nightmare. I always knew there was something wrong with me. the way i dressed, the way i talk, the way i smell, and the way i look.i always got beat up in school and felt i could no longer live my teachers hated me because of the way i dress and my personality.i find myself in a lostbond where there is no return to reach your bond.i never thought how is really sad that i have to go home every night an cut myself but it eases the pain. my parents are just as worse they beat me up as well. they always ask me why i cut myself butit's hard to explain.im all alone where nobody understands me i had this one friend and she was my only best friend. she died because some crazy person from school shot her. i couldn't be any lower in this point of my life.i eventually got to the point where i almost killed myself. i never thought about it until now but.......maybe it was a good thing i didn't. after all that has happen i find myself down the rabbit hole just looking for a way to climb out. i struggle through most parts i meet new friends who eventually stab me in the back. but then i started thinking....who caused it allwho caused this pain and i didn't notice until i said it was my fault.....for being so weird.lets use this anology im like lasgna im not done i ahve to go through all these layers of my life to turn up to what ever i want to be until then i have to keep going on...............justthink i couldv'e killed myself but i didn't because soemthing kept me form doing ti and i think i know what it is........ the end

sorry it's short it's just a starter the next one will be better

Smith will Suffice
21-10-05, 06:00
this is coming from a writer's perspective

ok well, to start its terribly cliched, HOWEVER you DO have some good thoughts and ideas in here.

the problem is in the execution. the writing is confusing in narration and tone, which makes its difficult to get a focus on where the story is going. its just one sentence after the other, incoherently placed together.

the story right now is in threads, u need to find a way to connect them and make something out of them that satisifes ur audience and ultimately, has a beginning, a conflict and a resolution that culminate into a completely flowing and focused short story.

-Smith

Greenkey2
21-10-05, 10:55
Like Smith, I'm also a writer, so this is coming from a bit of experience.

What are you trying to say, to get across, to the reader? It needs to have a goal, something for the character to aim at so the reader can identify with it. At the moment it lacks the conflict, resolution etc that Smith mentions above.

When you write, try not to write too much like the way you might speak or think. It's too difficult for a reader to follow without becoming frustrated. Spelling, grammer and puntuation - boring but essential if you are to make a good impression when you hand it to a reader.

The premise is good. So is the way you try to sympathise with the central character. However, at the moment it reads more like a letter in a magazine column than a story that stands by itself. What is your character's motive, goal, 'destiny'?

Who else figures in the story? WHAT or WHY is the character not 'normal' and WHY does this make everyone around them behave the way they do? Dressing 'wrong' and behaving 'wrong' - please define what 'wrong' means in this context! If you don't give the reader this information (or even just a hint of it) the reasons behind it fall apart. Is it being a spotty teenager struggling to fit in with trendy Jessica/Joshua and their gang? Or is the character normal in every way except that they turn into a vampire at night? These points don't need massive investment - but they get your reader involved.

Don't be discouraged by this. Keep writing, keep honing your technique and storytelling skills. I know how hard it is take criticism. It's not personal - it's constructive and essential if you are to improve.

I look forward to reading your next piece http://www.tombraiderforums.com/images/smilies/smile.gif

Neteru
21-10-05, 11:36
Moving to Fan section. ...

Aline_Cedrac
21-10-05, 12:15
Wow...tombfan... ;) ! Keep on! I really thought u were talking about u!

Celephais
21-10-05, 12:28
Don't worry my first attempt at fan writing began

"One day Lara woke up and said "Gosh I'm bored, I wonder what legendary artifacts are waiting in Malaysia?" Then she made some coffee and packed her bags, got on a Ryan Air flight to the aforementiond place and had lots of adventures. Then, next week , on an overcast Tuesday, she looked at her watch and said "I miss jolly old England with it's fish and chips and right hand steering cars" and decided to go to her hotel again where she watched the ceiling slowly rotate in the air which had a very hight humidity because it was in the tropics. The next day she chartered a Ryan Air Flight which had the same pilot but different stewardesses and touched down at Heathrow where the captain said that he had hoped his passengers had enjoyed the flight. "Yes, it was jolly good" she said to the person sitting next to her, "But I think that they should change the catering company next flight"

tombfan91
22-10-05, 00:04
yea my first one is a lil slow but it's my first one and the first one usually never turn out right but im working on a second one it's going to be called the power it's sorta going to be crossed to like a buffy story but different so it a series so it's like story 1 ans stuff hope to put it on here soon

Sofitegan
22-10-05, 10:40
Originally posted by Celephais:
Don't worry my first attempt at fan writing began

"One day Lara woke up and said "Gosh I'm bored, I wonder what legendary artifacts are waiting in Malaysia?" Then she made some coffee and packed her bags, got on a Ryan Air flight to the aforementiond place and had lots of adventures. Then, next week , on an overcast Tuesday, she looked at her watch and said "I miss jolly old England with it's fish and chips and right hand steering cars" and decided to go to her hotel again where she watched the ceiling slowly rotate in the air which had a very hight humidity because it was in the tropics. The next day she chartered a Ryan Air Flight which had the same pilot but different stewardesses and touched down at Heathrow where the captain said that he had hoped his passengers had enjoyed the flight. "Yes, it was jolly good" she said to the person sitting next to her, "But I think that they should change the catering company next flight" http://www.tombraiderforums.com/images/smilies/vlol.gif http://www.tombraiderforums.com/images/smilies/vlol.gif http://www.tombraiderforums.com/images/smilies/vlol.gif

no offence celephais but...
http://www.tombraiderforums.com/images/smilies/vlol.gif http://www.tombraiderforums.com/images/smilies/vlol.gif

Celephais
22-10-05, 13:35
No offence taken, because I wasn't being serious ;) Writing that bad takes a great deal of raw anti-talent.

tombfan91
22-10-05, 17:11
hey guys this is the first story of the power it's only a half page because thats as far as im going until i can figure some stuff out but tell me what u think ok?
THE POWER
I order you to find her and kill her! said the old woman. "yes mam" said the soldier.
"we can not let her live". when you come back there had better be her body.
"yes mam".
1600 years later........

"KALEY" time for school said the mother. "NO" said kaley. " i know it's high school and everybody hates you and all that **** but it's a new school so could you please get it together. "fine". ok im ready to go see ya. " bye hunny make good choices" "yea right...." " what was that" " o nothing" " ok see ya" " bye" man she get on my nerves. o great might as well walk to school. ahhh the great mulkfard high school hmmm.......looks casual i think i can fit in. " hi im dex". " o hi" very please to meet you. anyways sorry to cut short but i have to go bye. " new girl that doesn't know me good" " hi said mandy" o hi" said kaley. " your the new girl right? " that's correct." "not to be rude but I heard you used to get into fights a lot in your old school" " yea thats true" but .......sorry i have to go. i try to live a normal life but this is like hell man they still follow me where ever I go. " escuse me" said mr. jake are you kaley? " yes i am" then that mean im your guide. o no not again i told you bguys im over that . sorrybut this is your duty. you can't escape it. yes i can. we need to talk. fine.so wea ll know you have THE POWER. what do you do i can kickbox and move thing with my mind. o.......... what were you expecting something like buffy the vampire slayer or where i have 1millioon times the power then men. I don't think so. wait does she exist? well in a different world. but she does exist wow that is awesome i have to meet her . there must be a spell in this book somewhere.DON'T CALL IT 'this book" it's called the Arescopia. fine whatever like i care. wait you don't even know if she is alive......well the last time i saw her was when she was in season 7and sunnydale was destroyed she had to be somewhere in the world and im going to go into her universe to find here wait i am coming with you always wanted to meet giles. hahahahaha that is funny hahahahahaha o you were being for real my bad.......anyways let's go fine say the spell

i call for the light and power
bring me the acient power
bring me the universe i call forth
to return when it's set north

to retrurn when it's set north? don't ask me? we are her said kaley. but where is here...

to be contiued.....

hope you guys like it so far

Janny
22-10-05, 17:24
Nice story http://www.tombraiderforums.com/images/smilies/thumb.gif , but here's a hint:try writting each different reply on a new row.It would be easier to read

tombfan91
22-10-05, 19:16
o u mean like in every new role right the characters name and write what they are saying like a script? i guess i could try that so do u guys like my story

Greenkey2
22-10-05, 19:34
Your story has got some good starting points, but as j layas has just said, make sure that every time someone speaks, put it on a new line. Otherwise it becomes next to impossible to tell who is saying what and when. It doesn't need to be a script though, if your characters have failry distinctive ways of speaking. For example:

"Hiya Bill, what's up?"
Bill looked up. "None of your business, clear off!"
Paul swung round and pulled up a chair. "Yikes, guy, no need for the attitude," he said, sounding hurt. "What you doing anyway that's so important?"
"I said it's none of your business!" snarled Bill, rising from the table.

You can clearly see who is saying what - not just by the punctuation, but how Bill and Paul's speech is different. Clear goals and character motivation really makes your characters shine.

Keep writing and I look forward to your follow-up! http://www.tombraiderforums.com/images/smilies/thumb.gif

[ 22. October 2005, 21:41: Message edited by: Greenkey2 ]