View Full Version : My family have betrayed me

10-01-06, 23:13
Ive just had the most horrible day of my life. My family ahev went against me.:(

They don't care about me at all!
They kept secret that my fathers ashes were being buried tommorrow.
My aunt didnt even tell me, I wasnt even told my dad was being buried!
Then my aunt told my mother that I she might as well split the ashes in to and give one to her (in Liverpool) and one to me(in Newcastle)
How sick is it for your aunt to tell you that! Its just evil and Im surprised that she lost her temper.

I phoned her on Monday night and we were talking. But as she was about to go. I asked her what was happening with my dads ashes. And she said I cannot go to scatter my dads ashes! She said she wanted me to go see at the end of SUMMER! So I told my mother and she phoned my uncle to tell him.:(

She didnt even tell me my father was being buried. She didnt even give ke any notice. Im thankful I even phoned her because If I had left i to the weekend, I would have missed it, without even knowing. What family would keep from you that your father is being buried! I would have been the last to know. And of course its too late to go now because its tommorrow at noon.

And the worst part is...my family never thought I would me bothered:( And they never called to see how I am. Im sickened.
But my mom had an argument and ne too, and now its cancelled.
Just think, If I hadn't had hponed top see if my aunt was OK.

I would have been oblivious to my dads funeral!
How could you keep that from someone.
Im really sad and angry:( :mad:

10-01-06, 23:18
I would call down hellfire and brimstone on someone if they ever pulled that on me...not that they would dare.

Hopefully they will realize what they did before they screw up even more :hug:

10-01-06, 23:24
I just never thought something this horrible will haooen. I didn't realize how horrible my family are.

But I better get to bed, I've said some really colourful language this evening. I wonder what tommorrow will hold:(

10-01-06, 23:28
I'm sorry to hear, Anthony. You know, you could tell them nicely that what they did hurt you. Maybe next time they'll be more responsible and careful of their actions. :( :hug:

10-01-06, 23:30
Theres not going to be a next time. I couldn't never forgive them for what they did.:(

10-01-06, 23:32
Anthony they may have wanted to protect you. You are only young and if you were pretty upset at his funeral they may not have wanted to put you through that again. One service is hard enough to cope with let alone two. I know I would not want to go through it again and I am a grown woman all too well aware that my parents are not going to be around forever.

My mothers ashes are still in limbo. The other executor is in charge of them. She wants to be scattered in a particular place not far from where I live and he is on the other side of the country at the moment working and has not had a chance to do it. She passed in 2003. I was not given an option either as it was my mother's wishes and those I will respect. This may have been your father's wishes. The only way I can visit my mothers final resting place is if I have a boat. At least if he is buried there is somewhere for you to go to mourn. I considered asking for my mothers ashes to be separated too but decided against it.

Don't be too mad with them, they may have thought it was better this way.

10-01-06, 23:33
You're right, sorry. :o :( But still you should try and forgive them, they are your family after all. Even though what they did was pretty mean and irrisponsible, they remain your family and as long as you respect them, you can do no wrong. But seriously, ask them why they didn't tell you. You never know what you might get if you just talk to them, and I don't necessarily mean that in a bad way. Good luck with everything, though! :)

10-01-06, 23:33
aww anthony i'm sorry :hug: parents can be horrible in that way sometimes. too bad it's them who influence us from day one.

hope you take care of yourself ;)

10-01-06, 23:34
I'm s0rry anth0ny. Things will l00k up eventually and it is h0rrible that they w0uldn't tell y0u. :hug: :hug:

10-01-06, 23:43
I am sorry to hear about this Anthony.:(

Anthony they may have wanted to protect you. You are only young and if you were pretty upset at his funeral they may not have wanted to put you through that again. One service is hard enough to cope with let alone two. I know I would not want to go through it again and I am a grown woman all too well aware that my parents are not going to be around forever.

Don't be too mad with them, they may have thought it was better this way.
I think and hope that Tramp may be right.

Oh well, as you said I wonder what tommorrow will hold I hope it will be a better day for you.:hug:


10-01-06, 23:52

I'm sorry that you are upset like this, but who wouldn't be and I can understand that atm you are quite angry as well.

But maybe Tramp has a point there, maybe your family only wanted to protect you from more pain and upset.
Only because they are adults does not necessarily mean that they always make the right decisions. And many wrong decisions are made out of love.
Have a think about it.

I am not saying that what they did was right, only that maybe they did it with no bad intention.


Maureen Errant
11-01-06, 01:43
Don't want to sound like a broken record, but:

A. You're right to be angry, but use it constructively.

B. Your family was trying to protect you, especially if you were close to your Dad.

C. Never.............is a long time. They will realize that they hurt you and should have involved you. Will you be adult enough to accept that they made a mistake and go back to being a family unit again?:hug:

11-01-06, 03:11
[quote=Maureen Errant]
A. You're right to be angry, but use it constructively./quote]

Yes, it is only natural to feel anger.

At times like this we sometimes forget what others are feeling because we are dealing with our own angst.
This is not done intentional, but sometimes we do things as not to hurt others. I believe it is always better to be honest even though you know that person might not like what they are going to hear.
They probably do not realise how this has affected you and I believe you need to tell them how you feel rather than bottle it up.
I would hope by talking about the way this made you feel will bring everyone closer together :hug:

11-01-06, 06:36
More harm is done in the name of protecting someone from reality than reality itself.

11-01-06, 06:42
:mad: Its not just that. Its my fathers family that are doing this.
And Im not completely mad about the fact she didn't bother to tell me(beleve me she would have at least given me the choice)

Its the things she said to my mother over the phone. She didn't even give my mother the chance to explain.

This is the things she said....don't tell me this isn't sickening
She actually suggested to split my dads ashes in half!
She said "well if you cannot agree with this then we should just split the ashes in half and you keep half and I keep half."

My mother said that it was wrong for her to make plans without even consulting ANYONE in my family and heres what she said
"Well, if Anthony wants to be here he better be here for 12noon tommorrow"
How discusting
Then I finished the phone call by saying
"You can go ahead and do your plans for tommorrow, but I want the guilt of me not being there to haunt you the whole time" then I hung up the phone...

11-01-06, 06:46
More harm is done in the name of protecting someone from reality than reality itself.

But the thing is, she didn't tell ANYONE in my family anything about it.
And usually they would always consult me, they promised at the funeral Im always 1st in this and if theres nothing Im comfotable with they can change.
She didnt even tell us she had the ashes!
She went and made plans about the ashes being scattered without telling any of us.

When I phoned her on Monday, she didn't say anything regarding my fathers funeral, it wasn't until, I was about to say goodbye, I brought up the topic.
But the way she was so abusive and mis0understanding shocked me and everyone in my mothers family.
I never want to speak to her again after she said those things.:(

11-01-06, 07:06
Anthony your parents were not together. My parents were divorced too so I can talk with a little bit of experience. When married couples separate there is usually a lot of animosity on both sides. You are only 13 years old and I gather from previous posts that your parents have not been together for quite a while. You are and were much too young to know what happened between your parents and obviously that is going to affect the relatives on both sides. Your fathers side is going to be with him and your mothers with her. This is not fair on you, you are in the middle. But unfortunately adults quite often act like this, especially when they are feeling hurt and betrayed. No one is saying it is right, but that's the way people often act.

When my parents broke up there was terrible animosity on both sides, but probably more from my mother. I found out a lot of things when I was older that explained what was going on. My mother was feeling guilt as the break up was probably more her fault than dads. My mother was terribly jealous and probably pushed dad away. He was accused of doing things he wasn't actually doing. It was my mothers insecurities causing it and she really pushed him away. He would never have left her though, she left him.

My mother said some terrible things about my father to me, things I found out later were just not true. But she was hurting.

I don't know in your situation who left who, but your Aunty does and this is probably causing a lot of the hate between her and your mother. It is not against you, it is between adults and unfortunately you are the piggy in the middle. Not fair I know, but unfortunately life is very often unfair. Unfortunately Anthony the kids of broken marriages who wear more of the pain than anyone and it is very hard for them to talk to anyone about it. I found it extremely hard being an only child. I had no one to confide in, so psychologically it affected me very badly. We didn't have councellors to talk to like you guys do now. We just had to wear it and cope as best we could.

Try to get over your anger with your Aunt. It really wasn't aimed at you, but you are the one bearing the brunt of it. Your Aunty probably feels they have more right to decide what happens now to your father as he and your mother were not together. I still think you were not consulted because of your age.:hug:

11-01-06, 07:23
My mother and father were never married.
Its harder than what you explained Tramp becuase there was stuff from the past which was related to it. Im not going to go into it but I hope you are right tramp:(

11-01-06, 07:50
Obviously a lot of it has to do with the adults animosity to each other and you are stuck in the middle and you are considered too young to understand. Unfortunately kids instinctively know when something is wrong. They don't know or understand the ins and outs they just know something is wrong. Even if you don't hear arguments you just know.

My friend of 30 years died on the 29th of December. I was not contacted by his daughter to tell me he had died. I didn't know until after his funeral. I really do understand. We hadn't spoken for months because of his alcoholism. He had nearly killed himself twice before because of it. This time he succeeded. You see I really do understand. Just try to stay calm and try not to hate. It will only end up hurting you more than it does anyone else. I don't hate her for not telling me but I am extremely hurt as even though we had had an argument of which I was actually in the right and were not speaking I think that after 30 years I had a right to know and go to the funeral if I wished.

Maureen Errant
11-01-06, 08:00
I hope your words bring some comfort to Anthony, I know they would if I was in his shoes. I'm sorry your in so much pain now, but believe me it will pass...............eventually. The best thing for you to do is to try and get back to "normal" as quickly as possible..............fill in those blank spaces with.........something.......preferably something the tires you out physically. That way you won't lie in bed at night thinking until you want to scream. Keep us posted on how you are doing.....we've only just met, but we do care.:hug: :hug: :hug: Take care.

btw Tramp I'm a Kate too.

11-01-06, 08:10
Another thing we have in common is loving dogs. Don't suppose you're also a Sagittarian also.

Cat Girl
11-01-06, 08:25
really. i don't like that my family keep secrets from me. i just can't support it.
i'm really sorry for you AnthonyShock1515. and i hope that your family realized what they did and never do it again. :hug:

Lonely Istari
11-01-06, 08:29
More harm is done in the name of protecting someone from reality than reality itself.

This is very true. So many times someone is hurt much more by someone who is trying to protect them than they would be without. Though, I can't say I would never want someone to want to protect me.

Sorry for your loss, Anthony. :hug: :hug:

Maureen Errant
11-01-06, 16:59
Truer words were never spoken, Istari. Unfortunately this is something that is going to stay with him for the rest of his life. Anthony......is there someone you could talk to....someone other than your family. You need to get some counselling, so this doesn't fester and become an horrific load of baggage that you will end up dragging around for the rest of your life. Let us know how things are going eh?:hug:

btw Tramp Yes, Nov 27

ben croft
11-01-06, 18:33
I'm sorry for that, Anthony. :(

11-01-06, 18:56
Im getting the ashes
My sisters name is on all the documents.
Theres nothing my aunt
I dont want to speak to them again.
Im just going to have to pay the funeral out of my inheritance. But I'd rather have no inheritance then let her have her hands on the urn.

11-01-06, 19:46
I've said some really colourful language this evening. I wonder what tommorrow will hold:(

I dont blame you :(

I hope you feel better soon.

11-01-06, 20:15
I'm sorry for you Anthony :(

I know how it feels when someone or more persons betrays u , its horrible !

11-01-06, 21:08
I'm so sorry Anthony. :(

I hope everything turns out good for you soon.

11-01-06, 21:20
You have my sincere sympathies Anthony :( :hug: I hope the rift between your family heals, and that you are better thought of by them in future. This is not a respectful or compassionate way to treat anyone :(

11-01-06, 21:47
Im so sorry to hear that Anthony, i wish u the best and hope everything will be strainght soon.

lorien elf
12-01-06, 01:30
More harm is done in the name of protecting someone from reality than reality itself.
This is one of the truest and wisest things I've read on the forum today. I like what you've said.
@Anthony: I'm so sorry about what you had to go through. I know it's hard for you and yeah, that's an understatement. But I hate for you to carry the weight of being told that you need to take care how you react to it, or at least about your anger. You're kind of young and this isn't something easy for anyone to have to deal with. There shouldn't have been an issue like this one, concerning your father's ashes. And it doesn't help to say that life is not fair. I've always hated that statement. Sometimes adults are stupid and make bad choices before they take enough time to think about what they're doing for. There's really no excuse and you shouldnt be caught up in the middle of it. It's not fair if your aunt and mother have some issues between them over what happened with your mother and father's relationship. That's actually your parents' own business--unless of course it were something really terrible, which I doubt it's not. They've all taken sides but should be mature enough not to fight over the man's body in a case like this. And you of all people definitely deserve to know about it. What your aunt was with-holding from you was very wrong and she owes you an apology. I can't judge but it seems more likely that she was doing it out of spite rather than from a desire to protect you. You already know about your father, what happened and you were there at the funeral. It's only normal that you'd wonder about burial. Anyway, have you tried talking to her as politely as you can manage, to ask her why she didn't tell you? I know it's hard to do that when you're angry but maybe you could give it a try. I understand if you don't want to speak to her at all. That's a reasonable reaction coming from one who's endured what you have. I think it's harder on you to find out that you might have missed the placing of your father's ashes somewhere rather than having been there to witness it--which would have been some sort of closure. And you deserve closure. I'm sorry that you have to rely on the inheritance to cover the burial...sorry for saying that too, not meaning to be callous it just seems that they're putting a lot on you now. Have you been able to talk to your mother? is it like your aunt to do this sort of thing? if not, then it may indeed be that she meant not to hurt you. I hope you can find someone to talk to instead of letting the anger simmer. Even though we hardly know each other and I'm not too helpful, I'll be here if I can be needed and I'm sure many of the others will too. I don't know how late I am in reading this but I hope something's worked out for the better. If anything, try talking to your mother about it and find comfort with her. You two can share how you feel about this. I guess it sounds kind of cheesy but talking about stuff that hurts and angers one like this really helps. sorry for rambling but anyway, I wish you the best. :) *hugs*

12-01-06, 01:35
I am very sorry to hear about the horrible news Anthony! I hope everything goes well, and good luck! :hug:

12-01-06, 04:12
OMG. How did I miss this thread...? :( :(
Anthony, I'm really sorry that you are going through all this...I don't have anything left to say over here...But don't forget the conversation we had related to this on MSN...If you need a friend to talk to...I'll be there... :hug:

Mary CF
12-01-06, 04:28
That's terrible, Anthony. I can understand why you would feel hurt. Leaving someone out of something that important seems really odd and I don't understand it either.

I hope you feel better soon. :hug:

12-01-06, 05:03
I'm so sorry you're going through this. I don't know the whole back story about your family's relationship, so all I can say is that sometimes people get selfish in their grief: they feel that they are the only one who has a right to mourn or that they must be the one who hurts the most. I hope you can figure a way to work it out.

Maureen Errant
12-01-06, 05:30
Keep in touch Anthony...........take care:hug:

Jacob x5
12-01-06, 06:01
Don't worry too much, Anthony, if it's possible. As unbelievable as it seems at the time, things like this, no matter how bad, always come to and end and always sort out. I remember one time I heard my dad and step mum having a big arguement at night, and in the morning my dad didn't mention anything, and when I got home from school that day I discovered that they were somewhere in the Lake District. Right...that's a good way to solve an arguement, eh? Go to the Lake District! Obviously I was very angry and upset, but it passed. I've had lots more things like that to deal with and I see you're going through things just the same. Remember, we're always here. :) Just looking at the amount of people who have posted here you know that we're all here to talk to. :wve:

Sophia Leigh
12-01-06, 06:11
Im just going to have to pay the funeral out of my inheritance. But I'd rather have no inheritance then let her have her hands on the urn.

Wow Anthony, that is very mature of you. I have just read this entire thread and wanted to add that I am sorry for your loss at such a young age. I completely understand you wanting not to split your dad's ashes as I personally feel that that would be disrespectful towards him. Good luck with your ordeal and when you are feeling sad just remember the good times you shared with your dad. I wish you all the best.