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Belfastard
26-03-06, 23:04
I was browsing the internet for what some churchs say about Homosexuality, and this was on a Bapist Church website:


Is My Little Baby Going to Go Gay?
Handy Homo Prevention Tips For Concerned Parents With Suspect Toddlers

A parent can never act too soon in taking precautionary measures to ensure that their child will never become intoxicated with mommy's perfume and choose to devote his life to being a prancing homo. By being both proactive and willing to inflict welts for Jesus, you can beat Satan at his own sick game and prevent him from turning your impressionable child into an ugly, rotting twig in the family tree crying out for brutal pruning.

Christian Doctors at Landover Baptist Hospital's Homosexual Reparative Extreme-Psycho-Stabilization Ward have put together a handy list of preventative tips for concerned parents with newborns or toddlers. Please print out these Godly reminders and pop them in your purse the moment your water breaks for handy reference.



Early Child Development Homo Prevention Tips

1. A boy must not sit on a toilet unless he is having a bowel movement. Standing straight up, not hunched over while urinating, is a sign of manliness. Squatting on a toilet seat (especially if he hovers to avoid the urine of others or prissily wipes the seat with a square of toilet tissue) to pee is not only effeminate but a sign of shame! It is a secret hobby that homosexuals use in their daily lives. It is a scientific fact that when needing to use the restroom, a male is called upon to engage in the unpleasant undertaking of extruding a poopy in only 1 out of every 3 visits. But homosexuals use all three visits to practice squatting, to limber the cheeks of their bottom in preparation for even the most enormous (Negro) *****es. Such calisthenics are neither necessary nor advisable for men who have no intention of squatting over an engorged *****. As soon as your child is able to walk on two feet, you must make that sure he is taught to stand proudly in front of a private or public toilet seat, and to speak not a word, especially in response to the coy whispers of Catholic priests in the next stall.

2. A boy must eat everything on his plate. But if your son pesters you to serve corn on the cob, hot dogs or sausages, that is your signal to change his diet. Try serving meals that more effectively evoke a hankering for the fragrant delights of the female genitalia. An artichoke stuffed with tuna fish will usually do the trick.

3. A boy must always wear socks, except while swimming. So-called, "flip-flops" and "sandals," where the toes and ankles are exposed are products that were created during the (homo)sexual revolution. Creation research indicates that these types of provocative "shoes," were invented by homosexuals in San Fransissyco during the late 1960's with fetishes for little boy ankles. Thwart the perverted delight of these pedo-pedophiles with a thick pair of tube socks!

4. A boy must not be allowed to watch cartoons of any kind. He should spend Saturday mornings sitting quietly by his Father's side (with a respectful 3" between the male bodies), watching sports that don't involved male leotards. He must watch Football, Basketball, Baseball and Boxing. Soccer is not a sport for civilized people and often results in alarmingly long, uncut *****es escaping from very alluring satin shorts. Soccer appeals only to poor, uneducated halflings from underdeveloped countries where the women grow mustaches twice as fast as the men. Make your child aware of this. When there are no sports on TV, take your boy out in the backyard and throw the football or play catch with a very hard baseball. Under no circumstances: wrestle in shorts, especially if your son is strapping, handsome and sporting a noticeably turgid crotch.

5. A boy must not play with dolls. If your boy has a young sister, forbid him from entering her room except for the purposes of the type of ordinary heterosexual experimentation that occurs in any Christian household. If you catch your male child playing with dolls, Landover Baptist Child Psychologists recommended that you shave his head, and sit him out at the end of the driveway with a sign around his neck that says, "I'm a Sissy Boy Who Plays With Dolls Mailman: Why don't you just go ahead and stick something in my mouth?." This method of prevention has a 99.5% success rate (unless your particular mailman is young and attractive).

6. A boy must not refer to his parents as "Mommy" or "Daddy." As soon as your boy is old enough to speak, he must be taught to call his Mother, "Ma," or "Momma" or "Mommie Dearest." When addressing his Father, he should refer to him as, "Sir," "Dad," or "Commander." "Mommy" and "Daddy" are what fey, spoiled boys weaned on effeminacy coo, embarrassing you in front of the neighbors by never keeping the palms of their hands below their waists.

7. A boy must always wear thick, white underwear. White boxers, and/or briefs are acceptable. Your child must be taught that men who wear colored underwear or undergarments that are cut within one inch of the outer periphery of their pubic region or the trough of the valley between the cheeks of their bottom are either European or Homosexual and in America there is no difference between the two.

8. A boy must never cry or pout. Crying, pouting or showing feelings are weak and feminine traits. After the natural tears of infancy, brought on by a child's traumatic exit from the spiritual realm of Heaven, to the horrible shock every young man experiences in seeing his very own mother's hairy, dilated ******, and into this Devil run world we call, "Earth," your boy must be taught to stop crying. It usually takes a normal child several weeks to get over its birth even when using daily submersions into ice-water.If your child is still crying after three weeks, please drop him off at the Creation Science Laboratory for the remainder of the year and for a determination of whether he is worth having back.

9. A boy must not use brightly colored crayons or any crayons from any colors of a rainbow. Christian parents should remove and destroy any suspiciously colored crayons from their boy's box of Crayolas. This needs no explanation, as we here at Landover Baptist are all familiar with Mr. Crayola's so-called "alternate lifestyle," and his reason for putting "Pansy Pink" and "Engorged ***** Head Purple" into his boxes are quite obvious. A boy must also draw in straight lines. Some curves are fine, but if you suspect your child of "doodling," and see that he is using more curves than straight lines, please call your Pastor immediately.

10. A boy must not skip or prance. You must not allow your boy to attend any school where they teach the children to "skip," or play "hopscotch" in Physical Education class. Creation Scientists have proved that such activities are the precursor to cross-dressing, appreciation for poetry, a sardonic display of irony and the rampant shoplifting of skin care products.

Kamrusepas
26-03-06, 23:05
:eek:

That's religion for ya :rolleyes:

xMiSsCrOfTx
26-03-06, 23:08
That's beyond rediculous. :rolleyes:

Paperdoll
26-03-06, 23:08
:vlol: :vlol: :vlol: Is that even real? Oh my goodness, I should remember that when I have a child and make her/him adress me by "Mam! Yes mam! Yes mam commander mam!" :vlol:

TrojanMan
26-03-06, 23:08
Oh my.

Celephais
26-03-06, 23:09
Ridiculous yes, but it's also a joke :rolleyes:

SUGARPIE
26-03-06, 23:11
How absolutely prejudiced and repulsive not to mention ridiculous.

Being a homosexual is not a learned tendency, it is part of the person's genetic make-up and it is the sort of comments made by the Baptist church in this case that causes gay men to feel victimised and abnormal, sometimes feeling that hey have to live a lie and be something they are not.

I don't generally support anything the church lectures me about, many clerics are a bunch of hypocrits and I have first hand knowledge of that!

Utter nonsense. Not one of those behaviours is likely to make a spot of difference seeing as how peoples tendencies are predetermined and not a reult of conditioning or lack of encouragement to pursue more masculine behaviour traits :hug:

xMiSsCrOfTx
26-03-06, 23:12
They can't be serious...

SpongeBob Lover
26-03-06, 23:27
what the, is this a joke?!?!?!?! :confused: :yik:

SUGARPIE
26-03-06, 23:29
I hope it's a joke but I wouldn't be surprised if some sanctamonius old fart wrote it with an undercurrent of what he believes to be true and disguising it as mockery. :p

mtts06
26-03-06, 23:35
How sickening! :mad: :cen: :cen:



How absolutely prejudiced and repulsive not to mention ridiculous.

Being a homosexual is not a learned tendency, it is part of the person's genetic make-up and it is the sort of comments made by the Baptist church in this case that causes gay men to feel victimised and abnormal, sometimes feeling that hey have to live a lie and be something they are not.

I don't generally support anything the church lectures me about, many clerics are a bunch of hypocrits and I have first hand knowledge of that!

Utter nonsense. Not one of those behaviours is likely to make a spot of difference seeing as how peoples tendencies are predetermined and not a reult of conditioning or lack of encouragement to pursue more masculine behaviour traits :hug:



Well said!:hug:

SUGARPIE
26-03-06, 23:37
Thanks mtts, hopefully it is a joke but even so it is in very bad taste :hug:

Neteru
26-03-06, 23:38
It's a joke people. Stop getting your knickers in a twist. :rolleyes:

xMiSsCrOfTx
26-03-06, 23:39
It's a joke people. Stop getting your knickers in a twist. :rolleyes:

Well still, some may find that really offensive.

SUGARPIE
26-03-06, 23:40
And for goodness sake ensure you're knickers have a masuline look and are not pink :D

Belfastard
26-03-06, 23:42
I am beginning to think it was a joke. If any one wants to know what the website URL is, drop me a PM.
Well still, some may find that really offensive.

Then I would be offending myself. :wve:

Nephili
26-03-06, 23:45
Well all i have to say is, i do NOT sit down when i urinate!

MattTR
26-03-06, 23:53
This has to be a joke, if not that is the STUPIDEST thing I have ever heard in my life.

Lenochka
27-03-06, 00:41
How absolutely prejudiced and repulsive not to mention ridiculous.

Being a homosexual is not a learned tendency, it is part of the person's genetic make-up and it is the sort of comments made by the Baptist church in this case that causes gay men to feel victimised and abnormal, sometimes feeling that hey have to live a lie and be something they are not.

I don't generally support anything the church lectures me about, many clerics are a bunch of hypocrits and I have first hand knowledge of that!

Utter nonsense. Not one of those behaviours is likely to make a spot of difference seeing as how peoples tendencies are predetermined and not a reult of conditioning or lack of encouragement to pursue more masculine behaviour traits :hug:

Preach sista preach :ohn: :p
oops my parents didnt follow the rules *Gasp* ohhh well XD

SUGARPIE
27-03-06, 00:45
LOL Lenockha :D

P.S Belfy are those Pete Burns' lips? God he is the only person who can smoke a cig gracefully without messing up his lippy :vlol:

Belfastard
27-03-06, 00:59
LOL Lenockha :D

P.S Belfy are those Pete Burns' lips? God he is the only person who can smoke a cig gracefully without messing up his lippy :vlol:

:vlol: I don't think they are, but how cool would it be if they were?! :)

CerebralAssassin
27-03-06, 01:38
Joke or not,it's still offensive

scoopy_loopy
27-03-06, 02:11
5. A boy must not play with dolls. If your boy has a young sister, forbid him from entering her room except for the purposes of the type of ordinary heterosexual experimentation that occurs in any Christian household.




O M F G !

what does this guys childeren do to each other?!


hertrosexual expirimention with his sister.... *puke*

GeckoKid
27-03-06, 02:15
lol this is actually funny.

but it's kinda true that religion really tends to make people feel guilty. that's why i gave up in them :P

interstellardave
27-03-06, 03:17
This is obviously not serious and, as such, it's kind of funny in a way! It's funny because I'll bet that there are people out there who would read this and take this "advice" seriously!

SUGARPIE
27-03-06, 03:25
:vlol: I don't think they are, but how cool would it be if they were?! :)

His lips are amazing to look at - it's the way he draws on his ciggie, without even leaving a single lippy mark on his filter LOL. When Davina kissed him he was like 'Watch the make-up' :D

Admittedly they are a bit huge which just goes to show how even celebrities can have a bad experience with cosmetic procedures. Remember Leslie Ash and her infamous 'trout pout'? Pete burns had some terrible times with his lip plumping and they were oozing nasty poison.

I'd love a bigger pout - but I would have fat injected into my lips from my 'arris if they can find a bit to spare! That way I would no longer take offence when people accused me of talking out of my ass :D

Mary CF
27-03-06, 03:35
How sad. It's not something that can be prevented (it is in your genetics or it isn't)... and it's not a choice someone should be making for someone else.

Immortalis08
27-03-06, 04:20
:mad: If i find the person who wrote this...EDIT:mad:

This is offensive, stereotypical, ignorant, and just plain pathetic. yep You are sure to get into "Heaven" with that attitude!

Although it was quite entertaining and had me laughing a good ten minutes! :wve:



EDIT: Sorry. Bit discriptive for an all age forum.

JACOBryanBURNS
27-03-06, 04:30
Wow. I'm personally not so much offended, as a gay man, as I am appalled. Clearly this cannot be serious. And if it is, then, wow, ignorance abounds. And the thing about the sandals... wasn't it my understanding that Jesus himself wore sandals? Does that make HIM a raging homo? I think not. And as scoff-inducing as this may be, it wouldn't surprise me one bit if some people actually considered this to be an actual statement. I have heard some pretty bogus intel from churches before. Ha. Well, all I have to say is, I'm gay, I pray, get over it Christianity. :p

SUGARPIE
27-03-06, 04:40
Well said JACO. It may be a joke but as I said before in an earlier post, it wouldn't surprise me if some sanctimonious old blighter had said this in a sermon somewhere!!

Totally funny if taken in context but many clerics are the very reflection of hypocricy. I am straight but I have a few gay male friends and they have always been like a breath of fresh air to me :wve:

Belfastard
27-03-06, 04:43
I am straight but I have a few gay male friends and they have always been like a breath of fresh air to me :wve:


:wve:

DREWY
27-03-06, 04:44
Bit of tolerance maybe here. If it was written long ago then maybe they were just misguided. If it was written recently, don't you feel sorry for someone with such a closed mind?
Then, if its a joke, they got you!!

JACOBryanBURNS
27-03-06, 04:47
LMAO! I just read through it again.

An artichoke stuffed with tuna fish will usually do the trick.

LMAO. I'm sorry, but if that's a reminder of female genetalia, then bring on the hot dogs and corn on the cob, because that is just absolutely AWFUL. :vlol:

SUGARPIE
27-03-06, 04:48
It's a joke but I can see how some would be offended by it. It is very politically uncorrect :p

:wve: to Darren :hug:

Belfastard
27-03-06, 04:50
:hug: to Lo.

Jacob x5
27-03-06, 05:00
That is hilarious! :vlol: :vlol: :vlol: :vlol: :tmb:
It's a joke people. Stop getting your knickers in a twist. :rolleyes:

:vlol: Was there a pun intended there? ;)

Well, that's very funny. Really though, some people are actually like that.

HollabackBoy
27-03-06, 05:09
Totally funny if taken in context but many clerics are the very reflection of hypocricy. I am straight but I have a few gay male friends and they have always been like a breath of fresh air to me :wve:

That's sweet. :wve: :hug:

imaginarylight
27-03-06, 06:09
ewww.. its not ok to play with dolls but to expirement with your sister, ugghh. Thats Disgusting

And I guess all my straight friends are actually gay because

1.most of them where sandles

2.some of them dont finish all there food on their plate

3.they like corn on the cob, and all of the othere foods on there

4.they all sit when they pee........ j/k lol!

that list ahs to be a joke if it isnt those people are morons.

TombRaiderLover
27-03-06, 07:37
OMG, I have to agree with the thread title!

Mister Mike
27-03-06, 08:13
If only my parents had read this 21 years ago... :vlol:

MiCkiZ88
27-03-06, 08:24
wow that's funny.. what's wrong playing with dolls :D

JamesFKirk
27-03-06, 08:50
This goes way beyond funny, even beyond ridiculous. I haven't seen such bunch of nonsense for a very long time.

YvesSL
27-03-06, 08:54
The most stupid thing EVER!!

Mona Sax
27-03-06, 08:59
It's a satire. The only people who should be offended are ultra-conservative fundamentalists who actually think of homosexuality as a curable sickness because it's them this "pamphlet" is making fun of.

EscondeR
27-03-06, 09:15
Ridiculous, huh
Some places make me sick http://img55.imageshack.us/img55/8488/10254kh.gif

-- Hate (those) clericals --

Greenkey2
27-03-06, 09:25
Even as a joke.....complete and utter pig swallow. Have you seen the stuff pigs eat? :pi:


Yep, it's that bad.

Jonnipants
27-03-06, 11:25
I'm gay and found the first paragraph highly offensive and chose to stop reading.

But hey, that's just me for ya.

-pickets- :cen:

Ampersand
27-03-06, 12:37
Mona's right, this is a joke thing. I read a similar one once about how to stop your children become evil goths. :cln:

misiaq
27-03-06, 13:17
Oh no, I must be gay, because i play football (soccer for some), am european, i pee sitting whenever i'm too drunk to stand and not make a mess of someones bathroom, and i'm catholic:p. What's their address?

Mind you, there are people that think that way, unfortunately.

CatSuit&Ponytail
27-03-06, 14:59
It's a sardonic ironic satirical JOKE. It's meant to be taken tongue in cheek....all except this: ...are either European or Homosexual and in America there is no difference between the two.<---that's completely true. :vlol::p;)

jamieoliver22
27-03-06, 15:41
Oh.. My... God.. (no pun intented).

'Christian parents should remove and destroy any suspiciously colored crayons from their boy's box of Crayolas.' << WTF!?

Belfastard
27-03-06, 16:30
It's a satire. The only people who should be offended are ultra-conservative fundamentalists who actually think of homosexuality as a curable sickness because it's them this "pamphlet" is making fun of.

Totally agree. :wve:

Belfastard
27-03-06, 16:31
I'm gay and found the first paragraph highly offensive and chose to stop reading.

But hey, that's just me for ya.

-pickets- :cen:

Read what Mona said. :rolleyes:

I'm gay and found it extremely funny.

I think it's good I can laugh @ myself.