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gazhammer
28-04-06, 09:17
Went to the Doctors last week and he told me there was good news and bad news, the bad news was that i had Parkinsons disease, the good news was, he said i'd SHAKE it off in a day or two!.:D

Remember its a joke.:p

Maureen Errant
28-04-06, 09:21
:vlol: :vlol: :vlol:

Can never remember jokes..............but I am really good with limericks


There once was a girl from Nantucket,
Who said that she would love to...........:whi:

gazhammer
28-04-06, 09:24
:vlol: :vlol: :vlol:

Can never remember jokes..............but I am really good with limericks


There once was a girl from Nantucket,
Who said that she would love to...........:whi:

:vlol:

Do you know.... "There was a young boy from Gosham"?.:D

Maureen Errant
28-04-06, 09:28
:vlol:

Do you know.... "There was a young boy from Gosham"?.:D

:jmp: :jmp:
I'm going to say G'night Gaz......have to get up in 5 hours. Had a lot of fun.............:gki: Have to make a date and do it again.....:whi:

gazhammer
28-04-06, 09:30
:jmp: :jmp:
I'm going to say G'night Gaz......have to get up in 5 hours. Had a lot of fun.............:gki: Have to make a date and do it again.....:whi:


Surely will............Heres wishing you some sweet dreams:gki:

Greenkey2
28-04-06, 09:33
Sleep well Maureen! :wve: :hug:


Jokes hmmmm........here's one I heard yesterday.

A man says to his wife, "You're so beautiful, if only you weren't so stupid!" The wife answers, "Well at least you're honest. I must be beautiful because you proposed to me, and I must be stupid because I accepted".

gazhammer
28-04-06, 09:37
Sleep well Maureen! :wve: :hug:


Jokes hmmmm........here's one I heard yesterday.

A man says to his wife, "You're so beautiful, if only you weren't so stupid!" The wife answers, "Well at least you're honest. I must be beautiful because you proposed to me, and I must be stupid because I accepted".

:vlol:

How about this?.

A guy in a wheelchair came up to me yesterday and said, "Excuse me mate, can you lend me a tenner till i get on my feet"?.:D

Greenkey2
28-04-06, 09:38
Lol! :D


What's black and white and red at the bottom?

A penguin with nappy rash.

Ampersand
28-04-06, 09:39
A woman was out golfing one day when she hit the ball into the woods. She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap.

The frog said to her, "If you release me from this trap, I will grant you three wishes."

The woman freed the frog, and the frog said, "Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes. Whatever you wish for, your husband will get times ten!"

The woman said, "That's okay."

For her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world. The frog warned her, "You do realize that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis whom women will flock to?”

The woman replied, "That's okay, because I will be the most beautiful woman and he will have eyes only for me."

So, KAZAM - she's the most beautiful woman in the world! For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world. The frog said, "That will make your husband the richest man in the world. And he will be ten times richer than you."

The woman said, "That's okay, because what's mine is his, and what's his is mine." So, KAZAM - she's the richest woman in the world!

The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered, "I'd like a mild heart attack."

Moral of the story: Women are clever. Don't mess with them.

Attention female readers:
This is the end of the joke for you. Stop here and continue feeling good. :cln: :D

Male readers:
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The man had a heart attack ten times milder than his wife!!! :p :hea:

*canned laughter* :o

Greenkey2
28-04-06, 09:42
Moral of the story: Women are clever. Don't mess with them.

:D

Lol on the joke :vlol:

gazhammer
28-04-06, 09:44
:vlol:

Greenkey2
28-04-06, 09:45
Question: What's green and goes backwards?
Answer: *sniff*


:ton:

Ampersand
28-04-06, 09:46
Erm...a fruit skin on a cat's head? :pi:

Angel_14
28-04-06, 09:48
lol! :D I have one too

Little Mark talks to his friend in the school
-And what did your father said, when you dropped the hammer on his feet?
-Should I say the dirty words?
-Please, no...
-Than nothing...

:D

gazhammer
28-04-06, 09:49
Q:How do you stop a Bully drowning?.

A:Take your foot of his head!.:D

Greenkey2
28-04-06, 09:49
Erm...a fruit skin on a cat's head? :pi:
It's the opposite of a (messy) sneeze........:o it's quite disgusting but then, I did learn this one at school ;)

Ampersand
28-04-06, 09:54
It's the opposite of a (messy) sneeze........:o it's quite disgusting but then, I did learn this one at school ;)

Ew, that's disgusting! :cln: School humour! Funny, though. :p

ace_85
28-04-06, 10:06
Mr Smith walks out into his back yard one afternoon and notices his neighbour's son, little Jimmy, patting down some earth with a spade. He wanders over and leans across the fence, and as he does he notices little Jimmy is crying. ''Are you OK, Jimmy?'' he asks ''What is wrong?"
"I'm crying because I've just had to bury my goldfish" replies Jimmy
"Oh, that's terribly sad, but these things happen I'm afraid Jimmy. You could always ask your mother for a new one"
Then Mr Smith notices something odd. " I hope you don't mind me saying, Jimmy, but the hole seems awfully big for a goldfish"
"I know" says Jimmy "That's because he's inside your ****ing cat"

:D

Ampersand
28-04-06, 10:08
:eek: :vlol: :vlol:

jarhead
28-04-06, 10:15
are we allowed blonde jokes, as long as their not rude.

gazhammer
28-04-06, 10:18
are we allowed blonde jokes, as long as their not rude.

You mean Blonde Bimbo kinda jokes?...... yeah course!.:D

jarhead
28-04-06, 10:22
pulls out the massive folder i have off them.




Monday: Now home from our honeymoon and settled in our new home. It's fun to cook for Bill. Today I made an angel food cake and the recipe said, "beat 12 eggs separately." Well, I only had four bowls, so I had to borrow eight more from the neighbors to beat the eggs in, but the cake turned out fine!
Tuesday: I thought I'd surprise Bill with a fruit salad for supper. The recipe said "serve without dressing". Bill happened to bring a friend home for supper, and did they ever look surprised when I served that salad!

Wednesday: I decided to serve rice and found a recipe which said, "wash thoroughly before steaming the rice". So I heated some water and took a bath before steaming the rice. I can't say it improved the rice any.

Thursday: Today Bill asked for salad again. I tried a new recipe. It said, "prepare ingredients, then toss on a bed of lettuce one hour before serving." I went next door to my Mom's garden and tossed my salad into the bed of lettuce and stood over there one hour so the dog would not take it. Bill came over and asked if I felt all right. I wonder why?

Friday: Today I found an easy recipe for cookies. It said, "put all ingredients in a bowl and beat it." Beat it I did, right over to my mom's house. There must have been something wrong with the recipe, because when I came back home again it looked the same as when I left it.

Saturday: Bill went shopping today and brought home a chicken. He asked me to dress it for dinner. I sure don't know how chickens dress for dinner, but I found an old scarf and made a cute little pair of pants for it! I thought it looked darling! When Bill saw it he made a funny strangling sound and then counted very slowly to 10!

Sunday: Today Bill's folks came to dinner. I wanted to serve roast, but all we had in the fridge was hamburger. So I put the hamburger in my new oven and set the control for "roast". The oven must not be working right because it still came out hamburger!

Monday: I was going to bake bread today. The recipe said, "mix well and knead well. Then stand in a warm place until double in bulk." I just won't bake bread if I have to double in bulk!


i have sooo many blonde jokes i dont no were to start

Ampersand
28-04-06, 10:27
:vlol: :vlol: :vlol:

jarhead
28-04-06, 10:29
Three women are about to be executed for crimes.


One's a brunette, one's a redhead, and one's a blonde.


Two guards bring the brunette forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She says no, and the executioner shouts,
"Ready . . . Aim . . ."





Suddenly the brunette yells, "earthquake!!" Everyone is startled and looks around. She manages to escape.



The angry guards then bring the redhead forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She says no, and the executioner shouts,

"Ready . . . Aim . . ."



The redhead then screams, "tornado!!" Yet again, everyone is startled and looks around. She too escapes execution.



By this point, the blonde has figured out what the others did.
The guards bring her forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She also says no, and the executioner shouts,





"Ready . . . Aim . . ."



The blonde shouts, "Fire!!"

Ampersand
28-04-06, 10:34
That's genius. :vlol:

jarhead
28-04-06, 10:40
Q: Why did the blonde only smell good on the right side?
A: she didn't know where to buy Left Guard!
.................................................. ...............................................

a blonde, brunette and redhead are at a pub, but are slightly attracted to a mirror. then the brunnette touches it. suddenyl a genie appears and grants them one wish if they can tell the truth about them. if they lie, they will vanish forever

the brunette is up first
" i think im the most beautiful woman in the world"

KA-BANG

the brunette was sucked up into the mirror and gopne, vanished etc etc. the genie said that she lied. the redneck cant believe it, but still thihnks that she can have her one big chance of getting her one wish come true.

"i think i have the biggest boobs in england"

the genie takes one l;ook at her, give a funny smile and POOF- she gone for lying.
then the blonde wants a turn, but is extra carefull because her 2 friends have gone, so she replies carefully.

" i think

KA-BANG

StormHarvey
28-04-06, 10:56
lmao :vlol: i like the last one! err..no offense blondies..^_^