View Full Version : the best joke thread

23-05-06, 19:08

23-05-06, 19:12
Is it just me, or do you really open unusualy many threads these days? :D

Anyway, I'm not very good in jokes, but I would love to read some... ;)

23-05-06, 19:55

23-05-06, 20:02
knock knock

23-05-06, 20:07
whos there??

23-05-06, 20:11

23-05-06, 20:13
m who?

Lara Croft!
23-05-06, 20:20
make useful threads!!!!LOL

23-05-06, 20:21
m who?
moo thats who

Lone Raider
23-05-06, 21:00
An married couple decided to go down South to thaw out during a
particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where
they spent their honeymoon 20 years before. Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel. So, the husband left home on Thursday, with his wife planning to join him following day.

The husband checked into the hotel, and unlike years ago, there was a
computer in his room, so he decided to send an email to his wife.
However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email address, and
without noticing his error, sent the email.

Meanwhile...somewhere across the world, a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral. He was a minister who was called home to glory after suffering a heart attack. The widow decided to check her e-mail, expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she screamed and fainted. The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and then glanced up and saw the computer screen which read:

To: My Loving Wife
Date: Thursday, October 13, 2004
Subject: I have arrived!

Dearest Love: I know you will be surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now, and you are allowed to send e-mail to your loved ones. I have just arrived and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow, and look forward to seeing you then. Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.

PS Sure is freaking hot down here!!

23-05-06, 21:03
lmao, I remember that one :D
For those who don't -- that is an actual article from a newspaper or magazine or something :p
Isn't it?

Lone Raider
23-05-06, 21:07
think so :D

23-05-06, 21:07
make useful threads!!!!LOL
haha nice one..

@Lone Raider: i've never heard that one.. very funny!! :vlol:

23-05-06, 21:11
make useful threads!!!!LOL

lol! :D

23-05-06, 21:50
If Lone Raider didn't post this joke, I would close the thread, because elliotcroft has a tendency to make threads like this, with replies "knock knock" etc. Something that just gave him a 7 days vacation, a period that will make him think before posting again (I hope). The next time will be permanent.

23-05-06, 21:59
Good move, I say.

Hmm, jokes... Do you guys know Bash.org? It's a site full of quotes from chat conversations... Some are absolutely hilarious. Let me see if I can find some decent ones :p

EDIT: Okay, most may not be suitable for all ages. This one's pretty head-on though.. :D

DragonflyBlade21: A woman has a close male friend. This means that he is probably interested in her, which is why he hangs around so much. She sees him strictly as a friend. This always starts out with, you're a great guy, but I don't like you in that way. This is roughly the equivalent for the guy of going to a job interview and the company saying, You have a great resume, you have all the qualifications we are looking for, but we're not going to hire you. We will, however, use your resume as the basis for comparison for all other applicants. But, we're going to hire somebody who is far less qualified and is probably an alcoholic. And if he doesn't work out, we'll hire somebody else, but still not you. In fact, we will never hire you. But we will call you from time to time to complain about the person that we hired.

23-05-06, 22:26
A burglar breaks into an isolated country house after watching the whole family depart for a night out on the town. As he creeps across the darkened living room he hears a voice saying: "I can see you..... and Jesus can see you". The burglar shines his penlight torch around the room, but sees nothing. He takes another step, and he hears it again: "I can see you..... and Jesus can see you". This time he realizes the voice comes from above, and when he shines his torch around he sees a parrot sitting on top of a cupboard. It looks him in the eye and says: "I can see you..... and Jesus can see you". The burglar laughs and says "You're just a parrot". The parrot looks him in the eye and says "I'm a parrot and my name is Ebenezer". The burglar laughs again, and says "Ebenezer is a pretty silly name for a parrot". The parrot looks him in the eye, waits until he has stopped laughing, and says:
"I agree completely......
....and Jesus is a pretty silly name for a rotweiler".

23-05-06, 22:28
I've heard a slightly different version of that, Drewy. One of my favorite jokes ever :tmb:

23-05-06, 22:36
moo thats who

-falls over laughing- :hea:

23-05-06, 22:53
Try another
Two little kids, aged six and eight, decide it's time to learn how to swear. So, the eight-year-old says to the six-year-old, "Okay, you say `ass' and I'll say `hell'". All excited about their plan, they troop downstairs, where their mother asks them what they'd like for breakfast. "Aw, hell," says the eight-year-old, "gimme some Cheerios." His mother backhands him off the stool, sending him bawling out of the room, and turns to the younger brother. "What'll you have?"
"I dunno," quavers the six-year-old, "but you can bet your ass it ain't gonna be Cheerios

23-05-06, 23:09
hahahaah your jokes are really funny DREWY.. i'm laughing my ass of here.. :vlol: very nice :tmb:

24-05-06, 02:36
here are a couple of good ones:

One night a father sent his kid to bed. Five minutes later the boy screamed, ''Dad! Can you get me a glass of water!?!''

''No. You had your chance.''

A minute later the boy screamed ''Dad!! Can you get me a glass of water?''

''No. You had your chance. Next time you ask I'll come up there and spank you.''

''Dad! When you come up to spank me can you bring me a glass or water?''

*** *** ***
A man is at his laywer's funeral and and is suprised by the turnout for this one man. He turns to the people around him. “Why are you all at this man's funeral?”
A man turns towards him and says, “We're all clients.”
“And you ALL came to pay your respects? How touching.”
“No, we came to make sure he was dead.”

24-05-06, 02:48
OK Time for a little Johnny joke. This is one of my favorites-

Little Johnny comes home from Catholic school with a black eye. His
father sees
it and says, "Johnny, how many times do I have to tell you not to fight
with the
other boys?"

"But Dad," said Johnny, "It wasn't my fault. We were all in church saying
prayers. We all stood up and my teacher in front of me had her dress in
crack of her butt. I reached over and pulled it out. That's when she hit

"Johnny", the father said, "You don't do those kind of things to women!
leave it alone!"

Sure enough, the very next day Johnny came home with the other eye black
blue. Johnny's father said, "Johnny, I thought we had a talk about this!"

"But Dad," Johnny said, "It wasn't my fault. There we were in church
our prayers. We all stood up and my teacher in front of us had her dress
the crack of her butt. Then Louie who was sitting next to me saw it and
reached over and pulled it out. But now I know she doesn't like that, so
pushed it back in!"

24-05-06, 02:49
this whole thread is a joke..LOL..just kidding :p

24-05-06, 03:02
A brunette is trying to get across a river and suddenly she spots a blonde on the other side. She yells over to the blonde "Hey, excuse me! How do I get over to the other side?" And after a quick survey of the river, the blonde calls back "You ARE on the other side!"
Blonde Inventions
1. The water-proof towel
2. Solar powered flashlight
3. Submarine screen door
4. A book on how to read
5. Inflatable dart board
6. A dictionary index
7. Ejector seat in a helicopter
8. Powdered water
9. Pedal-powered wheel chair
10. Water-proof tea bag
A plane is on its way to Montreal when a blonde in Economy Class gets up and moves to the First Class section and sits down. The flight attendant watches her do this and asks to see her ticket. She then tells the blonde that she paid for economy and that she will have go sit in the back.

The blonde replies "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Montreal and I'm staying right here!" The flight attendant goes into the cockpit and tells the pilot and co-pilot that there is some blonde bimbo sitting in First Class that belongs in Economy and won't move back to her seat.

The co-pilot goes back to the blonde and tries to explain that because she only paid for Economy she will have to leave and return to her seat. The blonde replies, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Montreal and I'm staying right here!" The co-pilot tells the pilot that he probably should have the police waiting when they land to arrest this blonde woman that won't listen to reason.

The pilot says "I'll handle this. I'm married to a blonde and I have learned to speak 'blonde'!" He goes back to the blonde, whispers in her ear, and without question she gets up and moves back to her seat in the Economy section. The flight attendant and co-pilot are amazed and ask him what he said to make her move without any fuss. "I told her First Class isn't going to Montreal."
One day after work a man decides to go to the pub, he orders a beer and when he's about to drink it a monkey comes down from the ceiling and steals the guys beer
"Who owns that monkey!!" demands the man
"The organ grinder over there" replies the barman
The man is furious and walks straight up to the organ grinder and says
"Do you know your monkey just stole my beer?"
the organ grinder replies
"No but if you hum it i'll play it for you"