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View Full Version : What You Don't Want to Hear from Crystal Dynamics


kewlkyle64
13-01-07, 02:19
OK, I think this thread has been made before, anyways, here goes.

Post a fake letter of what you don't want to hear from Crystal Dynamics about what's going to be in TR8. For example:

Dear Recipent,

We have decided we are going to make the Tomb Raider game a lot easier, shorter (this time levels will take less than 20 minutes each!), and we are changing the name of Lara Croft to Laura Cruft because most Americans are too lazy to pronounce Lara, and end up saying Laura anyways.

Also, we will now bring back Kurtis in time traveling action! See him as a baby, teenager, and even the moment before he dies! Also, you can now play The Sims: Tomb Raider as a minigame!

Finally, we are going to put tons more mercaneries in and way less animals. Four leaopords was way too much!

Happy Gaming!

Sincerely,
Crystal Dynamics

So, post away! :D

PARANOIA
13-01-07, 02:22
For something similar, check out this:

http://www.tombraiderforums.com/showpost.php?p=1495209&postcount=105

As for the letter...

Dear Recipient...

We are sorry to say that Eidos has recalled multiple products in the Tomb Raider series. This includes:

* Tomb Raider I
* Tomb Raider II
* Tomb Raider: Adventures of Lara Croft
* Tomb Raider: The Last Revelation
* Tomb Raider: Chronicles
* Tomb Raider: Angel of Darkness
* Tomb Raider Level Editor

The reason that these were recalled was due to legal troubles involving the creation and public distribution of illegal "fangames" based on the Core engine, and the infringement of copyrights as a result. As of right now, all of the above are now discontinued, and it is now illegal to own a copy of the said games. You are advised to delete them from your hard drive immediately. In the release of the next game, Eidos will incorporate a copy protection that will delete all traces of the illegal games. Any attempt to reinstall them will result in all Eidos games being permanently removed from your hard drive. You will also be referred to an Eidos defense attorney for litigation.

Sincerely,
Crystal Dynamics

Spitfire
13-01-07, 05:32
OK, I think this thread has been made before, anyways, here goes.

Post a fake letter of what you don't want to hear from Crystal Dynamics about what's going to be in TR8. For example:

Dear Recipent,

We have decided we are going to make the Tomb Raider game a lot easier, shorter (this time levels will take less than 20 minutes each!), and we are changing the name of Lara Croft to Laura Cruft because most Americans are too lazy to pronounce Lara, and end up saying Laura anyways.

Also, we will now bring back Kurtis in time traveling action! See him as a baby, teenager, and even the moment before he dies! Also, you can now play The Sims: Tomb Raider as a minigame!

Finally, we are going to put tons more mercaneries in and way less animals. Four leaopords was way too much!

Happy Gaming!

Sincerely,
Crystal Dynamics

So, post away! :D

Just a side note, as an american, i would hate it if they called her Laura...Lara makes her sound more authentic and british :D

Terminatorvs
13-01-07, 08:31
Dear Terminatorvs. Were happy to inform you that we borrowed Cores engine and will release TR8 based entirely on the grid system and an 8-year old graphics engine. Hope you like it. NOT!
Crystal Dynamics

mizuno_suisei
13-01-07, 08:46
Dear Reader,
We would hate to dissapoint you *mwahaha* but We have become bored with Lara, So we are scrapping TRA and any future games. Lara Croft is going down i tell you! DOWN *mwahahahahaa* Core cannot continue her Legacy as we have Kidnapped the whole Designing Team :)

Feel free to Send us an Email for any requiries at crystalsucks@cd.com
And we will reply to your email hopefully between 2020 and 3020 :)

Thankyou for reading

The CD Team,

tomblover
13-01-07, 08:56
Mr. Tomblover

We are very happy to inform you that the Lara Croft: Tomb Raider Anniversary story is going to be based on Lara Croft: Tomb Raider Legend's story. Lara will be searching for a portal leading to Avalon, and that portal is in Atlantis. You must travel to Peru, an unknown location in Europe and Egypt, to acquire parts of the ancient artifact Scion. That artefact will grant her entrance to Atlantis. But it can't all be that easy, no. Amanda's mother, Louise Evert (You knew her as Jacqueline Natla in the original game.) doesn't want you to ruin Amanda's dreams, so she's going to do everything she can to stop you.

*Shivers with fear* Beat that. http://209.85.12.227/426/147/emo/ranting.gif (javascript:add_smilie()

Jacob x5
13-01-07, 11:44
Dear Recipent,

We have decided we are going to make the Tomb Raider game a lot easier, shorter (this time levels will take less than 20 minutes each!), and we are changing the name of Lara Croft to Laura Cruft because most Americans are too lazy to pronounce Lara, and end up saying Laura anyways.

Also, we will now bring back Kurtis in time traveling action! See him as a baby, teenager, and even the moment before he dies! Also, you can now play The Sims: Tomb Raider as a minigame!

Finally, we are going to put tons more mercaneries in and way less animals. Four leaopords was way too much!

Happy Gaming!

Sincerely,
Crystal Dynamics

This is the best so far. :D :tmb:

Bullethail
13-01-07, 11:50
Dear recipient,
We are happy to announce that we will soon release Tomb Raider: Redneck Style! New weapons include: twelve gauge, 7mm. hunting rifle, and Molotov cocktails! New vehicles: tractor, jalopy, and as a special secret, a gigantic semi-truck! Hope everyone enjoys it!

CD

Janny
13-01-07, 11:54
New vehicles: tractor, jalopy, and as a special secret, a gigantic semi-truck! Hope everyone enjoys it!
CD


And we will reply to your email hopefully between 2020 and 3020 :)

You guys are too good!The best ones IMO :vlol:! Although not so veridical, they are just too funny!

Angelus
13-01-07, 14:14
Dear Angelus,
After getting feedback from you on our first TR game (Legend), we have decided to completely ignore all of it. We will have 5 levels in the next TR game, and the current story arc will run for 4 more games. Lara will only be able to have the pistols, and only one medipack. The mercenaries from Legend will be easier to defeat, and they will completely take over from animals. Zip and Alister will have a more dominant role, and Zip will tell you everything you need to know about how to solve a puzzle. Also, Lara will have blonde hair. Thank you, enjoy your day.

Crystal Dynamics

Rivendell
13-01-07, 14:23
Dear reader,
We have via a loophole in the law tricked the publishers into giving all the rights of Tomb Raider to us. We're here to stay. Forever.

*Shudder*

Or

Dear Reader,
We've made Tomb Raider Anniversary the most realistic Tomb Raider yet.

One paw from a bear and she'll die.
A nip in the right place from a bat and it's game over.
Fall more than a few feet and Lara will be limping from a damaged ankle. Now Lara needs to sleep to regain her health!
Have fun with taking Lara to the toilet in our Interactive cutscenes!
No more traps - we've made the game as easy as possible for our younger fans!
Look at Lara's new clothes - now Lara's gear is completely customisable, as are her accessories.
Lara now has a mind of her own - stray too near a cliff edge and Lara will retreat back to safety.
Blackouts galore! Because nobody wants to see Lara die!
If Lara stands too near an explosion, she'll lose her hearing - the audio will mute until she visits an ear specialist!
No more Natla - it's the return of the villainous Amanda in this spectacular cockup on behalf of our researching team, as she tries to get to Avalon through Atlantis!
Say goodbye to exploration - this will be the shortest, sharpest most thrilling ride yet!



*Cries*

xMyrax
13-01-07, 14:26
Dear Reader,
We've made Tomb Raider Anniversary the most realistic Tomb Raider yet.

One paw from a bear and she'll die.
A nip in the right place from a bat and it's game over.
Fall more than a few feet and Lara will be limping from a damaged ankle.
Now Lara needs to sleep to regain her health!
Have fun with taking Lara to the toilet in our Interactive cutscenes!
No more traps - we've made the game as easy as possible for our younger fans!
Look at Lara's new clothes - now Lara's gear is completely customisable, as are her accessories.
Lara now has a mind of her own - stray too near a cliff edge and Lara will retreat back to safety.
Blackouts galore! Because nobody wants to see Lara die!
If Lara stands too near an explosion, she'll lose her hearing - the audio will mute until she visits an ear specialist!
No more Natla - it's the return of the villainous Amanda in this spectacular cockup on behalf of our researching team, as she tries to get to Avalon through Atlantis!
Say goodbye to exploration - this will be the shortest, sharpest most thrilling ride yet!
*Cries*

:vlol::vlol: Now that would be terrifying XD

Angel_14
13-01-07, 14:31
Dear Angel,

We're really glad, that you sent us a letter. However you sent the letter before the release of Tomb Raider: Legend, we could not read it, because we were too busy with designing Lara's chest under her shirt, and designing her dresses.

We don't really have future plans, but we're sure, that TR9 is not going to be hard, because we do not want to confuse those, who never touched a controller.

Also, we will put a lot of new feature in TR8, like hairstyle choosing, choosing the color shade for Lara's nail and a lot of fun things like this. And for those, who do not like Zip and Alister, we put in an option, where you can choose between 'Annoying talking' and 'Lame joke telling'. Sadly, we did not have time for putting in an on/off feature, since Lara's appearance is more important. (Hey, she is the main character! She must look good)

And if you did not like Lara's behavior in Legend, don't worry, because now she will be more human! You will be amazed, how realistic are the tears in her eyes, when she meets with her mother!

Sadly, we can't tell more, because whatever you say, we will probably ignore it...

Thank you for reading this

Crystal Dynamics

PARANOIA
13-01-07, 14:35
Now, something I'd LIKE to hear from Crystal Dynamics:

Dear sir...
We regret to inform you that the Crystal Dynamics company no longer has intellectual property of the Tomb Raider series. The series is now under a three-way ownership between Valve Software (creator of Half-Life), Rockstar Games, and iD Software. Toby Gard, one of the lead designers of the original series, has also been laid off due to budget distribution in other areas. We hope that you continue to enjoy our games.

Crystal Dynamics

Phlip
13-01-07, 14:39
these are hilarious!!!! :vlol: :vlol:

Lavinder
13-01-07, 14:40
Lara now has a mind of her own - stray too near a cliff edge and Lara will retreat back to safety

Don't give CD ideas! I really think they would do this :p

Mad Tony
13-01-07, 14:41
Dear reader,
We have via a loophole in the law tricked the publishers into giving all the rights of Tomb Raider to us. We're here to stay. Forever.

*Shudder*

Or

Dear Reader,
We've made Tomb Raider Anniversary the most realistic Tomb Raider yet.

One paw from a bear and she'll die.
A nip in the right place from a bat and it's game over.
Fall more than a few feet and Lara will be limping from a damaged ankle. Now Lara needs to sleep to regain her health!
Have fun with taking Lara to the toilet in our Interactive cutscenes!
No more traps - we've made the game as easy as possible for our younger fans!
Look at Lara's new clothes - now Lara's gear is completely customisable, as are her accessories.
Lara now has a mind of her own - stray too near a cliff edge and Lara will retreat back to safety.
Blackouts galore! Because nobody wants to see Lara die!
If Lara stands too near an explosion, she'll lose her hearing - the audio will mute until she visits an ear specialist!
No more Natla - it's the return of the villainous Amanda in this spectacular cockup on behalf of our researching team, as she tries to get to Avalon through Atlantis!
Say goodbye to exploration - this will be the shortest, sharpest most thrilling ride yet!



*Cries*

:vlol:
:tmb:

Dear Reader

We are delighted to give you an inside look on TR 9.
TR 9 will be Lara searching for her long lost fairy god mother, who was captured by the evil faeries and is being held in the happy teddy bear land.
Of course, Zip and Alister will be included and the auto grab has undergone an awesome improvement. Tap square, and Lara will automatically be transported across the gap!
There is no feeling of isolation, and certainly no blood.
TR 9 will be the game for all the family!

Crystal Dynamics

*Shudders*

Angel_14
13-01-07, 14:44
Tap square, and Lara will automatically be transported across the gap!
There is no feeling of isolation, and certainly no blood.

I almost chocked on my orange juice, when I read this! :vlol: :vlol:

Rivendell
13-01-07, 14:46
I forgot to add: TR will now include auto-jump!

:yik:

Hyper_Crazy
13-01-07, 14:48
Dear Reader,
We have decided to completley ignore all the complaints against Legend and make Tomb Raider easier.The levels will now be 5 minutes long with many interactive cutscenes. Zip and Alister will also tell you where to go so you don't get confused. You only get to dual pistols and 2 medipacks not forgetting the grappling hook with the bright pink shining objects showing that the grapple can be used with it. We decided to get rid of the PLS/LED and make all rooms bright, this is for those people who are scared of the dark so it isn't scary.

New locations such as Neverland, Wonderland and Port Royal. With these new locations comes new characters such as Peter Pan, Alice, Jack Sparrow. Don't forget the all new magic spells suck as "Medipack!"

New features such as "Lets dress up Lara" where you can change her hairstyle her clothes and the colour of her nails.

Enemies are now all Mercs. But lets don't forget Miss Evert and her long losed cousin Natla, these two will team up to give Lara a new makeover!

We are sure that out TR games will last forever and we will never see Core again. Thanks for reading and if you have any other further questions please visit our website at www.CystalDynamicsBarbieLara.com or email us at CrystalDynamicsTombRaider@CD.com

From CD

george_croft
13-01-07, 14:49
Dear Tomb Raider Fans..

We would like to inform you that Kurtis, aka SPAM, will have a roll in the next coming nine TR games! He will also feature in the next TR movie, and we will probably make a spin-off with Kurtis!!

Kurtis 4ever, yours always, Crystal Dynamics:wve:

____________


My dramatic reaction : AAAAAHH, NOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!:yik: :cen: :hea: :cen: :mad:

Rivendell
13-01-07, 14:53
Would you care even if he wasn't playable? ;)

george_croft
13-01-07, 14:55
^ ^ Pff, I don't want him near Lara, or TR what so ever;) !!!!!

Hyper_Crazy
13-01-07, 14:58
Dear Reader,
We have decided to completley ignore all the complaints against Legend and make Tomb Raider easier.The levels will now be 5 minutes long with many interactive cutscenes. Zip and Alister will also tell you where to go so you don't get confused. You only get to dual pistols and 2 medipacks not forgetting the grappling hook with the bright pink shining objects showing that the grapple can be used with it. We decided to get rid of the PLS/LED and make all rooms bright, this is for those people who are scared of the dark so it isn't scary.

New locations such as Neverland, Wonderland and Port Royal. With these new locations comes new characters such as Peter Pan, Alice, Jack Sparrow. Don't forget the all new magic spells suck as "Medipack!" And guess who is back......yes its our favourite charcter ever from AoD its Janice!!

New features such as "Lets dress up Lara" where you can change her hairstyle her clothes and the colour of her nails.

Enemies are now all Mercs. But lets don't forget Miss Evert and her long lossed cousin Natla, these two will team up to give Lara a new makeover!

We are sure that out TR games will last forever and we will never see Core again. Thanks for reading and if you have any other further questions please visit our website at www.CystalDynamicsBarbieLara.com or email us at CrystalDynamicsTombRaider@CD.com

From CD

P.S - We own TR now not Eidos hahahahahahaha!!!!


Random

Rivendell
13-01-07, 14:59
^ ^ Pff, I don't want him near Lara, or TR what so ever;) !!!!!

Lol fair enough! :D

I wouldn't care really, as long as they made his purpose a lot clearer. And not such cruddy response to controls ;)

Mad Tony
13-01-07, 15:00
Random
Why did you quote your own post? :confused:

Phlip
13-01-07, 15:00
lets get back to the topic, heres what I'd hate to hear:

We at Crystal Dynamics are delighted to inform you that we are going to make the game as easy as possible and the new storyline is that Lara has made friends with Amanda and the evil santa claws has kidnapped her, so it's up to lara to rescue her, and the game will have 3 10 minute long levels and don't panic, zip & alister are going to keep you company with all their chatting and funny jokes, they will tell you exactly where to go, and get your hopes up for our newest features auto jump and autograb, so lara will never get lost.

and we've added a realistic touch to the game, if you wear a gun on your back, lara will go very slow so you'll have to discard it to gt quicker, lastly, there is no health of breath bar (Lara won't go in water, too scary) lara will have lives eg 1 hit and lara flashes up with 1 life taken away.

yours sincerley Crystal dynamics, hava a nice day.

Hyper_Crazy
13-01-07, 15:02
Why did you quote your own post? :confused:

Sorry about that I put it in the wrong thread.

Phlip
13-01-07, 15:04
Would you care even if he wasn't playable? ;)

^ ^ Pff, I don't want him near Lara, or TR what so ever;) !!!!!

Random

Lol fair enough! :D

I wouldn't care really, as long as they made his purpose a lot clearer. And not such cruddy response to controls ;)

Why did you quote your own post? :confused:

Sorry about that I put it in the wrong thread.

OH!:mad: please just get back on the topic!:cen: , this is one of the greatest and funniest threads ever!:jmp:

mizuno_suisei
13-01-07, 15:06
My Version for TR8

*I opened my Email inbox today, with a new message :o*

http://img107.imageshack.us/img107/1576/1oi4.jpg

* I opened the message *

http://img294.imageshack.us/img294/9712/2xp1.jpg

NOT COOL >_>

Phlip
13-01-07, 15:11
My Version for TR8

*I opened my Email inbox today, with a new message :o*

http://img107.imageshack.us/img107/1576/1oi4.jpg

* I opened the message *

http://img294.imageshack.us/img294/9712/2xp1.jpg

NOT COOL >_>

Dildo?
lol

Phlip
13-01-07, 16:03
OH!:mad: please just get back on the topic!:cen: , this is one of the greatest and funniest threads ever!:jmp:

Have I made myself clear? :mad: lol

michaeldt
13-01-07, 17:30
dear michaeldt we here at crystal dynamics are glad to say that for the upcomming TR game we
are going to change lara's attitude to a sweet,innocent lady
and we are also glad to say that there will be no t-rex and there will only be one enemy per level and that the levels will be up to a minuite long.
goodbye.

SpongeBob Lover
13-01-07, 18:24
Have I made myself clear? :mad: lol

some one has a temper problem :D :D

michaeldt
13-01-07, 19:40
Now Lara needs to sleep to regain her health!
Have fun with taking Lara to the toilet in our Interactive cutscenes!


HAHAHAHAHAAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!!!!