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Nireta
15-04-07, 19:49
The title says it all.

Once again I was inspired while playing Tomb Raider II (Yeah it is my favourite Tomb Raider game. How could you guess?) but instead of art we now have writing.

I'm a bit of an amateur writer and my English isn't the best so please excuse any spelling and/or grammar mistakes. Comments and criticism welcome. I like writing and I want to know how too make it better. But do be gentle on me please :o

I couldn't think of a good title and it's really long. Sorry about that.


------"The Dragon"--------

The next chamber was huge, stretching so far in every direction that she could not make out the ends of it. Like the previous room its walls, floor and ceiling, apart from a few vibrant red areas, were made out of solid jade. The green mineral seemed to glow, illuminating the gigantic hall. She stood awestruck at the sheer size of the room before she noticed a familiar black clad form lying upon an altar far in the distance. Cautiously she started forward, keeping a sharp, trained eye out for hidden traps as large empty rooms often had more than one surprise waiting to kill you. This time though there was nothing trying to crush her, stab her, burn her or in other ways make her life miserable and before long she stood before her prize, once again. An artefact that had brought her on a mad race across the world. From the Great Wall of China to the channels of Venice, from there to an offshore rig far out to sea, and then 40 fathoms down to the wreck of the Maria Doria. Through the vast highland of Tibet, to an old monastery, through ancient ice caves and then finally back to the Great wall where her journey had started. Back to the temple of Xian, now with the key needed to access it.

But she had gotten careless. So close to her goal she had though her journey finished, the prize already won. But she was gravely mistaken as the temple had dropped her into a seemingly never-ending maze of traps and pitfalls. She had been so close, just an arms length away. She had made a grave mistake in lowering her guard and it annoyed her. After all this time, to make a mistake only an amateur would do. She had denied the temple the pleasure of another victim, though, as she had skilfully evade everything it had thrown at her. It had been close a few times, that she could admit, but close was not enough to kill you and she would not be swayed from her path.

Unfortunately she found, as she had arrived back in the chamber she had first entered, that the Fiama Nera, the blasted Italian cult that had been nipping at her heels throughout the whole journey, had beaten her too it. Her pathetic stumble at the finishing line had lead to a loss it seemed, but she was not one to admit defeat, not when there was still a chance to claim the prize. And now she stood before it yet again.

The Dagger of Xian was still pierced into the chest of the cult leader Marco Bartoli, the gold details on it’s handle reflecting the faint light of the jade. He had surprised her as she had been watching the cults strange ceremony from the top of the chamber. Surprised her by stabbing the dagger into his own heart. Unexpected as it was, she knew why he had done it. Legend said that the Dagger of Xian would grant you the power of the dragon, if you had the courage to drive it through your heart. She knew from experience that there usually was some truth in legends. She had only a year earlier found the lost continent of Atlantis, or at least what remained of it. A place that had been reduced to mere myth. The truth of the sunken city however, was a lot bloodier than the stories said.

Despite the legend of the daggers powers though, Bartoli lay motionless in front of her. She could not help the amused grin that spread across her face as she looked down at him. “How sad”, she thought, feeling no pity towards the Italian man. “The poor fool was so committed to his belief that he killed himself with the very thing he had been seeking." No sooner than the thought had rung in her head she noticed something was off. The gem at the end of the daggers handle seemed to be gathering the light around it. It seemed almost as if the dagger had heard her thoughts and was enraged by the doubt of its powers. Bright sparks of light zipped toward the gem, which glowed with growing intensity and Lara barely had the time to make a move before it released its rage.

The world exploded in green light and she found herself flying through the air. She landed hard, rolling across the jade floor before coming to a halt, ears ringing and her vision filled with white spots. Temporarily disoriented, blind and deaf she shook her head and tried to figure out what had just happened. There was an alien sound echoing in the chamber and even though she could barely hear it over the ringing of her ears, she knew that she was in deep trouble. Acting purely on instinct she rolled to the side, barely avoiding being barbequed by a jet of flame that hit the spot where she had been laying moments before. Not wasting a second she leaped to her feet in one swift motion, turning to face what had caused the searing flames. And there, before her clearing eyes stood a creature taken straight out of Chinese myth. A dragon. Complete with horns, whiskers, sharp teeth, vibrantly golden scales and a flaming breath. The gigantic creature made chamber look a lot less big. In comparison to this, the Tyrannosaurus she had faced on her last adventure seemed like a mere nuisance.

It drew back its head, ready to send another burst of flames her way, but she was quicker this time and dodged behind one of the four pillars that surrounded the altar. The flames licked the green mineral and the heat made the small hairs on her arms curl. Then, just a suddenly as it had begun, the flames disappeared and the whole temple shook as the dragon tried to manoeuvre around the pillar and get a clear shot at it’s pray again. It let out a roar so loud that it made her ears pop. It was as if it was taunting her, saying “Do you still believe my powers to be myth now? Do you not now tremble in fear at what I can do?”

Unluckily for him, Lara Croft was not one to feel fear and she was not even now experiencing that feeling. True, it was a bad situation, but that did not mean that she would just curl up and die. For her strength lay not only in her body, but also in her mind. She was a woman with a fierce determination that few men possessed, and the former cult leader was about to learn this the hard way. Dragon or not, she would have that dagger.

Drawing her dual handguns she countered the dragon’s fierce bellow with a furious roar of her own as she leaped out from behind the pillar, guns jumping in her hands as they spit out their 9mm bullets at the huge creature, and the battle was joined.

Greenkey2
15-04-07, 20:19
You've got a good start here Nireta :tmb: I also write (and am a world-famous nitpicker), so here's some of the things that jumped out at me.


------"The Dragon"--------

The next chamber was huge, stretching so far in every direction that she could not make out the ends of it. Like the previous room its walls, floor and ceiling, apart from a few vibrant red areas, were made out of solid jade. The green mineral seemed to glow, illuminating the gigantic hall. She stood awestruck at the sheer size of the room before she noticed a familiar black clad form lying upon an altar far in the distance.

Here you've started to balance the initial tidal wave of description with a story hook - you've made the reader want to know what/who the figure is and what they are doing there. Hooks are by far the most important tool in your arsenal, especially when you need to get the reader interested quickly (like here on a forum).

The description is also good but really, you've only told us two things about the room: 1) it's big and 2) what colours there are. What does it smell like? What sounds are there? Does Lara get a tingling at the back of her neck as she steps over the threshold? Use all of the senses to really put the reader in the room with Lara :tmb:

Cautiously she started forward, keeping a sharp, trained eye out for hidden traps as large empty rooms often had more than one surprise waiting to kill you. This time though there was nothing trying to crush her, stab her, burn her or in other ways make her life miserable and before long she stood before her prize, once again. An artefact that had brought her on a mad race across the world. From the Great Wall of China to the channels of Venice, from there to an offshore rig far out to sea, and then 40 fathoms down to the wreck of the Maria Doria. Through the vast highland of Tibet, to an old monastery, through ancient ice caves and then finally back to the Great wall where her journey had started. Back to the temple of Xian, now with the key needed to access it.

But she had gotten careless. So close to her goal she had though her journey finished, the prize already won. But she was gravely mistaken as the temple had dropped her into a seemingly never-ending maze of traps and pitfalls. She had been so close, just an arms length away. She had made a grave mistake in lowering her guard and it annoyed her. After all this time, to make a mistake only an amateur would do. She had denied the temple the pleasure of another victim, though, as she had skilfully evade everything it had thrown at her. It had been close a few times, that she could admit, but close was not enough to kill you and she would not be swayed from her path.

Unfortunately she found, as she had arrived back in the chamber she had first entered, that the Fiama Nera, the blasted Italian cult that had been nipping at her heels throughout the whole journey, had beaten her too it. Her pathetic stumble at the finishing line had lead to a loss it seemed, but she was not one to admit defeat, not when there was still a chance to claim the prize. And now she stood before it yet again.

Good - a bit of background never did anyone any harm. But only a bit. You've hooked us with wanting to know what's going to happen to that black figure lying on the alter, but after a few sentences people start to yawn. Don't keep your audience waiting too long - they bore easily ;)

The Dagger of Xian was still pierced into the chest of the cult leader Marco Bartoli, the gold details on it’s handle reflecting the faint light of the jade. He had surprised her as she had been watching the cults strange ceremony from the top of the chamber. Surprised her by stabbing the dagger into his own heart. Unexpected as it was, she knew why he had done it. Legend said that the Dagger of Xian would grant you the power of the dragon, if you had the courage to drive it through your heart. She knew from experience that there usually was some truth in legends. She had only a year earlier found the lost continent of Atlantis, or at least what remained of it. A place that had been reduced to mere myth. The truth of the sunken city however, was a lot bloodier than the stories said.

What?! Surprised?? :yik: Shocked is more like it! Even Lara Croft would be horrified seeing someone plunge a dagger into their own chest! Lara is our guide to this world you're creating: she's our eyes, ears and thoughts. If she's only 'surprised' we're not going to feel anything else.

The next bit about it not being unexpected compounds the problem by making it sound like she's just watched nothing more interesting than a man tripping over an obvious crack in the pavement. Put the fear of god into your readers! Scare them! Make them tremble at what might happen next....and keep them guessing with those all-important hooks ;)

Despite the legend of the daggers powers though, Bartoli lay motionless in front of her. She could not help the amused grin that spread across her face as she looked down at him. “How sad”, she thought, feeling no pity towards the Italian man. “The poor fool was so committed to his belief that he killed himself with the very thing he had been seeking." No sooner than the thought had rung in her head she noticed something was off. The gem at the end of the daggers handle seemed to be gathering the light around it. It seemed almost as if the dagger had heard her thoughts and was enraged by the doubt of its powers. Bright sparks of light zipped toward the gem, which glowed with growing intensity and Lara barely had the time to make a move before it released its rage.

Nice! :tmb:



The world exploded in green light and she found herself flying through the air. She landed hard, rolling across the jade floor before coming to a halt, ears ringing and her vision filled with white spots. Temporarily disoriented, blind and deaf she shook her head and tried to figure out what had just happened. There was an alien sound echoing in the chamber and even though she could barely hear it over the ringing of her ears, she knew that she was in deep trouble. Acting purely on instinct she rolled to the side, barely avoiding being barbequed by a jet of flame that hit the spot where she had been laying moments before. Not wasting a second she leaped to her feet in one swift motion, turning to face what had caused the searing flames. And there, before her clearing eyes stood a creature taken straight out of Chinese myth. A dragon. Complete with horns, whiskers, sharp teeth, vibrantly golden scales and a flaming breath. The gigantic creature made chamber look a lot less big. In comparison to this, the Tyrannosaurus she had faced on her last adventure seemed like a mere nuisance.

It drew back its head, ready to send another burst of flames her way, but she was quicker this time and dodged behind one of the four pillars that surrounded the altar. The flames licked the green mineral and the heat made the small hairs on her arms curl. Then, just a suddenly as it had begun, the flames disappeared and the whole temple shook as the dragon tried to manoeuvre around the pillar and get a clear shot at it’s pray again. It let out a roar so loud that it made her ears pop. It was as if it was taunting her, saying “Do you still believe my powers to be myth now? Do you not now tremble in fear at what I can do?”

Unluckily for him, Lara Croft was not one to feel fear and she was not even now experiencing that feeling. True, it was a bad situation, but that did not mean that she would just curl up and die. For her strength lay not only in her body, but also in her mind. She was a woman with a fierce determination that few men possessed, and the former cult leader was about to learn this the hard way. Dragon or not, she would have that dagger.

Drawing her dual handguns she countered the dragon’s fierce bellow with a furious roar of her own as she leaped out from behind the pillar, guns jumping in her hands as they spit out their 9mm bullets at the huge creature, and the battle was joined.

You've got some super pieces of description here! The thing to work on now is speeding it up. The less time you spend telling the reader about the scenary, the more time we'll be on the edge of our seat.

There are ways of keeping the information flowing - you don't want to abandon the reader in a sea of incoherant thumps, kicks, dives and blasts of gunfire - and these mostly involve verbs instead of adjectives. Verbs are action/doing words - running, walking, stumbling, falling, screaming, shooting, hissing, bashing. Adjectives just tell us what colour things are (figuratively speaking), and should be used sparingly if at all during an action sequence.


Lastly, a note on tense. You've said that English is not your native language, but good god I wish I was as fluent as you! :eek: However, the passage does tend to stumble a little when you change the tense - she did to she would, for example. If you go through this again (reading it aloud is the best way) you can get a sense of where the tense needs to change, and where it changes just for the sake of it.

Right. I hope I haven't put you off - you should be very proud of this as a first draft! :tmb: I admire your skill with English and I will look forward to reading your next piece and watching it grow. Good luck and well done :hug: :D

Nireta
15-04-07, 20:44
Whoa! I can't say I was expecting criticism this thorough.

Those were some great tips and I am really grateful you took the time to write it all down. Thank you Greenkey :o

The Great Chi
16-04-07, 09:12
The extensive critisim was not needed, you had me hooked from the beginning, especially when we can all visulise the final fight with the Dragon, Well done indeed :tmb:

But wheres the killer blow to the dragon ? is that in the next chapter :D

Finally, to write like that where English is not your native language, is brilliant. I should know as I had to learn English as well, for my job, and it is a most confusing Language where rules are not followed all the time.

Example.. 'ie's and 'ei's :hea:
Plural is easy just add an 'S' except for sheep and sheeps :hea:
Also modern slang can be really confusing with 'High fives' and 'Right on, bro', though USA films help :D

But it is most enjoyable using a different language, as another languge allows others, to see the inner thoughts of other peoples countries. It bridges the gaps and helps mutual understanding ;)

The 'Encompassing Mankind Lecture' is now over :p

So please, lets see you write the bit about the Dragon getting bumped off, or maybe he survives to live on a sun drenched beach in Florida :jmp:

Have I got a weird mind or not ? (too much Si-fi does this )

Nireta
16-04-07, 17:42
Thanks Chi :o

Yeah, I guess the "real" fight would be in the next "chapter" so to speak, but I'm not sure when I'll get around to write that. It was only supposed to be a novelization of the moment before the fight after all. :rolleyes:

English is a tricky language, but nowhere nere as tricky as Swedish. There's a lot more words in it that don't make any grammatical sense. You think you've found a pattern only to find that there's a gazillion words that don't follow it. But let's not go any further into that.

And come on now. This is Lara Croft we're talking about! Has she ever let any of her enemies live so that they can go spend the rest of their lives on a sundrenched beach in florida? :p

The Great Chi
16-04-07, 17:57
Thanks Chi :....nowhere near as tricky as Swedish. .Yeh, I have been to your IKEA shops, so I know how complicated the Swedish words are, as I could not even find the EXIT :vlol:

Chocolate
16-04-07, 18:13
^LOL

Well I had a read through and I thought it was great! I can't give any critism since I'm not a very good writer myself, and well there's nothing really in it I don't like. Good job!

Nireta
16-04-07, 18:22
Yeh, I have been to your IKEA shops, so I know how complicated the Swedish words are, as I could not even find the EXIT :vlol:

:vlol:

Well yeah. I'm pretty sure IKEA's layout is inspired by the labyrinth in The Last Revelation. You have to pass through every bloody section to get to the exit(at least that's how it works at my local one). The path is twisting and turning worse than a wounded snake. :hea:
Thankfully I don't go shopping for furniture all that often.

I actually suspect Lara would have a great time in there trying to find her through it if you added some traps here and there. Would make an interesting Tomb Raider game.
The curse of the scandinavian furniture company!
"Aha! There's the lamp I wanted! Now I just have to find my way back out again... Am I supposed to take a left here?"

Well I had a read through and I thought it was great! I can't give any critism since I'm not a very good writer myself, and well there's nothing really in it I don't like. Good job!

Thanks Chocolate :o

Greenkey2
16-04-07, 20:05
:vlol:

Well yeah. I'm pretty sure IKEA's layout is inspired by the labyrinth in The Last Revelation. You have to pass through every bloody section to get to the exit(at least that's how it works at my local one). The path is twisting and turning worse than a wounded snake. :hea:
Thankfully I don't go shopping for furniture all that often.

I actually suspect Lara would have a great time in there trying to find her through it if you added some traps here and there. Would make an interesting Tomb Raider game.
The curse of the scandinavian furniture company!
"Aha! There's the lamp I wanted! Now I just have to find my way back out again... Am I supposed to take a left here?"


ROFL! :vlol: