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Old 12-07-10, 19:18   #1
Catracoth
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Default Kick Your Own Ass [ENTRIES]

[IMG]http://i46.************/2enmejk.jpg[/IMG]

12 July 2010 - 26 July 2010


Select an old piece of writing you've composed and rewrite it, utilising everything you've learnt about writing and see the difference. Try something new with the piece. Change the story a bit, use better descriptions, or anything else you can do to improve the story.

Deadline: 26th July (two weeks from now)
Entries per participant: 1

Rules

1.) Your story must be 5000 words or less.
Let's not overwhelm our voters.

2.) Your story must be age appropriate.
Nothing saucier than PG-13, please.

3.) Your entry must be fresh.
If you have a story you were already fixing up, that story cannot be submitted. You must start anew for this competition.

4.) Your entry doesn't necessarily have to be entirely similar to the original.
Feel free to make dramatic alterations; this is to see how your writing has improved.


Entry Format:

  1. Upload your story to your DeviantArt account (if you have one). If you don't, create a free account there or at Scribd - it allows you to upload all kinds of documents for viewing.
  2. Upload your original story and the revised version you wrote for this competition.
  3. Post the URLs in this thread as 'Original' for your original story and 'Entry' for your revised story.
I am researching an alternative method of uploading your documents for those who do not wish to create an account at Scribd.

Voting will commence on 27th July.

Last edited by Catracoth; 12-07-10 at 19:43.
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Old 12-07-10, 19:38   #2
lara c. fan
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A lot of people have Deviant Art on here, that lets you upload stories, as I have done
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Old 12-07-10, 19:42   #3
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Excellent. Cheers for that information!
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Old 12-07-10, 19:45   #4
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Catracoth View Post
Excellent. Cheers for that information!
No worries Mason
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Old 12-07-10, 20:56   #5
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I've a couple of older stories I'm trying to decide on using for an entry. It's a difficult selection!
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Old 12-07-10, 23:28   #6
Neilcroft
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Default Kick Your Own Ass (ENTRIES)

hey all,

well, I decided to give it a go. here's my first ever story. enjoy
and please comment and vote for it. without further ado:

FED UP
Neil Burns (Neilcroft)
PG-13 (some language and violence)

"Sorry, Lara," Derek Grant laughed as the Tyrannosaurus Rex scooped
up and ate Lara Croft for the umpteenth time.

Actually, he was not sorry at all. Derek was one of those gamers who
could complete the game in his sleep. However, he was also one of
those gamers who enjoyed killing the Tomb Raider in the most painful
ways possible. To date, she was shot, electrocuted, drowned, impaled
eaten and stomped on among other things. Of course, Derek had just
broken up with his ex-girlfriend of six years so Lara was the perfect
scapegoat. 'It ain't like she's alive,' he thought, 'or like she has any
feelings'.

RIIIINNGG! The kitchen telephone shook Derek out of his reverie.

"Ah. Pizza's ready. Better save the game."

Derek saved the game and turned off the gaming system and
television set.

"Goodnight, Lara. See you tomorrow."

Derek left for the evening. Suddenly the television and sytem
turned back on and a very ****ed off Tomb Raider walked to the
edge of the screen and glared murderously out. The next day, a
tired Derek entered and threw the keys onto the coffee table.
He turned on the television where "Girls Next Door" was on. This
particular episode had Hugh Hefner and his "girls" participate in
a 1930s murder mystery.

"Always brings a smile to my face," the gamer mused happily.

"Good afternoon, Derek Grant," a familiar posh alto greeted him.

Derek turned to the voice and saw a very familiar figure leaning
against the wall, her arms folded. She was dressed in a familiar
black tanktop and black cargo shorts with familiar hiking boots.
Her hair was styled in a familiar French plait and her blood-red
lips were curved into a bloodthirsty smile.

"Lara?" Derek gasped. "What are you doing here? WHY are you
here and not in the game?"

"You've heard of characters taking on a life of their own, correct?"
she breezed as she got off the wall and walked up to him until she
and the gamer were nose to nose. "As to why I am here, I have a
bone to pick with you, Mr. Grant."

"Which is?" Of course, Derek could guess the answer even as he
asked the question.

The Tomb Raider stared at the screen and curled her upper lip
in amused contempt.

"I never understood the idea of an octogenerian pervert and his
trio of empty-headed trollops. All they have are their overly ample
bosoms."

"Hello, Pot?" Derek snorted as he gestured to his visitor's own
generous assets. "Meet Kettle."

"Right. I am getting rather fed up at you killing me for no rhyme or
reason other than for just **** and giggles. The first couple of times?
All right. You had just gotten the games and were getting used to
system. I can understand and even forgive them. But day after day?
Week after week? Month after month? Year after BLOODY YEAR?!
That is IT! I have bloody had it UP TO HERE!"

Lara raised her hand above her head to emphasize her point, but
the gamer was still unconvinced that a video game legend had just
come to life and was standing in his living room.

"How can you?" he asked. "No offense, darling, but you ain't even
real. You're just a computer-generated image."

That obviously was the wrong thing to say as the Tomb Raider
grabbed Derek's arm and pinched it as hard as she could.

"OW!"

"Is that real?" Lara growled as she pinched his arm again. She then
slapped him hard across the face and kicked him right in the groin,
driving him whimpering to his knees. "Is THAT real?!"

"Jesus Christ, lady! It's only a game. It's nothing personal."

Lara threw the gamer against the wall and kicked him in the groin
again before forcing him to stand and ramming her forearm against
his throat, her Desert Eagle rammed against his forehead.

"NOTHING PERSONAL?!" the Tomb Raider shrieked. Don't you DARE
TELL ME IT'S NOTHING PERSONAL! Just because you have a rubbish
day at work. Just because you and your bird broke up. Just because
your bloody useless life is just one bloody pig's breakfast. I have to
be the scapegoat?! I have to suffer?! I have had to put up with this
******** for TEN BLOODY YEARS! I HAVE HAD IT!"

Derek felt his pants getting soaked as he silently prayed to
whatever deity he believed in that the Tomb Raider would not
decorate the living room with his brains. Suddenly, said Raider let
him go and put her gun back into her holster. Derek rubbed his cheek
gingerly before giving Lara a consoling hug, amazed at how soft
and warm a digitally-created figure could feel to the touch.

"Look, darling," he smiled. "I mean it when I say it's nothing personal.
It ain't like I get up and say to myself 'Let's see how we can kill the
Tomb Raider today'. You want to blame someone, blame EIDOS. Carroll,
or whoever is playing you now, simply acts out the part."

"I know," Lara sighed as she extricated herself from the embrace.
"However, other gamers at least try to get me through each level
intact."

"I ain't the only one, you know. I read an interview where Beard, one
of your creators, says he enjoys offing you in the most humiliating
ways possible."

"Yes, but he and I just had a little chat and we have and understanding.
You're the one I'm dealing with now. You will treat me right or you will
suffer the consequences."

Suddenly, Derek found himself in a tropical jungle where he could
just make out a temple in the distance.

"Hello?" he called out. "Lara? Somebody? This ain't funny you know!"

A ground-shaking thundering sound caught the gamer's attention as
he saw a herd of raptors sprinting toward him. Yet, they completely
ignored him as they sped by, trying to outrun an oncoming
Tyrannosaurus Rex.

"OH, ****!" Derek sprinted toward the temple with the T-Rex in
pursuit. "What the hell are you doing!"

"I just wanted to see how you would handle this," Lara chuckled in
mock sweetness. "Oh dear, he looks awfully hungry. I would suggest
you start shooting him with the guns you have. That is what they are
for after all."

JESUS CHRIST, CROFT! IT'S ONLY A GAME!"

"Of course. Whether you make it to the temple or wind up as Mr.
Rex's lunch is completely irrelevant. I can always restart the game
and give it another go."

Derek swore a blue streak as he bobbed and weaved to avoid getting
scooped up and eaten. His lungs burned and his muscles screamed in
agony as he thanked God or whoever above that he was his school's
state long distance champion.

"You're supposed to shoot," said Raider mockingly singsonged, "not
run away."

"SCREW YOU! Derek screamed. "I'M TRYING NOT TO GET EATEN!"

"Awww. Poor wittle baby not wike his game now?"

Derek again avoided the Tyrannosaurus' jaws as he neared the
temple and barely made it inside before the T-Rex lunged forward
and crashed into the structure, bringing a good chunk of it down
onto the beast's head, killing it instantly. The gamer dropped to
his knees, not caring his pants were wet again for the third time
in an hour or so, and began saying Our Fathers and Hail Marys,
his cheeks wet with tears of relief.

"Are we enjoying ourself?" Lara cooed smugly. "The fun is only
beginning you know."

Derek sighed and turned to the screen.

"I was wrong."

Lara's countenance was a mask of amused surprise.

"I beg your pardon? I didn't quite hear you."

"I said I was wrong. I apologize for just killing you for **** and
giggles. I had no idea that you had feelings or that this bothered
you so much."

Suddenly the gamer was back in his living room where he dropped
to his knees and gratefully kissed the floor, much to a certain Tomb
Raider's amusement. As he got up, a warm fingerless-gloved hand
pressed against his cheek.

"Now you know how I feel," Lara chided gently. "If I die, it's part
of the game, but at least try to allow me to make it through a
level without killing me, okay?"

"Consider it done. Of course, you have a rather annoying habit
of walking near the cliffs and almost falling off even if I do try
to save you. However, I'll try to treat you right."

Lara smiled as she kissed his cheek and patted it before walking
out of the living room. Derek just stared at her retreating figure
as he wondered if THE Tomb Raider was actually in his home or
if he simply imagined it. He decided to chalk it up to an active
imagination and lay down on the sofa for a pre-supper nap.

THE END

ta-daa! FED UP 2.0. comments and votes are appreciated.
good luck to everyone.

Last edited by Neilcroft; 13-07-10 at 01:18. Reason: minor language issue
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Old 13-07-10, 00:36   #7
Catracoth
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I'm glad you're participating, Neil, but might I direct you to the original post? There's some details in there I think you've missed .
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Old 13-07-10, 01:20   #8
Neilcroft
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Cool Kick Your Own Ass (ENTRIES)

hey Mr. C,

hope this is a little more "public friendly". I'll see what I can
use for the next KYOA.
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Old 13-07-10, 04:23   #9
Catracoth
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I've revised a story I wrote a year ago that I plan on submitting as an entry, but I still think there's some work to be done.
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Old 13-07-10, 04:44   #10
Lawrence Croft
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Neilcroft View Post
hey all,

well, I decided to give it a go. here's my first ever story. enjoy
and please comment and vote for it. without further ado:

FED UP
Neil Burns (Neilcroft)
PG-13 (some language and violence)

"Sorry, Lara," Derek Grant laughed as the Tyrannosaurus Rex scooped
up and ate Lara Croft for the umpteenth time...
Genius!

Do I detect a touch of Rod Serling in there?

I would love to see this adapted as a 30 minute TV screenplay. That would be one episode worth watching!

A masterpiece.
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