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Solice
02-12-09, 04:32
My theory on giving is pretty simple: True giving is when you give someone a gift and do not expect anything in return, now or ever. You tell me, but it seems many people do not share my view. I give away many things, some quite expensive, and people do seem really shocked that they don't owe me anything in return. A sad testament, I think.

I am able to convince the person that I really, really don't want anything in return, until yesterday. A woman I work with is interested in an Indian art form called Mehndi (http://www.abc.net.au/tv/sundayarts/txt/s1775037.htm). She said in a meeting that she is having trouble drawing the patterns. I have a book on the subject so I brought it in to show her. She looked at it and said its the best book she has ever seen. So I said, "In that case, it's yours." She looked shocked and said, "Oh, I must pay you for it". After going back and forth a few times, she shoved ten dollars into my hand and said, "I don't want to think of you giving this to me every time I use it". I just walked away, offended.

So should I be offended? Does she think I will come after her some time in the future for a favor? Does the thought of me make her cringe? I am hurt by this.

Ikas90
02-12-09, 04:38
To each their own, but I would feel offended as well if no one accepted a gift that I offered to them out of the kindness of my heart.

aktrekker
02-12-09, 04:47
You find it hard to accept something in return for a gift.
Some people find it equally hard to accept anything without giving in return.
She didn't do it to offend you. It's just the way she is. It wasn't personal, so don't take it that way. In other words, quit whining.
Sorry if it sounds harsh, but why let her problem ruin your day? Are you trying to earn spiritual points by your gift giving?

Am I being nasty or what? :p

Paddy
02-12-09, 04:52
Gotta think about the other point of view, the other person could feel just as bad and feel obliged to return the favour.
I personally when I give stuff to friends never expect anything in return, they try to argue but I dont wanna hear it :p
Then if they imply its a selfish motive Id be just as insulted as someone being rude when I open a door for them.

Dark Lugia 2
02-12-09, 05:02
Its nice that you feel that way, but she obviously feels just as bad being given something without returning the favour (I'd feel the same way too :o). You shouldnt be offended because its how she is. Not everyone is going to accept gifts so readily without thinking of the giver, thatd be quite selfish imo!

I think that she could possibly be a bit upset over you walking away after she tried to be a nice person and think of you, and worried about how you think of her.
It depends really... because then again there are some rude people who dont want to look 'cheap' in front of others by recieving gifts without returning the favour.

EscondeR
02-12-09, 05:41
Did you have any problems with that woman before? Do you have them now?
If not, then nothing to worry about - that was simple misunderstanding, character differense (not a rare case). Throw that thought of yours into the bin and don't load yourself with extra "troubles" :) If there is no real tension between you both, then there is nothing to be offended by in this case (she thinks it was right to give something in return).

scoopy_loopy
02-12-09, 05:58
You find it hard to accept something in return for a gift.
Some people find it equally hard to accept anything without giving in return.
She didn't do it to offend you. It's just the way she is. It wasn't personal, so don't take it that way. In other words, quit whining.
Sorry if it sounds harsh, but why let her problem ruin your day? Are you trying to earn spiritual points by your gift giving?

Am I being nasty or what? :p

I agree, I find it really hard to accept someone just giving me something. I then feel indebted to the person. If anything its aggravating.

lita212
02-12-09, 07:33
i wouldnt be insulted. i think people just think they have to owe summit back incase they had a fall out with that person and therefore it would probs get bought up.
i mean look at people who get engaged if u brake up the guy expects the ring back even though it was a gift for you.

ive been giving alot and same with tips at work when someone gives me their change or buys me a drink i always ask them if there sure and thank them. one guy asked me last week why i said to him are you sure you want to buy me a drink. and i said because most people just say it to be kind but dont really mean it.

i wouldnt be offended hun
x

Lavinder
02-12-09, 09:23
People is this day and age are not use to getting anything for nothing - it's just courtesy to offer something in return, otherwise people may feel rude just taking something off you without giving the right amount of appreciation. Don't be offended by this woman, she's just as nice as you for wanting to give you something back in return :).

Dennis's Mom
02-12-09, 14:14
Don't be offended. Take the $10 and give it to a food bank, buy a toy for a "Toys for Tots" barrel. Look at it as a chance to do something nice for someone else.

I like to give things away too. When people protest and try to do what this girl did, I tell them to "pay it forward." In other words, taking what you were about to do for me, and do it for someone else---that's what I'd really like in return. ;)

irjudd
02-12-09, 14:22
Mountain out of a molehill.

snork
02-12-09, 15:10
If you were offended by her not accepting it as a gift, then I am inclined to believe that your statement
... that they don't owe me anything in return.
is not true.
To me giving (without direct recompensation, as in buying) is always obligating both, giver and taker.
my opinion /understanding : to everyone everywhere in the world, practically a part of human culture.

The takers are like in debt, and the givers have to give them takers an opportunity to give back.
Even if it is not necessarily directly to the giver.

... I tell them to "pay it forward." In other words, taking what you were about to do for me, and do it for someone else---that's what I'd really like in return. ;)
marry me.

interstellardave
02-12-09, 17:58
It is very odd that you'd be offended that she gave you the money. You let her know that you didn't want the money, she insisted, so leave it at that. You can feel good for giving her something and she feels good that she gave you some money as a small gesture. Really, $10.00 is probably far less than the book is worth these days anyway! Besides, if you really are a giving person, you might find that someone you know could use that $10.00 right about now...

miss.haggard
02-12-09, 18:44
IMO I would be offended if you didnt take the $10. I dont get gifts very often, and when I do I feel like I should give something back. I never feel truely right taking something without giving back.

patriots88888
02-12-09, 19:44
IMO I would be offended if you didnt take the $10. I dont get gifts very often, and when I do I feel like I should give something back. I never feel truely right taking something without giving back.

Especially when that something is taking a lot of **** from someone. :D

CerebralAssassin
02-12-09, 20:08
ouch...I'd be highly offended by that statement.it's like saying that you are scum and that you are unworthy of her owing you a favor.

Dennis's Mom
02-12-09, 20:39
marry me.

I'm already married, and have decided to marry Takeshi Kaneshiro if I'm single again. I'll pencil you in after Takeshi though. :D

Lara Croft!
02-12-09, 20:56
On the one hand, it's very nice to offer things without waiting for something in return. On the other hand, it's a good thing to be fair with money and not accept gifts all the time without doing the same. Personally, I don't accept it when people want to buy me something. I will let a friend pay for my coffee if I don't carry change, but I will reciprocate at the first chance. It's not that I'm ungrateful, but the exact opposite!

Paddy
02-12-09, 22:23
Im more offended if a family member takes back a bday or xmas present they gave me all because we had an argument, Ive had that done to me a few times.

CerebralAssassin
02-12-09, 23:37
Im more offended if a family member takes back a bday or xmas present they gave me all because we had an argument, Ive had that done to me a few times.

we call them "Indian givers".

maniakatosheto
02-12-09, 23:55
Loved the look on dad's face when i gave him last year's christmas gift. I love giving more than receiving but i really wanted this http://www.mcmichaels.co.uk/prodimages/NW/W202B_L.jpg for this christmas. But i'll never get it.

Solice
03-12-09, 01:31
I wonder if it is a social thing. She is from India, what is the gift giving custom there?

I do not understand why some people see gift giving like bartering. I mean, yes there is giving where something in return is expected, like an engagement ring, its part of a ritual. But I do not see most things given and received as having an implied indebtedness.

Since there are so many people who don't agree with me, perhaps I need to change my gift giving practices. Perhaps say, "Sure, you can pay me back somehow at a later date". And just never ask for anything. Think that is good?

Catapharact
03-12-09, 01:53
I wonder if it is a social thing. She is from India, what is the gift giving custom there?

Most Eastern cultures deem it necessary to return any act of kindness bestowed upon a person.

Its nothing personal but I always ALWAYS feel like I owe someone BIG time for giving me a present or doing something nice for me. It just feels like I owe you for the gift or the act of kindness you did for me and I do want to return the favour.

No wonder most people choose to leave their names out when they give me gifts :pi:.