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Old 19-01-20, 15:23   #5
larafan25's Avatar
Join Date: Feb 2008
Posts: 69,827

You can look back at all of the crazy **** you did, and in this present moment, you can wrap it up into a dramatic story that causes negative emotions; regret, embarrassment, guilt, shame, humiliation, worthlessness, hopelessness... and that might be the exact internal process that led to those very actions.

Are your past actions evidence of a mental disorder? Because... let's face it, most people do "crazy" things. People steal. People cheat on each other. People drop out of school all the time. People get drunk and drive their car. People have lovely conversations with friends and turn around and twist the entire story in their head. Many are not diagnosed, and I get the sense that we could come up with endless labels for human diversity.

For most of us, not much is happening within a small moment. If you feel like you're a big mess, perhaps detachment from your mind in the moment would help you build a new relationship with life. Like, make room for more quietness, stillness. Carry around a more neutral atmosphere with you. You will still be triggered and still have emotions though.

Maybe the reason it's getting so hairy is because you're getting closer to the heart of the issue. There probably aren't many issues, it could just be one thing.

You're here, and you've put yourself down in your post. But... the actual act of searching for answers and seeking help is productive, thoughtful, wise and shows that you're an introspective person who cares about those around you and most importantly, you clearly care about yourself.

Anyways, I was listening to a video telling me to be chill and peaceful, and then my mom asked me to shovel the snow on the driveway... and I had assumed it was mine to shovel. But I didn't think she was going to dictate the time at which it be shoveled. That was hella annoying, and her justification was dumb. I did it, and it didn't feel good, but all the while I was aware of the funny contradiction in how I intended to feel and how I chose to react to life.

Dysfunction is nothing new, especially not to you, I'm sure you've had other phases of dysfunction in your life that you have forgotten about. When we're younger, I think we tend to let ourselves experience the dysfunctional phases, but as we age and become more conscious of our life, developing a broader perspective, we seem to want to control, force or stop the changes that are perhaps very natural and beneficial.

Maybe there is something missing in your life that has provided the environment for your thoughts, feelings and actions. Maybe everyone has some "deficiency" for the sake of diversity. With enough experience you might become an expert on your own craziness. The more times you watch yourself, the clearer it might become, what triggers you, why it triggers you, what your particular emotion says about your take on life and your take on yourself.
I get wild on ya baby
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