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Old 06-01-20, 20:58   #1
Kivlov's Avatar
Join Date: Apr 2017
Location: Zhukovsky, Russia
Posts: 307
Default Games Rap Battle | Tomb Raider VS Uncharted (animated)

Some time ago one Russian gaming Youtube channel released a funny parody - a comic rap battle between Nathan Drake and Lara Croft.

I find it very funny and interesting due to a lot of great references and jokes. It also contains an original animation. So, I would like to share it, but unfortunately it was made only in Russian.

So, I spent some time to write a good adapted translation, where I tried to keep as many refferences and original jokes as I could. In some parts I had to step aside from a literal translation to make some jokes or references clear to everyone, or to keep the rhythm and rhyme. I'm not a rap expert, so maybe in some places rhythm/rhyme may be incorrent and does not correspond to the original. Sorry for that.

It's amazing that this parody was done by only a few people and all the animation by only one person. I'm very impressed what a titanic work was made there.

The parody has some agressive punches with sexist jokes - don't be offended - it's just for fun.

So, here's a link to the parody:

And you can find my translation below (I also submitted it as subtitles on YT, but it requires to be verifyed by YT-moderators and the channel owner - so, it's not available on YT yet):



[0:00:05] Ladies and Gentlemen!
[0:00:07] StopGame presents!
[0:00:10] Lara Croft
[0:00:11] Your luck is in my hands.
[0:00:14] Versus
[0:00:15] Nathan Drake!
[0:00:17] And here is your tomb!

[0:00:21-0:02:17] Lara's 1st punch:

Ladies first, but I began!
He is bullying Lara! Crazy man!

Drake is a clone!
It's surely known,
His account wouldn't get "Verified"! Then...

Lara Croft is a gem of the age,
Formed the genre, turned the page,

For third-person games - no one would care,
If the Tomb Raider was not there!

I was the first love of every single boy,
They dreamed of touching me to enjoy,

As for the girls - they also did care
About the beauty-millionaire!

Yes, I'm rich and extremely brave,
To glamor boys - my disregard!

So, why are you on a throne, being a slave?
I'm in the game and all bananas get hard!

I climbed onto every platform yet,
From the Game Boy to VR headset,

Even "PS" got in that list,
For me just nothing Uncharted exists!

No need to search far for the facts,
I managed to find so many artifacts,

I don't read guides for puzzles -
I use my sharp mind instead of muscles!

And I'm in shock, cause you, Nate, is loser,
Always hope for good luck like a boozer,

So, what is the reason for ascension?
Marco Polo for you is another dimension!

No passion like rain in a desert,
You shouldn't be compared with me, but with dirt!

You dig up no dirt by your fists,
You are not even an archaeologist!

Second and poor from any take,
Many a little made pitiful Drake!

And let's add here a slip of the tongue -
Nathan Drake? No - Henry Morgan!

Presented himself as a great pirate,
Otherwise, everyone gets a damn about!

I shedded sweat and blood for my fame,
To glorify Croft's surname!

In order to play me in a movie,
You must have an Oscar!

A movie about you won't be bad,
Cause it will never be made!

Pathetic puppy, barking on alls,
You've lost Helen like Menelaus,

And after she returned and was ready to fight,
Decided to sit down on a sofa, right?

For adventurers, what can be the worst,
Than closed doors to the world?

Your daughter will say: My dad is the best!
No one believes Cassandra's words!

Remember! I'm the queen of all adventures
I am the Alpha and Omega of all ventures,

Even if your voice is sweet like cake,
Everyone hears only quacking of a drake!

[0:02:17-0:04:13] Drake's 1st punch:

Wow! How much bile!
The history whispers it's in your style,

And Lara Croft started this debate
Because still has envy in her estate!

Because I appeared and succeeded,
When knights were really needed,

In order to shine with their grand charm
And save the world from a charlatan!

You let the genre die lonely,
Focusing attention to yourself only,

But I breathed the art in the cold corpse,
And reanimated it of course!

Yes, you shown the world to kids
In your boring hikes from the house,

Yes, they wanted to see the pyramids,
But only those under your blouse!

And every fan started playing flute,
If even didn't know a one note!

They installed the game, but of course
Immediately added the Nude Mod!

So, fallen off like skittles?
Tried jumping higher, but hit a wall!

You've made history like the Beatles,
But a huge role was done by Paul!

You cannot step over my achievements,
Even by being grander!

I cannot see any story twists, like the breast
Of Vikander! So far!

She is a so big star,
The entire franchise gets points for that

But now if your breast is so flat,
You're no longer Miss Croft, you're miscast!

I know you slacker of a cheap mold,
Which poured the money like sand!

How easy is to boast of gold,
Collected not by your own hand!

But I climbed out of the pit,
And therefore I'm on role -

Fans looked at you and saw a split,
Looked at me - bought the console!

Released only for the PlayStation,
But I have a lot of awards,

And you have a situation
That flies fly to you towards!

Let's have look at the chart,
Any my game will win this contest!

And that's because in Uncharted
Even the graphics is, damn it, the best!

Landscapes and architecture
Strikes your eyes with its best sharpness,

Sometimes I seep through a texture,
But I won't fail, like the Angel of Darkness!

Try to shoot to make me holed,
You won't even scratch my chromium!

Midas touched you and turned into gold,
He will touch me and see plutonium!

[0:04:14-0:05:10] Lara's 2nd punch:

I grabbed a paddle then,
Did I get to Venice again?

Oh no, I confused, it's just you
Poured water like it was true!

Mysterious success theories,
Insulting my gender is forbidden by laws,

One has beat, the other stole the series,
And by the way, the PlayStation have flaws!

Continue praising your stupid Uncharted,
And maybe it's an attractive decoy.

Do you think clones are so lucky restarted?
But it's obvious that every boy

Really wants me to raid a tomb,
Everyone likes me in any costume,

So, Nathan, my dear, admit your doom,
You are just a guest in my room!

All your games are like on rails,
There's no gameplay, but only tales!

And don't even try to view the details,
Lieutenant Graphics?
Just a rookie Fails!

You have never seen any higher sales,
Look - near me even Sony pales,

The PS is so poor, as for me,
All it can offer is -


You'll be gone like Duke Buckingham,
About Drake's fate no one gets a damn!

Perhaps among thieves you're the best, Drake,
But Drake's global supremacy is obvious fake!

[0:05:11-0:06:09] Drake's 2nd punch:


This is a thief's glory!
I can steal all your inventory,

In return I can tell you a great story,
Why your PC fans are so bored!

Satisfying your curiosity is not the same,
Than raiding every tomb - what a shame,

You wanted to show us how you raised again,
But Lara's personality is so plain!

Nobody wants to be Lara's friend,
Afterall you're not in trend,

So why are you so proud of your cheap fame?
No highlight neither you, nor your game!

You sobbed so violently because a deer died,
But a moment later, arranged genocide!

You're angry - blood is in excess!

Raid to a success?
No, just PMS.

People like playing my game,
Cause we work so hard on every frame,

That's why our fans cannot keep calm!
About your stories Drake showed a facepalm!

For you Pratchett was a disaster,
Her inspiration drained even faster,

Unfortunately, a big talent has passed her -
Rhianna has fallen, only Terry was a big master!

Lara, stop clown around!
Too many facts lay on the ground.

The last thing to add incidentally -
Get out of here strongly and independently!

[0:06:10-0:06:17] Jawad's punch:

What is all about?!
I'm going to sort all the things out!

I'm the one who will raise this genre,
So, prepare for my righteous anger!

[0:06:18-0:06:41] Indiana's punch:

Kids wanna my scores,
Step aside from my throne.

You started here real Star Wars,
I finish you both, alone!

You're reckless like Icarus,
And you're - like an artillery!

If you're Walsh and Piccard,
Then, I'm Edmund, damn it, Hillary!

Now if Indie takes his whip,
Come get some in over your head!

But when I am on the trip -
Put on my hat - the devil is dead!

[0:06:42-0:06:49] Drakes's 3rd punch:

But we were shining like a nuclear explosion!
While you were rotting slowly under corrosion!

Now yelling from somewhere like a quiet echo,
After all, you are only Lego!

[0:06:50-0:06:57] Lara's 3rd punch:

God damn!

"Indie" today is a synonym
That determines mediocre!

And he's surely not one of the Coen,
No place for you here, old joker!

[0:06:58-0:07:06] Drake's 4th punch:

I moved mountains to get father's ring,
But for all these years I grasped one thing -

Its better to leave while you're a hero,
Than be rebooted as the zero!

[0:07:07-0:07:16] Lara's 4th punch:

I live in a mansion you cannot afford,
In all halls of fame I broke the record,

And I'm tenacious in my endeavour,
So, I'll be raiding tombs forever!


Most of the references are related to pop-culture, video games and Hollywood products which are popular in the entire world. However, there're several ones in this parody that may be unclear for non-Russian audience, so I'll try explaining them below:

[1:20-1:27] Visual reference to the old soviet cartoon "Three from Prostokvashino":

This comedy cartoon is a about adventures of three main characters - a boy ("Uncle Fyodor"), a cat and a dog, after they moved to a village and tried living there.

In the original story they met an old grouchy postman and argued with him on different topics. A bit later they went on treasure hunt and found the treasure.

In the parody Drake is presented as Pechkin, and Lara - as Uncle Fyodor. After they went on treasure hunt they killed Pechkin (Drake) and digged him in.

Here're links to the original cartoon even with prof. English dubbing (very surprised it existed, btw):

https://youtu.be/fZMdJWp-phI?t=281 [4:40-5:41] - Acquaintance with Pechkin
https://youtu.be/fZMdJWp-phI?t=386 [6:26-8:06] - Digging up treasure

[2:13] Title of the textbook is "Physics for dummies".

[2:34-2:41] Visual reference to another old soviet cartoon "Vovka in the far away kingdom":

This cartoon is a about adventures of Vovka - a very lazy boy, who didn't want to study and wanted all the work to be done by someone else.

In the original story Vovka was hungry and wanted to get some pastries from another fairytale character - the live furnace. But he didn't know how to chop wood and knead the dough. Of course, his pitiful try ended with a enchanting failure - the furnace exploded, because he just stuffed unchopped logs and unkneaded dough into it (including a bucket, btw ).

In the parody Drake saved the live furnace from explosion by pulling out the logs from it, and then threw these logs in Lara.

Here's a link to the original cartoon (only with English subs this time, unfortunately):
https://youtu.be/awbY0P9sQ_o?t=870 [14:30-17:18] - Foolishness with the furnace

[4:27-4:28] Visual reference to the Russian TV show "Let's get married":

Just one more stupid show a la dating club. I'm sure there're many of this type over the world.

In the parody Drake was sitting in a closed room and was awaiting if any potential girl would choose him as a boyfriend or not.

[4:38-4:46] Audio reference to the very old Russian pop-song from 90ies "The boy would like to go to Tambov" (by Murat Nasyrov):

For me it's the most interesting reference, because it's directly connected with the Tomb Raider's Russian fan community and the mem created by them. Also its like a double reference - I will try to explain:

The first subreference in this parody is just a singing manner - they're imitating the motive of the song.

And the second one is a chorus of the original song - it's the same as the name of the song itself - "The boy would like to go to Tambov". Tambov is a city in Russia. And a part of this word is spelled almost the same as the beginning of the game name (Tomb). So here a pun begins - Tamb / Tomb. Spelling looks similar, but it's important to note here that pronunciation is very different:

Tambov is pronounced as [tmˈbf] in Russian.
And Tomb is pronounced as [to͞om] in English.
[] and [o͞o] sounds very different.

Some of the fans didn't know English well enough, and they thought that Tomb was pronounced as [tmb].

Another ones just didn't care about it (as it usually happens). So, thus the new mem has born - the fans started to name the game as "Tambovskiy Raider", what is translated as "The raider from Tambov".

And now in this parody its authors connected the old mem "Tambovskiy Raider" to the old song "The boy would like to go to Tambov". And in the parody they sang: "The boy would like to go to Tambov...skiy Raider!". Therefore, the boy doesn't want going to Tambov anymore, but want playing Tambovskiy Raider (Tomb Raider).

Here's a link to the official video of that Russian song:

Unfortunately, I couldn't find an English voice cover, but here's lyrics translated to English (word-by-word): https://lyricstranslate.com/en/mal03...go-tambov.html

It's one of the most stupid lyrics ever created. Moreover, it was not an original Russian song. It's just a remake of the Brazzilian "Tic Tic Tac" (by Carrapicho):

And the original lyrics is absolutely different: https://lyricstranslate.com/en/tic-t...tic-tac.html-0

So, it seems it's a tripple reference, not even double.


I think this would be a huge post... So thank you for your attention and time. And I feel I must to thank these people listed below too for their titanic work on the parody!

End credits:

Text & Music:

Daur Avidzba aka "Avedare" - https://vk.com/avedare

Graphics & Animation:

Maxim Emshanov - https://vk.com/max_torn

Voice actors:

Anastasia Medkova aka "Haluet" | as Lara Croft - https://vk.com/haluet
Daur Avidzba aka "Avedare" | as Nathan Drake & Faris Jawad - https://vk.com/avedare
Alexander Lobazov aka "Kan Sin" | as Indiana Jones - https://vk.com/mcksin


Aqua Records - https://vk.com/aqua_records
Team Classic: We want our classic Lara Croft back!
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