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Old 08-10-19, 14:54   #1
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Exclamation I've been in Hospital since February 2018.

Hello everyone. I don't really know how else to start this Thread other than by saying that it's been a long time since there was any correspondence between myself and TRF, as well as those who I kept into contact with on my YouTube Channel. I do have a fair a bit of explaining to do regarding my absence, and that is what I am about to do.

As the Title states, I have been in Hospital since February 2018, and it's because of that why I haven't been on TRF or posted any videos YouTube. I imagine that some people might immediately be alarmed, given that February of last year was over 1.5 years ago, so please allow me to inform you about things. Obviously, the fact that I've been in Hospital for such a lengthy amount of time is because I am very unwell. Firstly, I would like to point out that I am not a Patient at a General Hospital but a Patient at a Psychiatric Hospital.

Regardless of how I come across online, the real me has a lot of problems. I have what is referred to as Mental Health problems. Although I prefer to call it "Emotional Health" as I think that "Emotional Health" is a much kinder label. I am on the Autistic Spectrum and I suffer from extreme levels of Depression and Anxiety, as well as vicious panic attacks. I did have about 5 months absence from TRF back in 2016 due to myself being a Patient at a Psychiatric Hospital as a result of the difficulties that I have. After a lot of struggling, I did recover back then and then had about a year of really enjoying myself and living life in ways which were most fulfilling to me.

However, I slowly started to go downhill again back in the later stages of 2017, and those of you who follow me on YouTube would have realised that is was around that time that my activity started to drop. I slowly became increasingly depressed and anxious, and this lead to me struggling more and more with the basics of day to day life. The way that I was living at the time became appalling; I got into a terrible sleeping routine, my personal health and hygiene was disgusting, I ate nothing but junk food and takeaways (and gained 6 Stone in weight) and in the end it got to the point where I needed to be hospitalised.

So I got admitted into a Psychiatric Hospital back in February 2018 as I was suffering very badly from my Mental Health problems and simply wasn't in a position where I was able to look after myself. I would have informed you guys sooner, but the Hospital that I'm in can be very restricting when it comes to going outside and accessing the Internet or communicating with people in any kind of way. I have now managed to get a bit of time on the Internet so that I can tell you how things are.

My time in Hospital has been incredibly difficult and that is still the way of things now as I continue as a Patient. I've been just barely scraping through each day while suffering from the most enormous levels of Depression and Anxiety, all day, all night, every day, every night. Emotionally, I have been in tremendous pain and each passing day has been the same as the one before and will be the same as the one to follow. It's impossible to put into words how unbearable things are for me, and it's impossible to say anything that will give anyone the slightest insight.

This hasn't been a very nice Thread so far, but the purpose of this Thread is to be honest and to justify my absence and make you aware of where I am now and how things are. The tiniest of things cause me the most extreme amounts of Depression, Anxiety and panic. And despite all of this time of being in Hospital, I still haven't found any answers as to how my problems can be managed or how I can return to the real world. I've been tried on about 25 different Medications intended to help with my problems, but none of them have made the faintest of differences. I have also spoken to an awful lot of different people and received numerous types of Therapy, including Electric Compulsive Therapy, which is where you get electric shocks sent to your head, causing you to have a seizure. But again, this has all been to no success.

The issues don't just end with the Mental Health Problems that I've got; I'm afraid things go an awful lot deeper than that. One thing which has had a huge impact on me emotionally is the way in which I've been treated throughout my life. I've had an awful lot of horrid experiences; I've had to endure things that have been so unbearable that I can't even put into words how badly effected I have been by such things. I have been victimised in so many different ways by so many different people and the fact that I'm emotionally vulnerable has resulted in the effects of these things escalating to far greater levels. I've been the victim of bullying, abuse, suffering, corruption, unfairness, injustice, wrong-doing, and all things along those lines. I've been made to feel worthless by the treatment of other people and all of this combined with my Mental Health has led to me being in the position I am in now.

Due to this being a 13+ Forum, there is a lot of stuff that I've held back on; I don't think it would be appropriate to give the full blown extent of everything, as the nature of what I would talk about would surely defy the rules of the Forum. In fact, there was just one person who used to be on this Forum who knew me for a while and knew a fair bit about my suffering, and I suspect that this individual probably would have sussed out the full truths behind the bits that I've held back on, had they still been part of this Forum.

There isn't much else I can add to this Thread, other than by repeating myself in saying that my experiences with the world, combined with my conditions and what goes on in my head is to blame for why I am in Hospital and why I suffer so deeply. If we wind the years back, then I'm sure a lot of you can remember me at the best of times, back when I was full of joy, energy, passion, ambition, motivation and everything like that. But at times like this, I completely lack any of that. I truly do not know if I will ever get better and leave Hospital and become an active part of your lives again. Or if I'm simply stuck in a position when pain and suffering is permanent and inevitable, and in which case, I can't see myself ever returning to TRF, YouTube or the real world itself. I'm sorry for my absence. I'm sorry for being such a let down and failure in managing myself and my emotions. But I will still wish you people well.
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Old 08-10-19, 15:00   #2
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I personally donít know you, but Iím sorry for the things you went through, as I can imagine. Nobody deserves *any* kind of illness or wound, be it physical or emotional. I hope that you will recover very soon. I donít know the reasons, but whatever caused these, just ignore it. ^.^

EDIT: Donít be so hopeless! No! Thatís not right... Try to think positively. You mentioned your times with joy, passion, and ambition. If you want, anything is possible! You can return to those days if you keep your will strong. Forget about TRF and Youtube. Iím pretty sure you can take days off from the hospital. Go and take a walk around parks, gardens, lively streets. Stop off at a cafe for a drink. Meet with friends. Or even better, find a job that you enjoy! Thereís so many things to do out there, donít just let yourself to rot in a dark corner. Find the meaning of your life...
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Last edited by Tomb Raidering; 08-10-19 at 15:06.
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Old 08-10-19, 15:02   #3
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I'm so so sad to hear this. I remember you since I was a whole lot younger watching your videos. I hope you'll get well as quick as possible
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Old 08-10-19, 15:04   #4
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Massive respect for being so honest. I imagine that took some courage. Take care of yourself Greenapple.
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Old 08-10-19, 15:30   #5
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I admire and appreciate your honesty. That takes bravery/boldness.

I never knew you all that well, even though I do remember seeing you around in earlier years, but I still wish you all the best and I pray that God will lead the way through what youíre going through and will set you free from this. Much love, kindness, and respect sent your way, buddy.
ďThese things, they donít break us. They make us who we are.Ē
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Old 08-10-19, 15:35   #6
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Hi, Greenapple,

It's so good to see you on the forum, even if it's a one off post for the time being. I'm so sorry you've been through so much and you're struggling with your emotional health. I truly hope that some form of treatment is found that works you. I applaud you for having the courage to come here and explain. Thank you.

This sentence popped out at me "I'm sorry for being such a let down and failure in managing myself and my emotions."

Please don't feel the need to apologise. You are not letting anyone down, least of all yourself. You are not responsible for those things that happened to you and you have not failed. The emotional health issues you have are not you being bad at coping or managing yourself. The steps you took to seek help is you managing, you did that and that's good. Keep taking care of yourself. TRF and YouTube can wait until you're ready and able.

Take care I wish all the best for you.
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Last edited by Rai; 08-10-19 at 15:37.
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Old 08-10-19, 15:46   #7
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Aww that's so sad to read. I don't know you much (apart from your posts on TRF) but I would like to send you some positive vibes. Take care of you and never loose hope. I sincerely wish you the best and may you feel better soon.
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Old 08-10-19, 15:52   #8
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Man (or girl) I don't know your YT channel and I'm a relatively sporadic user here to say anything "warm" to you, but I can tell you something: I am very (VERY) probably on the Autistic Spectrum too, I suffer of a terrible depression too with long physical somatizations that are getting really worrying, and anxiety (but guess what I've no energies to do medical visits). I haven't panic attacks but I have symptoms like if I'm always on the verge of having them in a moment. I think that sooner or later I could need to be hospitalized too if I continue like this (this condition started about 2 years ago, getting worse month by month, slowly).
The only thing I know (by experience) in this situation is that the less harmful thing a person can do is to understand you and to "validate" your condition, by accepting it as valid and justified in its true deepness and to let you know that your feelings are empathically understood for real. Because, I bet, your main thought is that you're not compatible and adequate with anything and anyone and that you're confined into your own world because nothing else around is worthy, or just, compatible with how you work, so it gets alienating and demotivating, where all the "faults" you see, you see them in yourself as being "wrong" (and "not justified"). And I bet so many things from the outside underline this concept, in your mind, even people with good intentions that push you to do something, showing preoccupation, while instead you feel just oppressed by new and new expectations and people that can't understand. If so, then I can say I understand you so much. I -feel- my suffering as permanent too, but rationally I think that there is always a path to get better.
Honestly I don't think that medicines can do much in this situation but I'm not a professionist and I hope that who is taking care of you will also professionally give you the right directives... Well, good luck. At least from one person you're surely 100% understood and I'm not the only one.

Last edited by dinne; 08-10-19 at 15:54.
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Old 08-10-19, 19:39   #9
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Aw man this makes me so sad, you don't deserve any of this. I'm so sorry you had to deal with any of that. I wish you well Take care, and never ever lose hope, it can and will get better with time, trust your doctors and your meds, and it will get better. There's nothing to be ashamed of. You matter. And your health matters.

Coming back to this website to justify your absence just shows how much of an honest, caring human you are. Keep in mind that you have nothing to be sorry for. You don't let people down, you are NOT a failure and you are NOT a liability! Take care of yourself
A Classics fan, a LAU fan, a Reboot fan. A Tomb Raider fan.
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Old 08-10-19, 21:26   #10
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I remember you!

I sympathize a lot with your post bc these past 3 years I've had long periods in the hospital myself in and out bc of severe stomach pains after a gallbladder removal surgery 3 years ago. I understand how you must be feeling so much time away from home and I wish you the best of luck, if you believe in God pray to him and he'll answer. If not, I'm still sending you the best of luck! Be strong and never lose hope. Treatments, don't skip them and the diet is super important.
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Last edited by JsotoTRSaga; 08-10-19 at 21:29.
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