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Old 21-05-21, 12:33   #1
DragonSlayer
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I've been meaning to create this topic for a while but kept forgetting about it.

We could all use a good laugh especially with everything that's going on in the world right now.

Everyone was excited at the autopsy club, it was open Mike night.

On the night of Justin Bieber's arrest his neighbours were woken up by a loud screeching sound, he then stopped singing got into his car and drove away.

Pyramid Head walks into a bar, the barman says why the long face there were no survivors.

A Chinese man goes to see his doctor complaining about his very bad headache the doctor says to him whenever I feel bad I make love to my wife and I feel better afterwards, the Chinese man leaves and comes back later and says to the doctor me feel much better you got lovely house.

Why did the banana go to the doctor, because he wasn't peeling well.

A blonde woman on holiday runs out of money and decides that she will contact her mother and get her to send her some money, obviously she has no money to contact her mother so she asks the owner of an internet café if he can help her, he says yes follow me and leads her to an empty room and unzips his pants and tells her to get down on her knees and get on with it which she does, she takes it in her hands and says hello mum.

A blind man walks into a shop and suddenly starts swinging his guide dog around over his head, shocked by what he's seeing the shop manager says to the man what do you think your doing, the blind man replies just looking around.
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Old 21-05-21, 13:37   #2
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What's significant about a calm person who's also colour blind?
They never see red.

I once entered a memory competition but I can't remember how well I did.

There's one sign that you're a lazy person but I can't be bothered to tell you what it is.

What's 6 inches long and goes into your mouth?
A toothbrush.

What's big, hard and full of seamen?
A submarine.

What do you get if you mix a joke with a rhetorical question?
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Old 21-05-21, 15:25   #3
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Why gnomes aren't real? Because lies have short legs.
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Old 21-05-21, 16:12   #4
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Originally Posted by Greenapple968 View Post
What's significant about a calm person who's also colour blind?
They never see red.

I once entered a memory competition but I can't remember how well I did.

There's one sign that you're a lazy person but I can't be bothered to tell you what it is.

What's 6 inches long and goes into your mouth?
A toothbrush.

What's big, hard and full of seamen?
A submarine.

What do you get if you mix a joke with a rhetorical question?
The 2nd, 3rd and 6th jokes are good, the second one reminds me of when on the TV show Frasier Niles's wife Maris got upset because she couldn't remember the words to Memory.

I've heard the submarine one before.

I've seen some good jokes in various comic strips over the years.

An alien saying to her children, so help me if you kids don't pipe down back there we're not stopping for earthlings.

A one-armed guy holding a sign saying please help chainsaw juggling act gone wrong.

A police officer saying to a snowman maybe you didn't kill your wife but this still warm hairdryer is going to need an explanation.

A Turtle police officer pointing a speed gun at a snail.

The Scarecrow, the Lion and Dorothy from The Wizard Of Oz on a plane saying to someone that he didn't make it past the metal detector.

People in a nudist colony wondering why there was a washing machine there.

An Elephant saying to his wife good news honey the doctor cured my snoring, the doctor had tied a knot in the Elephant's trunk.

One snake saying to another, alright Bob I think you've had enough that's your tail that your chatting up.

A guy on the phone saying that he'd like to return a faulty sat-nav and could they give him directions to their store.

A cat sitting outside a building with Cat obedience classes written in the window and underneath that a sign saying going out of business.

One showed a cat knocking at someone's door and saying I'm from next door and I'm seeking asylum and another one showed a cat building a Sandcastle in his litter tray and his owner saying he doesn't know how to use the litter tray.

Several years ago I read in the paper about some guy whose wife wouldn't divorce him, the funniest part was when he said that the atmosphere between him and his wife is so bad that even out cat has left and moved next door.
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Old 21-05-21, 18:27   #5
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Quote:
Originally Posted by DragonSlayer View Post
The 2nd, 3rd and 6th jokes are good, the second one reminds me of when on the TV show Frasier Niles's wife Maris got upset because she couldn't remember the words to Memory.
Do you have any feedback on the 1st and 4th jokes?
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Old 22-05-21, 17:53   #6
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Originally Posted by Greenapple968 View Post
Do you have any feedback on the 1st and 4th jokes?
The colour blind one was good for originality I think I heard the toothbrush joke before that one's ok the colour blind one is better.

No reaction to the jokes in my OP

A guy who didn't like his girlfriend's cat decided to get rid of it he put the cat in his car and drove away and dumped the cat several miles from home when he got home the cat was there, the next night he drove even further away and dumped the cat when he got home the cat was there the next night he drove even further away than he had the night before, a few hours later the phone rings at his girlfriend's house it's her boyfriend asking is the cat there I'm lost and I need directions.

I like visual jokes too like the ones I posted in my second post.

I saw a really good one a few years ago, it was two passengers who had survived a plane crash on a desert island after eating the crew and presumably some passengers one said to the other we have no choice we must eat the food that's on the plane.

I like to think that that's what would happen if a Ryanair flight were to crash.

Feel free to post practical jokes as well if you like.

Several years ago I almost tricked my dad with the best practical joke ever into going to work on a Saturday morning at the time he was working in a place over an hour's drive from our house.

When he came home from work on a Friday evening I told him it was Thursday and he believed me, he got up the following morning thinking it was Friday and got ready for work he was in the car about to reverse out of the driveway when the radio told him that it was Saturday morning.

To this day I still curse that radio for ruining a really good practical joke.
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Old 22-05-21, 20:54   #7
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Originally Posted by DragonSlayer View Post

On the night of Justin Bieber's arrest his neighbours were woken up by a loud screeching sound, he then stopped singing got into his car and drove away.
Such a diss lol.
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Old 23-05-21, 08:16   #8
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The colour blind one was good
I'm glad you liked it. Hopefully others liked it as well.
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Old 27-05-21, 22:45   #9
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I was watching an old episode of 8 Out of 10 Cats Does Countdown last night when Jimmy Carr said, Christology is the study of Jesus Christ I once did an exam on the crucifixion, nailed it.
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Old 27-05-21, 23:31   #10
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Knock knock?
Who's there?
The
The Who?
Are you a fan?

Knock knock?
Who's there?
Yoo.
Yoo who?
Yoo hoo to you too.

Knock knock?
Who's there?
To it to
To it to who?
Is there an owl among us?
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