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Old 12-10-19, 15:35   #1
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Default Did I lose all my friends? Am I the only who has too many problems?

Hey everyone,

I have been really quiet lately mostly because I am dealing with my own issues. But I feel like I have reached a point of "no return". I screwed up too much and my way of thinking and paranoia has been skewed to the point of being extreme.

I do not really want to get to into details of what happened but over the last few weeks, I have done a lot of attention-seeking behavior that was an extreme cry for help, tried suicide, and sabotaged a lot of relationships due to my borderline as my doctor put it.

There are so many great people on this forum I used to speak to, who no longer speak to me or i've lost touch with. And recently, I feel like i've sabotaged some friendships due to my mental health.

I am sitting here in front of my computer, broke as hell, lonely, and feeling so lost, confused, and guilty to the point of no return.

I just want to be that Moody that was funny, artistic, smart and talented that I once was. But I feel like I am too far gone.

I always hit a really high point, and then crash right to the bottom.

It just feels like right now there is no return from that bottom.

I just don't want to lose people anymore.

My worst breakdown was recently because everyone kept telling me I HAVE to be happy all the time, but it's ok to be sad. It is totally ok, right?

Why has this happened to me? But I know I am the one who caused all this. I have never been like this before.

Last edited by Tombcool; 12-10-19 at 15:40.
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Old 12-10-19, 15:53   #2
Cat Woman
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I don’t think anyone is quote “Happy” all the time. We all have our ups and downs. Focus on the saying...... your glass in half full, not half empty. Keep thinking positive and moving forward.
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Old 14-10-19, 23:36   #3
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Not to diagnose you, but it sound a lot like a depression.

Like Cat Woman said, nobody is happy all the time. Everybody has ups and downs. And that is perfectly fine. It is not fair to ask yourself to always be happy. You don't have to. You are allowed to have bad days. It's part of life.

That said, you should not allow yourself for those moments to linger on. It can be a tough battle, but one you have to fight. Again like Cat Woman said, focus on the good things in life as well. The great thing about low points is that you can only go up from there! If you have trouble climbing out of those valleys do not be afraid to admit that and most important, seek professional help!
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Old Yesterday, 12:24   #4
Dennis's Mom
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I have been where you are, at least as far as online relationships. Absent any bad conversations where people have actively said, "leave me alone/don't want to talk to you" anymore, don't read too much into lack of communication. The internet by its nature is selfish; we are all here for affirmation of some kind, not really to affirm someone else. (I'm not saying people don't support each other, just that it usually depends on their state which is as much a moving target as yours. So much is hidden behind the screen; don't let your imagination fill in the blanks with the most self-hating concepts.)

I do think you should speak to a professional. It's possible you have an undiagnosed condition that medication would help. Just talking to someone who has no vested interest in your life (like a relative or a friend would) is very emotionally freeing. You can really say how you feel without the fear of making things worse.

I also recommend lots of non-screen time. Get outside. Engage in real life. In my experience, online life is the most likely to drag you down into depression. Never let it be your sole source of "friendship" or social engagement. It's a bubble construct, like high school. You think it really, really matters and then you graduate and you wonder why you thought it mattered.

There are things you can do. You can feel better.
At this point, if you haven't put that person on your ignore list, you just like fighting.

Last edited by Dennis's Mom; Yesterday at 12:25.
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Old Yesterday, 13:51   #5
Relic Hunter
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I've been there and way worse and here I am talking to you. It seems or it would appear as if though you were hurt by somebody or perhaps some situations have led you to feel this way, the way you feel and have described. This may sound samey but time is a great healer and finding a good hobby to take your mind off things too. I forgot my abusive ex just by playing PS4. Focus only on yourself, allow yourself to have pleasures (example ice cream) you don't need to depend on anybody however; you can find support in those closest to you. If you lack anybody you can openly speak to about it you can always seek a professional like Denis mom said. I'm sure you are not as lost as you think you are. Good Luck
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