How are you feeling (and why)?

[Greenapple968]

Originally Posted by Shirley_Manson

That is awful. I was wondering what kind of hospital lets it's patients smoke. Like wtf.
You really need to get out of there. Either by repeatedly requesting transfers even more, lawyering up or pretending you are better until they have to let you out.

We're allowed to smoke, but I use E-Cigarettes.

With regards to getting out of the hospital, that's going to be enormously difficult; there's a massive hurdle which we'd have to overcome. There's a very big complication with getting out of hospital which no one on this forum is aware of. You see, it's not just a hospital for people with mental health problems; there's a certain other criteria which has to be fulfilled, a criteria that I do fulfil.

Perhaps going further with this conversation might be better suited for private messaging.

[LuckyEdge10]

Originally Posted by Greenapple968

My mum treated me as if I was some sort of object that belonged to her. She was extremely abusive and controlling. She was the most selfish person I've ever met. She treated me like I was worthless. Like my feelings were worthless. Like I didn't have feelings. My upbringing was very harmful and destructive, and my mental health problems started in 2008 as a result of horrific trauma that she put me through.

I am delighted to say that my mum isn't alive anymore; in 2020 she made the best decision of her life by committing suicide. It's just a shame that she didn't do it a lot sooner. It's a shame that she wasn't aborted; there would've been a lot less suffering had she been aborted.

I can 100% relate with everything you shared here. This is exactly what I lived 22 years of my life, and continue to be living currently. My feelings are worthless, my opinions are worthless, my way of thinking is not the same as hers therefore not valid, anything I want to do for myself is stupid and I should do what she does instead, she smokes like 2 packs of cigarettes a day, a lot of times even in the house, I don't have the slightest bit of privacy as she feels like she needs to know every single thing I do, because this is "her house".

This is an environment in which I have lived for my whole life at this point. And when I saw the light, the chance of getting out of this ****** situation thanks to an amazing person who, to this day, remains the best person I've ever known in my life and loved more than my own life, everything vanished in a matter of days.

They say you shouldn't find the person who "fixes you", but you should "fix yourself" before even finding that person, but in my case, finding that person happened completely randomly, and I am still living in this situation, so I can't really "fix myself" right now.

I tried to get therapy for a few weeks, and it felt like it just wasn't helping at all. I have tons of childhood trauma, and it's going to be really hard to overcome that.

So, in other words, yeah, I can't fathom thinking about myself shredding even one tear if my mom would suddenly die. My life would be much happier.

[griffabee]

I've been having a heck of a hard time recalling certain words, and I'm a bit upset by that.

[Shirley_Manson]

Originally Posted by Greenapple968

We're allowed to smoke, but I use E-Cigarettes.

With regards to getting out of the hospital, that's going to be enormously difficult; there's a massive hurdle which we'd have to overcome. There's a very big complication with getting out of hospital which no one on this forum is aware of. You see, it's not just a hospital for people with mental health problems; there's a certain other criteria which has to be fulfilled, a criteria that I do fulfil.

Perhaps going further with this conversation might be better suited for private messaging.

Sure, you can tell me about what's stopping you from leaving the hospital via PM if you want to. Maybe I can think of some solution.

[Xilurm]

Originally Posted by griffabee

I've been having a heck of a hard time recalling certain words, and I'm a bit upset by that.

I've been getting that quite often lately, especially when I'm trying to use said words.

Wonder why.

[Bashar]

Originally Posted by LuckyEdge10

I can 100% relate with everything you shared here. This is exactly what I lived 22 years of my life, and continue to be living currently. My feelings are worthless, my opinions are worthless, my way of thinking is not the same as hers therefore not valid, anything I want to do for myself is stupid and I should do what she does instead, she smokes like 2 packs of cigarettes a day, a lot of times even in the house, I don't have the slightest bit of privacy as she feels like she needs to know every single thing I do, because this is "her house".

This is an environment in which I have lived for my whole life at this point. And when I saw the light, the chance of getting out of this ****** situation thanks to an amazing person who, to this day, remains the best person I've ever known in my life and loved more than my own life, everything vanished in a matter of days.

They say you shouldn't find the person who "fixes you", but you should "fix yourself" before even finding that person, but in my case, finding that person happened completely randomly, and I am still living in this situation, so I can't really "fix myself" right now.

I tried to get therapy for a few weeks, and it felt like it just wasn't helping at all. I have tons of childhood trauma, and it's going to be really hard to overcome that.

So, in other words, yeah, I can't fathom thinking about myself shredding even one tear if my mom would suddenly die. My life would be much happier.

I’m so sorry for what you have gone through my dear. Thankfully you’re still with us creating hilarious TR videos and being such a fun person to talk to. :-)

[Bashar]

Originally Posted by Greenapple968

I'm glad that you're able to understand. Usually, the people who are able to understand are the ones who have the necessary experiences in order to be able to understand. In this instance, the experiences are very nasty ones. I'm glad we're able to understand each other, but it's a shame that we had to go through horrid experiences in order to be able to find that knowledge and understanding.

I've never done illegal drugs before. However, if I had access to illegal drugs then I would be very tempted. It's very plausible that I might go down the route of drugs at some point in the future.

I’m gonna say this as someone who once battled an awful addiction to methamphetamine a long time ago. Drugs give you wings, but they take away your sky. You will absolutely not solve anything or get any benefits beyond the dopamine and serotonin kick you have in the moment, and you will spend the rest of your time trying to chase that and you’ll blow your money. There’s a reason the only thing I’d go for is weed or mushrooms, because you can do them in moderation. But even I who enjoys them will say that the most freeing, beautiful moments I’ve had were when I was on my own hiking in beautiful places completely sober. Some of them IN MODERATION can be enjoyable, like having a cocktail. But they will NEVER solve anything.

There’s so much beauty in the world, as cliche as that sounds, you don’t need anything to artificially inflate it.

I’ve been through my fair share of awful therapists, it takes a lot of shopping around to find one that works for you and I think it’s very much worth it. Be patient and be gentle on yourself, you’re doing better than you think. :-)

[deadmando9]

@ Bashar: From what Greenapple has stated in his other posts he doesn't have a whole lot of options in regards to therapists. The hospital where he is staying is very confining. I really hope that he can get out of there.

[xtimz]

I don't know how to say. I'm no expert of it. Three of my friends suicided due to depression. One was my colleague when I worked in Zurich of Switzerland. One was my roommate when I exchanged in Hong Kong. One was my soccer friend that played soccer together. I know depression is a serious universal problem that shouldn't be underestimated, but that's the only thing I know.

[Dennis's Mom]

Originally Posted by griffabee

I've been having a heck of a hard time recalling certain words, and I'm a bit upset by that.

Don't worry. You'll wake yourself up at 3 am when you remember.

I think this is totally normal. My husband is always jokingly suggesting he's getting dementia when he can't remember something, and it's always the name of someone we knew 20 years ago in another state we sort of interacted with.